CHAPTER EIGHT: WORLD

I may dress like a nerd, but I can read trends. Yeah, I can tell you what to do. 
-Bruce Sterling

It felt overwhelmingly awkward walking into math on Monday, the glance Robin sent me alone had my anxiety spike so hard I had to turn on heel and run away.

Mr. Jael called my name, but I don't care.

Somehow I ended up in the parking lot heading to my van, Nell's motorcycle parked next to it with the skater sitting on top of it, looking ready to ditch school.

"Dude," She scoffs, giving me a once over. "What the fuck are you on?"

"Anxiety cocktail?" I answer, dropping my bag as I brace myself against the van.

Nell shakes her head, pointing behind her. "Get on."

"What?"

"You heard me. Put your bag on tight and get the fuck on."

Feeling numb the entire time I do as asked, watching the cars fly by and realizing it a little too late that we parked. It takes Nell snapping her fingers in my face to get my attention.

She pulls me into the diner, ordering for us both before turning her attention back to me as she fishes out a ice cube with her spoon and hold it out to me.

"Eat this."

I do that too, flinching as my senses flare to life. For some reason this shocks me out of my stump enough that I start to feel raw instead of numb.

Somehow sensing this, Nell sighs and gives me a thoughtful look. "What happened?"

"I don't even know, I can't remember anything from Friday." Admitting this, I look away from her. "But I have...I have a feeling about it. I don't like the feeling, it feels wrong. Everything in my life seems wrong. Nell, I want to be your and Robin's friend. I want to have friends. But I'm just messing everything up."

The skater shakes her head, "You haven't messed anything up, Keagan."

Staring at her, knowing there's more, I slowly ask, "What happened on Friday? Robin...did she tell you?"

"You two got drunk and did what drunk people do really well, you had sex." She says this so bluntly that it makes me flinch. "She didn't call it a mistake, if that makes you feel better. But she does feel like she cheated for some reason, because she loves her poet. I don't really understand it myself, but you know-"

"It's me." I blurt.

Nell freezes, brown eyes snapping up to me from where she was twirling her straw around. "What?"

Pulling my backpack up from the bench, I grab my notebook, throwing it to her side of the table.

The one I have out is-

I don't say 
I could drown in you with ease
Because I would like the way it feels 
Compared to fresh air 
Or because I would rather have 
My lips on yours 
Than breath that same fresh hair
No, fuck no I say that because if I don't
You might not ever hear it 
And then you'll break my heart 
In more ways than one
Because there is my world
My heart and there is you
Lately I've been having trouble
Distinguishing between them
Can you help?

-and I don't know if Nell has ever read any of them before but by the time she's done, she has a look on her face that I've never seen before.

She suddenly looks...soft.

Then Nell looks up at me and in a very not soft but demanding voice says, "You should tell her."

And trust me when I say it doesn't sound like a suggestion.

Feeling the blood drain from my face, I shake my head at her. "She'll just reject me."

"She had sex with you." The skater deadpans, pointing a fry at me. "And didn't say it was a mistake."

"...but she feels wrong about it." I weakly protest.

Nell scoffs, "Because she feels like she cheater. But if she did that like, cheating on you with you. It just doesn't make sense not to tell her."

Before I can even respond, Nell's phone is ringing and she shows me the contact that says 'Glasses' on it, which I can only assume is Robin when the skater lifts a finger to her mouth before answering with a smirk. "The fuck you want?"

The conversation goes back at forth, at one point Nell cackles at something her best friend said before finally telling her where we are.

Then Robin's on her way, her best friend orders for her and we both watch as she parks her car out front.

"Nell," I say in warning, tugging my poem book away from her. "I'm not telling her, not right now. I can't, I r-really can't."

"Then hide the fucking notebook," She hisses back, brown eyes narrowed at me making me scramble to follow instructions. "She's -hey, Roby!"

"Let me get this right," To avoid eye contact and joke, because when I'm anxious that's what makes me feel better, I flick a thumb out at Robin as she approaches the table while meeting Nell's eye. "The nerd's skipping class."

