Streamline Intermediate

ARRIVALS

1.The train now standing at Platform 5 will be the 10.25 to Exeter St David's, calling at Reading, Pewsey, Westbury and Taunton.

A Excuse me... Mr Ward?

B Yes? A I'm Charles Archer, from Continental Computers. How do you do?

B How do you do? Thank you for coming to meet us.

A Not at all. Did you have a good trip?

B Yes, thank you. Oh, I'd like you to meet Philip Mason. He's our sales manager.

A How do you do?

2.The train now standing at Platform 3 is the 10.20 Inter-City service to Bristol.

C Sarah!

D Hi.

C Hi. I haven't seen you for ages. How's things?

D All right. And you?

C Fine. How's work?

D OK. Do you fancy a coffee?

C Oh, yes, I'd love one.

3.The train now arriving at Platform 2 is the 9.12 from Oxford.

E Hello, Dorothy.

F Hello, Margaret. How are you?

E Very well, thanks, and you?

F Oh, I'm fine. How's the family?

E They're all fine. My car's just outside the station. Shall I take one of your bags?

F Oh, yes... thank you.

4.The next train leaving from Platform 9 will be the 10.25 Inter-City service to Plymouth and Penzance. The train will be divided at the Plymouth. Passengers for stations to Penzance should take front six carriages.

G Good morning.

H Good morning.

G Single to Exeter, please.

H £14.70, please.

G There you are. Thank you... er... what time's the next train?

H 10.25 G Thank you.

5.The train now arriving at Platform 12 is the 7.10 from Swansea. Trains from Swansea are running approximately 15 minutes late due to maintenance work between Swansea and Cardiff.

I Hello, there!

J I beg your pardon?

I Hello! How are you getting on?

J Fine, thank you... sorry... do I know you?

I Yes, it's me, Nick Fowler!

J Sorry, I don't think I know you.

I Aren't you Harry Shiner?

J Er. no... I'm afraid not.

I Oh, I'm terribly sorry, I thought you were someone else!

IS EVERY THING READY?

“This is Your Life” is one of the most popular programmes on British and American television. Every week a famous person is invited to a television studio, without knowing that he or she will be the subject of the programme. The compère meets the person outside the studio and says “This is you life!”. The person then meets friends and relatives from his or her past and present. Studio 4 is where the programme is recorded. The programme begins at eight o'clock. It's 6.45 now and the director is checking the preparations with his new production assistant. The subject of tonight's show will be an actor, Jason Douglas. The compère, as usual, will be Terry Donovan.

Director Let's just check the arrangements. We're bringing Jason Douglas here in a studio car — he thinks he's coming to a discussion programme! The driver has been told to arrive at exactly 7.55. Now, the programme begins at eight o'clock. At that time Jason will be walking to the studio. Terry Donovan will start his introduction at 8.01, and Jason will arrive at 8.02. Terry will meet him at the studio entrance... Camera 4 will be there. Then he'll take him to that seat. It'll be on Camera 3. Jason will be sitting there during the whole programme. For most of the show Terry will be standing in the middle, and he'll be on Camera 2. The guests will come through that door, talk to Terry and Jason... and then sit over there.

Director Now, is that all clear?

Production Assistant Yes... there's just one thing.

Director Well, what is it?

PA Who's going to look after the guests during the show?

Director Pauline is.

PA And where will they be waiting during the show?

Director In room 401, as usual. Pauline will be waiting with them, and she'll be watching the show on the monitor. She'll tell them two minutes before they enter.

PA I think that's everything

THIS IS YOUR LIFE!

Terry Good evening and welcome to “This is Your Life”. This is Terry Donovan speaking. We're waiting for the subject of tonight's programme. He's one of the world's leading actors, and he thinks he's coming here to take part in a discussion programme... I can hear him now... yes, here he is! Jason Douglas... This is your life!

Jason Oh, no... I don't believe it! Not me...

Terry Yes, you! Now come over here and sit down. Jason, you were born at number 28 Balaclava Street in East Ham, London on July 2nd 1947. You were one of six children, and your father was a taxi driver. Of course, your name was then Graham Smith.

Terry Now, do you know this voice? “I remember Jason when he was two. He used to scream and shout all day.”

Jason Susan!

Terry Yes... all the way from Sydney, Australia... she flew here specially for this programme. It's your sister, Susan Fraser!

Jason Susan... why didn't you tell me... oh, this is wonderful!

Terry Yes, you haven't seen each other for 13 years... take a seat next to him, Susan. You started school at the age of five, in 1952, and in 1958 you moved to Lane End Secondary School.

Terry Do you remember this voice? “Smith! Stop looking out of the window!”

Jason Oh, no! It's Mr Hooper!

Terry Your English teacher, Mr Stanley Hooper. Was Jason a good student, Mr Hooper?

Mr Hooper Eh? No, he was the worst in the class... but he was a brilliant actor, even in those days. He could imitate all the teachers!

Terry Thank you, Mr Hooper. You can speak to Jason, later. Well, you went to the London School of Drama in 1966, and left in 1969. In 1973 you went to Hollywood.

Terry Do you know this is voice? “Hi Jason... Can you ride a horse yet?”

Jason Maria!

Terry Maria Montrose... who's come from Hollywood to be with you tonight.

Maria Hello, Jason... it's great to be here. Hello, Terry. Jason and I were in a movie together in 1974. Jason had to learn to ride a horse... well, Jason doesn't like horses very much.

Jason Like them! I'm terrified of them!

Maria Anyway, he practised for two weeks. Then he went to the director... it was Charles Orson... and said “What do you want me to do?” Charles said, “I want you to fall off the horse”. Jason was furious. He said, “What? Fall off! I've been practising for two weeks... I could fall off the first day... without any practice!”

THE MONTE CARLO RALLY

The Monte Carlo Rally, which started in 1911, is Europe's most famous motoring event. Competitors leave from several points around Europe and follow routes of approximately equal length to a rallying point which will be Geneva this year. They then follow a single route to the finish. The rally consists of five daily stages, beginning on Sunday morning, and each competitor will have driven about 3000 kilometres by Thursday night. It is not a race. The winner is decided on a points system. Drivers have to maintain an average speed between control points, and there are also special tests of driving skill in different conditions on the way.

Motoring news

This is radio Wessex on 203 metres, medium wave. It's nine o'clock on Monday 25th January and this is Barry King reporting from Dover. The British competitors in the Monte Carlo Rally have just arrived here at the end of the second stage in this year's competition. Russell Cook, who's driving a Sunbeam Lotus, is leading. The Triumph driven by Tony Bond, who won last year's rally, crashed in Yorkshire this morning. Tony was unhurt but will be unable to continue. Seven other cars have withdrawn due to bad weather conditions. Tonight the cars, which left from Glasgow on Sunday morning, will be crossing the England Channel.

OUT OF WORK

In Britain a lot of people are out of work. Tracey Chapman is 18, and she left school a year ago. She lives in the North East, an area of high youth unemployment. She hasn't been able to find a job yet.

“My dad just doesn't understand. He started working in a steel mill when he was 15. Things are different now, but he thinks I should start bringing home some money. Oh, I get my unemployment benefit, but that isn't much and I'm fed up with queuing for it every Thursday. I hate having to ask my mum and dad for money. Oh, my mum gives me money a couple of pounds for tights now and then, but she can't stand seeing me at home all day. I've almost given up looking for a job. I buy the local paper every day but I'm really tired of looking through the “Situations Vacant” column. There are 50 applicants for every job. I was interested in being a dentist's receptionist because I like meeting people, but now I'd take any job at all. People ask me why I don't move to London, but I don't want to leave my family and friends. Anyway, I'm scared of living on my own in a big city.”

George Morley is 54. Until last year he was a production manager in the textile industry. He had worked for the same company since he left school. He had a good job, a four-bedroomed house and a company car. When his company had to close because of economic difficulties, he became redundant.

“It's funny really... I don't feel old, but it isn't easy to start looking for a job at my age. I've had so many refusals. Now I'm frightened of applying for job. All the interviewers are twenty years younger than me. You see, I'm interested in learning a new skill, but nobody wants to train me. I can see their point of view. I'll have to retire in ten years. It's just... well, I'm tired of sitting around the house. I've worked hard for nearly forty years and now I'm terrified of having nothing to do. When I was still with Lancastrian Textiles I was bored with doing the same thing day after day, but now I'd really enjoy doing a job again... any job really. It's not the money... I got good redundancy pay, and the house is paid for... and I've given up smoking... no, it's not just money. I just need to feel... well, useful... that's all.”

Reading

In Britain there is a special service for school leavers, The Careers Advisory Service, which helps young people who are looking for their first job. Careers Officers give practical advice on interview techniques, application forms, letters, pay, National Insurance and Trade Unions. This is an extract from a leaflet which is given to young people by Dorset Careers Service.

THE INTERVIEW

You've got an interview for a job — good! So now for the hard work. To do well at an interview you need to put in some though first.

The employer wants to know if you are the person he wants, so you'll be asked about yourself. Think about it now:

What do I do well? School activities?

What are my good points? School subjects?

Why would I like this job? Previous work?

Spare-time interests? Saturday job?

What is my family like?

What do I like doing and why?

What do I not like doing and why?

You will want to ask questions too.

The job itself?

Training?

Prospects?

Further Education?

Conditions?

Can I see where I would be working?

Hours?

