CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE.
i want to be a better man.

LENNON.

               It had been a week since we amputated Coach Stratford's arm—and he was on the road to recovery. Somehow, perhaps a miracle, he had survived the fever that came as his body fought against the loss of his limb. We nursed him each night, taking turns to make sure he was well fed and hydrated and before we knew it, he was up and moving again. He barely spoke to us though, except for thanking us for what we had done—which had been a bit of a surprise. I hadn't imagined he would thank us for cutting off his arm, but I assumed he was just thankful for being alive.

                    We had been eating the stag every night, mixing it with whatever we had in storage. It was giving us all a bit more energy, the meat giving us the nutrients we needed to function. We had also done some target practice—well, those of us that wanted to learn did. Ivy and Brooke were our teachers, and surprisingly, Brooke was actually pretty good at it. But I supposed that made a lot of sense. She had shot one of the creatures straight through the head. It had been a clean shot, one only someone with experience would have. After we inquired about it, she told us she used to go pheasant shooting with her father all the time.

                   We hadn't heard the creatures over those seven days. It was as if they had fell off the face of the earth, but we all knew better than that. We had set up some safety measures around camp, tying vines together with cutlery dangling from them as a makeshift trip-wire. If the creatures tried to get into the perimeter of our camp, we should be alerted of their presence. Slowly but surely, our camp was starting to come together.

                   I had spent a lot of my week worrying when the feeling of paranoia would begin to creep in. But it didn't. Despite being off my medication, I was feeling alright—in fact, I was feeling pretty fucking good. I began questioning everything. Perhaps the doctors had been wrong. Maybe it was just a blip in my life. Maybe I was okay now. I knew it was hopeful thinking, but I really wanted it to be true. And since I hadn't had any episodes, I was choosing to live deep inside the delusion that I was going to be okay.

                     I was standing with Maggie, hanging the clothes we had freshly washed on the clothes-line. We had been chatting together for a while. Maggie's period has started unexpectedly—probably brought on early from all of the stress. She had been embarrassed coming to me, asking if we could go to the creak to wash up her underwear that had been stained with a little blood before she had realised her period had started. I had immediately agreed, not wanting her to feel embarrassed about something she couldn't help.

              Luckily for us, the majority of the group had brought pads and tampons, just in case. We were stocked for a good while. Imani was on the implant, meaning she no longer got a period, meanwhile Brooke was on the contraceptive pill, which would last her for at least another month. But that meant the rest of us just had to suck it up and deal. I'd had mine just before leaving for Nationals, meaning I was okay for another few weeks. But I dreaded the day the cramps would come; it would make doing the daily but difficult tasks around camp much harder.

                 "Those painkillers kicked in yet?" I asked Maggie as I threw one of Abby's T-shirts over the line, adjusting it so the hot wind would hit it at the right angle.

                  Maggie gave me a smile, her dimples showing, "Yeah, I feel much better," She told me, tucking her light-brown curly hair out of her face. "It just sucks. I thought we would have been reduced by now. The last thing I wanted was to get my period here." She said, her smile turning downwards into a frown.

                   "Yeah," I sighed. "I thought so too, Mags." Truthfully, I had stopped thinking about when rescue would come. We were at the two weeks mark of being on the island. If there had been a search party for us, they would have put everything into that first week. I assumed by now, people would have started to lose hope, including our families. But I hoped they were still searching, that they believed in us enough to think we were still out there. I didn't want to think about being given up on.

                  "You think it's coming? Rescue?" Maggie asked me in a small voice, nimbly hanging up a pair of socks. We had tried to wash them the best we could, but the previously white socks had taken over a colour of grey we couldn't pull.

                  I bit down on my bottom lip, turning to look at Maggie. I didn't have the heart to tell her that our chances were now very slim. Rescue could very well still be looking for us, but if they weren't searching in the right place, they would eventually have to give up. And when they did, we would be stuck here forever. That was something that was hard to come to terms with, that this was our life now. Even though we had began to adapt, it was sickening. We were young—so fucking young. If we were to live out here for the rest of our lives, we could kiss everything we ever dreamed of goodbye.

