i do not do this for myself
it isn't myself that i want to spare, not the narcissist mind you have given me, not the ego you think you see through my bitter tears

i do this for you
so you don't see how much of a fuck-up your daughter is, don't see through my distraught gaze and don't crack open the barrier leading to my brain

if you were inside, would you change your mind? lack of self-esteem, lost dreams, alternative realities; would that paint me in pastel colours from the art you like, would that make your heart shiver and your words soften?

i bathe in numbers, the water fills my lungs, my muscles ache from attempting to reach the surface, the light hits my face, the oxygen makes my lungs swell. yet i sink again.
who taught me how to swim?

don't be hard on me, please, help me. understand the hurt behind my eyes, the weighing slowness of my body, the dull voice and misleading accusations. understand that i know my worth: i don't have any. i just don't want to let you down. disappointment. screwed up. me. why. again. always. numbers. more numbers. filling the void with someone else's blue eyes and illusionary smile.

i don't want you to see me the way i see myself. i don't want you to think you failed, i know i did, but you made me and i can't do this to you. there you are with your hands on my neck, you're the water, the sunlight, the seabed dragging me down. i'm disconnected but you hold onto me so tight my skin bruises. don't let me go. please, don't leave me. please, love me.

tell me, please tell me. say something. your cold silence has been crystalizing the blood rushing to my heart