L I V

If only I could exceed the speed limit, I would have done it earlier. Panic rushed through my blood when I received a message from Mother that Grandma had an attack again. I was still hoping that somehow Grandma's condition would improve as days passed by, but it only left me dismayed. The treatments she had was doing her more harm than good. 

Fortunately, it didn't take me long to reach Bataan. Ang bilin din sa 'kin ay dumiretso na roon para hindi sayang sa oras. Nakaalis na rin sina Ate kaya wala na rin akong pupuntahan doon. As soon as I arrived, I dashed inside; the first thing I did was search for Grandma.

One of our maids, Ate Kaya, led me to her room when I asked where she was. Hindi ko na siya nabigyan ng matinong pasasalamat dahil dali-dali kong binuksan ang pinto ng kanyang kwarto. Roon ko lang din naalalang hindi ako nakakatok bago pumasok; ayaw pa naman ni Mom ng gano'n.

Pagkarating ko sa loob ay naroon na silang lahat. Grandma was unconscious; how I wish she was only sleeping. Mother was sitting beside the bed, holding her hand with the other being held by Ate as she sat on the opposite side. When I asked where Kuya Miles was, Ate said he had some business to do. Pero palagay ko'y binigyan lang kami ng privacy para makapag-usap. 

"How is she? Ano raw sabi ng doktor?" sunod kong pagtanong habang umupo sa tabi ni Mom. Nang tumingin siya sa 'kin, batid ko sa kanyang mukha ang pagod at kakulangan sa tulog dahil sa pag-aalala. It hurts to see Mother like this. As far as I remember, Grandma was the only parent Mother had ever since she was young. Matagal nang sumalangit ang lolo ko kaya hindi ko na rin naabutan. 

"She's resting," she answered, still looking down at their clasped hands. Mother's voice was hoarse as if it pains her to talk. "Baka maya maya gumising siya uli." 

Baka.

The uncertainty in Mother's response made me worry a lot more than I was before. Hindi ko mapigilang mag-isip ng kung ano-ano, ngunit alam kong hindi 'to nakakatulong. I know if Grandma could see us today, she'd tell us to be strong. So that's what I was going to do. 

I'm going to be strong for you, Grandma.

While letting Grandma rest, we each minded our own businesses. They probably wanted to be left alone, and I respected that. Mother spent her time in the music room she used to stay in as per Grandma. Although, I didn't hear any music playing. As for Ate, she was accompanied by Kuya Miles. They went for a walk, one of the things Ate liked to do when stressed.

As for me, I keep myself busy talking to Van. I was seated by the backyard, on a voice call with him. It was the evening of Friday and Van had classes. I didn't want to bother him even when he told me went home and had nothing to do. Of course, I knew he was tired. Being in med school wasn't easy. Even so, he insisted on staying with me so I wouldn't overthink. He would refuse when I told him to rest.

"I am always resting when I'm with you, my love," he would say.

I pouted even if he wouldn't see it. "Still...I know your body is tired, love," I answered, quietly. Baka may makarinig sa 'kin dito sa labas. Kahit na sasabihin ko na kay Mom ang relasyon namin, alam kong hindi tama ang oras ngayon. 

"I want to stay with you. Please?" he replied back with a rather high-pitched voice; it made me laugh.

"What was that?" I said, in between my laughs. "Are you nagpapa-cute? Hindi bagay sa 'yo, love."

"Sabi ko nga. Basta." He cleared his throat. "I'm going to stay with you all night. I'm not taking a no for an answer, okay, my Felicia?"

"Alright, then."

Our call had been going on for an hour until it was disrupted by Ate Kaya when she called me. I turned around to see her running toward me. 

"Ms. Liv, Madam Dalia is awake," she informed me, trying to catch her breath. 

I ended the call. I felt bad I didn't give him a proper goodbye, but once I heard the news I couldn't think of anything else but going to my grandmother's room. I didn't spare a second and made my way back to Grandma's room, praying that she was in good condition. That she could move somehow. That she could talk. 

That she could remember me. Remember us. 

I dashed through the halls of this enormous house, silently cursing why was it unnecessarily big. Its size made it longer for me to reach her room. I dashed from hall to hall, wishing I could get there any time now. I barely had time to catch my breath. Even forgotten how to. 

Breathe, Liv.

I arrived at her room's door, which felt like forever. I made sure to knock first before entering inside. There I saw my grandmother, seated upright, wearing her glasses as she read her favorite book. I had already lost count of the number of times she had read that. 

It also seemed like mother hadn't gotten the news yet since I was the only person in the room with her. Or maybe she didn't want to go, knowing what would happen. 

