V A N

Ever since Liv had proven to me that not all my judgments were accurate, I had doubted whether my hunch was too.

I may not be a psychic, but there was definitely something wrong with her texts. It wasn't like her. I knew because even through chats, one could feel the bubbliness she radiates. But at that moment, I couldn't feel that. I couldn't feel her.

Kumunot ang noo ko nang matanto kong sobra na ang aking pag-aalala sa kanya. Simula no'ng magkausap kami muli ngayong taon, hindi ko namamalayan na napapalapit na pala ako sa kanya. Gayundin, hindi mawala sa sarili ko na mag-alala sa kanya. She liked to put on a mask for everyone, like me. Though, ever since I saw her panic inside the elevator that day, I thought that she was like a thin sheet of ice, even a single touch could harm her. 

Siguro nakatulong dito ang pagiging kaibigan nila ni Adi. Their bond was too strong that what Liv feels, Adi does too. At ayaw kong makitang nasasaktan ang kapatid ko dahil may nangyari sa kanyang kaibigan. It felt like I had a sense of duty protecting those who are important to her.

That's all to it.

Right?

Sinubukan kong ituloy ang mga ginagawa kong schoolworks ngunit hindi ako maka-focus kakaisip kung tama ba ang aking haka-haka. Napalingon ako at tiningnan ang orasang nakasabit sa pader.

11:25 PM. Iyon ang nakalagay. Masyado ng late kung hindi pa nakauwi ng bahay si Liv. At dahil malalim na ang gabi, hindi mawala sa 'king isip na baka may masamang nangyari sa kanya.

Having enough of feeling anxious, I picked up my phone and tried to search for Adi's contact name. As soon as I saw it, I immediately pressed the dial button.

After a few rings, she finally answered the call.  "What?" she asked, her voice hoarse.

"Did Liv tell you her sister was picking her up from school?"

"What? She told me na binalikan mo siya kanina. Nagpa-iwan daw kasi may ginawa pa siya sa school." Ha?

"Hindi ko siya binalikan, Adi. I didn't even leave the house after I fetch you," sambit ko. Ibig ba niyang sabihin na nagsinungaling si Liv sa 'kin?

Hindi siya agad nakapagsalita nang sabihin ko 'yon. Matapos ang ilang segundo ay narinig ko uli ang kayang boses. "Do you think..." Hindi na tinuloy ni Adi ang kanyang sinabi pero alam kong iisa lang ang aming iniisip.

"Do you have her sister's number?" tanong ko sa kanya ngunit hindi lang ang nasagot niya sa 'kin. 

"I'll call you back," ani ko. Dali-dali akong tumayo para kunin ang susi ng aking kotse habang sinusubukang tawagan ang number ni Liv. Ilang beses na rin itong nag-ring ngunit hindi siya sumasagot.

Nakalabas na ako ng bahay. Nakapasok na rin sa kotse ngunit wala pa rin. Sa aking huling tawag lang ako nakahinga nang maluwag. Composing myself, I tried to speak in the clamest way possible. "Where are you?" Bago pa niya masumbat ang anumang kasinungalingang mayroon siya ay sunod kong dinagdag, "Don't tell me you already went home. Adi told me a different story when I asked her how you went home."

There was a short pause before I heard her trying to stifle a cry but failed. "I'm at school...Can you come pick me up?" she finally answered. Tinanong ko muna siya kung saan mismo ng school siya banda. "Stay where you are. I'm coming," sabi ko bago ibaba ang tawag.

Mabuti na lang at wala masyadong sasakyan ng ganitong oras kaya nakarating ako roon nang mabilis. Hindi na ako nagpatumpik-tumpik pa at hinanap ko na agad ang lugar na kanyang idiniskribe sa 'kin kanina.

As I saw a place similar to what she described, I immediately saw a figure of a girl on her heels, curled like a ball.

"Liv!" I tried to get her attention. Her head shot up, taking a glance to see who just called her. Red was the color of her eyes when they met mine. At that moment, I knew the situation was something more than I imagined it to be.

