We might not know why, we might not know how

But baby, tonight, we're beautiful now

We'll light up the sky, we'll open the clouds

Cause baby, tonight, we're beautiful now

Beautiful Now, Zedd

Arundhati's POV

I couldn't not say anything any longer. I could make out ever since we left the hospital that Neil was in two minds, and I didn't want him to be. Of course, I was scared. Of telling him the truth, that is. I didn't know how he would react, and that alone was enough to stop me. But after what had happened in the living area today...

He had wanted to take my side, I knew, when he taunted Michael, but he was so way off...and it was because I had only told him half the truth.

I had never been able to tell anyone the truth. I had always only said that I caught Michael with a partner...that's all I had ever said.

A sob broke out, violently racking my chest as I finally apologised to him in the dark. Of course, he told me it wasn't my fault, but oh my god he didn't know. And he didn't know because I didn't tell him.

It was all my fault.

I felt an arm snake around my waist, and I jerked to see him sitting behind me on the bed, a worried look on his face. In the shadows, his cut lip looked even more grotesque.

"I'm s...s...sorry" I managed as I sat up, accidently putting weight on my sprained wrist and flinching.

"It's okay"

"It's not" I couldn't bring myself to look him in the eye. "I wasn't completely honest with you."

Predictable silence met my words. I mustered courage to look up, only to see him resting his head on the headboard, eyes closed. His arm was still on my waist.

"Tell me the truth, then" he murmured gently.

**

When I married Michael, I did it for love. For him and for George. I loved them like I never loved anyone else. We were happy in our marriage, at least I thought I was.

You see, Michael was always touchy about the fact that he was twelve years senior to me. He didn't like me talking to other younger men. At first, I thought it was petty jealousy, and frankly, I am ashamed to admit it, but it turned me on. I loved it.

He would always say that he didn't flirt with other women, and I should make sure I don't flirt with other men. I didn't mind it – he actually never messed around with other women.

Our relationship...was never...very physical. He loved me, and I loved him, but we...never...made love often. Occasionally. Once in weeks.

I had never been involved with anyone before him. I thought it was normal. I grew up in India, like you. People aren't demonstrative there...you know that. I thought it was okay. But I was bored. I had a job, I was around males my age all day. They talked about their girlfriends, their wives. The women talked of their boyfriends, their husbands. Soon, I understood that we were not only undemonstrative, we were...frigid.

What I thought was love...wasn't really love. It was comfort. Maybe I wanted him to get jealous about me like he used to before. It had been three years. Maybe we were getting...cold.

So one day, when he offered to come pick me up from work, I found this guy from work, and decided to flirt a bit. Just to see if he would warn me off like he used to. I swear, it was harmless, really. I wanted some heat in our relationship.

It worked...in fact, it worked too well. Michael caught hold of my hand and dragged me out. He refused to talk to me on the way back. He refused to believe me when I said that I hadn't meant anything. He was always insecure about our age difference, and my stupid idea really did him in. He yelled at me when we got home. Said all kinds of things, that I was doing this all along, that I didn't love him, and that I was in it for the money.

I lost my cool and jabbed him back with what hurt him the most. I told him that maybe he was too old, maybe I was bored with such an old, serious guy. His previous wife had left him for a younger man...it bit into him. He slapped me hard, just like he punched you today. I collapsed onto the floor.

He apologised immediately, said he really wasn't thinking, that I goaded him too much. He apologised for doubting me, for calling me a gold-digger.

I shoved him away, and ran. I wanted to be far, far away from him. Tears hazing out everything in front of me, I made for the stairs. Look at my luck...I missed a step. You saw the grand staircase today...I slipped somewhere near the mid-landing. I tumbled down half a flight and hit my head on the side table.

I lost consciousness. I woke up in a hospital room, with Charlotte next to me. Michael was sitting in one corner, weeping his head off. Lottie looked spent out. I tried to sit up, told them I was fine, but she simply shook her head. I didn't even know what was going on till a doctor finally came.

I had been apparently eight weeks pregnant. I'm not...regular...I thought it was stress. And besides, I never had those apparent tell-tale symptoms like vomiting and tiredness and swollen joints and all that.

I lost the child, that's what happened.

Michael was devastated. I was in shock, I think. I told him I couldn't live in the same house any more, not where I had to see his face every day. He understood. Maybe I should have tried to work it out, but the thing is, he never met my eyes. His guilt sparked off my guilt.

I went to New York on a job offer. I set up a home there, on my own. Michael offered to help, but I told him I wanted a break from our marriage. I was tired of role-playing, of being this boring little obedient wife. I wanted to do something for my career.

A couple of months later, George called me on the phone with the help of Martha, our housekeeper. He said he was missing me, couldn't I swing by this weekend? I said sure, why not? I skyped him almost every day, but I wanted to go back home and see if Mickey and I could patch things over.

Mickey was nowhere to be seen when I reached. Edward told me he was in a meeting in his home office, the one right next to our room. I shrugged, sure; he must be working, like he always was. I went up to our room, planning to freshen up and then surprise him.

I was the one who got the surprise, for on the bed was a naked man cuddling with my sleeping husband.

