I've got a dark side that doesn't like to leave me alone. It likes to feed off of my happiness and destroy it. It corrupts me. I try to fight it, but it's hard. The demons are dragging me down into the dark side of my thoughts. The thoughts that crave death. The thoughts that feed off of hatred and pain. It's all hidden away in my dark side. The side that I hide behind a weak smile and a feeble mask. 

The dark side haunts my dreams, turns them into nightmares. It plagues my life. It doesn't like it when I finally have a friend or someone who cares. My dark side thinks of death and despair. Ways to kill, ways to dispose a body. It's all there in the dark side of my mind. 

I wish I could get rid of it. I really do. I wish I didn't have to feed it. But there are no perfect people out there, I know this, But I still wish that I could be a little less evil. I wish that I didn't smile at the scary things in the movies. I wish that I didn't crave the darkness of horrific things. I wish that this deadly disease would go away. 

The dark side consumes me. It even controls me sometimes. It forces me to dive into the things left unsaid. It likes it when I hurt people. It likes it when I cry. It likes it when I'm hurting. It smiles at my pain. 

I hate myself for having this dark side. I hate myself for hurting the ones I love. I don't trust others very well, but I also don't trust myself. For fear that the dark side will appear. I hate the fact that I'm not strong enough to fight it. I hate that I can't make it go away. I hope and pray everyday and night, that it will just disappear. 

And then I ask, why. Why me? Why do I have to live with this curse? But then I think and I think and I think. And the good part of my mind, the small piece that's left, tells me it's because one day, I will be able to fight it off. And then the darkness crushes that too. The small flicker of hope, extinguished for good. 

I have nothing left except for the darkness peering over my shoulder. I have nothing left except for the craving of death. I have nothing left but myself and the cold heart in which I own. I think that maybe I brought this one myself. I tried too hard to help. I tried too hard to care. I kept letting the monsters back, I was trying to save them. But what do I have left to show? I few faded scars where my nails dug into my skin? 

The dark side consumes me and tears me apart. It rips my heart and soul apart, piece by piece. Soon, there will be nothing left, but an empty shell. I won't be able to hide then. Then, the dark side will have consumed me completely. 

But I keep fighting. I keep going. I can't give up, not yet at least. I can't let the dark side win. I'll keep fighting. And I'll keep going. Because that's what I do. I'm a survivor. I have to be when the dark side is always looming, prepared to kill. I'm never going to give up. Even when it seems like the end seems near, I'll keep fighting until my very last breath. I'll keeping going until the very last beat of my heart. 

And it's all for you. I fight in this war, for you. I'd die for you and kill for you. But more importantly, I'd live for you. Because you're the only one who cares. The only one who saw the person behind the mask. I'm just a ghost of what I was before, and I know that you know that, but you still fight for me. You still pick me up when I fall. And even when you're not there, you have a way of calming me down. Just the thought of you can keep the dark side at bay. 

I'm doing all this for you. And a little bit for me, but mostly for you. 

I hope you know that I'd die for you and kill for you. And I also hope you know that I'm living for you. 

Peace for now. Stay alive. 

8/7/18