L I V

Dates with Van were supposed to be fun.

But our date today was nowhere near fun.

It was rather spontaneous that Van suddenly asked me out, and without Adi at that. Kaming dalawa lang ang magkaharap na nakaupo sa cafe na dati niyang pinagtatrabahuhan. At dahil maliit lang 'to at wala masyadong taong dumadalo tuwing hapon, naisipan niyang dito kami mag-date. Iyon ang paliwanag niya kung bakit hindi na niya kinailangang dalhin si Adi. 

I thought not having Adi with us was a good sign, That somehow, little by little, we can go out as other couples do. I could flex him without being cautious. I could express I love him without any worry. 

But I never thought it would mean something else. Something opposite of what I had in mind. 

"What did you just say?" giit kong pagtatanong dahil hindi ko mapaniwalaan ang ibinuga niyang mga salita. Nakatitig lamang ako sa mga mata niya, naghahanap ng paliwanag kung bakit niya 'yon nasabi. "I don't want to repeat myself, Van, but tell me that's not true."

"I'm not lying," sagot niya nang maibaba niya ang tingin na kanina'y na sa akin. "We need to break up."

I was in a state of denial, searching for any scrap of lie in his eyes and in his words. The world seemed to slow down and at that time, I prayed to every god to ever exist to make this moment a dream. But all of it was left unanswered.

He only said eleven words but it felt like thousands of arrows pricked through my heart. The truth in his voice made my world crumble, enough to smash it into pieces no one could fix but him. Na kahit pilit kong buoin ito, hindi pa rin magiging sapat. 

A speck of hope ignited inside of me that wished he could take back everything he said, because I know if he did, the broken pieces of my shattered heart would be healed. Gano'n kabilis. 

"Bakit?" nanginginig kong pagsabi. Sa dinami-dami ng puwede kong isagot sa kanya ay 'yon lang ang natanong ko. Bakit? Masaya naman kami kahapon. No'ng isang araw. No'ng isang linggo. Pero bakit biglang naging ganito? What went wrong? May ginawa ba akong mali? May nasabi ba akong masama? Nasaktan ko ba siya?

"You need to give me a reason why, Van. You--Gosh! You just can't say that!" sigaw kong nagpipilit itago ang namumuong luha sa 'king mga mata. Nawalan na ako ng pake kung mukha akong despereda. O kung marinig ng ibang tao sa loob ang pag-uusap namin. I couldn't care less. Gusto ko lang malaman kung bakit gusto niyang itigil lahat ng 'to. 

He brought his eyes back to mine, glistening as tears started to form. He swallowed hard as if he was hesitating whether to continue. As if there was something holding him back.

"I don't think I can fight for you. For us," he finally said. "Your mother knows." He took a deep breath. "And as I thought, ayaw niya sa 'kin."

So, that was the reason.

It surprised me how he knew, pero hindi 'yon ang importante ngayon. I already expected this day would come. We both knew that somehow, Mother will get hold of the news about our relationship. Napag-usapan na namin kung ano ang gagawin namin kung sakaling mangyari man iyon. Pinangako niya na kahit anong magiging reaksyon ni Mom ay ipaglalaban niya ako. Anong nangyari? Bakit parang ang dali lang sa kanyang bawiin lahat ng pangako niya?

"Handa naman akong ipaglaban ka, Van. I can take all the pain if it means being with you. Mother can hurt me for all I care, pero, please...'Wag mong gawin sa 'kin 'to," pagmamakaawa ko. I wouldn't mind Mother adding scars to my wounded heart but not him. Just not him. He was the last person I wanted to be hurt by. He was supposed to be my safe haven. My sanctuary. But look how the tables had turned. 

He bit his lower lip as he bowed his head down, perhaps guilty of breaking his promises. Shortly after, he looked back, letting out a tear fall down his cheek. Then came another. Tears after tears, hindi ko na napansin na tumulo na rin ang mga luha kong kanina ko pa pinipigilan.

That was my first time seeing him so vulnerable; I didn't know what to do. I wanted to comfort him. I wanted to reach out to him, wipe his tears, and tell him I had everything under control even if I fully knew I didn't. But I couldn't even afford to comfort myself at this very moment. 

"Please, Liv. Don't make this harder for than it already is," aniya habang sinusubukan kunin ang aking kamay. Hinawakan niya ito at pinisil nang mahina. "It's for our own good." Gosh, he sounded like Mother; I hated it.