£ £ £ £ ?

Write your questions down and take them with you.

BEFORE THE INTERVIEW

1 Find out what you can about the firm.

2 Find out the interviewer's name and telephone number.

3 Find out where the interview is.

4 Find out how long it will take to get there.

5 Make sure you know what the job involves.

6 Dress to look clean and tidy.

AT THE INTERVIEW

1 Do arrive early. Phone if you're held up.

2 Do try to smile.

3 Do show interest in the job and ask questions.

4 Do be polite.

5 Don't panic, even if faced by more than one person.

6 Don't slouch around and look bored.

7 Don't smoke or chew.

8 Don't give one word answers or say you don't care what you do.

Look at these job advertisements.

Trainee computer programmer

Good opportunity for a start in computers. Ability at maths is essential. Application forms from: Personnel Department, Continental Computers, Honeywell Rd., Bournemouth.

Fernside Engineering

Require a junior clerk for the accounts department.

Apply in writing to: The Personnel Officer, Fernside Engineering, Western Rd., Poole.

Shop assistant

A vacancy for a smart, lively young person. Good prospects. Please write to:

Mrs. J..Frost, 'Cool Boutique', 39 High St., Dorchester.

Applying by letter

1 Remember that first impressions are important.

2 Write clearly and neatly on good notepaper, unlined if possible.

3 Check for spelling mistakes. Use a dictionary if you are not sure of a word.

4 Describe yourself, your qualifications and your experience clearly.

5 If the advertisement asks you to write for an application form you will not need to give detailed information in your letter.

6 Address the letter and the envelope clearly.

44 Deepdale Road,

Boscombe,

Bournemouth,

BH92 7JX

4th April, 1982

The Personnel Department,

Continental Computers,

Honeywell Road,

Bournemouth

Dear sir or Madam,

I read your advertisement in yesterday's 'Evening Echo'. I am interested in training as a computer programmer. Could you please send me an application form, and any further details.

Your faithfully,

Joanne Evans

Grammar notes

Verb pattern:

S + V + to-infinitive

The following verbs are followed by a to-infinitive which expresses:

1. Purpose:

For example:

Stop to smoke

Come to see you

Dress to look tidy

Eat and drink to service

Write to tell you about...

Work to earn one's living

Drink and smoke to chase away my sorrow

2. Non-purpose

For example:

Try to do better

Refuse to help

Begin to rain

Intend not to see

Learn to swim

Like to come

Forgot to post... (Where “forgot” has meaning of no longer having a memory of or not being able to call to mind, it is followed by the gerund)

Prefer to start

Decide not to go

Have to go

Need to stay

Have to have a better life

Never thought (expected) to see you here

Thinks to... (has the idea that he can or will) deceive us.

A statement about a particular occasion (especially with would like & should like)

Verb + V-ing

A general statement

For example:

He likes swimming very much. So he think he likes to swim there but not to sit still on the beach all morning, watching how the others do it.

Expressions

be bothered (v) bân lÎng

be faced by ½õïng ½ßu

be held up

BATTLE OF TRAFALGAR STREET

Last night, for the third time this week, police and County Council officials had to turn and run when they were showered with boiling water from the upstairs window of No 10 Trafalgar Street. They were hoping to speak to Mrs Florence Hamilton, an 83-year-old widow, who is still refusing to leave her home. Every other house in the street had been demolished. The Council are planning to build four 20-storey blocks of flats in the area. All the other residents agreed to move when the Council offered to provide them with new flats nearby. On Tuesday evening a social worker who wanted to speak to Mrs Hamilton was attacked and badly bitten by one of her dogs.

Radio Report 1

This is Pennine Radio News, Alan Nelson reporting from Trafalgar Street. Mr Hardy, the Tadworth Housing Officer, has agreed to speak to us.

Alan Now, Mr Hardy, has the situation changed since last night?

Hardy No, it hasn't. Mrs Hamilton is still there, and she's still refusing to talk to us.

Alan Well, what are you going to do?

Hardy It's a very difficult situation. We'd like her to come out peacefully. The police don't intend to prosecute her... but she's a very stubborn lady!

Alan Stubborn? Yes, well, it is her home.

Hardy I agree, and it's been her home for a long time, I know. But nobody else refused to move. You see, a lot of people in this area are living in sub-standard accommodation and we are going to build over 300 flats on this site. Families are expecting to move into them next year! It's all being delayed because of one person!

Alan But Mrs Hamilton was born in that house.

Hardy Of course, of course. But we have promised to give her a modern flat immediately, a very nice flat which is ideal for an elderly person living alone.

Alan So, what happens next?

Hardy I don't know. I really don't ... but we can't wait forever. The police will have to do something soon. It won't be easy. She's got two very big dogs, and they don't like strangers!

Radio Report 2

We have also managed to arrange an interview with Mrs Hamilton. She has decided to speak to us but she has demanded to see me alone.

Mrs Hamilton!

Mrs Hamilton Who are you?

Alan I'm Alan Nelson... Pennine Radio News.

Mrs Hamilton Well... don't come any closer, or I'll let the dogs out. Down Caesar! Sit, boy!

Alan I'm sure our listeners would like to hear your side of the story.

Mrs Hamilton There's not much to say. I'm not moving! I was born here, I had my children here, and I intend to die here.

Alan But the Council really need to have this land, and they have arranged to provide a new flat for you...

Mrs Hamilton Oh, yes. I know, but I can't take my dogs with me... and I need to have company. My dogs are all I've got. Down boy!

Alan How long can you stay here?

Mrs Hamilton Oh, I've got plenty of food. The Council have threatened to cut off the water and electricity, but I'll be all right.

Alan Well, thank you, Mrs. Hamilton... and good luck!

Mrs Hamilton And you can tell the Council from me... I want another house where I can keep my dogs, not a little flat in a bloody high-rise block

MARRIAGE GUIDANCE COUNCIL

Malcolm and Barbara Harris have been married for nearly fifteen years. They've got two children, Gary aged thirteen, and Andrea, who is eleven. During the last couple of years Malcolm and Barbara haven't been very happy. They argue all the time. Barbara's sister advised them to go to the Marriage Guidance Council. There is one in most Britain towns. It's an organization which allows people to talk with a third person about their problems. This is their third visit, and Mrs Murray, the counsellor, always sees them.

Barbara's interview

Mrs Murray Ah, come in Barbara. Take a seat. Is your husband here?

Barbara Yes, he's waiting outside. He didn't want to come here this week, but... well, I persuaded him to come.

Mrs Murray I see. How have things been?

Barbara Oh, much the same. We still seem to have rows all the time.

Mrs Murray What do you quarrel about?

Barbara What don't we quarrel about, you mean! Oh, everything. You see, he's so inconsiderate...

Mrs Murray Go on.

Barbara Well, I'll give you an example. You know, when the children started school, I wanted to go back to work again, too. So I got a job. Well, anyway, by the time I've collected Gary and Andrea from school, I only get home about half an hour before Malcom...

Mrs Murray Yes?

Barbara Well, when he gets home, he expects me to run around and get his tea. He never does anything in this house!

Mrs Murray Hmm.

Barbara And last Friday! he invited three of his friends to come round for a drink. He didn't tell me to expect them, and I'd had a long and difficult day. I don't think that's right, do you?

Mrs Murray Barbara, I'm not here to pass judgement. I'm here to listen.

Barbara Sorry. And he's so untidy. He's worse than the kids. I always have to remind him to pick up his clothes. He just throws them on the floor. After all, I'm not his servant. I've got my own career. Actually, I think that's part of the trouble. You see, I earn as much money as he does.

Malcolm's interview

Mrs Murray Malcolm! I'm so glad you could come.

Malcolm Hello, Mrs Murray. Well, I'll be honest. Barbara had to force me to come, really.

Mrs Murray Does it embarrass you to talk about your problems?

Malcolm Yes, it does. But I suppose we need to talk to somebody.

Mrs Murray Barbara feels that you ... well, you resent her job.

Malcolm I don't know. I would prefer her to stay at home, but she's very well qualified... and I encouraged her to go back to work. Now the kids are at school, she needs an interest... and I suppose we need the money.

Mrs Murray How do you share the housework?

Malcolm I try to help. I always help her to wash up, and I help Gary and Andrea to do their homework while she does the dinner, but she doesn't think that's enough. What do you think?

Mrs Murray I'm not here to give an opinion, Malcolm.

Malcolm I think we're both too tired, that's all. In the evenings we're both too tired to talk. And Barbara... she never allows me to suggest anything about the house or about the kids. We always have the same arguments. She's got her own opinions and that's it. Last night we had another row. She's forbidden the kids to ride their bikes to school.

Mrs Murray Why?

Malcolm She thinks they're too young to ride in the traffic. But I think they should. She always complains about collecting them from school. But you can't wrap children in cotton-wool, can you?

A FUNNY THING HAPPENED TO ME...

 A funny thing happened to me last Friday. I'd gone to London to do some shopping. I wanted to get some Christmas presents, and I needed to find some books for my course at college (you see, I'm a student). I caught an early train to London, so by early afternoon I'd bought everything that I wanted. Anyway, I'm not very font of London, all the noise and traffic, and I'd made some arrangements for that evening. So, I took a taxi to Waterloo station. I can't really afford taxis, but I wanted to get the 3.30 train. Unfortunately the taxi got stuck in a traffic jam, and by the time I got to Waterloo, the train had just gone. I had to wait an hour for the next one. I bought an evening newspaper, the ‘Standard’, and wandered over to the station buffet. At that time of day it's nearly empty, so I bought a coffee and a packet of biscuits... chocolate biscuits. I'm very fond of chocolate biscuits. There were plenty of empty tables and I found one near the window. I sat down and began doing the crossword. I always enjoy doing crossword puzzles.

