Bike riding and screwing my girlfriend becomes routine. So does my early library visits. I down the second protein shake before entering. I'm so certain Grayson is inside. My standing arm hairs and pounding heart warns me.

Just as before he's in the sofa chair reading. I'm able to make out the title since it's bold font. The blue words read: PLASTIC OCEAN. The cover contains a duck swimming in water full of waste. Human trash.

It's interesting that he's reading about that. A non fiction awareness book. His blue eyes land on mine. I notice a glare of annoyance in them. Grayson is mad at me. I know why. I should explain myself.

I scan the library, no one else is here yet. The rows of book shelves are clear, so are the computers. My self confidence builds just enough to apologize. "I'm sorry...I tried to call but..."

"But you're playing me. Why show interest if you're just going to blow me off??!" I sense the pure rage in his sweet voice. He wants to shout but is too paranoid someone will hear him. So he hisses out the words.

I'm gutted. My tough exterior slips. My face contort in anguish. "I'm not playing a game...or blowing you off."

"Seems like you are!"

"I couldn't call...I tried."

"What stopped you? If you wanted to, we wouldn't be arguing."

"My life is too complicated. I think we should only talk at school."

He scoffs. His beautiful Ken doll appearance is riddled with fury. Gorgeous fury. "I should've left you alone. I didn't share my secret to be ignored." Grayson slams down the book, rattling the table so bad that it wobbles. He stands, evil eyeing me before stomping off.

I sigh and massage my temples.

There's too much going on in my world. I didn't lead him on. I was curious. Attracted like a moth to a flame. A flame of self discovery. I'm longing to explore a relationship with him...while being too frightened of judgement.

He should understand. He's the jock king...his reputation is higher than mine...meaning the risks are far worse. He'll lose everything just as I would.

My world is flipping upside down. The constraints placed on my soul to be a traditional man...when I'm just a boy. Why am I ordered to grow up so fast? Why can't I be young, dumb, and in love? Why am I the subject of an arranged marriage at the age of 15?

An unfair rule of the world is boys being told to man up. Girls are never forced to woman up. I envy their freedom. Maybe in another lifetime I dialed his number...an alternate universe free of rules and taboos.

The new week kicks off with homecoming themes. Spirit week. Today is wear a hero graphic T shirt. I chose Danny Phantom from Nickelodeon, since he's my childhood favorite. He's not a glorified hero but he's super to me. The character always reminded me of myself. As a kid I played make believe in my room, acting along with the episodes.

I was a fanboy.

Cindy chose Wonder Woman. My brothers are Wolverine from the X-men. They argue about who's the copycat. I zone them out in gym as we run drills. Why can't they agree that they both love the character?? No one's a copycat.

Lunch is paved by teens in colorful tops that boast their favorite heros. Spider Man. Super Man. Legolas. Gandalf. Luke Skywalker. Yoda. He-Man. Subzero. Scorpion.

There's nerdy pride everywhere.

Kim, who never interacts with us at school, sports a She Hulk dress. Of course she has to stand out from everyone else. Her crew of popular girls gush over the color theme. Pink, Green, and White. She Hulks face is made of paint splatter designs. She's the queen bee of the table. She stands to show off the dress as if a model. The whole table applauds her.

"Lil sis is in her own world." Tom cracks, passing me in the lunch line.

"As usual." I remark.

Cindy adds spinach to her tuna wrap then goes forward for bell peppers. "All baby girls live in their own world. I remember being the princess...before my sisters came along."

"That's something I don't have to worry about. I'm forever my mom's little prince."

"Your folks could have another kid."

I shake my head. "No...I think they're done. Kim was mom's last attempt. She wanted a girl and got it." I add the same meal as hers onto my tray. I have no struggle passing up pizza and corn dogs.

"I guess 4 kids is enough." She shrugs.

"Yeah."

"Have you ever thought about how many you want?" Cindy peers up at me.

"No...I haven't."

"Well...we're still young...so." She reaches for sliced peaches. "There's time to decide." I hide my disinterest with a half smirk.

We go to our designated table. We always have it to ourselves. Westlake is a branch of Harvard. Meaning the size of the cafeteria is enormous. Enough that people have their own zip codes.

Cindy sits close, leaning her shoulder onto mine. "How are the piano lessons going?"

"Well...I don't play like I have two left feet anymore."

I catch a glimpse of Grayson from my peripheral vision. He's done with me...yet his body still shifts my way. Maybe this is unconsciously done. Maybe there's a gravitational pull. Same with me. My eyes had to witness his beauty. They're under a gravitational spell too.

The next day is bring your favorite album to school. I choose Linkin Park Minutes To Midnight. Cindy Chose Cheetah Girls. Kim displays Ashley Simpson Autobiography as if it's the holy grail. Today I'm relieved that my brothers aren't bickering about being copied. Tom always acts classy as if he's not young. He picked a Frank Sinatra album. Sam walks the hall with Eminem's When I'm Gone.

Wednesday is dress for a cause. On my way to home room, I spot Grayson wearing a shirt prompting the dangers of plastic pollution. The front of the shirt reads:

CLEAN OUR WATERS.

The back reads:

DON'T DRINK CHEMICALS.

Hmm...he's an advocate. First the book in the library...now this. I should start small talk but our last conversation was too tense.

Thursday is pajama day. Me and my siblings skip it. Wearing your sleeping clothes to school is nasty. Even if they're clean. Most people's first thought is that you rolled out of bed and came straight to school. Which I assume most did, judging by the bed hair. I understand going for the aesthetic, but they could've brushed it.

I find it hard to keep up my dislike when I see what he wears. Grayson has no problem walking into the building wearing cowboy pajamas. White and brown with bugs bunny in a hat holding a shotgun. The laughter he receive will definitely crown him the winner of the day.

Friday, game day. Jersey day. Many of the girls get red numbers painted onto their faces. Either of their boyfriend or their crush. Some guys get their arms numbered up. 

I wonder if I get a number painted on, will that be suspicious? Grayson number is 7. Should I go for it?

#Gay
#MxM
#BxB
#LGBTQ
#Wattpride