I wiped another tear that fell. "How would I? You're not even giving me a justifiable reason why you want to let go! What happened to 'We'll work this out'? What happened to 'I'll always stay with you, through thick and thin'? Was that all for show?" 

"I..." He bit his inner cheek, trying to formulate words to say which seemed he was having trouble doing. "I never meant to give you false assurance, Liv. Trust me, I don't. It's just that--"

"Just what?" I cut him off. I didn't want to cause a scene but I think it was too late. Sanay akong i-control ang aking emosyon pero sa sandaling ito hindi ko magawang maging kalmado. The love of my life is sitting in front of me, saying that we should break up. 

How can I stay calm when he's so near but is slowly getting hard to reach?

"It felt like eating my own words the moment your mother knew. H-hindi ko pala kaya..." paliwanag niya. "I'm sorry..." paulit-ulit at mahina niya itong sinabi ngunit narinig ko pa rin. Kasabay ng kanyang paghikbi ang pagkirot ng aking puso. I couldn't see him like this. Pained. Miserable. It was too much for me.

I placed my hand on the sides of his cheek, lightly pushing his face so we could see eye to eye.  "Hindi ba kaya ako nandito?" Hinaplos ko ang kanyang pisngi at pinunasan ang luhang tumutulo kanyang pisngi bago magpatuloy. "To give you strength and support that you're not alone in this? How could you just decide without thinking about how I'll feel?"

It took him a while before answering. He took my hand and brought it on the table. "Mas lalo ka lang masasaktan pag ipinaglaban pa natin. And I don't want you to argue with your mother just because of me. Ayokong masira pa ang relasyon niyo."

I understood where he was coming from. Arguing with Mother while fighting for our relationship is inevitable, considering how Mother always has the last word. But knowing his perspective made me think about how selfless he is, and that was what made it even harder to let go of him. 

Alam kong ayaw niya akong masaktan pero paano siya? Kita palang sa kanyang mga mata na hindi niya ninanais mangyari ito ngunit nararamdaman kong may itinatago pa siyang lihim sa likod ng kanyang paglayo sa 'kin. Duda akong iyon lang ang rason niya. I bet Mother did something for him to make this as his last retort. 

"You don't understand how much I love you. Mahal kita nang sobra na kaya kong makipag-away, basta tayo pa rin sa huli. Just please..." I could feel my voice cracking. Nanunuyot ang aking bibig ng dahil siguro sa hinagpis na nararamdaman ko ngayon. 

I brought his hand that was holding mine closer to me. "Don't give up on us." 

"That's the point, Liv. I know you'll do that, but I don't want that. Your family is irreplaceable. But me? You can meet other guys. Guys that even suit your mother's taste." 

I dropped his hand just like how my heart dropped with his remark. "How could you say that?" mahina kong pagsabi. "What do you take my love for, Van? Na bigla na lang mawawala pag nakakilala ako ng iba? It's not that easy!"

Bubuksan na sana niya ang kanyang bibig para sumagot ngunit nakita kong inalis niya ang tingin niya sa 'kin at inilipat ito sa 'king likod. Nanlaki ang kanyang mga mata at tila nanigas sa kanyang nakita. Lumipas ang ilang segundo, narinig ko ang boses ng taong huli kong gustong makita ngayon.

"Felicia Viviana!" 

I turned around to see Mother, her eyes fuming in rage. I didn't question why she knew I was here. Of course, she had connections. She had eyes everywhere.

I felt a pang on my wrist as Mother pulled me by the hand, forcing me to stand up. "We're going home," she said sharply, tightening her grip around my wrist I felt like it would leave a bruise.

No.

Not just 'said'.

Warned.

There was something in her tone that insinuates something worse will happen if I refused to go with her. I clenched my other fist, resisting the urge to stay and talk everything out with Van. But that desire instantly faded when I looked over him, eyes away from us.  

He's not even fighting. He didn't even try. 

Bibigay na yata ang aking mga tuhod sa panghihina kung mananatili ako rito. Tama nga siyang masasaktan lang ako. Hindi man lang niya ako matingnan sa mata. Hindi man lang niya sinubukang hilahin pabalik ang kabila kong palapulsuhan para pilitin ako. Para ipaglaban ako.

Ayaw na niya. Ano pang magagawa ko?

I tore my gaze away from him. Any minute now, I feel like breaking down. I didn't bother fighting back Mother as my mind was still processing what happened. Is it really over now?