Distracted by the noise my footsteps made, she turned her head to look at me. She leaned her head forward, trying to see past her glasses. Her posture came back as she acted as if she recognized me. At that moment, I hoped she did recognize me. As Liv. 

Because as soon as I saw the down-turned book she was holding, I knew she would forget me.

I sauntered to the chair beside her. "Is that you, Celeste? You still look young. Kanino ka ba nagmana?" I knew it.

I didn't know what broke my heart the most: the fact that she didn't realize that it was her granddaughter in front of her or the slurring in her speech as she found it hard to do so.

I held her hand close. "T-that's my mother, Granny." My voice came out weak. I knew I shouldn't cry. She's conscious, isn't she? That's enough to rejoice. "It's me, Liv. Your granddaughter."

"Liv...Ah..." It took her some time to process. She would look in the air as if thinking who I was, go back to her book that I doubt she understood reading by the way how it was, then take a glance at me as she tried to lock her memories of me. 

"Oh my...how could I forget my beautiful Liv..." She tried to reach my cheeks. I leaned forward so it wouldn't be difficult for her. With her answer, hope formed inside of me as the corners of my lips twitch up. Hope that this time, she remembered me now. The last time I went here, she would interchange me and Ate. Or worse, she would call me by Ate's name. 

Just one time, God. Give me this one time.

"Of course Celeste, I remember her...How is she? I used to see her running sa may backyard, naghahabol ng mga butterflies." She chuckled, weakly. Parang may humila sa puso ko no'ng marinig ko iyon. Of course, what was I thinking? Miracles don't happen easily. 

But in the deepest part of me hoped that for once, she could remember me, the granddaughter she used to comb the hair of. The one she used to sing to sleep whenever her mother wasn't around. The one she would tell bedtime stories to fall asleep easier, trying to forget her fear of the dark.  

I gave my hope that today would be the time we could talk like we used to. Without a choice, I pretended to be Mother. 

"She's okay, Mama. She has grown into the wonderful woman she aspired to be. Remember her dream to be a doctor? She's closely reaching it!"

Her face softens. "Oh wow, that's good to hear!" Ibinaba niya ang kanyang kamay na bumalik as paghawak ng kanyang libro. Napansin na niya yatang baliktad ito no'ng inikot niya iyon, bahagyang tumatawa. "How 'bout her love life, aye? May umiibig na ba sa kanya?"

I let out a chuckle. It just dawned on me that she liked to talk about topics like these. No'ng ako'y highschool pa lamang, hilig niyang tanungin si Mom kung may pumalit na ba kay Dad. As usual, Mother would always avoid it, saying that she had no time for something as irrelevant as love. Walang hanggang pagtatanong rin ang nangyari no'ng pinakilala ni Ate Giovann si Kuya Miles sa pamilya namin. 

"She has someone she loves, Mama," I replied, smiling as I thought of Van. Introducing him to Grandma was one of the things I wanted to do once my exams were finished. Sadly, events turned out to be just like this.

Lagi kong kinukwento si Van sa kanya tuwing umuuwi kami rito sa Bataan. Of course, only when the discourse was only between us two. Even though it was uncertain that she would remember, I said, "Natatandaan niyo pa po ba 'yong kinukwento niya po sa inyo noon? 'Yong sumira po ng 16th birthday niya." I laughed once more as I reminisce the memory of that night. Who knew I would fall in love with him again after that? 

She looked at the air once more as if thinking. Just as when the bulb lit up, she traveled her eyes back to me. "Ah! Oo naman! Laging kinukwento sa 'kin ng anak mo 'yon, Celeste! In love na in love yata."

Keeping my smile, I answered. "Sobra po, Mama. Liv...She loves him too much." 

Mayroon pa sana akong sasabihin ngunit naputol iyon nang mapunta ang atensyon namin sa biglaang pagpasok ng boses sa loob ng kwarto. "You're awake," Mother's voice echoed in my head. 

Oh, God. Did she hear everything? I didn't even hear the door open, nor did somebody knock. Nakalimutan ko bang isara no'ng pagpasok ko?

Her footsteps became louder and nearer as she made her way to us. "Oh! Giovann! You're so big na talaga. Where is your spouse? Bakit ikaw lang?" Grandma greeted her. I couldn't look at Mother who took a seat beside me. Hindi sa gano'ng paraan niya dapat malaman na mahal ko pa rin si Van. 

Mother took a deep breath before talking to Grandma. "He's outside. Just...doing something." Her voice was quiet. Solemn. As if trying to keep her composure together before bursting into tears. "H-how are you? Are you good?" she asked.

