Part XIV

*click*

“Hello! Hello?” Jessica opened her eyes, irritated that the caller hung up. Taeyeon stirred in her arms, their clothes rustling loudly in the quiet wee hours of the morning.

“Hey. Miss I-love-your-butt. How are you?” Jessica said jokingly, very much like long-term couples.

“Hey.” Taeyeon replied with sleep still in her voice, strained from all the crying just a few hours ago.

“Who were you saying hello to?”

“Oh. Your phone rang. I didn’t want to wake you up, so I answered it.” Jessica stated nonchalantly.

“Who was it?”

“I don’t know. The caller hung up.” Jessica replied while Taeyeon got off her and they sat up, Taeyeon with an arm draped over the blonde girl, hand on her shoulder. The posture screaming, 

this girl is mine!

 While the other hand deftly took the phone from Jessica.

Tiffany?

 A lump of discomfort settled at the back of Taeyeon’s throat.

Jessica answered Tiffany’s call?! Oh no. I’m in for some trouble.

 Taeyeon self consciously withdrew her hand from Jessica’s shoulder and her right leg couldn’t stop shaking as she nervously thought about Tiffany.

Jessica saw the distressed look on Taeyeon’s face and knew immediately that it had to do with that girl, Tiffany. She continued to stare at Taeyeon, whom suddenly didn’t seem to remember her presence. Resigned, Jessica got off the sofa, deciding to make them coffee, hoping it will ease those frowns wrinkling Taeyeon’s forehead.

“How do you like your coff-“

Taeyeon cut her off before she had a chance to finish. “I got to go. I think Tiffany needs me.”

Taeyeon was washed over by a sudden seizure of dread and panic as she hurled herself out of Jessica’s apartment with a slam of the door. Call it telepathy, call it a premonition, call it a sixth sense, call it whatever you like. But something tells Taeyeon that she has to be there for Tiffany, right at that moment. Taeyeon’s old sneakers squeaked as she worked those short legs of hers against the concrete pavement of the sidewalk, waving frantically at the cabs zooming past her. After a few precious seconds and what seems like a zillion cabs passing her, Taeyeon was fed up. Sighting the next available cab coming from a distance, she hopped in front of it and off the sidewalk; with her arms spread wide and her eyes squeezed shut. The cab screeched to a halt barely an inch from Taeyeon. She opened her eyes and let out the breath she held and threw herself haphazardly in the cab, ignoring the profanities the cab driver threw at her. She screamed Tiffany’s address, making the whole cab shake with the sheer force of her volume.

“Would you just shut up and drive? I’ll pay double!” Taeyeon huffed. The cab driver immediately zipped his trap and zoomed off, rattling the whole car like a flimsy tin can being kicked around. 

The sense of déjà vu that Taeyeon felt when Tiffany got into an accident found its way around Taeyeon again, wrapping her tightly in dread, suffocating her, giving her goosebumps all over. 

Why do I care? No. You can’t do this to me. It isn’t fair! I want to let you go! Why are you doing this? I feel so used. But I can’t stop running back to you. Loving you makes me so confused. Just when I thought I’ve escaped from your manipulative clutches, you pull me in again just like poison coursing through my veins breaking down all of my defenses, pulling my guard down.  Like latent poison dormant in my blood, undetectable, my very own heart pumping your malicious intents to my mind, messing with my head, clouding my senses, giving you the perfect chance to break me down. 

My heart was just a victim of a cold-blooded assassin. 

--

FLASHBACK

“Fany-ah, hold my hand. I’m cold and I’m afraid I would slip and fall into the lake.” Taeyeon said, making a lame excuse to feel Tiffany's soft hands as she walked beside her.

“No. YOU hold MY hand, Tae.” Tiffany replied firmly. Taeyeon turned around and looked at Tiffany quizzically like she grew another head.

“What’s the difference?” asked a puzzled Taeyeon.

“If I hold your hand and something happens to me, chances are that I may let your hand go. But if you hold my hand, I know for sure that no matter what happens, you will never let my hand go.” whispered Tiffany softly.

--

Why can’t I just let you go? Without you, my hands shake, reaching out in search for yours in the darkness. No, they don’t want to see sense. No, they don’t want to understand. They betray my every intention to move away.

Taeyeon looked at her hands wondering when they stopped being hers.

My hand only wants to hold yours.

--

Jessica sighed as she watched Taeyeon disappear from her house in a blink of an eye. She put down the empty mugs she had in her hands and switched off the coffee making machine. Her right hand propped her up against the kitchen table top, while her left hand swept her bangs up. She looked up to her old crumbly yellowing ceiling and closed her eyes, taking in a deep breath. 

Second place is a mean *****.

--

Taeyeon shot out the lift and ran towards Tiffany’s penthouse unit, knocking on the door desperately.

“Tiffany! Open the door! TIFFANY!”  Taeyeon looked around for something to break the door down, but the only thing that stared back at her was a useless expensive fur doormat. She took a few steps back and ran towards Tiffany front door much like a rugby player. Only difference was, she was half the size of any of them but had twice the force driven by an unexplainable surge of energy. Nothing else mattered more to Taeyeon than to get to Tiffany now. She rammed her left shoulder, throwing her whole weight on the door twice, before standing back and gave a solid front kick to the door. The locking mechanism in the door gave way as the heavy door swung open. Taeyeon dashed into the house, frantically turning her head left and right like a rabbit looking for it's burrow, searching for Tiffany. She skidded as she made her way into Tiffany’s room supporting her turn with a hand on the door frame. She froze at the door. It’s empty. 

Shucks. What was I thinking? Can I even afford to buy a new door for Tiffany? 

She sighed at her own silliness. 

You’re going crazy, Taeyeon-ah.

She was about to turn and leave when her keen hearing picked up the sound of running water. 

Water?

  She looked down at her feet to see a small stream of water flowing towards it and looked at the bathroom door in horror. 

No it can’t be!

Taeyeon took two big strides towards the bathroom and flung the door open. The sight that greeted her knocked the wind out of her. 

No! NO! GOD! Don’t let this be true. No! Tiffany, you can’t leave me like that!

 Tiffany laid in the bathtub filled with ice-cold water, still and unmoving, her head fully submerged. Taeyeon ran towards Tiffany, slipping on the wet floor tiles on the way. Tears streamed down Taeyeon’s cheeks unknowingly.