After a couple of minutes a man sat down opposite me. There was nothing special about him, except that he was very tall. In fact he looked like a typical city businessman... you know, dark suit and briefcase. I didn't say anything and I carried on with my crossword. Suddenly he reached across the table, opened my packet of biscuits, took one, dipped it into his coffee and popped it into his mouth. I couldn't believe my eyes! I was too shocked to say anything. Anyway, I didn't want to make a fuss, so I decided to ignore it. I always avoid trouble if I can. I just took a biscuit myself and went back to my crossword.

When the man took a second biscuit, I didn't look up and I didn't make a sound. I pretended to be very interested in the puzzle. After a couple of minutes, I casually put out my hand, took the last biscuit and glanced at the man. He was staring at me furiously. I nervously put the biscuit in my mouth, and decided to leave. I was ready to get up and go when the man suddenly pushed back his chair, stood up and hurried out of the buffet. I felt very relieved and decided to wait two or three minutes before going myself. I finished my coffee, folded my newspaper and stood up. And there, on the table, where my newspaper had been, was my packet of biscuits.

POLITE REQUESTS

Max Millwall used to be a popular comedian on British radio. He's nearly 70 now, but he still performs in clubs in the Midlands and North of England. He's on stage now at the All-Star Variety Club in Wigan.

Well, good evening, ladies and gentlemen... and others! It's nice to be back in Wigan again. Well, I have to say that, I say it every night. I said it last night. The only trouble was that I was in Birmingham. I thought the audience looked confused! Actually, I remember Wigan very well indeed. Really! You know, the first time I came here was in the 1930s. I was very young and very shy... thank you, mother. No, you can't believe that, can you? Well, it's true. I was very young and very shy. Anyway, the first Saturday night I was in Wigan, I decided to go to the local dance-hall. Do you remember the old ‘Majestic Ballroom’ in Wythenshawe Street? There's a multi-storey car park there now. It was lovely place... always full of beautiful girl, (the ballroom, not the car pack). Of course, most of them are grandmothers now! Oh, you were there too, were you, love? I was much too shy to ask anyone for a dance. So I sat down at a table, and I thought I'd watch for a while. You know, see how the other lads did it. At the next table there was a lovely girl in a blue dress. She'd arrived with a friend, but her friend was dancing with someone. This bloke came over to her, he was very posh, wearing a dinner-jacket and a bow tie! Well, he walked up to her and said, ‘Excuse me, may I have the pleasure of the next dance?’ She looked up at him (she had lovely big blue eyes) and said ‘Eh? What did you say?’ So he said, ‘I wonder if you would be kind enough to dance with me... er... if you don't mind.’ ‘Eoo...no, thank you very much,’ she replied.

A few minutes later, this other chap arrived. He had a blue suit, a nice tie, and a little moustache. He gave her this big smile, and said, ‘Would you be so kind as to have the next dance with me?’ ‘Pardon?’ she said. I thought to myself ‘She's a bit deaf... or maybe she hasn't washed her ears recently.’

‘Would you mind having the next dance with me?’ he said, a bit nervously this time. ‘Eee, no thanks, love. I'm finishing my lemonade,’ she replies. ‘Blimey! I thought. This looks a bit difficult.’

Then this third fellow came over. He was very good-looking, you know, black teeth, white hair ... sorry! I mean white teeth, black hair! ‘May I ask you something?’ he said, ever so politely. ‘If you like,’ she answered. ‘Can I ... I mean ... could I ... no, might I have the next dance with you?’ ‘Oooh, sorry,’ she said. ‘My feet are aching. I've been standing up all day at the shop.’

By now, I was terrified. I mean, she'd said ‘no’ to all of them! Then this fourth character thought he'd try.

‘Would you like to dance?’ he said. ‘What?’ she replied. She was a lovely girl, but I didn't think much of her voice! ‘Do you want to dance?’ he said. She looked straight at him. ‘No’, she said. That's all. ‘No.’ Well, I decided to go home. I was wearing an old jacket and trousers, and nobody would say that I was good-looking! Just as I was walking past her table, she smiled. ‘Er ... dance?’ I said. ‘Thank you very much,’ she replied. And that was that! It's our fortieth wedding anniversary next week.

POLITE REQUESTS

A Mike...

B Yes?

A Shut the door will you? It's freezing in here!

B Right... sorry.

C Karen...

D Yes?

C Lend me 20p. I've left my purse in the office.

D Oh, OK. Here you are.

C Thanks.

E Excuse me, could you pass me the sugar?

F Oh, yes. Of course. There you are.

E Thank you very much.

G Can I help you?

H Oh, thank you. Would you mind putting my case on the rack?

G Not at all. There you are.

H Oh, thank you so much. You're very kind.

I Excuse me. It's a bit stuffy in here. Do you mind if I open the window?

J No, no. I don't mind at all. I feel like some fresh air too.

K Excuse me, Mrs Howe. May I ask you something?

L Yes, Wendy, what is this?

K May I have the day off next Friday?

L Well, we're very busy. Is it important?

K Er, yes, it is, really. It's my cousin's wedding.

L Oh, well! Of course you can.

M Can I help you, sir?

N I beg your pardon?

M Can I help you, sir?

N Oh, no... no, thank you. I'm just looking.

O Good morning.

P Good morning. I wonder if you can help me. I'm trying to find a Christmas present, for my father.

O Might I suggest a tie?

P Hmm... perhaps. Could you show me some ties?

Q Excuse me...

R Yes?

Q I wonder if you'd be kind enough to get me one of those tins... on the top shelf. I can't reach it.

R Certainly. There you are.

Q Thank you very much indeed.

A TRIP TO SPAIN

Norman Garrard is a trainee sales representative. He's 22, and he works for a company that sells toys. He's going to Spain on business. It's his first business trip abroad, and he's packing his suitcase. He lives with his parents, and his mother is helping him, and fussing.

Mrs Garrard Norman... haven't you finished packing yet?

Norman No, Mum. But it's all right. There isn't much to do.

Mrs Garrard Well, I'll give you a hand. Oh, there isn't much room left. Is there anywhere to put your toilet bag?

Norman Yes, yes... it'll go in here. Now, I've got three more shirts to pack... they'll go on top... but there's another pair of shoes to get in. I don't know where to put them.

Mrs Garrard Put them down the side. Right. I think we can close it now.

Norman Right. Where's the label?

Mrs Garrard Which label, dear?

Norman The airline label to put on the suitcase. Ah, here it is.

Mrs Garrard Now, have you got the key?

Norman Which key?

Mrs Garrard The key to lock the case, of course.

Norman It's in the block, Mum. Don't fuss. There's nothing worry about. There's plenty of time.

Mrs Garrard Have you forgotten anything?

Norman I hope not.

Mrs Garrard And you've got a safe pocket to keep your passport in?

Norman Yes, it's in my inside jacket pocket.

Mrs Garrard Have you got a book to read on the plane?

Norman Yes, it's in my briefcase.

Mrs Garrard And has everything been arranged?

Norman What do you mean?

Mrs Garrard Well, is there someone to meet you at the other end?

Norman Oh, yes. The Spanish representative's meeting me at the airport.

Mrs Garrard And you've got somewhere to stay tonight?

Norman I hope so! Now, everything's ready. I'll just have to get some pesetas at the airport. I'll need some small change to tip the porter, but that's all.

Mrs Garrard Well, have a good trip, dear... and look after yourself.

Norman Thanks, Mum.

Mrs Garrard Oh! I nearly forgot! Here are some sweets to suck on the plane, you know, when it's coming down.

Norman Oh, Mum... don't worry. I'll be all right, really! I'll see you next week.

FLYING TO SPAIN

A. Airport announcements.

1 This is the last call for the twelve o'clock British Airways flight BA 412 to Amsterdam. Would passengers for this flight please proceed without delay to Gate 17.

2 Scandinavian Airlines announce the departure of the 12.05 flight SK 526 to Stockholm. This flight is now boarding at Gate 8.

3 Would passengers for the 12.10 Iberia flight IB 341 to Madrid please go at once to Gate 16 where this flight is now boarding.

4 Alitalia regret to announce that their 12.15 flight AZ 281 to Rome will be delayed for approximately 30 minutes.

5 Olympic Airways announce the departure of the 12.30 flight OA 260 to Athens. Would passengers on this flight please proceed to Gate 19.

6 This is a call for Mr Gaston Meyer. Would Mr Gaston Meyer traveling on the 12.45 Sabena flight SN 604 to Brussels report to the airport information desk, please.

B. In flight announcements

1 Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Captain Perez and his crew welcome you aboard Iberia fight IB 341 to Madrid. I'm sorry to announce a slight delay. We are still waiting for clearance from Air Traffic Control. The delay won't be too long and we hope to arrive in Madrid on time.

2 This is your captain speaking. We are now passing over the English coast. Our Boeing 727 is cruising at a height of 30,000 feet and our speed is approximately 560 miles per hour. The temperature in Madrid is 18°C and it is a clear and sunny day. We expect to pass through some slight turbulence and would recommend passengers to remain in their seats and keep their belts fastened.

