╱╲❀╱╲╱╲❀╱╲╱╲❀╱╲

Cherry blossoms are blooming

The winter is ending

I miss you I miss you

If I wait a little longer

If I stay up a few more nights, I'll go see you

I'll go pick you up

╲╱❀╲╱╲╱❀╲╱╲╱❀╲╱

__

It's unfair how spring came directly after his death. Well, "death." I wasn't sure if it would be the first or the second since the only Jung Hoseok I knew was the ghost version. But even so, it was incredibly unfair that flowers started blooming in his wake, that spring didn't even hold its breath to mourn him. The sky should be crying alongside me. The clouds should've screamed with me. There shouldn't be sunshine kissing the skin of citizens or a light fragrance to the air.

But, I know, this is what he would've wanted. So maybe, the universe is only listening to his wish.

And it occurred to me one day on one of those fine spring mornings that I realized no one else on this earth would know that side of Jung Hoseok. A quick googling would show no traces of his family backstory, and neither did it show his inner thoughts and struggles.

I, along with a few other people, would die along with Hoseok's true self.

It pained me. It pained me incredibly to suddenly carry the burden of keeping my mind in perfect condition so I won't get amnesia and lose parts of Hoseok. It pained me the most when I stumbled in the rain toward Namjoon's library, tears staining my cheeks and bawling out, asking what color his eyes were.

And after that, I was scared. I was terrified of the possibilities. What if I forget him? No matter how concrete a memory is, the minutiae of the scene would still start slipping away from your mind years or even weeks later...Would I forget his dimples? His laugh? His smile? I couldn't bear to think that. I couldn't begin to even think of forgetting even a slight, subtle detail.

Death never stops for anyone. More people in my life will die. Would my head have enough space for all of their details?

I didn't want to find out.

And so, I started writing a long letter. A love letter, possibly. Perhaps to the moon, or to the sun, or even to myself. And maybe even to him.

But then, after pouring every ounce of me into it, I would burn it.

And then I would write it all over again, like the tragic tale of the phoenix, setting itself aflame to die only to be reborn and suffer the same cycle all over again. It was the only way I could get over him. By subjecting myself to an endless sequence of reliving memories, it was the only way I could ensure the memories of him stuck with me.

Or at least, I thought it would be.

Hoseok's small cottage ahead comes into clearing as I take each step with careful consideration. Everything is the same. The flowers are still beautiful, the house is still immaculate, and it's like the world moved on.

The blue and grey road that took me here...how much did it change again? I can't recall. Maybe there a new spill there. Did someone decorate the edges with painted rocks? Or was it still unchanging?

I thought about burning my letter there, but I realized I didn't want to leave behind ashes and soot.

The Jingle of metal keys in my palm brings back a wave of sentimentality. It's only been a few weeks, but the events that occurred almost seem as if they were from decades ago. Like age-old tales of tragedy told through the wind and to anyone who would listen.

Nostalgia pierces my heart when I see the balcony where he once stood, welcoming me into this warm haven as if I belonged here. I gingerly walk toward the railing. The wounds on my heart are fresh, but standing here isn't the salt that tears it further.

What stung my heart was when something rectangular peered out at me from the corner of my eye, resting on a side table in the corner where there was still a roof over it.

Curiosity gets the best of me as I pick it up, quickly realizing it's a phone. And what's more, already opened to a file.

A voice recording.

I press play before hesitation swallows my interest.

At first, there is silence, but then, an unknown instrument plays through the speakers.

"A seaside melody?" I wonder out loud.

But I am wrong. Wrong in the best way possible. Wrong in an incredibly right way.

What greets me for the rest of the song isn't just a cheerful instrumental; a cheerful, but longing voice accompanies it. A song of mint leaves and white wisps of clouds.

A song of spring.

"I miss you," the phone sings out, "And saying it makes me miss you even more. I miss you."

It's Hoseok's voice. It's the song he sang when we first met--when he encaptured me in a world of fairy tales and magic and a feeling of warm snow.

"Snowflakes are falling, getting farther away."

Ah, the chorus!