“Tiffany, Tiffany! Wake up! Don’t do this! Don’t you dare give up on me!” Taeyeon cried, lifting Tiffany into a sitting position and slapping her cheeks lightly. Tiffany remained unconscious with heavy lidded eyes.  Her skin had taken to a pale pallid quality, while her lips, fingertips and ears had all turned a ghastly blue. Taeyeon lifted Tiffany out of the water and placed her on the bathroom floor to perform a CPR. She brought her warm lips onto Tiffany’s cold, but familiar ones, trying to breathe life back into her lover. Her palms pumped Tiffany’s chest after every breath while pinching Tiffany’s nose. Taeyeon muttered “Wake up Tiffany. F*ck this! Just get up! Just give me one more chance to see you again. Tiff. If I had known you were going to leave me this way, if I had known that last night was the last time I’d be with you, I’d have never let you leave me; I’d have never let you go. I don’t need your heart anymore. I just want you to be happy, even if that means saying goodbye.”

Taeyeon didn’t realise how wrong she was. She thought it was best for Tiffany to get her former life back. Tiffany had always run wild, without staying at any one place for too long. She hadn’t known that Tiffany didn’t have a life for years before she came into it. That she only had any semblance of a life, the moment their two fragile hearts gone wrong, the moment their hearts made up their minds.

How clueless. How wrong she was. But how could she have known?

--

Tiffany gasped as her chest lifted off the floor in an arch as her eyes shot open. The sight was like a breath-taking work of art, even at sudden an inappropriate time and setting. The sight of Tiffany was simply magical and surreal.

Tiffany coughed water out, vomiting and choking, seized by the pain in her lungs as Taeyeon patted her back and held her close, trying to keep her warm. 

“Are you alright, Tiff? You scared me! Why did you do that?” Taeyeon cried half in relief, half in anger. Tiffany begin shivering uncontrollably and started taking off her soaked dress in a state of disorientation, trying to get up sluggishly, only to stumbled and fall to her knees again. Taeyeon recognised the signs of hypothermia in Tiffany and pull Tiffany in and wrapped her legs around her. 

How long did she soak herself in that cold water to come to this state? Two hours? Four hours?

 She stripped her of her wet clothes, while Tiffany struggled weakly in Taeyeon’s hands. Taeyeon lifted Tiffany’s naked self out the bathroom and placed the younger girl on her bed and covered the shivering Tiffany with the quilt, before rushing to drain the cold water in the bathtub and filled it with warm water. She then proceeded to strip herself of all her clothes, crawling under the quilt and held Tiffany close, trying her best to provide as much body heat to Tiffany as possible. Balled up with Tiffany in her arms, Taeyeon breathed in the familiar scent of strawberries, rum and vanilla and knew that this was home.

A home she cannot return to.

--

Tiffany was still shivering as she mumbled incoherently and hugged herself. Taeyeon felt as if someone had smashed her heart, grounded it and scattered it to the winds, at the sight of a vulnerable Tiffany. Vulnerable just like everyone else. She gently picked Tiffany up and walked back into the bathroom, stepping into the bathtub and settling in inside of the bathtub with Tiffany lying above her, hoping the stream and heat can warm Tiffany up.

“Tae … Tae Tae.” Tiffany mumbled in a state of semi-consciousness.

“I’m here, Fany-ah. I’m here.” Taeyeon whispered wistfully into Tiffany’s ear trying to soothe the girl. It hurts her to see Tiffany so broken and isolated by herself and there was nothing she could do to help. She couldn’t figure the younger girl out. She wanted her, and then she didn’t. Taeyeon needed time to break down the things Tiffany said, to analyse which words did the younger girl meant and which she didn’t. She needed time to recover from the hurricane of events that swarmed her the past weeks.  

“Fany-ah, remember the first night we spoke?” Tiffany smiled with an aching heart in her semi-conscious state at Taeyeon’s words, sinking back into her tearless grief, her heart bleeding inwards. 

--

FLASHBACK

That dark cooling night smelt of summer rain. A perfect mix of a light breeze that snatches one’s troubles away and the tranquil silence where no words have to be spoken; only emotions and passion were exchanged. Tiffany stepped out of her shiny new car, with a pair of aviator shades on, moving quietly and stealthy towards the Bronx. Her presence scares even the shadows of the night. Her ravishing beauty shone like a beacon of light in the darkness. She swung open the doors of the Bronx without breaking stride and like a target missile, she zoomed straight towards Taeyeon's performance, sitting down in the plush purple velvet armchair, allowing Taeyeon’s cultured dulcet voice to assuage her restless soul.

Taeyeon was halfway through a cheery Colbie Calliat – Falling for you number when she noticed the same girl of impeccable taste, with the aloof air of a royalty sat down for her performance again. It was the fifth time she had attended Taeyeon’s gig. She noticed every single time that upper class girl came. She was hard to miss. Sometimes, she would make jokes between songs, trying to get a reaction from that girl and get some sort of contact with her. Those beautiful eye-smiles were to die for, and Taeyeon would do her best to make that girl laugh. For some strange reasons, Taeyeon was so eager to please that girl. Like a moth attracted to the dazzling light of a lit fire.

“I would like to dedicate this song to the beautiful stranger sitting over there.” Taeyeon said, obtaining eye contact with Tiffany. Tiffany raised her glass of sparkling white wine with a polite nod to Taeyeon in acknowledgement and gave an appreciative smile. Other patrons of the Bronx stared at Tiffany enviously, but they weren’t surprised. A fine lady of Tiffany’s exquisite standards always got the best of things in life. Everywhere she went, she would have an adulating crowd who can only be awe-struck by this angel on earth.

Girl I know this might seem strange

But let me know if I'm out of order

For stepping to you this way

See I've been watching you for a while

And I just gotta let you know

That I'm really feeling your style

Cause I have to know your name

And leave you with my number

And I hope that you would call me someday

If you want you can give me yours too

And if you don't I ain't mad at'cha

We can still be cool cause

I'm not trying to pressure you

Just can't stop thinkin' 'bout you

You ain't even really gotta be my girlfriend

I just wanna know your name 

And maybe some time

We can hook up, hang out, just chill

Damn I'm surprised that you called

Cause the way you walked away

I thought I wasn't gon see you no more

Since you didn't wanna give me your name

I thought that you were iggin' me

And wasn't diggin' me

But anyway what you doing tonight

I'll probably be with my peeps

If it's cool with you maybe we'll swing by

And you can just chill with us

Or you can just chill with me

As long as you're comfortable

And you feel secure when your with me cause

I'm not trying to pressure you

Just can't stop thinkin' 'bout you

You ain't even really gotta be my girlfriend

I just wanna know your name 

And maybe some time

We can hook up, hang out, just chill

Oh, oh, baby yeah

Maybe we can oh

Go and see a movie girl

Or maybe we can hang out girl

Whatever you wanna do 

Just let me know 

It's up to you

I'm not trying to pressure you

Just can't stop thinkin' 'bout you

You ain't even really gotta be my girlfriend

I just wanna know your name 

And maybe some time

We can hook up, hang out, just chill

I'm not trying to pressure you

Just can't stop thinkin' 'bout you

You ain't even really gotta be my girlfriend

I just wanna know your name 

And maybe some time

We can hook up, hang out, just chill

Taeyeon stood up and bowed to the cheering crowd, taking a sheepish glance at Tiffany, hoping that she liked the song. Taeyeon had practised the song twice as many times as the rest, perfecting every tune, every pitch. She didn’t have the suaveness to approach Tiffany, so she had hoped her sincere heart would shine through her voice.

