Trigger Warning: mentions of depression, suicide, anxiety, panic attack

Andy left Remington asleep in his bed to go to work, arriving just after eight. He made coffee in the staff kitchen and sipped it while he continued with the new dress designs, trying Remington's suggestion of just one sleeve. 

At nine, his employees started arriving, and he watched from the corner of his eye as Erin took her jacket off and sat down. She had called him last night, just as he stepped through the front door, and he'd ignored it, too exhausted to care about what she'd have to say. 

As expected, she knocked on his door shortly after nine, and he called her in. 

"You didn't answer your phone last night," she said. 

"No, I didn't. Was it an emergency?" 

"No, but-" 

"Erin. My mobile number is for emergencies only. Anything that's not an emergency can wait until office hours. What were you calling about" 

She didn't give an answer. 

"You know what," Andy said. "Go and do your work. Consider this your first warning. Two more and you're gone. Understood?" As he spoke, Remington's words returned to him. All this boss man stuff, I almost bought it. He was right, of course. Andy's persona as a boss was barely how he really was. He hated telling people they'd done something wrong, but his company was his life and he'd put everything into it. One of the only things he hated more than telling people they'd done something wrong was allowing them to mess up his hard work. 

"I'm really sorry," Erin said. 

"Here's how it is. I'm gonna lay it down for you real quick." Andy leant back in his chair. "My company is my pride and joy. I started it when I was barely an adult and I didn't stop for anyone. People told me it wouldn't get anywhere, because who wants men wearing dresses? They were wrong, of course. I proved them wrong. Because I worked hard, Erin. I worked ridiculously hard. I put everything into this company, and so you should be able to understand why, as the creator of this whole thing, I am not happy to have my newest member of in-office staff spending more time googling and calling me than actually doing the work I hired you for. Your job is vital for running this company. Finance is arguably the most important aspect of this. Without finance, there's no money, and without money, every single person involved has no income. Me included. You included. So next time you think it's okay to waste company time on the internet looking up the meaning of my tattoos or the colour I dyed my hair in 2015, think about how you're effecting everyone. Yourself included." 

Erin was looking down, quiet. 

Andy picked up a pen, clicked it. "Please don't let yourself down. I can easily hire a new finance director. You can't easily get a new job, not if you've been fired by me. Remember that." 

* * * 

"I don't think I'm spiralling anymore," he told Abigail later as he sat down. "At least, not to my immediate knowledge." 

"I'm glad to hear that." 

"Maybe it's just a temporary thing." 

"What makes you think that?" 

"Well, Remington slept in my bed with me last night. Nothing, like, happened, before you ask. He had his brothers around, they want me dead, understandably, and once they'd gone to bed, he came to say goodnight. That was his excuse, anyway. I think he was checking up on me." 

"It sounds like you two are getting on well." 

"Very well. He's very sweet. He knew I was stressed out last night. You know, because of Erin and her constant googling of me. And I told him about the suicide thing, so..." 

"You did? How did that go?" 

"Pretty much exactly how I wanted it to go." 

"Explain it to me." 

"I don't know. He just listened and then we moved on to something else. Like, he didn't make it out as the end of the world, you know?" 

"Sure." 

"Anyway. He came in my room last night to say goodnight, and I asked him about a design for a new dress, and then when he was sitting next to me, I realised how badly I needed physical affection." 

"And you feel better now that you've had physical affection." 

"Yes. Of course. Plus he's adorable, anyone would feel better after hugging him." 

"Biersack, you are such a softy." 

"Oi, shush." 

"It's really good you're getting on so well. I'm glad he's giving you things to smile about." 

Andy hummed.

"You said his brothers want you dead? How's that making you feel?" 

"Still like I wanna die, but less like it than the last time." 

"And we're still suicidal, I gather?" 

"We're still sometimes suicidal." 

"How often is sometimes?" 

"Basically, as long as things are going okay, you know, with work and with Remington and whatever, I'm fine. But if something goes wrong, like, if Erin keeps pulling this shit, or if me and Remington were to argue, I'd be not fine. So basically I'm on a very high ledge, but I'm a few steps back from the edge and I'll remain a few steps back unless someone decides they want to see me fall off." 

"Is that someone in a literal or metaphorical sense?" 

"You mean do I have someone in mind who might push me off?" 

Abigail nodded. 

"Yes, of course. Erin." 

"And are there any ways you're expecting her to do so?" 

"I think she secretly wants to push me off." 

"Why do you think that?" 

Andy sighed thoughtfully. "Well," he begun. "She knows how important my company is to me, I think she's wasting my time on purpose." 

"Why?" 

"Because she wants to stress me out and make me tired so that I'll pay less attention to what she's doing." 

"What is it that she's doing?" 

"She keeps going on the same websites. You know, the magazines about my two suicides. Reading the same things like a lunatic. But it's fine. If she keeps doing it, I'll just fire her. No one will wanna hire her after seeing she was fired by me."

"How are you dealing with this?"

"How? By having a million panic attacks."

"How about coping strategies?"

"A million panic attacks."

"Andy."

He folded his arms and huffed, but she had a point. He didn't have any healthy coping mechanisms.