                    My silence made Maggie's eyes water and she quickly diverted her gaze. I quickly sprung to say something, "Don't give up, Mags," I told her, reaching out to put my hand on her shoulder. She looked up at me, tears coating her lower lashes. "We have people back home who love us very much. They won't give up on us, alright? They'll keep looking." I assured her, even though I wasn't so sure myself.

                 Maggie sniffled, rubbing at her dainty little nose. It felt like forever ago when she had hurt it on the field, playing the game that would eventually take us to where we were now, "Shouldn't we be doing something?" She asked me in a small voice. At my quizzical gaze, she went on. "I mean, we're deep in the forest here. How are they going to find us? Shouldn't we be trying to give some kind of signal? Build a fire? Use logs to do one of those S.O.S signs?" I cursed myself inwardly for not thinking of that sooner. I had been so focused on the here and now, on all the problems we had faced to even contemplate what we could do to help a search party find us.

                  "We can do that," I agreed, nodding my head, making Maggie smile. "We can head out tomorrow, alright? Go down to the beach and put out an S.O.S sign." I suggested. Things in camp had been going well enough that I was confident we could take a break from our tasks to start trying to find a way back home. It might have been futile now, at the two weeks mark, but we had to at least try.

                 Maggie sighed in content before wrapping me in a hug. I hugged her back, my arms around her tiny body, "Thank you, Lennon." She said, rubbing at my back and I smiled, giving her body a squeeze.

               "Abby, it's not gonna work." I heard Imani say from the left of us, making both Maggie and I glance over to where they were sitting close to the fire.

                 "It's gonna work." Abby was saying in determination, slumped over something whilst Imani painted her toenails red from beside her. Brooke and Imani had been the two to keep up appearances the most. However, the last week, we had all began to bathe frequently and even put a bit of mascara on our lashes if we felt like it. It was the closest we could get to being normal again.

                   Maggie and I exchanged curious glances before heading towards to the two girls. Upon reaching them, I realised that Abby had an old iPod in her hand—which was a flashback to the past. I hadn't seen one of them in years. In fact, June had lost mine when I was younger and then blamed it on me, which had caused a huge war in the Sawyer residence. My mom eventually got it out of her that she was the one who lost it, which ended in a temper tantrum on June's behalf. But we had been friends again before the night was over.

                 A laugh rumbled from June's throat as she approached us. She had DIY cropped the sleeves of her leather jacket when she got bored the other night. We had started to do shit like that, small projects that took our mind off the fact we no longer had our phones to scroll endlessly on. I was missing it, I couldn't lie. I wondered what exactly was going on in the world right now and which TikToker had been cancelled.

                  "Abby, where the fuck did you find that relic?" She asked, settling her hand on her boney hips. Stubbornly, she was still wearing her black jeans, though, she had ripped holes in the knees for some air.

                   "It's mine," Abby said, her tongue sticking out as she fiddled with the iPod. She had opened up the inside to tinker away at it, making me concerned she was going to electrocute herself if it still had battery. "I always take it with me when I fly cause the signal on my phone gets really shit. I forgot all about it though, but since this week has been super fucking quiet, I remembered I had it." She explained, her eyes focused on the device.

                   "It's a little water damaged from the storm. But I'm sure I can fix it." She said with confidence. A part of me didn't doubt that. Abby wasn't exactly an engineer, but she was incredibly stubborn when she put her mind to things. And she had recharged some of Imani's dead Vapes in the past by opening up the inside and charging them with an android charger. We had been at soccer camp when Imani's previous Vapes had died on her. Abby had made it her mission to revive them. I wondered how Imani was doing without the nicotine, but then again, she had never been the addiction type of person. Sometimes she just done things for the sake of it.

                      "Okay, Tony Stark," June laughed, throwing her hands up and taking a step back. "Eden's gonna start cooking dinner soon. Try not to blow yourself up in the meantime." She said, continuing to chuckle as she backed away, heading to where Eden was coming out of the plane. The two had gotten pretty close recently, along with Ethan. When I wasn't with June, at least one of them was.