The edge of Tiffany’s mouth arched up into a confident knowing smile as she placed her glass of wine on the table, taking assertive steps towards the stage and towards Taeyeon. How can I let such a beautiful opportunity slip? What’s life without some spontaneous, frivolous fun? Tiffany thought to herself as she flashed her signature eye-smile and took the last few steps towards Taeyeon. Taeyeon remained frozen on her spot, star-struck and unknowingly held her breath as her eyes widens slightly in disbelief of such beauty at close proximity. Tiffany tilted her head and gave a light peck on Taeyeon’s flaming cheeks and the older girl thought she had died and flew to heaven.

“Thank you sweetheart. That was a delightful song. You have an incredible and unforgettable voice. The name’s Tiffany. Perhaps you’ll like to ‘hook up, hang out, just chill’ tonight?” Tiffany whispered enticing with her cool, dark, husky and liquid tone.

“Yes … yes. I … I would like that.” Taeyeon stuttered. She felt like she had won the million dollar lottery. She had noticed Tiffany from day one and her mysterious aura drew Taeyeon’s inquisitive self in. Tiffany’s beauty was captivating to say the least, but the thing that really drew Taeyeon in, was her fervent belief that there was something more to the girl that meets the eye and her big heart was ready for the conquest, oblivious to the perils she would throw herself in.

--

Her wheels dug into the tar and gravel well-beaten path, kicking up puffs of dust and dirt as Taeyeon sat in her passenger’s seat, trying her best to mask her admiration of the sexy masculine car, but nothing escapes her eye. Taeyeon was like a pre-schooler on her first trip to the zoo. After all, not many could afford this luxury she had. Tiffany chuckled silently at Taeyeon’s innocence gunning her engines, making her way to the top of the hill that overlooked the city.

--

The two ladies got out the car in silence, as if to preserve the silence of the soulless night. Anxiety stilled Taeyeon’s tongue. She didn’t know what to say to a person of Tiffany’s calibre. They probably discuss about stocks and politics, don’t they?Taeyeon answered herself. Act cool. Be cool. Wait. I AM cool. Taeyeon reassured herself.

Tiffany saw Taeyeon’s nervousness like a school boy confessing his love for his teacher. She smirked. “Don’t you think the night sky is beautiful from here, Taeyeon? Is that your real name?”

“Erm … yeah! It is! So course it’s beautiful. Absolutely breathtaking!” Taeyeon replied, a pitch too high. Not as beautiful or breathtaking as you are!

Taeyeon didn’t know that Tiffany’s relaxed composure, casual elegance; distant gaze was all an illusion. Beneath the calm water surface were turbulent, treacherous currents, invisible and unpredictable. All she knew was, she was falling in love, every passing second she spent with this misty-eyed stranger.

--

Tiffany wanted to cut the small talk and get down to business. Without preamble, she walked towards the awkward older girl, nuzzling at the crook of her neck and pressed herself into her. Taeyeon was dazed by the sudden intimacy, but she didn’t show it. She wrapped her arms around Tiffany’s waist and felt her delicious curves, stroking Tiffany’s waistline to the side of her ribcage as the younger girl wrapped her arms around her neck. The two ladies were unaware of each other’s differing intentions behind every touch. To Taeyeon, it was the blooming of a new love. To Tiffany, it was just an escape from the voices inside her head. Lips locked. Hands roamed. Hair tousled. Blind passion consumed the enigmatic night as two people begin the winding road towards love and heartache.

--

Sweat trickled along the smooth skin of her brow and then dripped into her eyes, where it stung. She brushed the errant droplets away and blinked, not willing to miss a second of Tiffany’s beautiful face. She caught her breath and licked her lips, tasting Tiffany’s lipstick and wondered how on earth she could deserve such a delight.

“You’re quite loveable, you know that?” Tiffany said and smiled faintly, making a noncommittal observation.

“Will I see you again?” Little did she know, like a moth that is attracted by fire, she will be burnt and scarred eternally or dead. None the better.

“If we were meant to, you will.” Tiffany said with a cryptic smile.

“What if we don’t?” Taeyeon asked with a tinge of disappointment in her voice. 

“Life goes on.” Tiffany said slowly with a catch in her voice, almost emotionlessly with an easy pragmatism.

--

“You said life would go on, but how come no one mentioned how hard it would be?” Taeyeon sighed very softly.

“I’m sorry.” Tiffany croaked, slowly gaining back her consciousness, wishing that Taeyeon would hold her and never let go. Taeyeon made her feel real again when she drifted away. Helped her breath when she was suffocating. Lifted her up when she was fading. But Taeyeon was a mistake that never should have happened. There wouldn’t have been heartbreak if not for that very night. No one should have to be hurt. 

You shouldn’t have come back for me.

Tiffany sighed inwardly, wishing she was dead and let the steam from the warm water envelope the two of them, intertwining with the silence that hung as densely in the air as the water droplets did. 

So this is how death feels like. So empty, so lonely, so cold, so alone. 

Through near death, Tiffany gained clarity. She knew she was not right for Taeyeon. She couldn’t give her what she wanted. 

I’ll let you go, to live and love like you deserve. Even if it killed me inside.

Part XV

Tiffany had no idea how long she has been knocked out on her bed with Taeyeon cuddling her from the back. She had been too weak to comprehend the whirlwind of being rescued by Taeyeon and coming back to life. Taeyeon had once again pulled her back from the edge of the cliff of hysteria. It made Tiffany happy and frustrated all at the same time. She had no idea how Taeyeon could have known and saved her. 

Was it just mere coincidence?

 A part of her was glad that she could be enjoying this mellow and undisturbed moment which couldn’t have been possible if Taeyeon didn’t return. But another part of her wished that Taeyeon hadn’t come back, so death could have taken her, allowed her to fall into the gloom and ended her misery and confusion.

She wheezed a little while trying to breathe without feeling the burning pain in her lungs. It felt like it was dipped into boiling oil and deep fried, as if smoking hasn’t barbequed her once healthy pink lungs into a dark charred black enough. Breathing almost seemed foreign now, but Taeyeon’s rhythmic rise and fall of her lungs could be felt against her back, as if guiding her to breathe, to live again.

Getting in touch with her senses again, Tiffany opened her eyes, adjusting to the mid day glare through her balcony, blinking hard to remove the spots she was seeing. She breathed in Taeyeon’s familiar scent and smiled at the thought of how well it blends with her own, creating an almost personal and unique scent that now wraps around them like a second skin.