Grandma flashed us a smile as she nodded. "Buhay pa naman. Nga pala! Did you know your sister is seeing someone na? Nako...dalaga na talaga at may minamahal na." 

Napaiwas ako ng tingin ngunit ramdam ko ang mga mata ni Mom na nakatingin sa 'kin. Napalunok ako sa kaba. Hindi ko alam kung ano'ng magiging reaksyon ni Mom sa sinabi ni Grandma. 

"I know. It's quite fascinating nga po. The way she could love the same person even after being forced to break up. Even after a year of no contact."

Napatingin ako kay Mom nang sabihin niya 'yon. She was aware? I never mentioned any name to Grandma. I doubt she knew about the incident on my 16th birthday either. 

Nagtama ang aking mata. Hindi ko mabasa kung anong emosyon ang nararamdaman niya ngayon. Kung ano'ng tumatakbo sa isip niya habang nakatingin sa 'kin. I wasn't expecting her to say anything.

But I surely did not expect her to give me a smile. A small, reassuring smile; it tells me it's okay for her to know. 

Napunta ang atensyon naming dalawa nang magsalita si Grandma. "Gano'n talaga pag mahal mo ang isang tao, Giovann. Babalik at babalik ang puso mo sa taong 'yon," sambit niya. Itinabi niya ang libro na kanyang binabasa kanina at humiga. "I'd like to meet the guy someday, Celeste. Bring him to me some time," she added, sounding as if she knew she wouldn't be here for long. 

"We could make that happen." Mother was the last one to speak before Grandma dismissed us, saying she wanted to sleep. I knew she had to rest but it made me anxious somehow. 

After closing the door, I ran after Mother. I tried to call her but she wouldn't stop in her tracks. It made me unsure if I had correctly interpreted her smile earlier. 

"Mother!" 

She stopped walking. "No shouting in these halls, dear." She turned around to look at me. "Let's talk."

We made a short trip to our veranda. Along the way, Mother instructed another maid to bring us a cup of tea and coffee. That little gesture made me realize how dumb I was for thinking she didn't know me at all. What was a little girl like me would think if her mother's always away? Despite that, no matter how imperfect Mother's parenting were, she loved me in her own way. 

"Take a seat," Mother told me as she sat down on the sofa chair adjacent to me. "I know you have something to tell me." As she said that, the maid she ordered a while ago came to us with a tray of our drinks. We both muttered 'thank you' before she went back. 

I was supposed to tell this with Van beside me, but the mood, the situation, and Mother's reaction seemed to be different yet identical at the same time; it was giving me deja vu. Parehas lang akong kinakabahan no'ng oras na 'yon.

Ngunit alam kong iisa lang ang hindi nagbago ngayon. 

Iisa pa rin ang pinaglalaban ko. 

"Uhm...I think you hear what I said when I was talking to Grandma." I breathed deeply. "I still love him, Mother. And this time, I'm willing to do anything for us to  be together."

She took a sip of her tea, unfazed. "I see."

I see? That's it? 

"A-aren't you going to have some...I don't know, negative reaction?"

Binaba niya ang tasa na kanyang ininuman. Bumalik ang kanyang tingin sa 'kin at muling nagsalita. "Just so you know, I still don't like Van. I haven't gotten to know the guy properly, anyway. But I don't have a say on who you love, dear."

"W-what do you mean, Mother? Are you just...agreeing? Just like that?" I wasn't anticipating that. I was so sure we would argue by now, but looking at her, I don't think there's a need to. 

She nodded. "Just like that. I really thought that what I did was the best for you. Now, I know that only you can decide what's best for you." 

"I'm sorry, Liv. I really am."

I felt a lump on my throat forming as I heard those words in person. Sure, Mother had apologized in chat but it was different hearing it. So much different. 

"You see, your Dad and I never got along well. You know that. The reason was that there was no love behind that marriage. We were forced to," she shared. This was my first time hearing their story. Some part of me felt happy that Mother was slowly opening up to me. She never really shared anything besides work. 

But...forced? Are we just a product of a contract?

"Well siguro mayroon. I loved your Dad. Too much, I guess. It wasn't a forced marriage to me. It was to your Dad because, at that time, he loved somebody else. But his family loved me."

"Ayaw kong mangyari 'yon sa inyo ni Giovann. I want you all to have a marriage full of love. Kaya siguro naging strict ako sa mga lalaking pumapasok sa buhay niyo," she confessed. Her eyes were full of guilt. Disappointment.

Oh, Mother. If only I knew, I would've understood you better.

"But you. Kayo ni Van. You have something your dad and I don't have. Yours is real. And now's the time I should accept that."

Her eyes bore deep into mine as she finally said, "Let us meet him."

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