                      Abby popped her head up for the first time, "Thanks for having faith in me, Juniper!" She called after her, making June wave her hand dismissively over her shoulder with a smile. 

                    "What songs do you even have on there, anyway? Avril Lavigne? Blink 182?" Imani teased Abby, hinting at how ancient the iPod in her hands was. I personally, still had a lot of Avril on my Spotify playlist. She never went out of date.

                  "Eat me, asshole." Abby grumbled, but there was a playful hint to her voice.

                  I smiled as I observed. Somehow, the last week had became calm. We were no longer as on edge as we previously had been. Each of us had loosened up a little and it allowed us to return to the people we had been before the crash—or at least, as close as we possibly could. We smiled more, laughed more too. It was easier to be lighthearted when we had medicine, food, water and weren't worrying about the monsters lurking in the woods. We had almost grown content at our situation, but not too content; because that would mean giving up, and some of us weren't ready for that.

                  Everyone gathered for dinner once Eden finished cooking. There was a lot of chatter around the campfire, everyone finding their voices again. I was sandwiched on the log between Imani and Brooke, waiting as Eden served us dinner. It was the stag again, though, she had made it into a stew this time, using beef stock cubes. It was things we hadn't previously even thought about using, but now with the stag meat, we had something to make it with.

                   I was granted my bowl. I didn't bother using the spoon I had been given and instead, raised the bowl to my lips and took a long sip. The flavours partially erupted into my mouth like a volcano. A groan escaped the back of my throat, "Eden, you are thee Master Chef." I announced, licking the flavour off of my lips, earning a giggle on Eden's behalf.

                   "I'm just making do with what we have," She humbly told me, giving a shrug of her shoulders, though she was smiling gratefully. She nodded to where Ivy was sitting, slurping up the stew the same way I had. "The real hero here is Ivy for blessing us with these meals." She turned the tables, taking the heat off of her, always being so bashful about being shown any gratitude.

                  Ivy held her hand up, waving it in the air, "That's me, the man of the house, the true provider—you know, Ethan, you really gotta step up your game, bro." Her voice was playful as she turned her attention towards Ethan who had the largest portion out of the group. It only made sense, he was the largest, therefore, he needed the most sustenance.

                 Ethan chuckled under his breath, scooping up the strew with his spoon, holding his bowl under his mouth, "I wouldn't wanna compete with the man of the house." He said, making everyone around him laugh, including Ivy. It seemed like the last week had really brought us together. No more of the Pirates versus Devils bullshit. We were a team.

                    "Abby, stop tinkering with that thing and eat your dinner." Brooke suddenly said, giving Abby a nudge who was sitting on the floor beneath her, still fiddling with the broken iPod.

                    Abby scoffed, settling the iPod down in the dirt and picking up her bowl, "Okay, mom." She grumbled, making me laugh under my breath.

                   We all ate, talking about this, that and the next thing. Imani asked if she should cut her hair, to which she received many different replies. I told her not to, since the last time she spontaneously cut her hair, she had immediately regretted it and wore wigs for four months. Abby told her to cut it all off, which gained the middle finger from Imani.

                   We talked like that, laughing and joking around before Coach Stratford came out of the plane. I noticed him over June's shoulder, who had been speaking about how pissed off she was the new Doc Martin's she ordered would have arrived by now and that she wouldn't be able to wear them—or have the beloved smell of fresh leather. We were all laughing at her dramatics when Coach stopped behind her, looking out of place in our group.

                  He reached up, scratching the back of his head, his other arm still in the sling. His arrival had cast us into a silence as we stared at him, wondering what he planned on saying. He had been fairly quiet for the most part, staying inside the plane most days except for when he would get up to stretch his legs. Evie would usually accompany him. But he hadn't sat with us to have dinner yet in a group setting.

                 "I, uh," He began saying, looking around our faces. "Can I have all of your attention for a moment?" He asked us almost timidly, as if he were the school kid and we were the adults.