 So this is what home feels like? I don't want this feeling to go away. 

The shadows seem to retreat a little and a more settled ambience seems to replace the swirling unease and coldness that was present without Taeyeon’s presence.

She drew their intertwined hands closer towards her chest, trying to remind herself that she is real, feeling the comforting warmth of Taeyeon’s arm against her bare skin. 

Everything was just fun and games until someone falls in love, wasn’t it Tiffany? Who is the fool now?

 Her mind mocked her. Her growing dependency on Taeyeon scares her. But when she felt Taeyeon instinctively pulled her closer, that fear was smouldered and she moulded into Taeyeon’s sleeping form. 

We could have been so much more. 

Tiffany listened intently to Taeyeon’s calm breathing and felt herself slipping into an almost trance-like joy. Glad, simply for the existence of her saving grace. 

“Why did you try to drown yourself?” Taeyeon whispered, her eyes closed and her arms still around Tiffany. 

Tiffany froze in Taeyeon’s arm and wondered to herself how long Taeyeon has been awake. “It’s my life. I do whatever I want with it.” The words came out more defensively than she had intended.

Taeyeon sighed. She wanted a piece of Tiffany’s heart, not a piece of her mind. She recognised Tiffany’s standard battle cries. But this time, she refused to rise to the bait. She withdrew her arms from around Tiffany and swung her legs to the edge of the bed. She sat there, with her arms on her side, supporting her heavy shoulders and didn’t utter a word. She didn’t know what to say now. There was no point in telling Tiffany want she should or should not do. That girl comes and goes as she pleases. Even the strongest shackles cannot hold her down from her wishes. She was tired of always being the more mature one and the first to apologise in their frequent squabbles.

“Yeah. You do whatever you want with it. I have no say.” Taeyeon decided not to play out their archetypal roles this time. She stood up and bent over to pick up her clothes littered in a trail from the bathroom and hastily put them on.

“I’m sorry.” Tiffany mumbled as she climbed off the bed and hugged a half clothed Taeyeon from behind and buried her head in the older girl’s hair. She kissed Taeyeon’s bare shoulder, hoping for her to turn around and stop being so cold, as if she didn’t care anymore. She wasn’t used to being ignored. No one ignores Tiffany. It was like a sun that didn’t burn. It doesn’t happen. Tiffany slowly slide her hand down Taeyeon’s slackened arm, trying to pull the clothes away from the older girl’s grasp. Taeyeon sighed and gritted her teeth, willing away the familiar tingles that ran through her body whenever Tiffany touched her. She was frustrated at Tiffany for doing this. Pushing her away then pulling her in like this again, whenever they got into a fight. But she was more frustrated with herself for her weakness. She wasn’t going to lose. She wasn’t going to falter. Her determination to leave will not waver. Not this time. 

Taeyeon tightened her grip on her clothes and peeled Tiffany’s arms off her. She turned to Tiffany, staring at her with defeated eyes and said with a sigh.  “Don’t do this, Tiff.” Tiffany stared back at her defiantly with an expression that said

What?

“Is this because of the blonde Barbie? You were with her when I called last night, weren’t you?” Genuine anger coloured Tiffany's words now.

“I came back to you, didn’t I?” Taeyeon said dryly. The look on Tiffany’s face told Taeyeon that she was analysing her words and their latent implication. It wasn’t about what she had said, but what she hadn’t said. She would not corroborate Tiffany’s guess, even if the younger girl was right. Two can be immature. Two can play the game.

“Why? Did you get abandoned? Go to her. I don’t need you here.” Tiffany sneered. Her words were more of a childish retaliation to mask her hurt feelings than to chase Taeyeon away. She didn’t mean what she had just said, but the words slipped out of her mouth behind she could think them over. Taeyeon stared at Tiffany, dumbstruck. 

This is what I get for saving her? What about all the times she slept with those men behind my back? I don’t even want to think about them, much less debate about who is right or wrong in this.

 Her mind was in a haze from the roller coaster ride of emotions and pent up frustration. She just wanted to get away from this wicked joy ride and stop the pain inside.

“Don’t ever tell me what to do.”Taeyeon said with sudden vehemence. 

Is it even possible that my only love is my only hate as well? 

The two ladies stared at each other intensely, each taunting to see who would back off first. 

Taeyeon dropped her gaze to the floor. She was tired of this. All they seem to do now, was scream and shout. Before either could say a thing, she turned to leave the room without making eye contact and dressed herself. The anger emitting from both of them was suffocating. She didn’t want to be angry at Tiffany. She don’t want to hate her either. It was like the forced calms between rounds at a boxing match.

Right before Taeyeon stepped out of the room, she turn around once again and said spitefully, “Have a heart, Tiff. I love you … more than I think I should or thought I could. But who do you think you are, leaving your fingerprints on this heart of mine, claiming it yours and pushing me away after I gave it to you? I don’t think I want to do this anymore, Tiff. I don’t think I can. I want out. It’s hard loving an unfeeling rock like you.”

Taeyeon’s words drove the air from her lungs in an explosive burst and put spots in her eyes. She felt like she was jabbed in the kidney and kicked in the chest. She had expected this day to come, but it didn’t hurt any less to hear those words. “Maybe ... maybe it’s best if we stop seeing each other for a while.” Tiffany said with a quiver in her voice.

Taeyeon looked at Tiffany, as if trying to pry into her mind to understand her thoughts. Being with Tiffany was hard. It was like climbing a mountain aimlessly, the peak nowhere in sight.  The higher Taeyeon climbed, the thinner the air, the harder it is to breathe, the lesser the oxygen gets to her brain, the lesser she can comprehend. Tiffany was too complex, unpredictable and volatile. It was as if she knew her completely sometimes, while other times, Tiffany was a complete stranger. Tiffany rarely mentions about her personal issues or her past. All Taeyeon knew was this girl was broken in some way and she wanted to fix it. But how do you start fixing something, when you don’t know what is wrong and where to start? Taeyeon had tried to be patient, be kind, be sensitive, be understanding. But it never seems to be enough. She was weary of stumbling around in the darkness of Tiffany’s heart. She had allowed her pride to be trodden upon, to give herself wholesomely to Tiffany, only to be knocked down like bowling pins at every effort to fill the gaping valley between her heart and Tiffany’s. 

It’s time to hold my head up high and walk away dignified. 

“Yeah. It’s for the best. “Taeyeon finally succumbed with a sigh. She needed to think things through. She needed to know where she was heading with their relationship. She needed time. But even as she spoke, she could feel the faintest nibble of doubt. 

