As always, I've slept right next to Harry. He seems the most serene  when I'm next to him, and I have to admit I'm the same way. It gives me the most peace when I know he's still warm and breathing. If his parents or I leave the room to eat or get a quick shower,  he gets agitated if he's alone for too long.

I sneak out of the bed first thing in the morning, hoping not to wake him. I would like a few  minutes to myself to freshen up and change clothes before starting a new  day. I'm exhausted, and I feel terribly guilty because I'm really  starting to want a break, even after my lunch with Scarlett and  yesterday's visit with Dani. I'm growing weary of the vigil at Harry's  bedside, even though we're lucky that he woke up rather quickly.

I take just enough time to change my clothes in the public bathroom and throw on a  little makeup and deodorant. Then I stop by the snack bar to get some yogurt  and granola. A breakfast wrap looks good, too. And of course, coffee. I  pay and then decide that a donut will top it all off. And one for Harry, too. I'm tempted to sit  down at one of the cafe tables to inhale all of my goodies. How I would  love a good hour to myself to enjoy my feast.

Of course, I decide instead to head back to the room. I can't stand  the thought of Harry waking up without me there. But when I return, I find that has already  happened, and I catch his profoundly beautiful smile when I walk in with  my haul. "Hi, Baby." I kiss him gently and wait a moment to see if  he'll kiss back. He reaches his hand up to my face and slides it into my  hair, the way he did the first time we kissed.

"Katie," he breathes. "I missed you."

"You goof," I laugh. "I was gone for a total of 23 minutes. And I brought you a donut."

Harry manages an awkward smile and pauses for a moment. "Didn't you just get here?  From Eagle Canyon?"

I search his eyes for a hint of playfulness. He's joking, right?

"Harry, Baby," I say gently. "I've been here for days. I was just  out changing my clothes and getting breakfast." My lip trembles as I  fight back tears.

"Are you okay, Katie?" He asks in such an innocent tone that I start to cry harder.

"I'm just tired." I turn away to blow my nose and splash my face with some water at the sink.

I'm not sure how to process what's happening. What if he  does have some brain damage? Will that affect the way I feel about him?  Will I still love him if he's different after this? I'm sure there are no easy answers to my questions. I know that I  love Harry, no matter who he is.

Then I begin to feel slightly guilty about the fact  that I've been thinking about how difficult it might be for me if he is disabled further. Still, I'm not prepared for brain deficits. I had worried about the possibility  of Harry becoming paralyzed, and I'm sure that would present its own  challenges. But if he's changed mentally, will it seem like I'm with a  different person?

I'm embarrassed to admit it to myself, but I'm kind of hurt that he  doesn't remember that I've been here for him the whole time. It's a little self-serving, but it seems he should remember that I've been here, eating and breathing and sleeping beside him.

And then I feel more  afraid than ever that the Harry I knew before is never really coming  back. Dave and Scarlett pop in for a few minutes, thankfully, and take my mind off my worries for the time being.

"We heard you finally woke up, you slacker," Dave shakes Harry's hand for real and Harry smiles for real. I catch a glimpse of that handsome man I met only a few months earlier.

"Yeah, I've just been lying here, letting beautiful women take care  of me," Harry grins wider and then winks at me. "It's good to see you, man. You and Scarlett are  still together, I see."

"We are...." Dave trails off and looks at Scarlett. And then, waiting for her to chime in they both tell him, "We're getting married!"

"See?  I told you she was into you," Harry laughs. "Congratulations. I'm really happy for both of you."

My emotions feel like they're on a yo-yo when I see him interacting with his friends like  normal. He's back in the present again, not in the future or the past and it feels good to know that. I breathe a small sigh of relief. 

In the afternoon, Harry's parents and I have a meeting with Dr. Horowitz to discuss  Harry's progress. The doctor seems to think that he is improving on  every front, physical, mental, cognitive, emotional. With that brief  report, he moves on to talk about Harry's transfer out of ICU in a few  days. My brain is still stuck back in the room with Harry.

How can he not remember that I've been here for him all this time? Or that he's almost finished with college? Does he remember the accident?

As much as I was encouraged by his visit with Dave and Scarlett, his lingering confusion still scares me. A lot.