She stood up, hesitant to come close to me. As I went near her, I grabbed her wrist, lightly pulling her as we walked toward where I parked my car. "Let's go. We'll talk inside the car."

Tahimik lang siyang sumunod sa 'king likod, ang kanyang ulo'y nakayuko. Hindi ko alam kung dahil sa hiya o iba pa.

Binuksan ko ang pintuan sa harap. "Get in." Nang makapasok siya ay sumunod na rin ako.

Hindi ko alam kung bakit kailan narito na siya ay saka lamang lumabas ang aking pag-aalalang tinago ko sa galit. "Do you know what you just did?!"

Watching her flinch at the volume of my voice, I took a breath to calm myself. "I-I'm sorry," agad kong pagbawi. Alam kong hindi makakatulong ang galit ko sa sitwasyong ito.

"I'm sorry..." mahina niyang sagot.

Hindi ko muna siya pinagpaliwanag kung bakit niya iyon nagawa. Hindi ko rin naman kailangan ng paliwanag dahil mas kailangan iyon ng kanyang ate. "Call your sister. Tell her you're coming home."

Bigla niya akong hinarap, nakasimangot at tila iiyak uli. "I don't want to go home...Magagalit siya..."

I started the engine, refusing to do what she want. "Mas lalong magagalit ang ate mo kung hindi ka uuwi."

Nakita ko sa gilid ng aking mata na umayos siya uli ng upo at nilabas ang kanyang phone. Nag-send na lamang siya ng text sa kanyang ate dahil siguro sa takot na baka ano pang sabihin sa kanya. 

Matapos niyang itago ang kanyang phone sa bag niya ay tumingin siya sa bintana. The ride was quiet, but I could hear her sniff as she tried to stop herself from crying. It's been a while since I saw her like this. The last time was the elevator incident.

"Tell me what's wrong," I said, hoping I wasn't prying too much. My voice caught her attention as she tried to take a glance at me. Seconds later, her eyes went down to her fidgeting fingers. 

"Promise me you won't get mad." Mahina pa rin ang kanyang boses nang sinabi niya iyon. 

"I won't. Just tell me why you had to do that. That wasn't...you."

"I know..." She took a deep breath before speaking again. "I failed an exam."

Saglit akong napatingin sa kanya. Kung sa iba ay maliit lang na bagay ang pagkuha ng bagsak na marka sa exam, sa kanya ay hindi. I know this since I've noticed every time they had a group study at my apartment, siya lagi ang taga-turo. It wasn't hard to know that she was an overachiever. Based on her reaction getting a bad grade, it seemed like her family didn't want getting that kind of grade.

Nang makita niyang hindi ako sumasagot ay nagtanong siya. "Aren't you going to say anything? Like 'it's just a failed exam, 'di pa end of the world' or something like that?"

Umiling ako nang marinig ako kanyang tanong. "You taught me not to judge people without getting to know them, and I don't want to say anything along those lines without knowing your side. Besides, you're not overreacting if that's what you're feeling right now."

As the stop light turned red, I pushed the brake to stop the car. I turned my head to see her. My brow lifted slightly as I noticed her still staring at me; I couldn't get hold of what was in her mind.

"Thank you," she finally said as she gave me a weak smile. "For not judging."

Hindi nagtagal ay nakarating na kami sa gate ng kanilang bahay. Tinanggal ni Liv ang kanyang seatbelt at muling tumingin sa 'kin. "Can you stay here? I feel like Ate and I will fight when I go inside. I may or may not walk out of the house, but if I do, I just...need someone," pakiusap niya.

I gave her a curt nod. I fully understood what she meant by someone. Someone who was on her side. Someone who wouldn't judge her. And I was more than happy to be that someone. 

Sumandal ako sa headrest ng upuan at pinatong ko ang aking braso sa 'king noo nang makaalis si Liv ng sasakyan. Napaisip ako kung ano ba 'tong ginagawa ko. I still had pending schoolworks to do that were due a day from now but here I was. Waiting for her to come out. 