I could close my eyes to the things I don’t want to see, I could shut my ears to the things I don’t want to hear, but can I stop my heart from feeling things I don’t want to feel? It took me a glance to fall in love with you, but it will take me a lifetime, maybe two, to forget you. How am I to do this alone? What am I to do without you?

 Taeyeon didn’t know if she could do it, but she guessed it is time to give it a try. 

Your love had burnt the brightest, but they left me the deepest scars. It’s time for me to heal.

--

For the second time, crestfallen, Tiffany watched Taeyeon walk away from her, from the place that was just beginning to seem like home because of the older girl’s presence and did nothing to stop her. She could feel the scream building up inside of herself. She wanted to do something to stop Taeyeon so badly, but her legs remain rooted to the ground when the front door slammed shut, sealing Tiffany back in the ghastly world of madness and despair like all the oxygen was sucked out of the house with Taeyeon's departure.

Tiffany stood there, accompanied by the deafening silence and drifted off into her depressing thoughts that screamed at her from all directions. She knew that she was not the girl for Taeyeon.

 Maybe the Blonde b*tch is the answer. She does seem like a nice girl. Maybe she can make my Tae happy. Maybe she could give her what I couldn’t give. Maybe … maybe I’m not the One.

 She knew she had been selfish and self-centred all along to keep the older girl’s heart on a leash and not returning in kind. She didn’t have the courage to keep Taeyeon without learning to love her right. So she did what she thought was best. It might be breaking her heart, but if she really loved Taeyeon, she had to let go. 

It’s better to have one person burning in the hell of unrequited love than two. 

Maybe someday Taeyeon would come back. Maybe someday their hearts will find their way home to each other.  Maybe someday she can set her demons free and let Taeyeon be the light in her darkness. Because, if that day comes, she knows Taeyeon is truly hers. If that day comes, she will never let slip the chance again. She will hold Taeyeon in her arms and never let go … Only if that day came. All she could do now was hope and pray. She didn’t want to cry because it’s over. Instead, a bitter wistful smile crept onto her face. She smiled, because Taeyeon’s heart had once been hers. 

It’s time to set her free.

I just want her to be happy.

It was no fairytale conclusion, no kiss and make up. But anything was better than goodbye.  Tiffany couldn’t die by drowning, but she could die in a more subtle manner. She picked up her cigarette pack from the dressing table and lit one up and sucked on it hard, allowing the poisonous air fill her weak lungs before exhaling the smoke together with her frustrated anger at herself and leaned against the wall, staring at her crumpled sheets. She had always thought she had the upper hand. Only now, did she realised she wasn’t strong enough for that. 

Here comes another day. I don't know if I can make it. When you rescued my soul from the gates of hell, you didn’t just kiss my lips, you kissed my soul. When you whispered into my ear, you whispered them into my heart.  Love was just another word in the dictionary, until you came along and gave it its meaning. You were always on my mind, wherever I go. If only you knew.

If only you knew.

PART XVI

Taeyeon walked as desolation and loneliness swarmed her senses. She went where her legs carried her. The clouds hung low and heavy in the Seoul sky, releasing a light but persistent drizzle. The cold water soaked her and ran a light trail down her back. But she made no effort to escape the rain. She didn’t care. She liked the rain in fact, because no one can tell that she was crying. It doesn’t matter if she fell ill. It doesn’t matter if she had no destination in mind. Nothing mattered. What mattered was, within a span of a few minutes, she had separated herself from what she thought was her purpose in life – Tiffany. It was a battle of love versus logic and pride. The latter won. But why doesn’t Taeyeon feel like a winner?  Where was the elation and joy? Instead, she felt lower than ever. Logic tells her that there is no point going back until she figured out what she wanted to do and her senseless pride didn’t allow her to go back and be the fool again.

Taeyeon had no idea how much time had past before she was outside Jessica’s door, dripping wet, forming a puddle of her own around her feet. She rang the doorbell once and fell to her knees, in a position that of a sinner. She was mentally, physically and emotionally drained. She had no idea why her legs brought her back to Jessica. 

What does this mean? Why not Sunny? 

A small voice inside of her head bombarded her with sharp questions. Taeyeon was too tired and strung out to be bothered to consider those simple but truth baring questions. She wasn’t in the mood to be questioned. 

F*ck you. Shut the hell up.

Jessica was slumped over the sofa, sipping on her cup of tea and staring into space when the doorbell rang. Who can it be at this time of the day? I never had visitors. Jessica reluctantly got up and sauntered to her door, irked that she couldn’t even get a moment of peace with her tea and the melodious sound of the rain outside.

“Taeyeon!? What are you doing here? You’re all wet. Come in. Come on, get up!” Jessica exclaimed and rushed to pick Taeyeon off the ground. Her features showed, if not worry, at least attentive concern. She couldn’t tell if the puddle on the floor was from the rain or from Taeyeon’s streaming tears. At the rate Taeyeon is crying, it could have been the latter. Jessica had so many questions in her head for Taeyeon. But she put them aside to focus on the shattered girl in her arms. 

This isn’t about me. This is about Taeyeon.

Jessica tenderly stroked Taeyeon’s wet and tangled hair and the older girl poured her heart out through her tears against the former‘s bosom. Taeyeon was like a dead autumn leaf. So dry, so brittle, so fragile. As if she will crumble into a million pieces when Jessica held her too tightly. She heaved Taeyeon towards the bathroom and sat the older girl down on the toilet bowl seat. She watched helplessly as the older girl sobbed heart-wrenchingly into her own hands. There was nothing she could do but watch. She was helpless, but she didn’t ‘do’ helpless very well. She wasn’t the best with words. Her cold and icy façade didn’t require much communication with others. All these were almost foreign to her. 

Jessica slowly slipped her hands into Taeyeon’s and pulled them down to the older girl’s laps. Jessica stared into Taeyeon’s eyes concernedly, communicating her thoughts and worries for the older girl through her eyes and open expression, desperately willing her to stop. It broke her heart to see Taeyeon sobbing. She had no idea why. She wasn’t supposed to feel this way. She barely even knew Taeyeon. The strange affinity she felt for the older girl was beyond her comprehension.

“Why are you helping me? Why are you taking me in?” Taeyeon asked her voice dry and throaty from all the crying.

“Why then, did you come to me?” Jessica replied plaintively. 

Who wanted to fall in love with someone they can never have?

Taeyeon’s gaze dropped to the cheap bathroom tiles and her shoulders slumped further forward.

“I’m sorry.” Taeyeon whispered. There weren’t any other more appropriate words. She wished Jessica would kick her out, wished she would stop being so nice to her. At least if Jessica did that, she wouldn’t have to suffer from the guilt of taking something she could not return.

