Pairing: Chan x Jisung
Genre: Angst, Romance, Hurt & Comfort
Warnings: Mentions of suicidal thoughts and self harm

Chan was the living embodiment of the fucking sun next to his best friend Felix and his lover Jisung. Happy, bouncy, like a fluffy, crazy, big puppy. However, all of that came to a screeching halt the night of the accident. They were out celebrating Chan's 21st birthday, and Felix had offered to take Chan home even though the two of them were giggly, silly, reckless drunks. Felix wasn't even legal, but that was the magic of fake ID's and a deep ass voice.

The loud squeal of car tyres and the equally as loud smashing sound would forever ring in Chan's ears along with the words of a kind nurse telling him he would most likely never walk again and be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of his life, his friends surrounding him. Chan broke down after the nurse left; a state that only Jisung had seen a small handful of times.

"I'm totally fucking useless now!" Chan cried in anguish.

"Hey, hey, babe, no, you're not useless" Jisung wrapped his arms around Chan in a hug.

Chan had cried for hours after that, Jisung sticking by him every second. Chan sobbed and sobbed until everything hurt.

The first day Chan got acquainted with the wheelchair, he expressed no like nor dislike towards it. He was completely expressionless, except for his eyes. No matter how expressionless or numb you may feel, it's always the eyes that give away what you try to hide. If you looked close enough, or maybe if you knew him well enough as Jisung did, you could see the insurmountable pain Chan was feeling. His heart hurt, his dreams shattered.

Himself, Jisung and Changbin were on their way to becoming a well known rap group, having already been signed to JYP Entertainment and had debuted March 25th with their first album. However, now that Chan was a paraplegic, he couldn't do the things he wanted to on stage.

Was this where 3RACHA ended?

"It's all my fault...this is all my fault" Chan choked out as he looked up at Jisung with the saddest expression the younger had ever seen, "I'm sorry"

Jisung felt his heart lurch painfully in his chest, and he too felt like crying. Jisung bit his lip, swallowing the lump in his throat.

"It's not your fault Channie hyung" Jisung whispered with a comforting smile, "so you have nothing to be sorry for"

Chan bowed his head, still feeling like he was to blame for all of this. They were in the JYP practice room along with Changbin whom had a sympathetic look on his face. When a figure entered the room suddenly, they expected it to be JYP, but it wasn't.

It was BamBam, followed closely by Yugyeom of GOT7 and, oddly, Jungkook of BTS.

"Holy fuck, thank fuck you're alive!" BamBam exclaimed, rushing over and proceeded to basically collapse onto his knees beside the wheelchair and hugged Chan tightly, "I'm sorry Yugy and I couldn't come to see you; JYP PD-nim wouldn't allow us to see you in the hospital" BamBam nuzzled into his side.

Yugyeom went into the same position on the other side of Chan, resting his head on Chan's lap. Chan felt happiness swell in his chest; happy that his two closest friends cared enough to worry, but that happiness was soon crushed.

Useless

Weak

Amounted to nothing

It's all your fault

You should just die

No one would care

This downward spiral lasted for months. Chan barely ate, rarely talked to anyone except Jisung, and was constantly locking himself in his and Jisung's shared room, refusing to go our anywhere. In this broken state, he resorted to something he regretted every day since he stopped.

Self harm...and smoking.

The pain was just too much, so he'd draw lines with a knife on his arm, but even then, his pain only grew. It wasn't physical pain; it was mental pain. He felt as if he had nothing left to live for, but he gave up with the razor blades and knives, and he turned to cigarettes. They offered some relief from his stresses and internal suffering, and he tried so hard to not get caught by Jisung, but like all things you try to keep hidden, they are always found out.

It took nearly a month, but Chan was caught. Jisung found the half empty pack of cigarette's underneath Chan's pillow, and he confronted his older lover about it.

"Mind explaining these?" Jisung spoke calmly as he held the pack of cigarettes up, but Chan could clearly see the anger in Jisung's eyes.

"I-I was hoping you wouldn't find out about those..." Chan muttered.

"Why?" Jisung's voice wavered as he spoke.

Chan winced, bowing his head in shame.

"I'm sorry Sungie, it's just...it hurts so much" Chan looked up, tears in his eyes, "in here and here" the blonde pointed to his heart and his head.

Jisung's scarily calm expression morphed into one of empathy as he sighed, dropping the pack of cigarettes as he paced over to his blonde lover, climbing onto the older's lap.

"Chan, you know you can always talk to me if you're struggling. You...you know I've been there, I know how fucked up it feels, but I swear, you always have me, Binnie, Lixie, Woojinnie, Hyunjinnie, Minnie, Innie and MinMin" Jisung smiled.

Chan couldn't help but smile then; the young rapper was so cute, especially given the fact that Jisung gave everyone cute little nicknames.

"You are such a child Sungie" Chan chuckled.

"Oh hush, you love me" Jisung giggled, but his expression almost immediately went back to serious, "Channie, they said there's a high chance you may not walk again, but there's still that small chance you could"

"Yeah, a miniscule chance" Chan scoffed.

