V A N

The last almost-five years were dreading.

Liv's absence was killing me inside. Needles pricked my heart each day; the empty four-sided room I was stuck in reminded me she was no longer by my side. It was like the year 2021 all over again where I have to endure the pain of her not being here.

Her graduation was the hardest for me. Kinailangan kong pumunta rin dahil, syempre, graduation ng kapatid ko 'yon. Hindi maiiwasang magkita kami dahil matalik na kaibigan ni Adi si Liv. I needed to distance myself whenever she would get near me and pretend she wasn't there. Like I never knew her at all.

When it was her turn to get her diploma, I noticed her eyes scanning through the crowd. It was impossible to find me among the thousands of people gathered at the venue.

But she did.

Sa lahat ng mga matang nakatingin sa kanya, sa akin lamang siya nakatitig. At that time, I had to fight the urge to stand up from my seat, go up the stage and hug her right there and then. It was appropriate not only given from the event but also because I was restricted. We were restricted.

Instead, I gave her a small smile. A smile that tells her how proud I was of her achievements, her improvements, and the woman she became.

It wasn't a smile that expressed a thousand words.

It was a smile whose meaning couldn't be expressed by a thousand words. It went beyond that.

That moment made me reminisce of the times we would pass by each other in the halls of our school. Hindi naging maling desisyon ang pag-enroll ko sa kanilang eskwela ngunit aaminin kong naging mahirap para sa 'king makita siya matapos ang nangyari.

Stolen glances. Subtle brush of our fingers. Yearning look. It was a cycle of those three until she graduated and changed schools.

Ngunit kahit gano'n ang naging set-up namin sa kanilang graduation ay hindi ko kinalimutang bigyan siya ng assurance na siya pa rin ang mahal ko. I asked Adi to give her something. Of course, Tita Celeste knew this. In fact, tinulungan pa niya akong bigyan ng idea kung anong magandang gift na ibigay sa kanya. She said Liv loved the pictures I took and my handwritten letters kaya 'yon ang binigay ko. She believed that it would gladden her if I replace the one's she burned the day we broke up. It was a mistake of hers she deeply regretted.

Pinangako ni Tita Celeste na 'yon na ang huling balakid na hahadlang sa 'min. It felt genuine. Real. Because Tita was also owning up to her mistakes back then. I never asked her to give me updates on how Liv was doing, but it took me by surprise when she would send me texts about Liv every week. Sometimes, it would be every other day. May oras ngang araw-araw niya akong binabalitaan. Alam niyang hindi ko makausap si Liv dahil masisira ang pinagkasunduan namin kaya 'yon ang naisip niyang gawin kapalit. I really appreciated her efforts for that. It made everything bearable knowing Liv was doing okay.

Despite that, our situation made me become better. Love was supposed to make you strong, but during the first months after that, it made me weak. I disliked it. I once thought it would be impossible to survive med school without Liv. I knew it was wrong to depend my happiness solely on one person alone. There were more things to life than that. Besides, true happiness can only come from within you. Not from others. I knew that well enough that it was stuck in my head as I chanted them whenever I became needy. But I couldn't just shake the feeling and the fact that my life is better with her.

Hindi ko rin nagustuhan na may oras na nahuhuli ako sa klase dahil sa nangyari sa 'ming dalawa. I didn't want to disappoint myself, Liv, and my family. I wouldn't consider that incident as a feeble thing, but it made me realize it was unreasonable for me to fall behind just because I was broken.

I put some sense in my mind after I worked that out. I knew I could wait. I was confident I could. So why was I acting as if I would never see her again? That's a question I couldn't answer myself either.

"Aren't you going to drink?" Gab asked as he offered a red cup filled with a cocktail.

It was the night of our party after our graduation ball had commenced. We were at Arsenal, the club Adi and her friends liked to go to. I didn't really get how they loved the place but after going there a few times, I knew why. They serve great drinks and played good music. It was a total vibe.

"I'm going past my limit if I drink more. Kayo na lang umubos. Ayaw ko na," sagot ko nang tanggihin ko ang alok niyang alak. I needed to stay sober anyway. Alam kong magpapakalasing 'tong si Gab kaya ako na naman ang magiging driver nito.

"Okay. Sabi mo yan," aniya sabay nag-chug sa hawak niyang baso. My face winced in discomfort when he did that. How could people chug a cup full of cocktail? I knew it had some fruity taste in it but in the drink we had, the alcohol was strong.

I spent the rest of the night talking to some of my block mates. Med school wouldn't be easy if you were alone so I made sure I socialized with others, even if it tired me out. I was glad I did, nevertheless. The people I met were for keeps.

