~~POSSIBLE TRIGGER WARNING!! Mental Health Warning because we aren't talking about cleaning in a normal way like "oh yeah I like to clean my house" or "I'm a germophobe too!" so please proceed with caution! Side note: you can all use this book to inspire art if you're an artist! Just let me know when you do cause I'd love to see it! I made this slightly as a vent but also the music I was listening to influenced it so now you all will have it too~~

Wiping the floors and doing a quick sweep of the rooms here and there; I realize that no matter what I do, nothing will change the way I feel about my situation. Silence is around me and yet its so loud I can't focus at all. The smells blend together, of rotten meat and sweat yet the bleach that I pour cannot over power it. Its too bright outside despite the dark empty space I feel in my heart. My eyes burn from the light that pours through the windows and the chemicals I cannot seem to stop pouring out from the container. My brain won't let me forget each time I mess up, it'll always be my fault and no matter how much I try to clean myself I cannot escape the filth I am covered in. I clean the rooms and my environment but it'll always get dirty again right? I can't sleep.

I scrub harder and harder. 

The paint is coming off.

Why wont it go away?

I want it to go away.

go away

g  o 

 a  w   a    y

I realize it won't leave me. No matter how much the chemicals burn. No matter how hard I try to scrub it away, no matter how loud it is, no matter how many times-

no matter

no matter-

n o   m a t t e r

....

I t ' s    s o   l o u d . . .

The memories I tried to burn away aren't leaving. There are so many. I wasn't the best, was I? I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to. No matter how much I try to change myself I'll never be perfect. 

But I have to try don't I?

I'll be better

I have to

                                      I'll be better 

                                                                                                          I'll be better 

I'll be better

                                                              I'll be better 

             I'll be better

                                                                                      I'll be better

                                I̸'̴l̸l̸ ̴b̶e̷ ̸b̶e̵t̴t̴e̸r̵

                                                                                                        Ï̴͔'̶̡̐l̷̺͊l̶̙̂ ̵͕͌b̷̈͜è̸͎ ̷̝͋b̸̮͠ḛ̵͋ṭ̷̔t̷̗̾e̶̱͠r̷̖͝

      I̷͕̤̋͝'̵̠̫̚̕l̶̜̑l̷̙͆̋ ̴̣̜͛̏b̴̺̌e̵̗̒ ̸̣̇̓b̷̘̫̍ḛ̶̬̊ţ̴̙̃t̶̥̭̕è̴̗̪r̶̼̺͋

                                                        I̶̜͕͋'̶̇͑͑̄̅͋̉̏͜͝l̵̺͉̻̗̼͖̎̇̓̇͆̅̌ḻ̸̥̗̲̰͔͚͉̮̽̊̋̽̾͌ ̴̧̬̳̭͚͈̘̺͔̬̓͜b̸̢̗̬̖̟͚̱̞͊̀̀̆͘͜e̵̬̖̦̍̂̆̓̃̋̾͛͊͝͝ ̸͖̳̰̖̹̘̳̀̈͒̓́͝b̸̭͇̮̰̬̩͉̪̠͖̉͝e̷͓̪̝̳͍͕̅̇͑̍̆̌͛͂̕̕t̷̬̮͎́̊t̸̢͕̔̌̐͆̀͌̌̈́͋e̴̡̳̥̮̭͇͖͖̙̚r̶̝̦̥̝̩̦͇̘̲͔͍̐̏̏͛

I'll keep going until I'm perfect just for you! 

I'll keep scrubbing away each and every flaw you don't like until I'm polished without a speck!

My insides are so disgusting that I'll clean those too! 

Pour my heart for you to see and hold. Just throw it on the ground once it becomes dirty. 

Spit on my hands that I reach for you with! I'll look wherever you point! I'll follow you blindly!

Take my trust and push of the cliff when convenient for you! Use my legs to walk and guild me anywhere you want to go! Take my arms to reach for what you crave!

I'll smile while you push me away! Isn't it so funny? 

When we're younger we do dumb things and we forgive but years later you bring it up because now you're curious why I did such dumb shit? 

Oh you're so funny! It actually hurts! 

You don't like when I spill my guts do you? What's a little bleach down my throat? 

I'll be perfect just for you!

Scrub until my skin turns red and becomes one with the floor that is more sturdy than I am.

Chip away at the paint that stains these walls until its back to the bare wood it was.

Not clean enough? Lets knock it all back to the ground and build with smoother walls!

Come on! Where is that shine that you once had in your eyes? Won't you shine for me?

You point and shout how I'm so disgusting.

I'm not clean enough

You dig at my back and scream

Its too loud

You hammer my feet into place

I can't stop trembling 

You laugh

I can't stop smiling

You laugh

I can't stop smiling

You laugh 

you laugh

you laugh

you laugh

you laugh                         you laugh                              you laugh 

                         You LaUgh                     yOU lAugH

     yOu lauGh                         YoU LAugH

                               YOu LAuGH                         YOU LaUGh

I still scrub the floors, I have to get each little speck of dirt that lays on the ground. But no matter how hard I try it wont come off at all. I poured the bleach, my fingers, my hands- burn and hurt. My eyes sting as tears gather and fall onto my work. I have to scrub those away. They'll tarnish my work. Every room must be perfect. No posters, no hair on the floor, no dirty dishes, no carpet stains and no hand prints. The mirrors have to be spotless and so must the curtains and chairs. The sound is still loud, the smell burns but I can barely smell anymore.

No hair can be out place on my head!

Scrub and scrub, scrub and scrub, until I turn red!

Keep on going until I bleed! Keep on going! Keep on going until I bleed!

Pour my heart out for you to hold onto! 

Pour bleach into my guts for you!

Keep on going until I cry! Keep on going! Keep on going until I cry out!

I'll try harder than anyone else

I'll more and more perfect! 

I'll stay silent unless to give you a compliment!

I'll be everything you'll ever want in a friend, in a person, in a  t o y!

The mop is black, the rags are black. The water is brown, the room is clean!

The trash is full of my guts that I spilt for you! My inners are cleaned and bleached! 

Why aren't you appeased? You point and shout at me again as the room sparkles

What could it be?

What did I miss?

Everything is clean!

Everything is clean!

I'm now perfect for you!

I'm better now for you!

What could it be?

What did I miss?

Oh! I see!

I'm still filthy!!