No, Neil, Mickey didn't cheat on me with some hussy. He was with a man.

Mickey's bisexual.

**

I didn't even realise that I was crying.

It was only when I finished my narration that I felt warm tears coursing down my face. Three years, and the pain hadn't dulled one bit. Three years, and I still took anti-depressants. I thought of whether to tell Neil about that too, but I figured that this much was enough for one day.

Besides, he was unnaturally quiet. I turned towards him, but his eyes were closed and his mouth lax, as if he was asleep.

I couldn't believe it.

Here I was, telling him my past and he went to sleep?

"No, I'm not sleeping" he mumbled, opening his eyes, "I'm just processing it."

Oh.

Okay then.

"So yeah...that's why...I'm sorry" I repeated, my face aflame now, "I should've told you, but I never saw a reason why, and-"

"Were you ever going to tell me if we hadn't landed up here?" he looked me in the eye.

Instinctively, I looked away, "I...don't know..."

"You were ready to spend the rest of your life with me without telling me about what happened to you?" he was furious now, but he tried his best to keep it under check.

"Oh yeah?" I swung around, "How come you've never told me about your past? You've had girlfriends, why don't you ever talk about them?"

"And what would that achieve?" his voice was pained.

"I told you the truth" I repeated stubbornly, "it's your turn now."

"It's late-"

"What are you hiding, Neil?"

He stared back at me levelly for a few moments. This time, I didn't break eye contact.

He sighed, shook his head in dejection, and began.

**

I came to the US after I got my bachelors' degree from IIT-Mumbai. I wanted to get into advanced structures, applied to Stanford and got in too. My housemate was doing his masters in history, and Karen was his batchmate. She came over often, and that's how it began.

Pretty soon, we realized we weren't going to work. There was simply no magic. Well, she thought there was no magic. I was head over heels in love with her. Before the year was out, she left me for some tattooed bad boy. Clichéd, isn't it. Girl leaves the simpleton from India for a biker-type.

Anyway, I was crushed, but I carried on.

I met Stacie when I was twenty-six. I was older, more mature. She was a lawyer. We worked great together. By now, Shantanu was in LA too. He lived a few blocks away with some friend of his. He would always tell me to do something great, like a grand gesture to declare my love for her.

Since Karen had left because I was too boring for her, I was scared Stacie would too. I tried as much as I could, but I personally was not a big fan of demonstrative love. I loved her, and she knew it, did I have to demonstrate it in grand ways?

Anyway, what I didn't know was the reason why Shantanu kept asking me to do something grand. Thing is, Stacie was two timing me with none other than Tanu's housemate. He knew...he knew all along that she was screwing some guy behind my back, but all he ever did was tell me to pay attention to her and show her how much I love her.

I decided, when I turned twenty-eight, that the time was right. She was twenty-six now, and we would be great together. I decided to act upon what Tanu had said.

Stacie had always loved fairytales, so one weekend, we went off to Disneyland. I arranged for a dinner after closing hours, I called our friends to come for the celebration, and I got the characters to do a performance just for us.

She was over the moon, telling me how much she loved it...how much she loved me...till I got onto one knee. I took her hand, popped out the ring, and recited the quote I told you about – "I do not ask you to love me like this always, but remember, deep within, there will always be the man that loves you like I love you tonight."

She shook head once. I thought she couldn't believe it, that she was overwhelmed. I could see our friends, who had been hiding up till now, coming out of the shadows to congratulate us. The characters were standing by, waiting for her answer.

She said no.

In front of everyone who knew us, and all the fictional characters of Disneyland, she told me that she could never marry me because she didn't believe in marriage.

She told me that she was going to tell me soon that we weren't working out, because I was actually expecting something from our relationship, and she wasn't. Besides, she was in love with someone else...someone who understood that she didn't want to be...tied down.

Then she turned and spotted Tanu.

"I thought he would've told you by now" she told me.

She kissed me on my cheek, wished me well, and walked out of my life.

**

"There. Happy now?" Neil's voice dripped with fury, but his features looked old, like narrating this had made him ten years older.

Cautiously, I reached out for his hand that lay on his lap. He looked up minutely as our fingers touched, and he sighed.

"I told you it would achieve nothing to listen to my story" he shook his head, "Except perhaps bring down whatever impression you have of me. I was a wimp...anyway, after Michael's punch it was already established that I was a wuss, a wimp-"

"I was thinking of what you told me when you...proposed to me" I cleared my throat, cutting him off, "It wasn't all that demonstrative-"

"Yeah, I said-"

"But I understood what you meant perfectly" I offered a small smile, "You promised to be my rock."

"Yes..."

"Then let me assure you, Neil, that you are no wuss. What you did for her...it would be any fairytale-lover's absolute dream. Sometimes, the Gods conspire against you. Sometimes, we conspire against ourselves. For as long as we live, I promise to always understand you, even if you're not demonstrative. As long as you're there with me, nothing scares me. Not even my future. You asked me to give you a chance, and I did. This time, I'm asking for a chance."

**

And I can smell something about to happen....do you get that premonition too?

Anyway,

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Till the next one, I rest,

Ellanie:)