No'ng lumalim na ang gabi'y mas lalong lumakas ang tugtugan sa loob ng club. Mas lalo ring dumami ang nagsisiyawan sa dance floor. 

Namataan kong may papalapit na babae sa table namin. May mga tao sa kanyang likod na nakangisi't nagbubulungan. It was probably her friends. I didn't bother looking at her as it wasn't any of my business, anyway. I wasn't interested din. But my eyes were forced to look at her when she went near me. Nasa may dulo ako ng table namin kaya't madali niyang natapik  ang aking balikat. She tried to whisper something in my ear but as soon as she leaned her head forward, I quickly scooted to my side. 

"The fuck are you doing?" mariin kong pagtanong. Is she in her right mind?

"Chill out, babes. I was just about to ask you for your number," she answered, batting her eyes at me. Sa kakagano'n niya ay parang mahuhulog na ang kanyang fake eyelashes sa kanyang mga mata. 

"I'm taken." Technically, I wasn't. But labels didn't matter. My heart only belongs to one person alone. "Go away. You're wasting my time."

"And? Ano naman kung taken ka?" Sa kanyang pagsagot ay biglang tumayo si Gab sa kanyang inuupuan. Naglakad siya patungo sa 'kin, pilit na sinusubukang maglakad ng deretso. He was drunk already, I knew it from the way he was approaching the girl. 

"Excuse me, woman." Tinuro niya ito at nagpatuloy. "Taken na kaibigan ko, ha. Go find someone else. Chupe!" 

Nang umalis siya ay nagsitawanan ang mga tao sa table namin. Gab's action was too sudden and out of character; it was amusing to see. Claire, his girlfriend, called for him to go back to his seat to sober up. Just like a puppy seeing his owner for the first time, he hopped back. 

The night was still young for others but it wasn't for me. Hindi na rin kinaya ni Gab kaya hinatid ko na silang dalawa ni Claire sa kanilang condo. 

"I'll take it from here. Thank you for the ride, Van." Claire bid me goodbye before I started driving to my new condo. Ngunit no'ng malapit na ako, naisipan kong huminto muna sa 7/11 na malapit sa 'kin para bumili ng iilang can ng beer. I couldn't drink to my heart's content at the club so I decided to continue drinking a few inside. 

Umalis agad ako dahil baka kung ano pang mabili ko. Hindi na ako nag-abala pang magpalit ng damit. Nilapag ko ang paper bag sa lamesa at hinayaang mahulog ang aking katawan sa sofa. It was a tiring night. Naubos rin ang aking social battery kakasalamuha sa 'king mga kaklase at kaibigan. Kahit hindi ko hilig, alam kong ngayon na lang kami uli magkikita nang buo. Sunod nito'y magsasarili na kami ng landas. That was why I savored the moment with them. You never know when it will happen again. 

I opened the first can of beer and reminisced about how my year had been. It was fulfilling, to say at least. I never would've thought that I'd graduate with Latin honors again, just like I did in college. Med school really drained the soul out of me. Graduating magna cum laude once more was beyond my expectations. Heck, I never even expected it. 

No'ng malaman kong isa ako sa mga candidate para sa magna cum laude ay pilit kong pinipigilan ang sarili kong tawagan si Liv at sabihin sa kanya 'yon. I would've loved to celebrate this milestone with her. She influenced me in many ways possible. In ways she couldn't imagine. 

Hindi ko na namalayang si Liv na lang laman ng isip ko habang umiinom. Hindi ko na rin namalayan na nasa pang-apat na lata ng beer na ako. I started to feel light-headed, as if my world was slowly spinning in circles. Napapasobra na yata. 

Before going to bed, I got my phone and recorded another voice message. It was my way of talking to Liv. Even if I wouldn't receive any answers. Even if she wouldn't hear my messages.

I began to speak.

"Day...I lost count already, my love. It had been that long, I guess. It has already been 3? Or 4 years since I last saw you. Since I last talked to you. Not a day goes by that I don't miss your presence. Your warmth. Your voice that used to lull me to sleep. Alam kong isang taon na lang, magkikita na uli tayo. But it's that time again. God, I want to see you. Memories aren't enough to relive the moments we were together. Every day felt...excruciating."

I sighed, deeply. Paulit-ulit lang ang sinasabi ko sa kanya sa voice record na 'yon. I don't know how many times I repeated that I miss her, that I long for her. Para ngang iisa lang ang content ng mga voice messages ko kaya iniba ko ang topic. I told her how I spent my day today, how fun the graduation ball was, and the incident in the club. 