                  Evie gave him a big smile, wrapping her arms around her knees, "Sure, Coach. What's up?" She asked him, always the friendly face.

                  Coach Stratford swayed on his feet, avoiding eye contact with all of us, looking anywhere but our faces, "I just wanted to apologise for my behaviour before—and not just to my girls, but to the Pirates too," He began saying. As if through our twin bond, June and I looked at each other at the same time. "I'm supposed to be the adult here and I've left you kids to fend for yourselves out here. It was incredibly selfish of me and I'm sorry." He profoundly apologised, finally meeting our eyes as we stared back at him.

                    "But I wanna step up, if that's alright with each of you—I want to be a better man, if you'll give me the chance." We all looked around each other, exchanging glances.

                    Ivy slapped her knees and got to her feet, "Well, I think it's pretty clear we can take care of ourselves out here," She began saying, a grin on her lips as she walked toward him. Coach Stratford took a look around at the camp we had built, pulling a face that showed he agreed. Ivy looked up at him. "But you're our Coach, we're always gonna need you, old man." She told him earnestly.

                   Coach Stratford's eyes filled with tears, glossing over as he blinked back, "Thank you, Ivy." He pulled her into an embrace and she didn't argue. Ivy didn't seem like the type of person who liked physical touch—but it had been clear to me from the start that she cared a lot about her Coach, even when he was acting like an asshole.

                   Coach Stratford sniffled, "And I'm sorry about Nora—Hailey too. They were good girls." His eyes met mine when he spoke, as if acknowledging how I had stepped up in his stead. He was supposed to be the adult, the one to keep us safe, but he hadn't. We had to do it ourselves. I briefly remembered him yelling in my face, telling me I was only a child and that I couldn't protect anyone. But even after Nora and Hailey, I would still try my best to protect everyone—and Coach Stratford recognised that.

                  Evie jumped up, running to hug her Coach. He embraced her with his good arm, resting his chin on the top of her head. Kitty got up next, she gave his fist a playful bump, "Welcome back, Coach." She said with a grin, earning a big smile on his behalf.

                   Tucking Evie under his shoulder, he turned to the rest of us—the Pirates. He took in each of our faces, his eyes still teary, "I know you girls don't know me, but I really want to make it up to you. Anything you need, just ask," None of us said anything, but we gave nods. Coach Stratford's gaze drifted to Ethan who had continued eating his stew. "And Ethan, I want to say thank you for carrying me back here. I really appreciate it." For the first time, Ethan looked up from his bowl, his brown eyes landing on Coach Stratford.

                     He settled his soup down on the tree stump we had been using as a table and got to his feet. I found myself tense up. Ethan approached Coach Stratford, "You don't have to thank me," He said, stopping in front of the older man. He rolled his shoulders back. "I didn't do it for you. I did it for your girls." His voice was bitter as he held Coach Stratford's gaze who nodded slowly, taking in his words. Ethan might have helped save his life, but he hasn't forgiven him yet.

                    Ethan marched off towards the plane and June hurriedly got up, chasing after him. I watched them go, coming to the realisation that they had really been there for each other recently. It made me smile a little before I turned my attention back to Coach Stratford.

                    "You wanna sit down? Eden made stew—it's pretty good." I offered, gesturing to the log Ethan and June had previously been sitting on.

                   Coach Stratford's eyes lit up with a smile, "I'd love to."

( authors note )

            hi.... it's been ages, I know, but I always forget that I have pre written chapters just chilling in the drafts! i've been struggling sm recently when it comes to writing, however, I started a silly little fic a few weeks ago that I ever planned on posting (until I literally wrote over 50 chapters already) so that should be published soon and I know it's not this book, but I'm just glad to be back in the swing of writing and hopefully I'll be able to write more for this book too bc it's literally my baby <3

               the fanfic is a chuuya nakahara one from bungo stray dogs if anyone is interested and it should be posted pretty soon bc it's almost complete :))!

                 — taylor xx