No. Not yet. I haven't done my part. A relationship is two-way. Hindi puwedeng siya lang ang magdesisyong sumuko na. I would never admit defeat without putting up a fight.

I immediately pulled myself away from Mother's hold as we reached the entrance of our house. "You did something, did you?" I asked, unconsciously letting my anger become apparent in the tone of my voice. My sudden question brought shock to Mother's face as if thinking about what had happened to the Liv she once knew.

Well, guess what, Mother?

She's gone.

One of the few things Van has taught me was how to stand up for myself despite everything. He always reminded me that no one will ever give you the help you need other than yourself. And this is me. Being strong enough to oppose what Mother wants to happen.

Tilting her head, she hissed through her teeth, "I don't like your tone, young lady. Sa'n mo natutunan 'yan? Do'n sa lalaking 'yon? This is why I don't want you catching feelings for other people without my knowledge. Look how they corrupt your mind!"

I bawled my fist, calming myself as I control my temper. Hindi ito ang panahon para magpaapekto sa 'king emosyon. It wouldn't do me good if I let it get the best of me. 

"Mother, I'm not your princess anymore. I'm tired of playing the goody-two-shoes you want me to be. I feel caged. Suffocated, even. And Van set me free from that." I took a step forward, mustering the courage I never got to show Mother. "So, please. Just let me love him."

I heard her scoff. "Love? What do you know about love, Liv? You're only nineteen! You know nothing about love!" pagwawala niya. The sight of Mother losing herself to the anger within her made me step backward in fear. Nonetheless, Van never left my mind. Kailangan ko pa siyang ipaglaban.

"I'm already nineteen! I'm old and wise enough to recognize that what I have for Van is love!" 

I didn't let her respond to my sudden outburst as I continued, "This is exactly the reason why I rebelled, Mother. Your rules are too much. I've been abiding all of it and now I got the chance to love someone, you wouldn't let me? Is it because he's not like us? Don't feign innocence with me, I know you did a background check on him." It was only speculation until I heard Mother's response.

I watched her chest raised up and down. "Liv, dear, I don't care who you love. I don't care if he's rich or not. What matters to me is that you acted out of your character! You broke my rules, and you know I hate that the most!"

Parang hindi niya naintindihan ang rason kung bakit hindi ko sinunod ang isa sa mga utos niya. Mas importante pa ang pagrebelde ko kaysa ang nararamdaman ko sa tuwing ako'y sunod-sunuran niya. Was what I felt meant nothing to her? 

"You know what I do to rulebreakers, don't you?" she asked, danger dancing along her voice. I didn't like where this was going. I was slowly realizing I'm losing. "They get punished," was the last thing she said to me before storming out of the entrance, going in the direction where my room was.

My steps hurriedly followed her. I was worried about what she was about to do. Walang pumapasok sa isip ko kung anong puwede niyang gawin sa loob ng aking kwarto. Ngunit nang makatapak siya sa harapan ng aking kama at itaas ang comforter upang ilabas ang nagkalat na picture namin ni Van ay nagkaroon ako ng ideya.

"Manang!" she called, her eyes not leaving mine. "Ready the fire."

No. 

"Mother...No..." I wasn't even sure if Mother had heard my plea. My throat was dry. I couldn't speak clearly. I was stunned by the realization I was about to lose something I treasure greatly. 

She snatched the pictures on the floor to which she soon started ripping with full force. I tried to save them from her clutch. But I was too late. 

I hated myself at that moment. I hated how my courage instantly disappeared and fled without a trace. I hated how I stood there, watching Mother ruin those pieces of paper that contained memories of a lifetime. All of them were gone.

Because of me.

Because I wasn't strong enough to save them.

To save Van.

"This is what you get for disobeying me." Those were her final words before stomping the ripped papers on the ground and bolting outside the room. 

I let silence swallow me whole as my knees met the ground. I watched my shaking hands try to put back together the fragments of the sole remembrance I have of my love, in hopes of salvaging them even a little bit. Even if it seemed impossible. 

My vision became clouded by the tears that once refused to get out of my eyes. I blinked, tears trickling down my cheeks like an endless river; I couldn't stop. 

It was a silent cry. The kind of cry where you find yourself struggling to breathe. My hand rose to my chest and formed my fist. I pound my heart, thinking the pain would go away. I thought I wouldn't mind Mother adding another scar. It would heal over time, I always mark it in my head. But no amount of time would heal the scar she had left me when she took my happiness, my home, my escape away from me.

I'm sorry, my love.

I lost.

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