It was how I coped up these past few years. Recording every day and telling her how my day had been. How I felt each day without her.

Until the year of her graduation from med school came.

It was morning when my phone suddenly buzzed. It was just a notification so I ignored it and went back to sleep, not knowing it would later turn into a call. As I saw who the caller was, I immediately answered.

"What took you so long to answer," Tita Celeste's voice rang in my ear. 

"Oh, I was asleep po. Napatawag po kayo?"

"It's Liv's graduation this coming June 10. We will throw a party after, so you have to be there. I'll send you the details."

Shit. Shit. Shit.

Napaupo ako. Is this finally happening? Makikita ko na si Liv? 

Napansin yata ni Tita na natahimik ako sa kanyang sagot. "Oh? Hindi ka na makasagot diyan. Alam kong excited ka na, but don't let her know yet."

"Will do po." 

"Nga pala, you have to go first sa party. 'Wag kayong sabay ng kapatid mo. We'll have to hide you first. Knowing Liv, she likes to go to the venue early," huli niyang paalala bago ihinto ang tawag. 

It was only three days until June 10. Those three days, I spent thinking of what could happen on that day. Ano kayang magiging reaksyon niya kung makita niya ako? Does she looks the same? Sound the same? It had been so long, I was afraid I was starting to forget what her gentle voice sounded like. 

We both knew that after she graduated med school, we could be together again. Was she as overly excited as me? 

Luckily, time went by faster than I thought. Pinapunta na ako sa hotel na sinend sa 'kin ni Tita no'ng isang araw. Ayon sa kanya, magsisimula na ang programa. Nagbago ang unang planong paunahin ako dahil mas napaaga ang dating ni Liv sa hotel. Wala kaming matinong tiyempo para makapasok ako nang palihim dahil palibot-libot siya sa lugar, sinisiguradong ayos ang lahat. 

My phone buzzed. Kinuha ko ang phone ko sa 'king bulsa at tiningnan ang notification na lumabas sa screen. It was from Tita Celeste

Where are you?

I was driving to the hotel. In fact, I was running late. Ang usapan ay bago mag ala-syete ng gabi ay naroon na ako, ngunit 7:15 na ng gabi ay wala pa rin ako. Habang nakatigil ang kotse dahil sa traffic ay sinagot ko ang tanong ni Tita.

On the way na po. Traffic po eh.

She seemed unpleased by my answer when she told me to arrive there faster. She probably didn't like having the plan ruined because of my unpunctuality. The traffic made me heave out a sigh. I should've left the condo earlier. 

It was 30 minutes past 7 when I got to the venue. Buti na lang at nagsimula na ang programa sa loob kaya nama'y 'di na ako mag-aalala kung makita man ako ni Liv. Nasa loob na silang lahat at tanging mga staff ng hotel lamang ang nasa labas. 

Sinubukan kong tawagan si Kuya Miles. As per Tita, Kuya would lead me to a room where I have to wait until a cue was given to me when I'll be able to go out. 

Hinintay ko ng ilang minuto si Kuya sa loob ng lobby. Nang makita ko na siya ay agad niya akong pinunta sa kwarto kung saan ako maghihintay. It looked like a dressing room. May TV na nakadikit sa dingding. Roon, naka-play ang kaganapan sa loob ng hall. Tita was having a speech dedicated to Liv. The camera panned to her as it captured her reaction. 

God, she looked beautiful.  

It's been a while since I last saw her face. Her beauty does transcends over time and space; it  took my breath every single time. I couldn't believe I would see her in person minutes from now.

People gave their heartfelt speeches one by one, including her friends. Adi was there as well, even her boyfriend, Kino. I was informed that after him, my video greeting would be played. It was put at the end of  the segment. We made it looked like I couldn't go. 

I wasn't the type to watch myself in a video. I couldn't even listen to my own voice in a recording. But at that moment, I was focused. Not with what I was saying, but because the camera shot both of my video and Liv. 

She had her mouth slightly opened, eyes glistening as if on the verge of crying. I wondered what was she thinking while watching the video. I wondered what reaction she would make if she realizes I was actually here. If my video was enough to make her tear up, what more if she saw me? 

No'ng patapos na ang aking video ay saka mya kumatok sa kwarto. Binungad ako ng mukha ni Kuya Miles pagkabukas ko ng pinto, sinasabing kailangan ko ng lumabas dahil malapit na ang surprise. He led me to a hallway, leading to the main hall. The more we get closer, the more my heart pounded. To say I was nervous was an understatement. 