3 We are now beginning our descent to Madrid. Would passengers please make sure that their seat-belts are fastened and extinguish all smoking materials. We would like to remind passengers that smoking is not permitted until you are in the airport building.

4 We hope you had a pleasant and enjoyable fight. We would like to thank you for travelling on Iberia, and we hope to see you again soon. Would passengers please remain seated until the plane has come to a complete stop and the doors have been opened.

Lunch on the plane

Steward Here's your tray, sir.

Norman Oh, thank you.

Stewart Would you like something to drink?

Norman Er... yes, please. Some red wine.

Steward That's 100 pesetas.

Norman Thanks. Can I pay in British money?

Steward Of course. You needn't pay now, I'll collect it later.

Landing-card

Steward Spanish national or non-Spanish, sir?

Norman Er... I'm British.

Steward Would you mind completing this landing-card, sir?

Norman Right. Thank you.

Passport control

Official Passport, please. Thank you. Where have you come from, sir?

Norman London.

Official And what's the purpose of your visit... business or pleasure?

Norman Business.

Official Fine... and how long will you be staying here?

Norman Just for five days.

Official Thank you, Mr Garrard. I hope you enjoy your visit.

MONEY, MONEY, MONEY

Bargaining

Lucy Excuse me.

Stallholder Yes, miss?

Lucy How much do you want for this plate?

Stallholder Let me see. Oh, yes... that is a lovely example of Victorian brass. It's worth twenty quid.

Lucy Twenty pounds! Oh, that's too much for me. It's a pity. It's really nice.

Stallholder Ah, I said it's worth twenty quid. I'm only asking fifteen for it.

Lucy Fifteen pounds?

Stallholder Yes. It's a real bargain.

Lucy Oh, I'm sure it is... but I can't afford that!

Stallholder Well, look... just for you ... I'll make it fourteen quid. I can't go lower than that.

Lucy I'll give you ten.

Stallholder Ten! Come on, love. You must be joking! I paid more than that for it myself! Fourteen. It's worth every penny.

Lucy Well, perhaps I could give you eleven.

Stallholder Thirteen. That's my final offer.

Lucy Twelve.

Stallholder Twelve fifty?

Lucy All right, twelve fifty.

Stallholder There you are, love. You've got a real bargain there!

Lucy Yes, thank you very much.

INSIDE STORY

IBC NEWS

This is IBC News. Julian Snow, the missing ‘Daily News’ reporter, was interviewed this morning by Dominic Beale of IBC News in Mandanga.

Beale Julian, can you tell us how you were captured in the first place?

Snow Well, I was on my way to visit a village near the front line. I came round a bend in the road and there was a tree lying across the road. I only just managed to stop in time! Suddenly, armed men appeared on all sides!

Beale What did you do?

Snow What would you do? I just sat there with my hands in the air! Anyway, they made me get out of the Land Rover, and made me line on the ground... I thought ‘This is it! They're going to shoot me!’ I started saying my prayers!

Beal What happened next?

Snow Well, they searched me. Of course, I didn't have any weapons, just a camera. It's funny, they let me keep it. Then they tied my hands together and blindfolded me. Then they made me get in the back of a truck and lie under some sacks. I've no idea where they took me, except that it was quite a large training camp. I was there for ten days.

Beale Were you treated well?

Snow Yes, I suppose I was. They let me walk about the camp and they let me take photographs, but they wouldn't let me photograph any faces. I was able to interview some of the leaders.

Beale How did you escape?

Snow I didn't! They put me back in the truck, blindfolded me again, drove for a few hours, then made me get out, pointed me in the direction of town and let me go!

Beale And what exactly did the guerrilla leaders say about the situation?

Snow Ah! Well, if you want to know that, you'll have to buy tomorrow's ‘Daily News

PREFERENCES

A What are you doing tomorrow night?

B Nothing. Why?

A Well, do you like jazz?

B Yes, I do, very much.

A Which do you like best? Modern or traditional?

B I like both, really.

A There's a ‘Weather Report’ concert at the Hammersmith Odeon. Would you like to come?

B Oh, yes! They're my favourite group.

C Lisa, look over here. They've got a very good selection of Levi cords.

D Oh, yes! And they're got my size, too.

C But only in navy blue and black. Which do you prefer?

D Hmm. I don't like either of them very much. I really wanted green.

C They haven't got green in your size. Go on, try a pair on.

D No, no. I'd prefer to look somewhere else.

E Have you decided yet? What do you want to see?

F ‘A Moment of Peace’ is on at the Continental. I'd like to see that.

E Would you really? Oh, I'd rather see ‘War in Space’.

F Oh, no! The reviews were terrible.

E I know, but it sounds fun. ‘A Moment of Peace’ is in French, and I'd rather not have to read subtitles.

F Then how about ‘California Sunset’?

E I'd rather not... I can't stand Steve Newman.

F Well, you choose.

E I don't fancy any of them. I'd much rather stay in and watch TV!

G What do you fancy?

H I don't know. There isn't much choice, is there?

G No, there isn't, really. What would you rather have? Steak and kidney or plaice?

H I can't make up my mind. I'd rather have a hamburger.

G We can ask for the full menu, if you like.

H No, it's not worth it. I'll have the plaice.

WHERE HAVE ALL THE FANS GONE?

“Good evening and well come to the ‘Michael Parkhurst Talkabout’. In tonight's ‘Talkabout’ we're looking at the problem of soccer's missing millions. Since 1950 attendance at football matches has fallen by nearly fifty per cent. Many clubs are in financial trouble, and tonight we hope to identify the major causes and discuss some possible solutions.

First of all, we'll hear from one of soccer's lost millions, Mr Bert Woods from London, who used to be a regular Chelsea supporter.”

“I stopped going five or six years ago. I'd rather stay at home and watch it on telly. You get a better view and I like the action replays. I'm too afraid to go now, really! All this violence, you know. When I was a lad there was the occasional fight on the terraces, but nothing like you see these days — whole gangs of teenagers who aren't interested in football. Somebody ought to do something about it! These kids aren't real fans, they just come looking for trouble. The police ought to sort out the real fans from the troublemakers. You know, I always used to go with my dad, but I wouldn't take my kids. There's too much foul language. And I don't only blame the kids. There ought to be more discipline at home and in schools.”

“Thank you, Mr Woods. Let's go over to Brian Huff, the manager of East-field United, one of our most successful clubs. Brian.”

“I sympathize with Mr Woods, and there are plenty of people like him. Anyway, we'd better do something about it, or we'll all go broke! The clubs and players must share the blame. Football's big business, and it's very competitive. Winning has become the most important thing. There's too much violence on the field. Referees have to get tougher with players. They should send off players for deliberate fouls. The other problem is television. There's too much football on TV, and they only show the most exciting parts, goals, fouls and violence. People are bored when they see the real game. Anyway the clubs started talking about these problems ten years ago, and nothing's been done. We'd better not spend another ten years talking. We'd better do something, and do it soon!”

“Our next guest is a young fan. Kevin Dolan, a Manchester United supporter, who is sixteen years old. What do you think, Kevin?”

“Well, I'm not one of soccer's missing millions. I never miss a match. I've travelled all over the country with United and I've never been in trouble. I blame the media for most of this violence. They only show young people when they're doing something wrong. They ought not to give so much publicity to trouble-makers. It only encourages the others, doesn't it? The violence always starts when there's a TV camera near. If they banned alcohol from football grounds, there'd be much less trouble.”

“Thank you, Kevin. Our last speaker is Jimmy MacTavish, the ex-Scotland striker who has just returned from the United States after spending two years with Miami Galaxy. Well, Jimmy. What ought we to do?”

“I agree with a lot of what's been said, Michael, but hadn't we better look at some solutions? I've been playing in the States for the last two seasons and I haven't seen any violence over there. A football match is a day out for the family. More than half the supporters are women and children, and there are much better facilities. Everybody gets a comfortable seat. There are good restaurants and there's entertainment before and after the game, and at half-time. Football stadiums are old, cold and dirty over here. We'd better take a good look at American soccer. I think we've got a lot to learn! Entertainment is what football is all about and we'd better not forget it!”

NIGHT FLIGHT

“This is Captain Cook speaking. Our estimated time of arrival in Brisbane will be one a.m., so we've got a long flight ahead of us. I hope you enjoy it. Our hostesses will be serving dinner shortly. Thank you.”

It was Christmas Eve 1959, and the beginning of another routine flight. The hostesses started preparing the food trays. A few of the passengers were trying to get some sleep, but most of them were reading. There was nothing to see from the windows except the vast blackness of the Australian desert below. There was nothing unusual about the flight, except perhaps that the plane was nearly full. A lot of the passengers were traveling home to spend Christmas with their families. The hostesses started serving dinner.

It was a smooth and quiet flight. The hostesses had finished collecting the trays, and they were in the galley putting things away when the first buzzers sounded. One of the hostesses went along the aisle to check. When she came back she looked surprised. “It's amazing,” she said. “Even on a smooth flight like this two people have been sick.”