“Don’t be. You might be messed up, inside out. But I still find you lovely.” Jessica replied. She even sounded truthful. “I haven’t met many lovely people in my life. When I do, I feel like I should get to know them, just as I am getting to know you. It’s nothing personal. I wouldn’t blame you.” Jessica said with a wry smile. Jessica’s mouth filled with a metallic taste and her heart pounded as she forced the words out. She recognised the symptoms even as they start to fade. It was the classic fight or flight adrenaline rush aftermath that came with instinctive fear. Fear that she was merely indulging in self-denial. She knew she was lying through her teeth, but she wished hard as hell that it was the truth. She wished she had the strength to take flight, to run. But like the opposite poles of two magnets, she moves another step closer to the impending death of her heart.  

If only it wasn’t personal. Then I wouldn’t have to fall with nothing to cushion the blow. 

Her thoughts brought tears to her bright brown eyes. Tears that stung.

To her smile, Taeyeon said “Thank you” with all the sincerity she could muster from her heart. She was thankful. She truly was. But girls like Tiffany don’t get forgotten overnight. But she was going to give it a try. Even if it meant leaving a trail of blood from her heart in her footsteps.

Little did she know that the blood she was going to leave behind also belonged to a certain blonde girl.

--

It has been eighteen days without Tiffany. And here she was, lying awake in bed with Jessica soundly asleep behind her on the bed. Her life had become monotonous. Work. Help out at The Bronx for Sunny. Pick Jessica up from the bar, crash at the blonde girl’s place. Taeyeon didn’t want to be alone. She didn’t want to be given the chance to be alone. She didn’t want to miss someone she never had. So she filled her day with people and work. Determined to be focused in the moment and not allow herself to be lost in a fog of melancholy. She seeks comfort in the predictability of her days, giving her a semblance of control over her messed up life.

Taeyeon turned to face Jessica and gazed at her with sleepy, loving eyes. She caressed the blonde girl’s cheeks, tracing her jaw with her thumb and the outline of her nose bridge with a flutter of her fingers. She chuckled light-heartedly when Jessica wrinkled her nose and gave a sour expression, but didn’t stir from her deep slumber. Jessica had set her crazy and chaotic heart at ease. Taeyeon didn’t know what this strange icy and often expressionless blonde girl meant to her. She was a great friend, if not, just as great as Sunny. But Taeyeon felt something for Jessica that she didn’t feel for Sunny. Something in her head warned her that they were perhaps more than just friends. But Jessica was lovely and light, like a summer escape to Buenos Aires. All that was of concern was the passion of the moment that defined the Argentine Tango and the smell of perfume mixed with perspiration. She couldn’t take her eyes off her and everything else faded into inconsequential whispers at the back of her mind.

The sky was a turquoise blue, fading into a warm orange above the tree line where the sun is setting. A golden light glowed from a window outside the room. It was silent, but for the winds in the trees, humming a comforting lullaby that soothes her conflicting thoughts. Jessica worked at night and so did Taeyeon. Their schedule was perfect for them to spend their day time with one another, resting their tired bodies beside each other’s, taking comfort in each other’s presence. 

Taeyeon was happy that Jessica had come into her life, albeit abruptly. She felt no obligation or pressure from the blonde girl. Jessica had not asked her anything in return for her meticulous care and thoughtfulness. It was refreshing to see someone give so much to a mere stranger, and asked for no return. Not even a rendezvous or a midnight sexual romp. But the thoughts of Tiffany had a knack of creeping up to her unexpectedly, with nary a sound, to guilt her for allowing another person into her heart and rob her of the contentment from the small moments of bliss Jessica bestowed upon her, that she enjoyed thoroughly like it was a sinful pleasure, whenever it came. Taeyeon climbed out of the bed and ruffled her hair as she walked towards the small window of the room and watched the hustle and bustle of the city below, hoping for the liveliness to chase away the gloom that refused her freedom.

--

Jessica woke up to an empty bed and wondered absently where Taeyeon had gone. She spotted Taeyeon by the window and padded towards her softly. She slid her arms around Taeyeon’s waist and leaned into the older girl, breathing in the light scent of the balmy spring evening.

“Here you are, Taeyeon. What are you doing?”

“Thinking.”

“Thinking’s dangerous. What are you thinking about?”

Taeyeon’s gaze was distant and sombre. She didn’t have to answer for Jessica to know her reply.

“Don’t be so hard on yourself. It wasn’t meant to be.” Jessica comforted softly. She felt Taeyeon’s sigh with a weak rise and fall of her chest against her own. She gave Taeyeon a small squeeze as if to give her strength and to remind her of her presence and pull Taeyeon out of the not so distant past. 

Jessica held Taeyeon at arm’s length and stared at her. She brought one of her hands up to Taeyeon’s face and pulled the older girl’s chin in her direction, forcing the latter to look at her. Taeyeon looked at Jessica quizzically without a word, too tired and resigned by her thoughts to respond.

“Dear. You know it upsets me to see you upset over the same old thing right? It’s like watching all my efforts to cheer you up, go down the drain. Wasted. It’s devastating.” Jessica said with a concern that massaged her aching heart and pulled her back to reality. The frown in the blonde’s disapproving voice was one that a naughty son heard from his loving mother.

“You know, I really wished I’ve met you earlier.  We could fall in love. We could be lovers. I would sweep you off your feet and whisk you away to an unknown island. Just you and I. We could get married… You are good for me.” Taeyeon said, watching Jessica nose crinkle with laughter. Jessica laughed, making light of the situation that never failed to hurt her deeply. But she will not speak of it. It wasn’t her purpose when she was with Taeyeon. She was with the poor broken girl, only for the sole reason to piece her back together and get her on her feet. She will not take something that wasn’t hers. No matter how much her heart wanted to be selfish. If she were to be in Taeyeon’s heart, she wants to be the only one. She can’t content with second place.

Taeyeon watched Jessica’s whole body shake with mire and couldn’t help joining in the laughter. But as always, their happiness ended in an awkward silence.

“Look at you. Your hair is out of place. Was I that amusing?” Taeyeon said as Jessica’s laughter subsided. She reached out to brush the blonde’s bang to the side, but those intense brown eyes without let her ignore them. They were determined and strong, but there is a softness to them that cannot be hidden by an icy demeanour. 

“Have I mentioned that you have the most mesmerising eyes?” Taeyeon said in a low whisper, moving herself closer to Jessica naturally. Jessica managed a weak blush and curled a tendril of her blonde hair behind her ear. She was intensely aware of the close proximity Taeyeon was from her.

“You’re just yearning for something your heart doesn’t have room for, dear.” Jessica replied in a mature, intellectual and feminine poise. She gracefully slid sideways and sauntered lazily away.

“You see how good you are for me? Ever so sensible.” Taeyeon said lightly with a playful grin, the twinkle restored in her eyes. Surely it can't do any harm to indulge in a mild flirtation.