It reverberates through the air and causes a foreign emotion to rise in my chest. It's the first line of the song I heard clearly from Hoseok's lips. It's funny how the song meant two entirely different things from back and now.

And it's funny how it still holds the same exact meaning, if not more.

"You know it all; You're my best friend. The morning will come again."

While the song plays, I clutch the newly written letter: a thirty-four paged long piece of literature in my hand and stride to the balcony, leaning on it. Just like he did. Just like the first time we met.

"Because no darkness nor season can last forever."

I take out a lighter, and the letter crinkles in my hand as I edge the paper toward the flame, envisioning it turning into a butterfly of charcoal and death.

"Cherry blossoms are blooming. The winter is ending."

"I miss you. I miss you," I sing along with the song.

The paper isn't lighting and I wonder if it's the rain.

"If I wait for a little longer, if I stay up a few more nights, I'll go see you. I'll come to embrace you."

I give up on trying to set my letter aflame and instead focus solely on the song.

It isn't fair how fast things moved on. It just isn't right how fate only made us meet for a few fleeting moments.

My ears perk up as this part of the song is reoccurring, except, this time, Hoseok sings with overflowing emotion. The tears somehow manage to prick through and stream alongside the pouring rain.

"Past the end of this cold winter, until the spring comes again, until the flowers bloom again, stay there a little longer."

Oh, how precious the memories were! How much it felt like to be a child again to be with him! Living in pure bliss encased with fantasies and promises of happily ever afters! But it's like how Hoseok said: stories without those said happy endings are remembered more. The agony of the unrequited love resides in the hearts of listeners and never leaves.

I finish the song alongside Hoseok in a gust of breath and unspoken feelings, almost yelling at the top of my lungs at this point to compete with the rain, "Stay there."

The song stops, and I do as well.

The phone rests safely on its little table-pedestal, away from the rain while I, standing away from the safety of the roofing, only continue to get soaked.

But it only makes me feel as if I were meeting Hoseok for the first time again.

I only knew him for a year, but it's a year I will never forget.

But then, through the sparkling rain, I see something.

No, someone.

And then, as the sun slowly peeks out from its safe place behind the clouds, its golden rays shine on you, dear reader.

The person standing before me is you, dear reader.

I suddenly feel a bit embarrassed. Did you hear my singing, dear reader? Did you connect with the lyrics, dear reader? And the streaks of water trailing down your face...are they tears, rain, or a mixture of both, dear reader?

...Would it be alright if I find out, dear reader?

"So this is how it ended up playing out," I thought with a faint smile on my face.

Indeed, now, I realize another possibility so that the world will never forget Jung Hoseok. I don't have to keep writing pointless letters no one else would read. I don't have to keep crying at the doorstep of my sister's past lover for more details.

I...I could choose to be like him. I could tell my story; my tale of loss and love and reconciliation.

But unlike hoseok, I won't tell this story to forget him or let him go. I'm not forgetting him; I don't want to forget him.

I think back onto the blue and grey road I always cross to get here, and I finally know what I will leave behind.

You, dear reader.

I will leave behind this story for you.

I realize that now...the goodbye would be the most painful thing one can ever experience, and it may always be. In life, you will always lose more than you will gain; that's just how it works.

But, the hellos Hoseok and I shared will forever remain precious. I don't regret meeting Hoseok. Not even one bit. I would live through it again and again because I know although the pain of the goodbye will hurt, the joy of being with him would have far greater weight.

Many people will begin to have no reason to live because of how repetitive life is. We love someone, we lose someone, and then we love someone again. And for those unlucky ones, we continue to lose, lose, and lose.

But, no winter, and no season, can last forever.

Spring will come again, and the scent of cherry blossoms will be much sweeter for those who have only known the smell of peppermint. Encased within the rain, within the trees of this forest, within all the memories of the world, there are only the two of us.

What season are you in right now, reader?

What are your dreams, reader?

Were you just like me?

Or are you becoming who I used to be?

Just stalling like this won't give me answers to any of those questions.

So, I smile and say the magic words that started my entire journey that will hopefully start yours.

'It's unfair, isn't it?'

And when I look at you, do you feel safe?

-FIN-