▶┆Chapter eighty-eight [88]

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❝It's too late for me.❞

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  ★·.·'¯'·.·★ ℓυ¢у'ѕ ρ.σ.ν ★·.·'¯'·.·★

WHEN I DIE, WILL I HATE MYSELF? Will I regret everything that I'm doing? Thoughts kept tormenting me―and I hated it. I despised how I was doubting myself―questioning my decisions. But...there was a part of me that loathed what I was doing―what I was becoming. It wasn't right...and I knew it.

Oh god, deep down I knew it.

When I was younger, still a diminutive child, I always fantasized of being a hero. Of being an astonishing wizard, who would save lives. I desired for people to look at me, and be proud, for people to think that I was someone marvelous. 

I had always craved to escape the stifling walls of my mansion. To be truly free. Back when my mother was still alive, I'd rant excitedly about my dream. More specifically, my goal. She'd nod her head and simper as if she wholly believed in me―as if there was no uncertainty that I could accomplish it. 

I close my eyes, and I swear it's so vivid and real, that I can practically reach out and touch her―touch my mother. I can visualize her supple blonde hair fastened back into a neat bun. Her smile, so brilliant and loving it even managed to warm my father's stone cold heart.

And then the magical spell shatters―and all I'm left with is me. A dead-eyed stare, and a bitter cold snarl as startling and cruel as a whip. 

"Lucy-sama, it's time for training!" A deep-pitched voice booms. My spine went ram-rod straight, and despite the fact that I knew he couldn't see me, I nodded frantically.

"Yes sir, I'll be out in a moment."

I plastered my walls up again. I had to block out all regrets; it was the only way to get stronger. Around here, it seemed that training was more than just 'practice'. I...I was forced to do things I was always unwilling to do. Like apply all of my magic in duels to the death―so far, I've avoided killing anyone. But that meant I was on thin ice with the master. He seemed to fear that I was too soft to get him what he wanted.

That, as my old friends had said, I was too weak to do anything right. I knew in order to get what I desired, I had to toughen up. But...was I really willing to rip away the lives of other people?

My past self sharply said no. But I wasn't so sure anymore. I stand up, discarding the book lying on my bed. I pad over to the mirror, almost apprehensive―frightened of what I'll see. I flinch away from my reflection; maybe my moral conscious was trying to finally come and take over. 

I was changing―even I could see that. My eyes...oh god, my eyes! They...they were blue! They no longer had their signature brown and blue flecked hue. Instead, they blazed a bright blue. Like the hottest part of a flame, the deep cerulean shade was haunting. It seemed to pierce into my mind, and even though they were my eyes, I didn't recognize them. It was like they belonged to another person. 

My clothes were dark; they lacked any semblance of kindness or friendliness. I was the type of person you avoided on the street. Well, at least I resembled that type of person...but, maybe I was that sort of soul deep down. Like an infectious disease, I was poisonous and virulent. I hurt others around me and brought nothing but misfortune. Or maybe even similar to a dead tree. My appearance was dreadful and intimidating. I seemed to be dark and ominous. But if examined deeper, the truculent truth would ultimately be revealed. My roots snaked around underground, but they were, in the end, dead. 

"Lucy-sama! That was not a request! The master orders for you to begin training at once, or else." 

I snapped. Something in me, just couldn't stand it anymore. I hated Fairy Tail; yes, that was very true. But, I hated being bossed around just as much, if not more. I was not a pawn, and I'd be damned if I allowed this asshole to order me around! 

"You and your master can go fuck off! I'll start training when I want to!" I bark out, my eyes narrowed into slits as I glare daggers at the mahogany door.

I'm basically seething, and barely even notice how quiet it suddenly gets. No sound, except for my heavy breathing. I sick feeling settles in my stomach and the gravity of what I had just done shoots into my mind like a bullet. 

"I-I...I'm sorry, sir! I didn't-"

"I'll go retrieve the master. Let's see how happy he is to have to be interrupted by such a disgrace of a wizard," The man on the other side of the door bites out. 

I have to clutch my hands to my chest to prevent them from shaking. My mind seems to halt, and suddenly I forget how to breathe. My breathing slowly turns into ragged pants, my eyes bulging.

"Wait, please!" I beg, fear gripping me in a vice. 

The footsteps that were just beginning to move away from my doorstep pause for a moment.

"Sorry, Lucy-sama," The voice replies, in a mocking tone of voice. "But, I do not take orders from you, nor do I wish to do you any favors. Just like the rest of us, you'll have to face punishment for your negligence, disobedience, and most of all your tongue." 

As the man plodded away, I was almost tempted to open my door and straight up murder him. To wrap my fingers around his throat and push against his windpipe until he clawed at my fingers in agony. He'd gasp for air, but I wouldn't give him any mercy.

For he hadn't given me any.

It sounded dramatic―I knew that. But, oh god. The one thing I'd learned from observing the other followers of this guild, was that they were all here because of fear. If one were to oppose the master or so much as look at him in a way he disliked, then you were doomed. 

It depended on the crime, and how useful you were, but the master always punished those who showed defiance. Any sort of rebellion was not tolerated―he desired for his members to be like little sheep, always following orders and staying reserved. 

I...I was next. The thought made my knees cave in, and I crumpled to the floor. I had no idea how he'd make me pay...but all I could say, was that I had witnessed how it influenced those who had undergone punishment.

They were never the same.