“Stop fooling around, dear. You’ll laugh at this conversation one day. You don’t want to love me. You just want to love what I represent. Warmth, care and stability. Now, come over and sit your bum down at the dining chair.” Jessica ordered and led the way to the small and modest 2 seater dining table in her kitchen.

Taeyeon watched as Jessica moved to and fro in the kitchen, bringing out the chicken bought at the super mart from the oven and serving them expertly. Taeyeon smiled at the homeliness Jessica made her feel.  Jessica sat herself down and lit the candles at the middle of the table because it was so dark, and the golden glow enhanced the cosiness of the room.

“How do you know I don’t want to love you? If I’ve met you earlier, I will love you and attend to your every need. I can make you happy.” Taeyeon whispered with a tinge of hurt in her tone. Her flashing dark eyes were intense with regret. For an instant, Jessica’s heart lurched at the sincerity in those words.

“‘My only need is one that you are unable to give me. Like you’ve said… Only if you’ve met me earlier. But you haven’t. You can’t even keep yourself happy now, dear. So don’t worry about me and eat up.” Jessica said matter-of-factly, with tactfulness and a pensive tone.

Taeyeon stared down at her plate. “Tiffany was a very special woman. You’re not her. You’re different. But it doesn’t make you any less special to me.” She said the words with such tenderness that Jessica felt the hairs stand up on her arms. She felt as if she had stumbled upon sacred grounds. She didn’t want Taeyeon to go through such agony to think of Tiffany or even comparing her with an ex-lover.

“You’re special to me too, my dear. But you’ve got to really start eating up. The food’s turning cold.” Jessica replied with carefully selected words. She didn’t want Taeyeon to promise something she can’t deliver. It gives more hope, which could only lead to more disappointment.

For the rest of the time till their hungry stomachs cleaned up their plates, the two ladies sat in comfortable silent with a mutual understanding that would only settle around old couples or soul mates. The warm candlelight provided the warmth both of them desperately needed to fill their empty hearts and painted them in warm hues of dancing yellow. The light threw flickering shadows against the wall that dance in tandem with the small flame and in step with the beats of their inquisitive hearts, in soundless curiosity of what is in store for them in the future.

Interlude #2

Tiffany ran out of Richard’s house and knew she looked by a hooker lost in day light, shredded stockings, dress askew. But she didn’t care. She had to get as far as she could from the pits of her sins and guilt. She ran at the fastest speed known to womankind, as if the faster she ran, she’ll be able to outrun her problems and leave them in the dust.

She thought she could seek solace in her meaningless sordid escapes as she had done before Taeyeon came into the picture. But she had thought wrong. Her tears made angry streaks across her face, her wind blown hair fluttered in the air with her momentum. Her heart imploded in her chest as her lungs burned to keep up with her.

How long she took to run home, she didn’t know. She walked shakily to the balcony and slumped to the ground against the glass railings, leaning her head against it and stared forlornly at the city landscape. Her breath fogged up the glass and she laughed at the memories it brought back.

--

FLASHBACK

Tiffany was tapping her feet impatiently. Her fingers drumming against the table top echoed within the now, sparsely populated Bronx. Taeyeon was an hour late. If Taeyeon was anyone else, Tiffany would have stalked off with an angry huff and swear to set that person’s hair on fire. But Taeyeon wasn’t just anybody. Taeyeon was somebody. Somebody that meant something to her.  Something that she could not figure out.

A sudden sharp rapping on the glass pane she was leaning against broke her out of her thoughts. She sat up straight and looked to throw a dirty look at the inconsiderate ***** who interrupted her train of thoughts, only to stare straight into a dorky, grinning Taeyeon. Her brow muscles immediately relaxed from the frown it was set in. She wanted to take a gun and shoot through the glass at Taeyeon for being late. But something inside of her couldn’t bring herself to do that. The sight of Taeyeon alone in this cold winter night warmed her up inside and that something inside of her never want that warmth to go away.

Taeyeon cupped her hands around her mouth and exhaled at the glass in front of her. The glass fogged up immediately and she drew her hand out of the comforts of her leather gloves to write on the glass.

“I’m sorry” Taeyeon wrote. Tiffany tried to suppress the smile that threatened to break out on her face. Taeyeon was such a kid! Struggling to write in the opposite orientation for Tiffany to read, ignoring the snow falling slowly on her that threatened to freeze her and numb her senses.

“Don’t be angry with the silly ol’ me. (: “ Taeyeon finished her childish attempt at apologising and stepped back to review her handiwork. She watched for Tiffany’s reaction and grinned foolishly again, just to get a smile on her lover’s face. She saw a small smile flashed across Tiffany’s face before the latter turned her back on her and across her arms in mock anger.

Taeyeon ran to the entrance of the Bronx and dashed towards Tiffany’s table. “Come on sweetheart, I’m sorry for being late. I was held up at the radio station. Don’t be angry with me.”

“You’re an hour late!” Tiffany huffed like a child, refusing to comply.

Taeyeon sat her down beside Tiffany and wrapped her arms around Tiffany and pressed her frost-bitten nose against the crook of Tiffany’s neck. “Don’t leave me out in the cold. I can’t do without you.” Taeyeon mumbled into Tiffany’s scarf and breathed a sigh.

Tiffany smiled. She knew Taeyeon couldn’t see it. But she smiled nonetheless and returned the embrace wordlessly. This warmth she’s feeling can never be replaced. Even if the stars burnt out and the world stops spinning, her crazy heart will never be alone in the cold again.

Or so she thought.

--

There was a sharp edge to the wind, as if the icy fingers of winter were clawing in, in the middle of spring. Or perhaps winter lingered in this house alone and those icy fingers belonged to Tiffany’s resignation to fate.

This has been how she had been living her life: keeping a comfortable distance. Taeyeon slipping into her heart was too close for comfort and she did what she would usually do: withdraw herself. Only thing now was, that wasn’t what her heart wanted. If only she was lucid enough to realise.

This morning has been so unkind. Sleep had eluded her and left her alone to carry the weight of unravelling where she had went wrong. The morning light had stolen away the dark she needed to fade into.  The dark that she had so desperately clawed at for answers. The dark that can wash away the memories of choosing not to fight. The dark where she could pretend she was not alone.

If only I could hear you breathe a sigh or two, to let me feel the hands I would love to hold, for me to be with you once again. I’m just too far from where you are. Too far for your to hear my foolish heart. Only if you heard what it had to say to you…

Part XVII

FLASHBACK

“Hi Richard.” Tiffany said with her tone low, leaning against the door frame of Richard’s apartment and forced a teeth clenching fake smile on her face. Richard had always been her escape. So here she was, at his doorsteps at 6 in the morning, hoping to escape the voices that filled her head. 