Apparently not expecting me to joke, Nell bursts into laughter again -which only leads to me getting flustered due to an old couple a table across from us yelling at us to quiet down.

Robin sits down across from Nell and takes the time to clean her glasses, and I'm sure if she's just stalling conversation between us but either way it works.

The skater clears her throat, "We're all friends here. We all got drunk, let's get over it already." Her saying this makes me relax, and it seems to have the same affect on the nerd. "So, we're all skipping school, what do you guys want to do?"

I should be studying, or maybe cleaning more. 

Or I could even practice my throws, I know when it comes to football the only thing I need to work on is making sure any receiver can catch a football I throw through any tight pocket.

"You guys would probably have more fun without me," I admit. "I got a lot of fucking work to do, and I have a game coming up that I should practice for. And I have to pick up the kids at three."

Robin taps her fingers a few times on the glass before snapping her fingers at me, "I'll ask my parents if the triplets can spend the night again, they really like them. Me and Nell can help you practice."

Not being able to stop myself, I laugh. "Birdie, I'm the quarterback. I can throw a ball with enough force to break you, the only help you'd give me is target practice."

For some reason, me mentioning being able to break her best friend seems to give Nell an idea, as she slams her fist on the table.

"Let's go to the beach! Sand sledding!"

"I have no idea what that is, but it sounds awesome." I say, leaning into their side of the table. "Is it safe though?"

She shrugs, "I don't know. We can push you off first to find out though."

I grin, "Sweet. I'm in. Wait but...how is this practice?"

Nell sighs at me, sharing a look with Robin who ends up answering, "It's not practice, dummy, it's fun. You practice more than enough and you definitely don't need to study more-" Did she just insinuate I'm smart, or am I delusional? "-so have fun."

Nodding, not willing to argue, I say, "No more drinking. I'm a shit drinker, still can't remember anything. And if your parents won't take them, we could all do game night at my house too. Joey's welcome."

"Great." Robin chirps. "Then maybe we'll go to your next game."

"Yeah, that'd be sweet."

"Wait you actually want to go to one of my games?" I know I sound a little too excited at the moment, which is clear in the confused look Robin sends me as Nell nods. "Awesome."

"Dude," The skater laughs, leaning over the table to ruffle my hair. "Why are you so excited?"

Grinning still, I shrug, "Because it's the first time someone is willingly coming to one of my games. And I don't expect you guys to be cheering the stands down or anything, but I mean, just having someone in the stands in the first place is really cool. Like, I'll be able to look up, and actually see someone there. For me."

Micah, well, Micah has always chosen drugs over everyone else -including himself.

And the two pricks that call themselves my friends?

They only care about themselves.

Obviously, my parents don't show up for games and I try to have the kids in bed by the time my games ends around nine.

Yeah, it's really cool someone is going to be there for me.

I don't think my extra jersey has even been worn by someone other than me pre-game. But then again, that still might not change. It's cool nonetheless.

So why did they both look like it was the opposite of that.

My grin drops to a scowl, crossing my arms. "What did I do wrong now?"

"Nothing," Robin says, smiling behind a hand. "Just, why did you get so excited?"

Chuckling, I shake my head at her. "Definitely because I'm thrilled at your presence." 

"Yeah?" She eats a fry before narrowing her pale eyes at me, all her freckles looking all the more dark in this lighting. "Why's that."

"Because I'm in love with you."

At this, Nell chokes on her food and slaps the table a few time, chugging her drink while Birdie only laughs loudly, head tilted back and clutching at herself.

But while her eyes are gleaming with amusement I can't help but to let my heart drop heavily in my chest.

It's not a joke, I think. I love you.

I'm so tired of it -not being smart enough, handsome enough, fast enough, strong enough, good enough.

Of not being good enough for her.

But it's not my job to change anything, all I can do is show her everything about me. Then it's up to her to decide if I'm actually worth it or not.

Up until then, I guess I'll just laugh along with her.