Twenty minutes later nearly half the passengers were ill — dramatically ill. Several were moaning and groaning, some were double up in pain, and two were unconscious. Fortunately there was a doctor on board, and he was helping the hostesses. He came to the galley and said, “I'd better speak to the captain. This is a severe case of food poisoning. I think we'd better land as soon as possible.” “What caused it?” asked one of the hostesses. “Well,” replied the doctor, “I had the beef for dinner, and I'm fine. The passengers who chose the fish are ill.” The hostess led him to the flight deck. She tried to open the door. “I think it's jammed,” she said. The doctor helped her to push it open. The captain was lying behind the door. He was unconscious. The co-pilot was slumped across the controls, the radio operator was trying to revive him.

The doctor quickly examined the two pilots. “They just collapsed,” said the radio operator. “I don't feel too good myself.” “Can you land the plane?” said the doctor. “Me? No, I'm not a pilot. We've got to revive them!” he replied. “The plane's on automatic pilot. We're OK for a couple of hours.” “I don't know,” said the doctor. “They could be out for a long time.” “I'd better contact ground control,” said the radio operator. The doctor turned to the hostess. “Perhaps you should make an announcement, try to find out if there's a pilot on board.” “We can't do that!” she said, “It'll cause a general panic.” “Well how the hell are we going to get this thing down?” said the doctor.

Suddenly the hostess remembered something. “One of the passengers... I overheard him saying that he'd been a pilot in the war. I'll get him.” She found the man and asked him to come to the galley. “Didn't you say you used to be a pilot?” she asked. “Yes... why? The pilot's all right, isn't he?” She led him to the flight deck. They explained the situation to him. “You mean, you want me to fly the plane?” he said. “You must be joking. I was a pilot, but I flew single-engined fighter planes, and that was fifteen years ago. This thing's got four engines!”

“Isn't there anybody else?” he asked. “I'm afraid not,” said the hostess. The man sat down at the controls. His hands were shaking slightly. The radio operator connected him to Air Traffic Control. They told him to keep flying on the automatic pilot towards Brisbane, and to wait for further instructions from an experienced pilot. An hour later the lights of Brisbane appeared on the horizon. He could see the lights of the runway shining brightly beyond the city. Air Traffic Control told him to keep circling until the fuel gauge registered almost empty. This gave him a chance to get used to handling the controls. In the cabin the hostesses and the doctor were busy attending to the sick. Several people were unconscious. The plane circled for over half an hour. The passengers has begun to realize that something was wrong. “What's going on? Why don't we land?” shouted a middle-aged man. “My wife's ill. We've got to get her to hospital!” A woman began sobbing quietly. At last the plane started its descent. Suddenly there was a bump which shook the plane. “We're all going to die!” screamed a man. Even the hostesses looked worried as panic began to spread through the plane. “It's all right!” someone said, “The pilot's just lowered the wheels, that's all.” As the plane approached the runway they could see fire trucks and ambulances speeding along beside the runway with their lights flashing. There was a tremendous thump as the wheels hit the tarmac, bounced twice, raced a long the runway and screeched to a halt. The first airport truck was there in seconds. “That was nearly a perfect landing. Well done!” shouted the control tower. “Thanks,” said the man. “Any chance of a job?”

THE JUNK-SHOP

Justin Wedgewood and Lenny Smith are antique-dealers. They've got a very successful business. They travel around the country buying antique furniture and paintings from junk-shops and from elderly people, and then they sell them from their shop in Kensington, a fashionable part of London. Today they're in small Welsh town. Justin's just come out of a little junk-shops, and he seems very excited.

Justin Lenny, we're in luck! There's a painting in there, a landscape, it's a good one. I thought it might be valuable, so I had a good look at the signature. It isn't very clear. I think it may be a Constable.

Lenny A Constable? It can't be! They're all in art galleries. They're worth a fortune!

Justin Well, someone found one two years ago. This might be another. It's dirty and it isn't in very good condition.

Leny How much do you think it's worth?

Justin I don't know. It may be worth a hundred thousand, it might even be worth more!

Lenny Be careful, Justin. We'd better use the old trick.

Justin Right. There's a chair in the window. It must be worth about five pounds. I'll offer the old lady fifty quid for it. She'll be so pleased that she won't think about the painting.

Lenny Don't say you want the painting, say you want the frame. OK?

Justin Fine, you'd better wait in the van. I'd rather do this on my own.

Leny Er... Justin, check the signature before you give her fifty quid for the chair.

Justin Don't worry, Leny. I know what I'm doing.

Mrs Griffiths I'll be with you in a minute.

Justin Hello, I'm interested in that chair in the window.

Mrs Griffiths What? That old thing? It's been there for years!

Justin Has it? Er... it very nice. I think it could be Victorian.

Mrs Griffiths Really?

Justin Yes, I think I'm right. I've seen one or two other chairs like it. I think I could get a good price for that in London. I'll offer you fifty pounds.

Mrs Griffiths Fifty! You must be mad, man!

Justin No, no. It's a fair price.

Mrs Griffiths Well, then, it's yours.

Justin There you are then, fifty pounds. Goodbye. Oh, by the way, that painting's in a nice frame.

Mrs Griffiths It's a nice picture, dear. Early nineteenth century, I've heard.

Justin Oh, no... no, it can't be. I've seen lots like it. It must be twentieth century. There's no market for them. Still, I could use the frame.

Mrs Griffiths All right. How much will you give me for it?

Justin Er... how about twenty pounds?

Mrs Griffiths Oh, no, dear. It must be worth more than that. It came from the big house on the hill.

Justin Did it? Let me have another look at it. Yes, the frame is really nice. I'll give you a hundred.

Mrs Griffiths Oh, dear, I don't know what to do. You see, I like that painting myself.

Justin All right, a hundred and twenty. That's my final offer.

Mrs Griffiths Shall we say... a hundred and fifty?

Justin OK. It's a deal.

Mrs Griffiths Shall I wrap it for you?

Justin No, no. I've got the van outside. It was nice doing business with you. Goodbye!

Mrs Griffiths Bye-bye, dear. Thank you.

Mrs Griffiths Owen?

Mr Griffiths Yes, my love?

Mrs Griffiths I've sold another of your imitation Constables. You'd better bring another one downstairs, if the paint's dry. The gentleman who bought it seemed very pleased with it.

A DAY OFF WORK

Bill Walker works for an import-export company. Last Wednesday morning Bill rang his office at nine o'clock. His boss, Mr Thompson, answered the phone.

Mr Thompson Hello, Thompson here...

Bill Hello. This is Bill Walker.

Mr. Thompson Oh, hello, Bill.

Bill I'm afraid I can't come to work today, Mr Thompson.

Mr Thompson Oh, what's the problem?

Bill I've got a very sore throat.

Mr Thompson Yes, you sound ill on the phone.

Bill Yes, I'll stay in bed today, but I'll be able to come tomorrow.

Mr Thompson That's all right, Bill. Stay in bed until you feel well enough to work.

Bill Thank you, Mr Thompson... Goodbye.

Mr Thompson Goodbye, Bill.

Mr. Thompson liked Bill very much. At 12.30 he got into his car, drove to a shop and bought some fruit for him. He went to Bill's flat and rang the doorbell. Bill's wife, Susan, answered the door.

Susan Oh, Mr. Thompson! Hello... how are you?

Mr Thompson Fine, thanks, Susan. I've just come to see Bill. How is he?

Susan He doesn't look very well. I wanted him to see the doctor.

Mr Thompson I'll go in and see him... Hello, Bill!

Bill Oh... hello... hello, Mr Thompson... er... er...

Mr Thompson I've bought some fruit for you, Bill.

Bill Thank you very much, Mr Thompson.

Mr Thompson Well... I had to pass your house anyway. How's your throat?

Bill It's seems a little better. I'll be O.K. tomorrow.

Mr Thompson Well, don't come in until you feel better.

Bill All right... but I'm sure I'll able to come in tomorrow.

Mr Thompson Goodbye, Bill.

Bill Goodbye, Mr Thompson.

At three o'clock in the afternoon, Mr Thompson locked his office door, and switched on his portable television. He wanted to watch an important international football match. It was England against Brazil. Both teams were playing well, but neither team could score a goal. The crowd were cheering and booing. It was very exciting.

Then at 3.20, England scored from a penalty. Mr Thompson jumped out of his chair. He was very excited. He was smiling happily when suddenly the cameraman focussed on the crowd. Mr Thompson's smile disappeared and he looked very angry. Bill Walker's face, in close-up, was there on the screen. He didn't look ill, and he didn't sound ill. He was smiling happily and cheering wildly!

APPLYING FOR A JOB

Interviewer Come in... come in. It's Mr Chandler, isn't it?

Mr Chandler Yes, that's right. How do you do?

Interviewer How do you do? Please take a seat.

Mr Chandler Thank you very much.

Interviewer Well, I've got your application from here. I just want to check the information... is that all right?

Mr Chandler Yes, of course.

Interviewer Now, you're 31, aren't you?

Mr Chandler Yes, I'm.

Interviewer ...and you aren't married, are you?

Mr Chandler No, I'm not... not yet.

Interviewer Uh, huh. You went to secondary school and technical college, didn't you?

Mr Chandler Yes, I did.

Interviewer ...but you didn't go to university, did you?

Mr Chandler No, I didn't. I started work when I was 20.

Interviewer I see. You can speak French and Russian, can't you?

Mr Chandler Yes, I can... but not fluently. I speak French better than Russian.

Interviewer ... but you can't speak Spanish, can you?

Mr Chandler No, no, I can't.

Interviewer You've been to France, haven't you?

