Chase's POV

"You're filthy and disgusting. You thought you're better than me, that you were too good for me. Look at you now. Pathetic. You deserve this."

I thrash in my sleep; Mike's words echoing in my head. I start awake panting and drenched in sweat. Tears stream down my face and I pull my knees to my chest wrapping my arms around them gently rocking back and forth.

I glance at the clocking seeing that it's 7pm. Just 5 more hours. I have a sudden urge to throw up and I rush to the bathroom.

Cleaning up I look at my reflection in the mirror. I've dropped quite a few pounds in the last few weeks. I was always lean but I used to have some muscles since I loved working out.

My face looks haggard. My bluish grey eyes, the same colour as Jesse's, are sunken in, puffy and red. My brunette hair is in dishevel and my once tightly fitted t-shirt hangs off my body.

Tears well up in my eyes as I stare at my reflection. I barely recognize the face looking back at me. Who is this disgusting creature?

I rifle through the drawer in my bathroom. I can't do this anymore. I need it all to end. I finally find the bottle of sleeping pills I stashed in my drawer. My hands are surprisingly steady as I empty half the bottle of pills into my hand. I raise my hand to my mouth then I hear a knock at my bedroom door.

Jeez, can't a guy kill himself in peace. I sigh. I guess that's why I decided to do it at midnight instead of 7pm. I put the pills back in the bottle and put the bottle back in the drawer.

I wipe the tears from my eyes and open the door. Jesse is standing in front of me. He gives me an excited smile. Hmm I didn't see the flash of anger in his eyes that I usually see when he notices that I've been crying.

"I have a surprise for you," he says grabbing my hand and pulling me out the door and into the living room.

Tears well up in my eyes when I see what he prepared. There are egg rolls, chicken chow mein, barbeque chicken wings and strawberry smoothies on the table. Oreos, Pringles, sun chips and freshly baked brownies sit on the floor next to bean bag chairs. The Proposal is loaded on our flat screen TV and two of the fluffiest blankets I have ever seen sat on the couch.

While he was literally making and getting all my favourite things, I was thinking of dying and leaving him.

Guilt floods through me and my tears fall.

He moves standing directly in front of me looking me straight in my eyes. "I know something is wrong and I need you to tell me what it is. You are my brother and I will love you no matter what." His voice is calm and reassuring. "I want to help you but I can't do that if I don't know what happened. I feel like you are pulling away and it makes me feel really sad. I have to ask this, Chase, are you thinking of killing yourself?"

He sounds so calm and non-judgmental, my heart breaks. "Yes." My voice comes out hoarse and is barely above a whisper. I collapse onto the floor. Jesse wraps his arms around my shoulders rubbing circles on my back.

"It's ok baby bro, just cry, let it out, it's ok. I'll support you no matter what. I promise. It's ok, I'm here for you. No matter what I will always love you, you'll always be my perfect baby bro." Jesse's voice is steady but I feel his tears falling on the back of my neck.

He is trying to be strong for me. I cling to his arm and let everything that I bottled up for the past few weeks out.

I am going to tell Jesse what happened.

**********

I don't know how long I sat on the floor crying but Jesse never left my side. He never stopped telling me that I would be ok and that he would be there for me.

"Our food is cold, I'm sorry," I croaked at Jesse.

He chuckles gently shifting to sit in front of me instead of next to me. "You know we have a microwave for a reason baby bro."

My lips curve up at the corners a little but I can't bring myself to smile. I fidget with my fingers wondering how I can tell Jesse what happened. I'm not ready to tell him yet.

"Come on baby bro you must be hungry! Let's get some food then you can cuddle up in one of those fluffy blankets and tell me everything that's on your mind spearing absolutely no details." I let out a breath I didn't know I was holding. I am not really hungry but I am grateful that I get another few minutes of normalcy.

I follow Jesse into the kitchen and watch as he heats up some food for us. I feel really awkward just standing there watching him.

"S-s-so, how was your prison break?" I stutter out. I just need some normalcy before I possibly lose my brother forever. Despite him being nothing but reassuring during my cry session earlier there is still a sense of doubt clawing at me telling me that everyone will abandon me. I push that down for now, focusing on Jesse.

"It wasn't a prison break because I love spending time with you," Jesse says sternly. I duck my head and when Jesse is silent I look back up. He raises an eyebrow as if saying 'you know what I just said was true right?' I tentatively nod at him and he smiles.

While we eat, he proceeds to tell me all about his visit to Bryan's previous apartment complex and his embarrassment at the woman who dubbed him naked boy. He tells me about working on his social media pages then his reunion with Bryan and the fact that Bryan and Dean are friends! That's wild!

Throughout his whole story I listen intently. I am glad that I can listen to him ramble on since I am not quite ready to talk. But the fact that he is so comfortable and isn't being weird or awkward with me really helps. It makes me feel like nothing really would change if I tell him what happened.

We do the dishes in a comfortable silence and then sit on the couch. Stalling, I grab a handful of sun chips and shove them into my mouth. I really don't want anything to change.

Jesse watches me with a raised eyebrow. "Chase, you know nothing will drastically change if you tell me what happened; I'm not going to hate you, I'm not going to abandon you."

I feel the tears well up in my eyes once again. It's time. I need to tell him now. Just spit it out. I can do this! Looking down and playing with the fluffy blanket engulfing me I blurt out, "5-weeks-ago-Mike-and-three-of-his-friend-raped-me." I say it so quickly and quietly I'm not even sure he heard or understood what I say.

I continue playing with the fluffy blanket as I wait for him to say something.

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