I don't usually let my emotions get the best of me, but everything  feels raw since Harry has been in the hospital. I can't hold it back any  longer; the tears splash onto the conference table. The others go on  without noticing until the sobs begin. And then I can't control myself.  "He's not okay! How can you think he's okay? He's not the same as he  was!"

Mrs. Styles rubs my shoulder and hands me a box of tissue.

Dr. Horowitz asks me to expound, which I am happy to do once I'm  able to calm down. "Well, Harry keeps forgetting things. He seems so  confused and...kind of slow. He asked me this morning if I just got here  from Eagle Canyon. And then he thinks he's back in high school. Am I missing something here?"

The doctor expresses a bit of concern. "He seems to be cognizant of  the basic details of his life whenever I speak to him. But I haven't  been with him as long as you have." He addresses Dr. and Mrs. Styles,  "Have you noticed any excessive confusion?"

Mrs. Styles admits, "He did say something kind of unusual yesterday.  He asked if he could ride his bike when he gets home. He hasn't been  able to ride a bike since the accident. He didn't seem to recognize his  crutches either. I'm a little worried that he has forgotten about his  disability."

Thankfully, the doctor is very sympathetic to our concerns. He also  offers a lot of much-needed hope. "This can be a scary time for  everyone. Harry is awake, but clearly he's not back to normal yet.   Confusion is very common after a coma. In some ways, Harry's brain is  still waking up." He turns to address me. "Was it right after he woke up in the morning that he asked if you just returned?" I nod. He continues. "His brain  has been 'on' all this time. As I told you before, he could probably  hear what was going on around him, and his brain has been trying to  piece it all together, trying to make a cohesive explanation for what he  was hearing and feeling. When he first woke up this morning, maybe it  felt like he was waking up from the coma again, like he wasn't sure if  all the other days were dreams or part of the coma." He pauses to give us all an encouraging smile. "I know that this is scary for all of you. It's probably very frightening for Harry, too. In any case, I am going to order an MRI so we can see for sure if  there's any damage to his brain from when his heart stopped. My honest  and professional opinion is that his confusion will clear up with more  waking time, but the MRI will hopefully confirm this."

I find myself crying again, but this time they are tears of relief. When I get back to the room, I notice his Lofstrand  crutches near his bed. Thinking of what Mrs. Styles had said in the  meeting with Dr. Horowitz, I ask him, "Remember using these to walk to  the top of Lovers' Lookout? It was so cold the first time we went there.  I couldn't believe how fast you could move." I hold my breath for a  moment of fearful anticipation. What if he doesn't have a clue what I'm  talking about?

He smiles and I know he remembers. "How could I forget? That was the  night I fell in love with you." He puts his hands on my face and gently  pulls me toward him. He kisses me deeply, and my anxiety melts away. I  don't want to leave him any more today, but there's one more thing I  have to do.

"I'm going to go down to the chapel for a bit. I'll be back soon." I kiss him on the forehead.

"You're going to the chapel, huh?"

"Yes," I reply. "It's a good place to think."

I easily find my way back to the quiet, insulated space. This time I don't have to  wonder what to say. As I sit down, the words rush out, "Thank You. Thank  You, God, for bringing him back to me."

Late in the evening, as visiting hours are winding down, a  technician from MRI comes to get Harry for his procedure. The tech  wheels the entire bed out of the room and down the hall. His mother  offers to accompany him and he agrees. I breathe a sigh of relief, both  knowing that the scan is underway, and that I have a few moments to  myself.

Dr. Horowitz comes in about an hour later to fill us in on the good  news that Harry's MRI looks completely normal. The confusion he experiences  should lessen with each day. The doctor encourages us to continue  retelling him the details of our life together, of his life since the  accident, of his hospital stay.  Hopefully, it will help him to remember  and reconstruct the reality of his life. The more time he spends awake  now, the more he will be able to hold on to reality.

* * * * *

Hello, I'm still alive. Hope you're all doing well! xoxo

If you haven't gotten a chance to check out my friend's (my kids' friends' actually) Instagram, please go and give it a look and a listen. He just released his first demo today. He's a high school kid trying to break into the music business - singing, songwriting, playing, maybe producing, and his guitar skills are phenomenal - so go and give him some love and maybe a follow :D Insta: amelio.xobeats