"Channie, please, you have to at least try...for me?" Jisung whispered, his pleading eyes staring straight into Chan's.

The older felt his resolve crumble, and he nodded. He'd try, for the one he loves.

:::

Chan's first therapy session was nerve wracking. Chan could sort of still feel his legs, though sometimes it did feel like they just weren't there. Jisung went along to support his boyfriend, as did the HyunLix pair.

"So, first off, we're going to see if you can at least move your toes, just a little" the doctor spoke.

Chan nods, willing everything in his body to allow his toes to move, and they did but only just slightly. It didn't hurt, but it felt weird, and Chan knew it would take time for it to feel somewhat normal again.

"Well then...looks like the chance of you walking again has gone up a little, however, you might not be able to walk properly for a few years" the doctor explained.

From there, Chan kept going to therapy sessions, and he was getting somewhat better, but to Chan, out of all those constant therapy sessions over six and a half months, there was one day that stood out to him. It was around the four month mark, and he was finally able to see if he could push himself up and start teaching himself how to walk again. Jisung, Felix and Hyunjin were there, Felix clinging to Hyunjin as he watched Chan push himself up into a standing position using the metal bars that were on either side of him. Jisung stood at the other end of the short length pathway.

"Now , just take small steps towards Jisung okay Chan?" A kind nurse by the name of Syun-Mae spoke softly. 

This nurse had been there since the beginning of Chan's therapy, helping him along with Jisung through his rough periods when he felt like giving up hope. Chan breathed in and out deeply as he took the first step forward. He had to use all his upper body strength to help himself, and although he was quite built as far as his upper body went, it was straining his muscles and it hurt like Hell. It felt like his muscles were on fire, and Chan felt unwanted tears spring to his eyes.

"I-I can't, it hurts" Chan whimpered, looking over to Jisung.

The younger opened his arms, beckoning him to continue. Chan shook his head, a whimper escaping him once again.

"C'mon babe, you can do this; I know you can" Jisung spoke encouragingly.

"Come on mate, keep goin" Felix spoke in English, knowing it would help somewhat.

Chan let out a shaky breath as he took the second step, groaning at the pain his upper body felt. His arms were shaking violently as he took the third step, and he suddenly collapsed, his arms dropping to his sides.

"I can't do it, I can't, i'm sorry" Chan let out a sob, covering his eyes with his hands.

Jisung sighed softly, kneeling down.

"Hey, babe, look at me" Jisung pleaded.

Chan let out a few shaky breaths before he finally looked up, tears rolling slowly down his cheeks.

"I know you can do this, we all know you can. It's gonna take time, but we'll get there, okay? I know you think you're useless, and I know you think that this changes things between us, but it doesn't. I still love you the same as when I first gained a crush on you when I was 13, and i'll still love you even if you can never walk again. I'll never leave you behind Channie, so please keep going. Keep trying. Be strong, for me, and for yourself" Jisung spoke as he stared into Chan's teary eyes.

Chan felt a surge of determination wash over him like a tsunami, and he huffed as he grabbed onto the metal poles, pushing himself up with a frown of determination set on his face. So, he took the fourth step, and the fifth step, and the sixth, getting closer and closer to his goal, to his lover...

To Jisung.

The younger had happy tears welling up in his eyes, and a proud smile on his face. Felix was in a similar state, although because of his soft self, Felix was already crying happy tears. Hyunjin was smiling too, and silently wishing he was filming this momentous moment. When Chan was finally close enough to Jisung, the younger allowing just a couple of tears slip past. Chan collapsed onto Jisung then, wrapping his arms around his lovers shoulders to hold himself up. He felt like he had accomplished something, and Jisung felt pride swell in his chest.

"I did it 'Sungie. I made it all the way" Chan sniffled as he buried his face in Jisung's neck.

"Yeah babe, you made it. I'm so proud of you"

:::

Time skip! 1 year later...

Day by day, Chan's strength he once had before the accident was slowly coming back. He had to use crutches to get around, which was annoying as hell sometimes, but he grew used to it. 3RACHA fans were supporting Chan in any way possible, like trending hashtags, messages of support through his personal Instagram and Twitter and signs showing their undying love and support towards Chan at concerts in the ways of various coloured signs.

Chan was forever grateful towards his fans because they helped his low self esteem to rise, but only one person could make him strong enough to keep going. Only one person gave him the strength to pull himself out of the darkness he sometimes found himself in.

That person was Han Jisung.

True to the younger words, Jisung never left him, and although the younger became frustrated when Chan dug himself into a figurative hole and wouldn't come out for days on end, he stuck by Chan despite that, because Jisung knew that Chan could fight through this. Jisung gave Chan the strength to quit smoking and to stop harming himself, although sometimes Jisung would unfortunately find one or two new cuts every now and again when Chan's internal struggle became too much.

But, at the end of the day, Chan was stronger than he had ever been before, all thanks to his lover Jisung...

Akfjejhdjdnd I finally finished it lol this was actually quite difficult to write ngl, but I hope you guys enjoyed it!