Napaayos ako ng upo nang makarinig ako ng ingay sa labas. Tiningnan ko kung kanino nagmumula 'yong mga boses na narinig ko. Nakita ko si Liv, mga kilay magkasalubong at nakasimagot habang mabilis na lumalakad palabas ng bahay. Nakita ko rin na sumusunod sa kanya si Ate Giovann.

Kita sa mata ni Liv na lumuwag ang kanyang pakiramdam nang makita niyang narito pa ako. Binilisan niya pa lalo ang kanyang lakad at tumungo sa kotse ko. 

"Can you take me somewhere quiet?" hiling niya nang makapasok siya sa loob.

Bago ako magpaandar ay lumabas muna ako para kausapin ang kanyang ate. Napatigil sa paghabol si Ate Giovann nang makita niya ako.

"I don't know what had gotten to, Liv. I wasn't going to be mad if she got a failed exam, pero bakit niya nagawa 'yon?" she ranted. Bahid sa kanyang mukha ang pag-aalala sa kanyang kapatid. In their eyes, it may be unreasonable for her not to go home.

"Your sister...She doesn't want to go home yet," panimula ko. "She wanted me to take her somewhere she can cool her head off."

Bumuntong-hininga si Ate. "We can trust you, right?" Tumango ako sa kanyang tanong. "Okay. Please keep her safe."

"I will." 

Binigay ko kay Ate ang address ng aming pupuntahan para masundan niya kung nasaan kami. Alam kong hindi sapat ang pagsabi na magiging ligtas ang kanyang kapatid kapag kasama ko. Mas mabuti na 'yong nasusundan niya kami. 

As I went inside, I immediately started the car. Hindi rin nagtanong si Liv kung saan kami pupunta at nakatingin lamang siya sa bintana.

She said she wanted somewhere quiet. Una kong naisip ay 'yong beach na lagi naming pinupuntahan noong bata palang kami ni Adi. It was an open beach so it didn't require any payment. 

Hininaan ko ang AC nang makita kong yakap-yakap na ni Liv ang kanyang sarili, ngunit hindi yata 'yon sapat dahil nanginginig pa rin siya. Buti na lang at nakapula ang traffic light. Lumingon ako sa likod para kunin ang nakatagong jacket doon. Nang makuha ko ito ay agad kong inabot sa kanya.

"Use this," ani ko. Tiningnan niya muna ang hawak kong jacket bago kunin ito. 

"You don't have to lend me this jacket everytime I'm here," sabi niya matapos tumawa nang mahina. 

I shrugged my shoulders as I placed one of my hands on the steering wheel when the light turned green. "Kaysa naman malamigan ka."

Halos isang oras din ang nakalipas bago kami makarating sa beach. Lumiwanag ang mga mata ni Liv nang makita niya ang lugar. "You took me to a beach..." she said. "Hindi ba trespassing 'to? I don't have money with me."

"Don't worry. It's an open beach. No one really goes here."

Pagkalabas namin sa kotse ay hinubad niya ang kanyang sapatos at agad tumakbo patungo sa dagat. The place was indeed quiet. Tanging mga alon lang ang maririnig mo rito. 

I put my hands inside the pockets of my joggers. Madaling araw na rin kaya malamig ang simoy ng hangin. Wala rin akong extrang jacket dahil suot na ni Liv ang isa. Ngunit wala rin naman akong pakialam kung malamigan ako. In fact, I liked it better this way. 

Napapikit ako habang dinadama ang ihip ng hangin, ngunit nang marinig kong nagpaalingawngaw ang mga alik-ik ni Liv ay napabukas ang aking mga mata. I saw her, minding her own business along the shore and playing the sands with her feet. The sight of her having fun looked inviting, which made me sauntered toward her. 

As she saw me walking in her direction, her face beamed. "Dali! Come here! The water's warm!" she called, throwing me a genuine smile on her lips. So genuine, that even her eyes did too.

I fought the urge to reply back with a smile. Rather, I just answered, "I don't want to get wet, kid."

