That's it! I don't want to be friends with you anymore! You're so arrogant and self-centred! Just go and die already!

Waking up to that was a sign that today was not going to be good.

And indeed the mental prophecy was fulfilled. After that one, my notifications blew up as people from who knows where declared I was a sick person, that I should go to the hospital, that I didn't even deserve to live.

My phone was tossed to the side as I sunk into my pillow. Muffled shouts could be heard, sobs even.

I didn't understand. How had it come to this? How had it gotten to the point that I had lost a friend?

It was all my fault, wasn't it? Me and my dirty mind had turned my friends against me. In the end, my acceptance of bad things was what caused my friend to hate me.

I curled up into a ball, sobbing as the regret weighed heavily in my heart. How could I have hurt her so bad all because of what I thought? She hadn't deserved that. She hadn't deserved the pain and suffering I had inflicted upon her.

Was I useless in the end? Did I deserve nothing upon this earth?

Does that mean, that I was a mistake?

That I shouldn't have been born?

I bit my lip, drawing blood as I peeled the skin off my dry lips. My throat felt dry, and the metallic feeling of the blood that I swallowed was not helping. My eyes spotted the bottle of water on my bedside table, but I found that I couldn't force myself to get it.

After all, this was a punishment for what I had done to my friends.
Every day must have been a painful day for her. I had hurt her to the deepest darkest point of her heart, and I hated it. I hated that in the end, it was my selfishness that led to this.

I kept on peeling the protection sheets off my lips, tasting the blood and letting the pain engulf me. This was the punishment I was getting for being born. For only being a curse to everyone around me.

TING! You have a message!

"H-Huh?" I blinked, red eyes looking towards the phone I had tossed away in my self-hatred. "What's this?"

Curiosity bubbling in my chest, I leaned in and grabbed the phone before unlocking it with my finger.

The hate messages had piled up, but one stood out to me.

*SecretAdmirer*

Hey, you okay?

From the rows of words filled with hate, I was greeted with a private message that seemed to convey something different.

I blinked, but I clicked on it to reply. To lie that I was okay.

I'm good. Why?

*SecretAdmirer*

Well, I saw what was happening on your message board, and I got worried.

Now this was a shocker. I never expected this.

Wha? Why would you?

*SecretAdmirer*

Well, it's funny, but I've been through a lot. I've had to work my way through toxicity.

Does this mean that this person understands my feelings?

Even through my own self-hatred, I found myself typing a reply.

How bad was it?

*SecretAdmirer*

Everyday was filled with pain, but you know what?

Something in me started to glow. I... I wanted to know how they broke free.

Yeah?

*SecretAdmirer*

I realised, that making mistakes was part of being human. But it doesn't mean that hate is a good thing. The opposite, really. In the end, hatred is what seals the deal on whether you succeed or fail. If you hold grudges, your heart will never be satisfied, and you'll be the living dead. If you choose to stay strong through this all, good days will come. Every bad day will always be followed by a good day. If you remember that, you will feel better. Just don't give up on life. It will get better. I'm proof of that.

My eyes widened. This was...

Deep inside, slowly, gradually, a fire was rekindled. I remembered when my friends had promised me that we would meet again, no matter what happened to us. The confidence they had always given me, even when I was down and so depressed.

Even though I had been a toxic person, they had loved me.

Tears pricked at my eyes once more as my energy slowly returned. My feelings began to develop.

I wiped the tears off my face, and for the first time for today, I smiled as I typed back.

Thank you so much... I'm so grateful for your words. You really helped me.

Maybe one day, I can help her heal from the wounds of my heart.

But until then, I'll stay strong and fix myself.