Mr Chandler Yes, I have... and to Germany and Russia.

Interviewer So I see... but you haven't been to the Middle East, have you?

Mr Chandler No, I'm afraid I haven't, but I'd like to.

Interviewer Good.

Fill in the spaces

Interviewer Come in. Please sit down. It's Miss Wallace, . . .?

Miss Wallace Yes, that's right. Good afternoon.

Interviewer Good afternoon. Well, I've looked through your application. Can I just check the information?

Miss Wallace Of course.

Interviewer Now, you're 22, . . .?

Miss Wallace Yes, I am.

Interviewer You aren't married, . . .?

Miss Wallace No, I'm not, but I'm engaged.

Interviewer You didn't go to technical college or university, . . .?

Miss Wallace No, I didn't.

Interviewer But you learned to type at secondary school, . . .?

Miss Wallace Yes, I did.

Interviewer You can speak French and Italian, . . .?

Miss Wallace Yes, I can, but I can write them better than I can speak them.

Interviewer I see. You've been to Switzerland, . . .?

Miss Wallace Yes, I have. And Italy.

Interviewer And you can take shorthand, . . .?

Miss Wallace Yes, I studied it at school.

FOUR DISASTERS

Good evening. Our programme tonight is about disasters. This year there have been fires, plane crashes, earthquakes, and volcanic eruptions. All our guests tonight have survived disasters.

Hi! I'm Bill Daniels. I live in Chicago. I was working in my office on the 28th floor of a skyscraper. I was dictating some letters to my secretary when the fire-bell rang. I rushed out to the lift but it wasn't working. The stairs were full of thick smoke. We couldn't go down, so we had to go up to the roof. When we got there some people were waiting calmly. Others were shouting and screaming wildly. A helicopter managed to land on the roof and rescued six of us before the building collapsed.

My name's Martha Huggins. I was on holiday in the South Pacific and I was staying on Pogohiti, a small island. I was having a rest when the volcano erupted. The noise woke me up. I looked through the window. Everybody was running towards the harbour. I just put on a coat, and run to the harbour too. I managed to get on a ship. It was leaving when the lava hit the town.

Hello, I'm George Green. I'm a farmer. I working in the field behind my house when I saw the plane. It was on fire. Smoke was coming from the engines, and it was coming down fast. I was running towards my house when it crashed into the trees behind me. I heard a terrible explosion... when I woke up, I was lying in a hospital bed.

Good evening. My name's Michael Purt. My wife and I were staying with friends on Santa Monica in the Caribbean. We were having dinner when the earthquake began. Everything shook. All the plates and food fell onto the floor. We were picking everything up when the ceiling fell onto us. We couldn't move, and we had to wait for three hours before help arrived.

TRAVELLING BY AIR

A Can I check in here for the British Airways flight to New York?

B Yes, sir. May I see your ticket, and your passport?

A Here you are.

B That's fine. Can you put your suitcase on the scales, please?

A Of course. How much does it weight?

B 23 kilos. I'm sorry, but you'll have to pay an excess baggage charge.

A Oh! It's only three kilos overweight.

B Yes, sir... that's £6... Thank you. Would you like to go through to the departure lounge?

('British Airway Flight 179 to New York is now boarding at Gate 4');

A Excuse me...

C Yes?

A I didn't hear that announcement. Which flight did they call?

C Flight 179 to New York... are you going there?

A Yes.

C So am I... Gate 4's this way... follow me!

D May I search you, sir? It's just a security check.

A Of course.

D Thank you. Oh, what's this in your pocket?

A Oh, yes... I'm sorry. It's just a metal comb.

D Hmm... May I see it, sir?

A Certainly... here it is.

“Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen. Captain Gibson and his crew welcome you aboard British Airways Flight 179 to New York. We're now flying at a height of 30,000 feet. Our speed is approximately 600 miles an hour. We'll land in New York in five and a half hours. The temperature in New York is now minus 3°C. In a few minutes you'll be able to see the Irish Coast. Our stewards and stewardesses will serve lunch in half an hour.”

I'VE CUT MYSELF!

A Ow! This knife's sharp! I've cut myself.

B Let me see it... oh, it's O.K. You haven't cut yourself badly... it's only a scratch.

A But my finger's bleeding!

B Don't be a baby! It isn't bleeding much. I'll get a bandage.

C Did you see the play on television last night?

D No, I didn't. What was it?

C Romeo and Juliet. I cried.

D Cried? Why?

C Well, it was very sad. At the end, Romeo killed himself and then Juliet killed herself.

D It sounds silly to me! Why did they killed themselves?

C ... for love!

D Oh! They were silly, weren't they?

E Now, my guests tonight are the two rock musicians, Dean and Darren Osborne.

F Hello!

E Now, you both play the guitar very well. Did anyone teach you?

F No... we just bought some guitars and we taught ourselves.

E I see.

G Sorry, I'm late...

H Oh, that's all right, Mrs Green.

G It was our first wedding anniversary yesterday.

H Oh, congratulations!

G Thank you. We went to that new restaurant in the High Street.

H Did you enjoy yourselves?

G Oh yes, we had a very good time. We had two bottles of champagne!

I Have you seen my new electric cooker?

J No, I haven't.

I Oh, it's wonderful. It's got an automatic timer. It can switch itself on and off

CHOOSING A PET

Shop Assistant Good afternoon, madam. Can I help you?

Customer Yes, I'm looking for a pet for my son. Can you suggest anything?

Assistant What kind of pet does he want? A traditional pet... a cat... or a dog? Or something unusual?

Customer Well, he'd like a snake or crocodile, but he isn't going to get one.

Assistant We've got a nice Alsatian dog at the moment.

Customer An Alsatian? Did you say ‘an Alsatian’? Oh no. I've read about them in the paper. They're very big and savage.

Assistant Oh, no, madam. They aren't as savage as some dogs.

Customer Really?

Assistant Oh, yes. Last week we had a small dog. It was only as big as your handbag, but it was as savage as a tiger... it bit me three times!

Customer Perhaps not a dog, then.

Assistant How about a cat?

Customer A cat? Hmm... they aren't as friendly as dogs, are they?

Assistant No, but they don't eat as much as dogs either. And they're very clean. They wash themselves very day.

Customer Hmm...

Assistant Or how about a bird? A parrot or a budgie? We've got both.

Customer Which do you recommend?

Assistant Well, budgies aren't as easy to train and they never speak as well as parrots.

Customer Yes, but budgies don't need as much space as parrots, do they?

Assistant That's true. Budgies are very popular because they're so easy to keep.

Customer Yes... but they're a bit noisy, aren't they? I want a quiet pet.

Assistant A quiet pet? Well, how about a goldfish? There's nothing as quiet as a goldfish.

CHECKING AN ALIBI

Daily News

Wednesday, June 20th

£5,000 Bank robbery in the city.

There was a bank robbery in central London yesterday. Just before closing time yesterday, a robber entered the Butcher Street Branch of the National Westminster Bank. He was carrying a shotgun, and wearing a stocking mask over his head. There were only a few customers in the bank at the time. He made them lie on the floor, and forced the cashier to put the money in a sack. As he was leaving, the security guard tried to ring the alarm. The robber shot him and the guard is now in the St Patrick's Hospital. Surgeons are trying to save his life. Last night the police arrested a man in South London. He is now helping the police with their enquiries.

STATEMENT OF WITNESS

(C. J. Act 1967, ss. 2, 9; M.C. Rulers 1968, r.58)

STAEMENT OF ..John Alfred Smithers....................................

AGE:.. 36........ OCCUPATION: ..Car Salesman.......................

ADDRESS: ...Flat 4, Paradise Court, Ealing, London W5......

This statement (consisting of one page each signed by me), is true to the best of my knowledge and belief and I make it knowing that, if it is tendered in evidence, I shall be liable to prosecution if I have willfully stated in it anything which I know to be false or do not believe to be true.

On Tuesday afternoon I was at Ascot races with my girlfriend, Isadora Bell. We left my flat at 1 o'clock in my white Jaguar and drove to Ascot. We didn't stop for petrol but we had lunch in a pub. I don't remember the name of the pub, but it was somewhere between London and Ascot. We had beer and sandwiches outside. We arrived at the race-track at 1.55, in time for the first race. We stayed there until the last race at 5 o'clock. We were very lucky. I won a lot of money but I can't remember exactly how much. That's why I had a lot of money with me when the police came to my flat at 6.30. I left Isadora in Central London. She wanted to buy some clothes in Oxford Street. I don't know where she is now.

Signed John A. Smithers. Statement taken and

signature witnessed by D. Cooper

Rank and Number PC 3249

An interrogation...

Now, put in the correct question tags:

You're John Alfred Smithers, aren't you?

Police Constable You're John Alfred Smithers,...?

Smithers Yes, I am.

PC You're 36, ...?

S Yes, that's right. It was my birthday yesterday.

PC You sell cars, ...?

S Yes, I do. And other things.

PC You live in Ealing, ...?

S Yes, I do. I've lived here all my life.

PC You went to Ascot races yesterday, ....?

S That's right.

PC You weren't alone, ...?

S No, I wasn't. I was with Isadora Bell.

PC But you're married, ..., Smithers?

S Yes, but I haven't seen my wife for three years.

PC I see. Now you left your flat at one o'clock, ...?

S Yes. About one o'clock.

PC You were in your Jaguar, ...?

