Chase's POV

I brush my teeth, looking at my ashen, tear stained face reflected in the bathroom mirror. My eyes have been constantly puffy and red for the past few days.

I'm so tired of crying. I'm so annoyed that I'm not strong enough to be unaffected by those men. But when Dean showed me those photos and asked me to identify the other three men I couldn't help the wave of panic and nausea that overcame me each time my eyes landed on one of them.

I felt like I was transported back to that night. Helpless. Scared. Insignificant. I felt the walls closing in around me, the ringing in my ears and my lungs denying me oxygen. So as soon as I identified all three of them, I practically begged them to let me leave and rushed to my room.

I sigh. So much for eating my favourite breakfast food.

When I woke up this morning I was actually hungry. For the first time in a long time I actually had an appetite and I was hoping Jesse made me pancakes for breakfast, my favourite. I sigh again as I think about my poor nutella pancakes that never got to be digested.

I splash some water on my face, trying to make myself look a little less pathetic. I'm really surprised that Jesse didn't immediately follow me into my room, though I'm actually glad he didn't.

I'm tired of being a burden to him. I know he would never say that, probably would never even think it, but that's just how I feel. I know I'm not in a crisis stage anymore and I won't try to kill myself but that doesn't stop me from feeling like crap or from the nightmares or from the constant dark thoughts tumbling around in my brain.

I plop down on my bed and pick up my phone to play some music when I see a text from Jesse which tells the brief tale of a Nutella pancake. I roll my eyes at his silly message but can't stop the tiny smile that graces my lips.

I send him an eye roll gif and toss the phone on the bed. I'm glad he went for a silly message over a concerned one; it makes me feel like less of a burden.

I spend the next few minutes trying to clear my mind by tracing the outline of the ceiling until I hear a gentle knock on my bedroom door. Jesse pokes his head in and asks about going to the hospital today and reminds me that I have a therapy session today. This is the third therapist I am going to in two weeks since I didn't like either of the ones I saw previously.

I really don't feel like interacting with people today but I still agree to go with Jesse to the hospital. I'm sure the police and the lawyers will be anxiously waiting and Kurt did stress how important it was.

***********

My stomach growls in protest. I haven't been able to eat anything else since, as Jesse put it, the pancakes were 'forced to leave without visiting the amusement park in my stomach.'

I am really hungry and the intermittent rumbles of my stomach only serve to emphasize this point. But I'm still nauseous. The mere thought of putting food in my mouth caused me to retch.

"Maybe you can get a milkshake? Or an energy drink? Sprite? Juice?" Jesse rambles off as he stops at the traffic lights and glances over to me. "You have to put something in your stomach."

He is right of course. I am already starting to feel light headed from lack of sustenance. "Maybe sprite?"

Jesse smiles in response and a few minutes later he pulls into a minimart. He returns soon after with an ice cold Sprite and plain crackers. "Drink slowly and maybe try a few crackers." I take the drink and crackers from him and quietly sip the drink and munch on the dried circles.

We reached the hospital a few minutes after I finished the whole drink and half the packet of crackers.

"Hi, is it possible for us to see Dr. Sandra O'Brien?" Jesse asks once we reach the reception area.

"She's in surgery, but it should be wrapping up. Let me have your information and see if she can see you afterwards." The receptionist replies.

Just over an hour later Dr. O'Brien greets us and takes us into her office. "Dr. O'Brien, thank you for taking such good care of my brother when he was here." He hands her the basket that is filled with mostly fruits and chocolates. Dr. O'Brien starts to protest but Jesse quickly interjects. "Think of it as a small donation to the hospital staff."

"Thank you Jesse. Now I know you didn't drive all the way here just for this," She responds with a smile.

"True, we were also wondering if you did a sexual assault forensics exam for Chase?" Jesse questioned.

"I didn't do it myself but I had a trained nurse do one. Are you thinking of pressing charges against the assaulters?" She shifts her gaze towards me when she asks this question.

I nod and she smiles at me. "Ok, then give me the details of the officers in charge and we can have evidence of assault processed."

Jesse thanks her again and we head back to the car.

"Oh I forgot to ask," Jesse says once we are sitting in the car. I look at him and tilt my head waiting for him to continue. "Did your results come back negative?" He asks so quietly that I had to lean forward to hear him.

"Yeah I didn't get any STDs." I reply as I fasten my seatbelt.

"That's good! Do you..." Jesse replies but I ignore him and stare through the car window. If only I could fast forward through this miserable part of my life.

*******

I wave goodbye to Mason who just dropped me home after my therapy session. I really like this therapist and I think I'll continue to see her.

I throw my keys on the coffee table and sink into the couch. The house is eerily quiet. Jesse isn't back from the police station as yet so I'm home alone. This is the first time I've been here alone since I came out of the hospital.

I can feel the dark thoughts swirling around in my head, telling how pathetic I am, that I'm a complete waste of space and that I deserved it.

I pull out my phone and go to Shawn's contact seeing over 70 messages from that little energizer bunny. I'm sure most of them are asking how I'm doing and saying that he misses hanging out with me because the last few times he came over I completely ignored him and I haven't answered any of his calls or texts.

He's the last important person in my life that I haven't told so I'm going to tell him today. I dial his number and wait for him to answer, hoping that he isn't too mad at me for completely ignoring him.

"Chase!!! I've missed you!! No one will tell me what happened with you and you haven't responded to my messages or calls in weeks! And when I came over you locked yourself in your room!" Shawn screams into my ear as soon as I answer. Despite his 'hyper kid hopped up on way too much sugar' yelling I can hear the genuine concern in his voice.

I wanted to personally tell Shawn about what happened because he's honestly been such a great friend to me but after recounting what happened in extreme detail twice for the police and then again, in less detail to my brothers Mason and Justin, I didn't want to relive it again so soon.

"If you're free you can come over now?"

"Yes! Ok! I'll leave right now!" Is he running? It sounds like he was running. I hear the jingle of his keys and his car unlocking. This kid is crazy! "Um Chase?" Shawn says quietly.

"Yes?" I reply tentatively.

"I'm assuming something really bad happened to you and I just want you to know that you don't have to tell me if you don't want to or you're not ready. I don't want you to feel obligated to tell me. Of course I'm curious and I want to know but only when you're ready. So I won't be upset if you don't tell me today. We can just hang, " Shawn responds.

Tears well up in my eyes and I smile. Sometimes I forget that Shawn can be serious since it always seems like he's bouncing off the walls. "Ok," I whisper, not trusting my voice to say more than that.

"Ok! I'm on my way!" Shawn says excitedly. 

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