Her face contorted by my remark. "Kid?" she said, taking a stroll to where I was. "Don't call me that, ew. I'm turning nineteen this year."

"Doesn't look like it," pag-asar ko. I almost laughed when I saw her making a face as she mock what I said. How cute.

After a while, we sat on the sand, just staring at the glistening ocean ahead of us. It had been a while since I took a break from everything. So long that I was close to forgetting what did rest felt like. My daily routine was only composed of eat, study, work, and repeat. I wasn't even sure how my body handled all of that. 

Just then I realized that this little trip of ours wasn't only for Liv.

It was also for me.

"You know," she started to speak, still facing forward. "My mother always wants me to excel in everything because my sister was like that." 

I gave her a nod to show I was listening. I didn't bother interrupting her. I knew what she needed the most: someone to listen to her. 

"All my life, I was basically trying to meet my mother's standards. I understand that having good grades and knowledge will get me somewhere in the future but...I'm tired. I'm so tired..." pagtuloy niya. I understood how she felt. I may not have experienced it myself but putting myself in her shoes, it was definitely hard. The constant feeling of never being good enough for someone was honestly worse. 

Muli siyang tumingin sa 'kin at nagsalita. "You can rant, too. I'm willing to listen."

This night definitely had something in it that it I did not make me hesitant to take her offer. I thought it would be best for her to hear my past directly from me and explain why I first treated her that way back then. She was young; she didn't deserve that kind of mistreatment I gave her. I knew a simple sorry wouldn't suffice.

"My mother was working as a private and family nurse back when I was 13. Mayaman 'yong pamilya. Mabait. Kaso may tinatago pala," pagsimula ko nang hindi nakatingin sa kanya. "I wasn't exactly sure why they framed my mother of theft. Siguro dahil sa inggit kasi mas napapalapit si Mama sa mga anak niya kaysa sa kanya. 

"During that time, Papa had a medical condition kaya napaparami ang gastos namin sa mga treatments niya. Kung kailan gumaling na siya, saka pa kinasuhan si Mama. In the end, ubos 'yong pera." I stopped for a while, thinking if it was right to continue. Bumaling ako at humarap kay Liv. There was something in her eyes that screamed sympathy. Of course, Liv was the last person who will judge me.

"We had no choice but to work. Kahit ayaw ni Papa na magtrabaho ako, pinilit ko. Nakaya ko naman ipagsabay, though I don't know how." I let out a short laugh before continuing. "Long story short, we asked help sa mga kapatid ni Mama para tulungan kami, which wasn't her first choice kasi nahihiya siya. Well, bunso kasi.

"That's the reason why I still work today. Minsan, I still get anxious na baka bumalik kami sa lagay na 'yon. Maybe that's also why I don't like being bubbly and carefree like you. I feel like losing control over my life, and I don't like that. Call me uptight, but yeah. That's how I grew up."

Silence echoed us momentarily after I shared my story. Siguro'y matagal akong nakatitig sa dagat at hindi ko napansing medyo lumapit sa 'kin si Liv. "It was hard, wasn't it?" she said, her eyes that was fixated on the sea met mine. 

God, it was. Hanggang ngayon hindi ko pa rin alam kung paano ko nalagpasan iyon.

"You know what, it's better if we do this." Napatingin ako sa kanya nang bigla siynag tumayo at sumigaw. Lumingon ako sa 'ming paligid at tiningnan kung may nakakarinig ba sa 'min. "Hey, what are you doing?" Hindi niya ako pinansin at patuloy pa rin sa pagsigaw.

"I'm. So. Fucking tired of living by someone else's shadow!! For once, I don't want to be pressured! God, Mother, I'm not a fucking robot who can do everything you want!" It was then I realized she was shouting all her burdens away. It may not be the best solution to her problem, but I did know she felt better after saying all her pent-up thoughts. Sa ngiti niya palang matapos 'yon ay malalaman mo na. 

She heaved out a heavy breath. "Wooh! Okay, I feel so much better."