"Nervous?" Tanong ni Kuya Miles sa 'king tabi. Pinapaligiran kami ng mga boses na umaalingawngaw mula sa main hall. "You looked like you're going to propose." He chuckled. "Relax ka lang."

I took a deep breath. Kuya Miles was right. I shouldn't be tense. 

"Your graduation marks a celebration, Liv! Ngayon, anong gusto mong graduation gift? Madam Celeste at Madam Giovann, baka naman!" the emcee joked. The crowd laughed but went silent after Liv started to speak.

"As cliche as it may sound, I just wish for everyone's happiness in this room. I couldn't thank all of you enough. Most of you here helped me through med school, and I wouldn't be here without you all." People clapped and cheered. Even when given the opportunity to have something, Liv still thought of the people around her. 

"And siguro..." She paused for a while. She looked hesitant at first but decided to continue. "You all saw the man who did a video greeting of me. He is...not just a friend of mine. He's someone more than that. He's the man who changed me for the better. As you all know, I was that little flimsy girl that know nothing about reality. But he taught me things on how to get through this harsh world. He's--" Napatigil siya. She gulped the lump forming in her throat.

"He's the love of my life. And...it's been a while since I last saw him. It's been years already. So siguro if I were asked again, that would be it. To see him." 

Nanghina ako. So, she was feeling the same. It was okay for me to be in pain as I long for her but I couldn't bear it when it was her, feeling the same pain because of my absence. Parang dumoble ang sakit. She could barely get through of saying her wish because of the tears swelling in her eyes. 

"Well, parang may matutupad yatang wish mo ngayong gabi ah!" the emcee announced. Liv looked perplexed as the woman said that. 

"That's your cue," Kuya Miles informed. He handed me a bouquet that I would give to Liv. "Have fun," huling pagbati niya no'ng kinuha ko ang mga bulaklak sa kanyang kamay. 

As I exited, the spotlight turned to me. I could feel everyone's eyes on me. Even Adi and Kino. They were focused on what was happening, watching as their lips form a smirk.

Everything seemed to slow down as I make my way near Liv, who still refused to turn her back. Hindi yata makapaniwala sa nangyayari. With my hand holding the bouquet, my free hand traveled to her shoulders, tapping it. I leaned forward to her ear, whispering. 

"Look at me, my love."

Her body froze from my voice. Dropping all the bouquet she received from other guests, she turned her back to face me.

"V-van?" She reached my cheeks to cup it. "Y-you...A-are you real? I-I'm not dreaming, am I? Tell me it's you right here. Tell me you're real," she begged. 

My free hand squeezed the back of her hand that was holding my right cheek.

"I'm real, Liv. This is not a dream. I-"

Hindi ko na natapos ang aking sasabihin. I just felt her pull my face as she found my lips. Everything in me was clouded: my mind, my heart, everything. My heart felt full; I couldn't breathe. Hindi ko naramdamang may tao sa paligid namin. It was as if it was just us in that big hall. 

I was resisting the urge to pull her closer by her waist and deepen the kiss, but it would be inappropriate for the event. We pulled away, her breath was hot as it brushes against my skin. I wiped away the tear that had dried up on her cheek. Having her in front of me seemed unreal. Parang lahat ng 'to ay panaginip lamang. I had been longing for this moment to come, and now that it's here, I couldn't help but be teary-eyed.

The program ended with the surprise. It was time for dinner but Liv and I had other plans to do. She wasn't that hungry, and so was I. We went to meet Tita Celeste, who had finally given our blessing, and asked permission if we could have some time alone. We had five years worth of catching up. 

"I can't believe you're actually here," Liv softly mumbled. She was seated in front of me, facing the shore as my hands rested on both sides of her waist.

We were at beach that witnessed every point of our relationship: our first escape, the time I was unknowingly developing feelings for her, the time I professed my love, and now. This. 

The final point. 

Wrapping my arm around her shoulders, I answered in whisper. "Feels like a dream, isn't it?" As I nestled my face on the side of her neck, I planted soft kisses.

"I won't ever let go of you this time around, my love. Kahit anong mangyari. Ikaw at ikaw lang ang mahal ko."

We were walking on a river, its stream guiding us. A river so endless, so unceasing; it continues to flow and never returns again.

Just like time.

Our story was like a stream of endless river. No matter how much I wish it would flow back and change a certain point in our lives, it would be impossible. Because once it's gone, it's gone. All we could do was face the current ahead of us.

It's funny how the passing of time used to scare me a lot. But now, at this moment, all I wish is that it moves forward as I already have my love.

My everything.

Right here.

In my arms.

Dumating na rin ang gabing walang pipigil sa 'min.

END