S Yes, I was.

PC You didn't stop for petrol, ...?

S No.

PC You had lunch in an Indian restaurant, ...?

S Oh, no we didn't. We had lunch in a pub.

PC You don't remember the name of the pub, ...?

S No, I'm afraid I don't.

PC You had chicken and chips, ...?

S No, no, no. We had beer and sandwiches outside.

PC You arrived in time for the first race, and stayed until the last race, ...?

S Yes!

PC You were very lucky, ...?

S Yes, I was.

PC You won £5,000, ...?

S No, I can't remember exactly how much.

PC There was £5,000 in your flat, ...?

S Was there?

PC You don't know where Miss Bell is now, ...?

S No, I'm not her husband, ...?

PC But you left her in Central London, because she wanted to buy some clothes.

S Yes, yes.

PC It's very interesting, ..., Mr. Smithers. You've got a very fast car, ...?

S What do you mean?

PC The last race at Ascot began late and it didn't finish until twenty-five past five, so you drove from Ascot to Central London and back to Ealing in 35 minutes, in the rush hour. That's impossible... Mr. Smithers!

DINNER WITH FRIENDS

Ken Hello!

Rob Hello, Ken... Hello, Barbara. Come in. Shall I take your coats?

Ken Oh, thank you very much. What a lovely house!

Rob I'm glad you like it. Dinner's nearly ready.

Ken Where's Anna?

Rob Oh, she's in the kitchen. She'll be here in a minute. Just go into the dinner-room. How about a drink before dinner?

Ken That's a nice idea!

Anna Here we are... dinner's ready. Sit down everybody!

Barbara Thank you very much, Anna. Everything looks wonderful, and it smells delicious, too.

Anna I'll put the salad in the middle of the table. Shall I serve you?

Barbara No, it's all right. We can help ourselves.

Anna Rob, could you pour the wine, please? Ken, help yourself to vegetables, too.

Rob Would you like some more brandy, Barbara?

Barbara Oh, no thanks... no more for me. I'm driving tonight.

Rob Oh, come on... just a small one.

Barbara No, really... I mustn't. I'll help Anna with the washing-up.

Rob The washing-up! No, no, don't worry. We always leave that until the morning.

Rob Here are your coats.

Ken Thanks... it's been a marvellous evening. It was very kind of you to invite us.

Rob Don't mention it... it was nice to see you again.

Ken Well, we enjoyed ourselves very much.

Rob I'm glad... you must come again.

Ken Goodnight... and thanks again.

Rob Goodnight... and drive carefully. It's a very wet night.

THE BAD BOY OF BRITISH FOOTBALL

Stanley Walsh, the Eastfield United football star, is in the news again. Yesterday he didn't arrive for a training session. Last night, Brian Huff, Eastfield's manager, was very angry. Stanley has had a lot of arguments with Huff. Huff spoke to our reporter last night.

R Where is Stanley, Mr Huff?

H We don't know.

R When did you last see him?

H We spoke to each other five days ago. I haven't see him since then.

R How angry are you?

H Very. This is the end. Stanley Walsh won't play for us again

R But Stanley's the best player in England, isn't he? Did he give a reason?

H No, he didn't.

R Has Stanley got any personal problems, Mr Huff?

H I don't know... but he's a very selfish man. He only thinks about himself.

Our reporter later spoke to Mrs Lucy Walsh in her £50,000 apartment.

R Where is Stanley, Mrs Walsh?

L I don't know and I don't care.

R When did you last see him?

L We haven't seen each other for two weeks.

R Have you spoken to each other... or written to each other recently?

L No. We never want to see each other again.

R But why, Mrs Walsh?

L Ask Stanley!

Our reporter found Stanley at his villa in Spain. He was with Inger Carlson, the Swedish actress. He seemed very happy.

R How long have you know each other, Stanley?

S We met each other in a disco three weeks ago. It was love at first sight.

R But what about your football?

S Oh, football can wait. Inger's the most important thing in my life. We love each other very much and we understand each other.

R And you wife, Stanley? What about your wife?

S Oh, that finished a long time ago.

R What happened?

S Well, I was in love with Lucy for a long time. We taught each other a lot, but...

R But what?

S Well, we started to hate each other. We couldn't even look at each other.

R So, what are you going to do next?

S I don't know... Ask Inger!

SO AM I!

A I'm on holiday next month.

B So am I.

A I need a change.

B Oh, so do I. I'm tired of the same office and the same people every day!

A Where are you going?

B Spain.

A Oh, I went there last year.

B So did I. We always go to Spain... but we never go to the Costa Barva.

A No, neither do I. There are too many English people there.

B Where exactly are you going?

A San Pedro... it's little village on the north coast.

B You're joking!

A No, I'm not. I've been there three times.

B So have we... and we're going there this year, too.

A ...not to the Hotel del Sol?

B Yes... why?

A Well, I'll see you. I'm staying there too!

1.A I'm happy.

B So am I.

A I'm not crazy.

B Neither am I.

2.A I'm not a student.

B I am.

A I'm a teacher.

B I'm not.

3.A I've got a book.

B So have I.

A I haven't got a Rolls-Royce.

B Neither have I.

4.A I haven't got any money.

B I have.

A I've got an electronic watch.

B I haven't.

5.A I like music.

B So do I.

A I don't like snakes.

B Neither do I.

6. A I don't eat meat.

B I do.

A I come to school on Sundays.

B I don't.

7. A I was here last week.

B So was I.

A I wasn't late this morning.

B Neither was I.

8.A I wasn't at home yesterday evening.

B I was.

A I was at the cinema last night.

B I wasn't.

9.A I studied mathematics at school.

B So did I.

A I didn't go to the cinema last night.

B Neither did I.

10.A I didn't play sports at school.

B I did.

A I had wine with dinner last night.

B I didn't.

A FAMILY PROBLEM

Flat 4185 Kings Road

Chelsea London S.W.3

5th May 1979Dear Daddy,

Thank you very much for the birthday present. I was very pleased with the Ferrari, but I didn't like the colour, so I'm going to change it.

I saw Tom again yesterday. You're worried about him, aren't you? Well, don't worry about him. He's all right. He's very good at his job... he's a drummer in a pop group. I'm going to bring him for dinner next weekend, so you can meet him.

Love, Samantha P.S. We love each other very much. He isn't interested in your money.

 Worth House,Mansford, Hampshire.15th May 1979Dear Samantha,

I'm sorry about last weekend. I was very angry with Tom, but he was very rude to me. I'm not a stupid old fool. I'm tired of long-haired young men! He didn't even dress for dinner! You love him, I know.

I just feel sorry for you, and I'm worried about your future. Tom likes pop music. He isn't interested in anything else. He isn't interested in you at all. You're making a terrible mistake. And I'm glad he isn't interested in my money, because he isn't going to get any.

Love,

THE YES/ NO CONTEST

Good evening! I'm Martin Smiles. Well come to the ‘Yes/No Contest’. Now, the rules are very simple. I'm going to ask question for 30 seconds. You mustn't answer with ‘Yes’ or ‘No’, and you mustn't nod or shake your head. Well, here's our first contestant... Mrs Alice Leach from Nottingham.

Smiles What's your name?

Mrs Leach Alice... Alice Leach.

Smiles Where are you from, Alice?

Mrs Leach Nottingham.

Smiles Did you say ‘Birmingham’?

Mrs Leach No, Notting... (dong).

Smiles Oh, dear. I'm sorry, Mrs Leach. Now our next contestant is Ralph Milton, from Blackpool. It's Mr Milton, isn't it?

Milton That's right.

Smiles Good... you aren't nervous, are you?

Milton I'm not nervous.

Smiles Did you shake your head?

Milton I didn't.

Smiles Are you sure?

Milton Yes... (dong)

Smiles Oh... I'm dreadfully sorry. Better luck next time, Mr Milton. Now, here's our third contestant. It's Brian Tankard from Bristol. Hello, Brian.

Brian Hello.

Smiles You work in a bank, don't you?

Brian That's correct.

Smiles Do you like your job?

Brian I enjoy it very much.

Smiles Oh, do you?

Brian I said ‘I enjoy it very much.’

Smiles Now, you aren't married, are you?

Brian I'm married.

Smiles Is your wife here tonight?

Brian She's at home.

Smiles So she isn't here.

Brian Of course not.

Smiles Have you got any children?

Brian I have got two children.

Smiles Two boys?

Brian A boy and a girl.

Smiles and... (ding). That's 30 seconds. Well done! You've done it! Isn't that wonderful, everybody? He's won tonight's star prize... a brand new fully automatic dishwasher!

I USED TO...

A Tom! You never talk to me nowadays.

B What did you say?

A ... and you never listen to me, either.

B Pardon?

A You used to take me out, you used to buy me presents, and you used to remember my birthday.

B But I always remember your birthday, darling.

A Do you? Well, it was yesterday! I'm going home to mother!

C Dorchester 17908...

D Hello, Angela?

C Oh, hello, Mum.

D How's the baby today?

C Oh, he's crying again. He cries all day.

D You can't complain! When you were a baby, you used to cry all day and all night!

C Oh, I know, Mum... but I feel so tired... there's so much house work.

D But you've got a washing machine, a tumble dryer, a vacuum-cleaner and a dishwasher... I used to do everything by hand.

C I know, I know... I've hear all this before!

D I'm sorry, dear... I'll come and help you.