She turned to face me with an expression I knew of. Before she could say what she wanted to say, I cut her off. "If you're asking me to do that too, then I have to pass, Liv."

Her shoulder drop as she sighed. "Come on!" she exclaimed while she tried to pull me up to stand. "You look like you haven't rested for years, Kuya. Use this moment to vent everything that's been bothering you!"

"I'm okay. Really," I replied, trying to pull my arm from her grasp but it remained intact. She looked like she wasn't giving up until I get to say what was lingering on my mind.

"Ugh, fine!" I said, giving up. Her hold loosened as I dragged myself up. I took a final look at her, with my face saying 'Do you really want me to do this?' She curtly raised her head and brows, signaling me to continue. Well, here goes nothing.

I shouted a curse at first. That was the perfect description of how my life was. It was fucked. Even from the start. I was robbed of the childhood I deserved to have. My inner child wasn't given a chance to heal because I had to become mature at an early age. I sometimes wonder what life would be if I wasn't someone who others depend on.

For once, I wanted someone I could lean on, too.

I released another shout. "Fuck you Carol for ruining our lives!" 

"Yeah! Fuck Carol! I hope karma gets you!" I suddenly stopped when I heard Liv shout behind me. I was being careful not to let a playful smirk show, but I failed. 

"Are you cheering me on?" I asked, still wearing that smirk. She nodded and continued to give me a smile. 

I scoffed. Deciding to continue, I shouted once more. "Fuck schoolwork!"

"Ugh! Fuck them!" sunod namang sigaw ni Liv habang sinusuntok ang ere.

"Fuck--" I couldn't say my last rant. Instead of letting it out, a laugh was released. 

"Oh! You finally laughed!" Liv exclaimed, pointing a finger toward me. Who wouldn't be in this situation? "So, you know how to laugh."

I shook my head and proceeded to sit back down. "Just like you said, I'm not a robot."

Umupo na rin siya sa 'king tabi, mga tingi'y hindi maalis sa 'kin. "Why are you staring at me like that?"

Nagkibit-balikat siya't nagsalita, "You look better when you smile." Do I? 

"Newsflash, Liv. I'm not bubbly like you."

We sat there for a while, sinking in what just happened earlier. I had never felt more relieved in my entire life to the point that the word 'relieved' didn't give justice to what I was feeling. This was what rest felt like. Calm. Peace. 

"Do you feel better?" gulat kong pagtanong kay Liv. I didn't mean to ask that. Words just slipped out of my mouth. 

She turned her head to face me. There goes the eye smile she has. I wonder how she can smile like that. "A lot better. How 'bout you?"

"Never been better," I said. Everything felt new to me. The fact that I could say I was okay without mixing a lie in it was unusual. 

Bumalik na kami sa kotse nang makatanggap ako ng text mula sa kanyang ate kung anong oras ba kami uuwi. Masyado nang late kung hindi pa kami uuwi. Baka mas lalo pang mag-alala si Ate Giovann.

Habang inaayos ni Liv ang kanyang seatbelt ay bigla siyang nagsalita. "You know, you should stop acting so nice to me when you don't even like me."

Napakunot ang noo ko nang marinig ko iyon. Sa'n naman nanggaling 'yon? "Who says I don't like you?" tanong ko nang ayusin ko rin ang aking seatbelt. 

"Oh, so you like me now?" tanong niya pabalik. Does that have a double meaning?

"Yeah, but not like that."

"Not like what?"

"Like...romantically."

She let out a chuckle I did not expect. "Silly, of course, I know that!" Umayos na siya ng upo at tumingin na sa bintana. Just when I thought she would stay quiet, she started to speak again."Can we be friends?"

Napatingin ako sa kanya. "Of course." Her face lit up with my response, her lips twitching up. Was she that happy to be friends with me?

"Really? Like really really?"

"Yes, Liv," sagot ko matapos buksan ang makina ng kotse.

Nakita kong inilahad niya ang kanyang kanang kamay. "Friends, then?" ani niya.

With my left hand on the steering wheel, I took her hand on the other.

"Friends."

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