E Stanley, you used to be the best footballer in England. Are you going to come back and play again?

F Oh, no... no, I'm not.

E Why not?

F Well, football used to be the most important thing in my life... but it isn't any more. For ten years I used to practise every day. I never used to smoke, drink, or stay up late.

E Why has your life changed, Stanley?

F Well, I was poor then, but I'm not now. I don't need to play football any more!

G Dad?

H Yes...

G There's a good film on in town.

H Oh, yes... what is it?

G War in Space.

H Are you going to see it?

G I'd like to... all my friends are going... but I haven't got any money.

H All right, all right. How much do you want?

G Three pounds.

H Three pounds! When I was your age, I only used to pay five pence for the cinema.

G That was a long time ago, Dad.

H Yes, but my father used to earn three pounds for a week's work!

A BUSY OFFICE

Mr Power Yes, Miss Wright? What is it?

Miss Wright Mr Hudson wants to speak to you, sir.

Mr Power I'm very busy at the moment. Ask him to ring later.

Miss Wright Oh, yes, sir.

Mr Power Oh, and Miss Wright? Tell Chris to photocopy the Director's report.

Miss Wright Yes, sir. Anything else, sir?

Mr Power Yes. Tell Miss Davis not to ring her boyfriend on the office phone.

Miss Wright Yes, sir.

Miss Wright Hello? This is Mr Power's secretary...

Mr Hudson Yes... Hudson here.

Miss Wright I'm afraid Mr Power's busy at the moment. Can you ring later?

Mr Hudson All right... What about this afternoon?

Miss Wright Yes, that'll be all right.

Miss Wright Oh, Chris?

Chris Yes, Miss Wright?

Miss Wright Mr Power wants you to photocopy this report.

Chris Oh, yes... I'll do it later.

Miss Wright No, Chris... do it now... I know it's important.

Miss Wright Miss Davis! Did you ring your boyfriend on the office phone yesterday?

Miss Davis Well, yes... I did... but it was urgent.

Miss Wright Hmm... I think Mr Power heard you. He wasn't very pleased about it. Don't used the office phone for personal calls.

Miss Davis No... no, Miss Wright... I won't do it again... I'm sorry.

Mr Power Miss Wright? Did you speak to Mr. Hudson?

Miss Wright Yes, I did. I asked him to ring later. He says he'll ring you this afternoon.

Mr Power That's fine. Has Chris photocopied that report yet?

Miss Wright Not yet... but I told him to do immediately. I think he's doing it now.

Mr Power Good. Did you tell Miss Davis not to ring her boyfriend from here?

Miss Wright Oh, yes... I told her not to used the office phone for personal calls... she says she won't do it again. I'm sure she won't.

Mr Power I hope she won't... her boyfriend lives in Australia!

THE SMUGGLER

Sam Lewis was a customs officer. He used to work in a small border town. It wasn't a busy town and there wasn't much work. The road was usually very quiet and there weren't many travelers. It wasn't a very interesting job, but Sam liked an easy life. About once a week, he used to meet an old man. His name was Draper. He always used to arrive at the border early in the morning in a big truck. The truck was always empty. After a while Sam became suspicious. He often used to search the truck, but he never found anything. One day he asked Draper about his job. Draper laughed and said, “I'm a smuggler.”

Last year Sam retired. He spent his savings on an expensive holiday. He flew to Bermuda, and stayed in a luxury hotel. One day, he was siting by the pool and opposite him he saw Draper drinking champagne. Sam walked over to him.

Sam Hello, there!

Draper Hi!

Sam Do you remember me?

Draper Yes.. of course I do. You're a customs officer.

Sam I used to be, but I'm not any more. I retired last month. I often used to search you truck...

Draper ...but you never found anything!

Sam No, didn't. Can I ask you something?

Draper Of course you can.

Sam Were you a smuggler?

Draper Of course I was.

Sam But... the truck was always empty. What were you smuggling?

Draper Trucks!

I'M BORED

Jim I'm bored.

Jean Well... do something interesting.

Jim What, for example?

Jean Go to the cinema.

Jim The cinema bores me.

Jean Always?

Jim Yes. All the films are so boring. I'm not interested in sex and violence.

Jean Well, what interests you then?

Jim Nothing!

Jean You need some fresh air!

Helen Have you heard the news, Bill?

Bill No, why?

Helen A war has just started in Mandanga.

Bill Mandanga? Where's that?

Helen I don't know exactly... but it's worrying. They showed a television report last night.

Bill Well, I'm not worried about it. I never watch the news these days. I prefer sports programmes.

Helen Why aren't you interested in the news?

Bill Well, all the news is bad. I just want entertainment in the evenings.

Peter What are you doing tonight, Mike?

Mike I'm staying in. There's a good horror film on the 'telly'.

Peter What is it ?

Mike The blood of Frankenstein.

Peter Oh, that sounds frightening.

Mike Not really... I think horror films are amusing.

Peter Amusing? Horror films?

Mike Yes. I went with Anne to see Dracula last week. I was very amused. I laughed from beginning to end.

Peter What about Anne?

Mike Oh, she was terrified. She was under the seat.

Nick Did you go to the football match on Saturday?

Ben Yes, I did.

Nick It was very exciting, wasn't it?

Ben Yes, it was. Both teams attacked.

Nick Yes. 1-0... 1-1... 2-1... 2-2... 2-3... 3-3...

Ben My brother was so excited near the end that he threw his hat in the air when Manchester scored their fourth goal.

Nick Did he find his hat?

Ben Yes, but it was a bit embarrassing. He had to ask a policeman for it.

ADVICE

Andrea What's the matter, Jenny? You look worried.

Jenny Yes... I'm trying to lose weight.

Andrea Oh, you don't need to lose weight.

Jenny Oh, I do! I've just bought some new jeans and I can get them on. They're too tight.

Andrea Well, you should go on a diet.

Jenny I know, but what kind of diet?

Andrea You should eat lots of salad and fruit.

Jenny Yes, but I don't like salad... I prefer meat.

Andrea Well, you can eat meat, but you shouldn't eat too much. You shouldn't eat bread or potatoes, either.

Jenny What about alcohol? Can I drink wine?

Andrea Oh, no, you should never drink alcohol.

Max What's the mater, Peter? You don't look very happy.

Peter I'm not. I'm worried about my English.

Max What's the problem?

Peter I'm not practising enough.

Max Why not?

Peter Well, it's difficult to meet English people.

Max You should go out more.

Peter Where should I go?

Max You should go to pubs, you should join a club.

Peter But... English people never speak to me.

Max Ah! You should speak first.

Peter What I can talk about?

Max The weather! English people are always interested in the weather!

Wendy Hello, Charles... you look tired today.

Charles Yes, I'm working too hard.

Wendy You should take a holiday.

Charles Yes, I know I should... but we're just too busy. I'm working twelve hours a day.

Wendy Twelve hours! You're going to kill yourself!

Charles Well, what I can do?

Wendy Perhaps you should change your job.

Charles I can't... I need the money!

AN EVENING OUT

Steve Shall we go out tonight?

Carol O.K. Let's go to a restaurant.

Steve Which one?

Carol How about “The Flamenco”?

Steve “The Flamenco”? Which one's that?

Carol Don't you remember? That's the one that serves sea-food...

Steve Oh, yes!

Carol Look over there!

Steve Where?

Carol In the corner... it's Jack West, isn't it?

Steve Where? I can't see him...

Carol There! He's the one that's wearing a black suit.

Steve Oh! The one that's talking so loudly... what about him?

Carol He used to be at college with us. He was the only one that didn't pass the exams.

Steve Hmm, he looks very successful. What does he do now?

Carol Nothing. He doesn't have to work.

Steve Why not?

Carol Well, you remember, don't you? He married Patty Hetty.

Steve Patty Hetty?

Carol Yes, the girl that inherited a fortune. Her father was millionaire.

Steve Ah, yes... isn't she the one that killed herself?

Carol That's right... and he got all the money!

I'VE BEEN WAITING...

Chris Hello, Miss Wright. Is the boss in?

Miss Wright Yes, Chris, he is. He's in his office... and he's waiting for you.

Chris Oh... what time did he arrive?

Miss Wright He arrived at twenty to ten.

Chris Twenty to ten! So he's been waiting for twenty minutes!

Diane Hello, Judy. You've been sitting here for an hour! Where's your husband?

Judy Oh, he's dancing with Mrs Winston.

Diane Oh, yes... he's dancing very well. Has he been dancing all evening?

Judy Yes, he has... but he hasn't been dancing with me!

Mrs Baker Hello, Mrs Parker... are you waiting to see Doctor Savage?

Mrs Parker Hello, Mrs Baker. Yes, I am.

Mrs Baker How long have you been waiting?

Mrs Parker I've been waiting since nine o'clock.

Mrs Baker Ah, so you haven't been waiting long. It's only ten past nine now.

Mrs Parker No, no, I haven't. I've been reading this magazine. It's very interesting. There's an article about operations.

Pam Eric! Call waiter again!

Eric I've been trying to call him.

Pam Eric! We've been sitting here for twenty minutes... and I'm not going to wait any longer!

Eric I'm sorry, dear... but he's talking to that girl.

Pam Yes, he's been talking to her since we came in.

Eric Waiter!

Waiter Yes, sir... Do you want the bill?

Eric The bill! We haven't seen the menu yet.

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