“Hi yourself, baby. Where have you gone for the past month? You never called.” Richard replied, pulling Tiffany in, caressing her back daringly, touching every bit of her that he could reach and burying his gruff face into her smooth luscious locks, already taking nibbles at her soft exposed neck.

“Somebody seem to miss me a lot, huh?” Tiffany giggled, her voice evocative, sensual and welcoming. She pressed against him, pushing him back into his apartment and pulled the door shut.

“And somebody is impatient today, but I ain’t complaining. I like my girls hot and impatient.” Richard replied with a dirty smirk and lifted Tiffany onto the dining table.

Tiffany dropped her black strapless dress and shook it off, letting it gather at her hips and wrapped her legs around Richard. “Is this hot enough for you then, Rich?” Tiffany whispered seductively, letting every word roll across her tongue slowly and dangerously.

Richard let out a low growl and the game begun.

--

Richard littered kisses down from Tiffany’s neck and hovered dangerously low on her hips, his breath teased Tiffany, but she felt … nothing.

All she felt was the cold unforgiving dining table against her bare back and all she was aware of was how his low baritone jarred her ears.

I could drink a case of you and still be on my feet.

You’re wrong, Tiff. Because I’m never gonna stop trying. Not now. Not ever. 

Tell me why I’m still here, Tiff. Give me a good reason.

Why don’t you love me?

Why wouldn’t you tell me and help me understand?

Taeyeon’s words bombarded her mind; the sex on the dining table reminded her of the love making with Taeyeon after the accident. Reminded her of the love she felt. The love that she missed. Every touch, every kiss Richard gave her felt like a hot iron rod against her skin. They burnt and marked her, scarring her. Her breath quicken, her heart pounded and her cold, clammy hands trembled. 

Tiffany let out a primal scream just as Richard lowered his head and his tongue grazed her below. Richard recoiled from Tiffany, shooting her a bewildered look as she curled herself into a ball and hugged herself tightly muttering incoherently to herself.

“What’s wrong baby? Am I not doing it right?” Richard’s oily low baritone sent shivers down Tiffany’s spine. He stroked her leg and attempted to kiss her by the neck.

“Stop Richard. Just … STOP!” Tiffany screamed and shoved him away. She shook and shivered, her eyes darting between Richard and the distance between the two of them, willing him to stay where he was with her eyes. She pulled her dress up to save whatever sliver of modesty she had left and rolled off the table clumsily.

“Tiffany. What. Is. Wrong?” Richard’s voice slowly escalated as he emphasized every word with precise control. No man likes to be played. No man likes to be teased and not get his prize, and Richard was a man. He wasn’t letting Tiffany go. Not before he got what he wanted.

Tiffany scrambled to the door, only to be yanked back painfully by her hair. Her hands shot up to Richard's big, almost paw-like hands that was pulling a fistful of her beautiful black locks. “You are not going anywhere baby. Didn’t you say you like it here?” Richard growled and slammed Tiffany roughly against the wall, pushing his need against her hips. Tears stared to pour out of Tiffany’s eyes as the pain against her head brought bright spots to her eyes.

“Let me go, Richard! Richard, please! Let me go, you BAST*RD!” Tiffany struggled in Richard’s vice-like grip on her wrists that pinned her to the wall, her eyes now branded with genuine fear. But Richard didn’t hear any of her words. The only thing that called out to him was the sugar below her waist.

And oh, how all men loved and craved for tasty sugar.

--

Tiffany thrashed violently in Richard’s grasp, only to have him bite down on her soft neck, HARD and felt his need rub against her through his jeans, vulgarly. Tiffany knew that she was about to be raped. She had to do something, quick. She tried to keep Richard away from her with her right hand against his filthy face and her left hand strained to grab the beer bottle lying just within her grasp. The moment her fingers wrapped around the glass object, a surge of electricity surged through her body and her heart raced as she saw her very own hand bring the glass bottle down on Richard’s head in slow motion and watched him fall to the ground with a muffled thud. The blood trickled down his temple and seeped into the cream carpeted floor, staining it bright red. She stared at Richard in horror and the broken glass bottle slipped from her hands and clattered to the floor, rolling and it stopped right inside the pool of blood that is starting to form beside Richard’s head.

Tiffany bent down slowly beside Richard’s face and brought a finger under his nose to check if he was still breathing. She let out a relieved sigh when she felt his shallow breathing against her finger. She shakily stood up, tore her eyes off Richard’s unconscious body and dialled 911 with his house phone before dashing out of the house, getting as far away from the mess as her legs could carry her.

Oh my, my. This girl was nothing but trouble.

--

Tiffany sat in her balcony until the sun set. The floor around her was covered with stubbed cigarettes. The shadows in her haunted eyes seemed to spread around her and envelope the house in dread. She smell like death and she felt closer to it than she had ever felt tonight. 18 days without a call, a text or even a word. She was abandoned and all alone. The tears filled her eyes for the umpteen time that day. She was starting to think others saw her as defective, and maybe she was. That there’s nothing there. Behind the looks, the expensive designer brands and make up, there’s nothing to know. Absolutely hollow. Maybe Taeyeon saw her that way and Taeyeon didn’t want her anymore. Maybe that’s why she is all alone now. She shook her head, trying to dislodge the thought from her mind. 

No! NO, that isn’t possible. Taeyeon loves me. Taeyeon LOVES me. She’ll come back. She will. She has to. I miss the way we sleep. I miss the way her deep soulful eyes look at me. I miss the way we breathe. I miss the way she sings and meant every word she sang to me. But how do I tell her that I’m missing everything about her? How do I tell her after all that has been said and done, I still want her? How do I tell her everything I do reminds me of her? How do I tell? How do I tell her when she doesn’t even bother to call to check on me?

Tiffany stood up and exhaled, long and drawn out. She watched the city slowly light up in the night and sucked hard at her last cigarette, deliberately deep and slow, wishing for the poison to cut the voices in her head or her life, whichever came first, before stubbing it out with her bare fingers and a strained smile. The lit cigarette burnt her skin. It sent a split second of excruciating pain through her fingertips, but she didn't mind. In fact, she liked it. She wanted to be able to feel the hurt physically, to let the hurt remain her that she was still alive. 

Alive, but all alone.

--

Tiffany raised her eyes heavenward, hands clasped over her heart and dropped to her knees as she whispered painfully and breathlessly, “Lord, have mercy on my soul for I have walked a sinful road. Now, I’m here, down on my knees … have mercy on me, please.”

Tiffany brought the cold metal blade against her wrist and drew a long deep line across and watched the blood seep out of her and fall onto the floor like the life that seeped out of her when Taeyeon walked out that door. She felt a cool rush of relief passing through her body as the wind raked toward her tangled hair as she closed her eyes and prayed for salvation.

--

FLASHBACK

*bang* *bang* *bang* The loud gunshots resounded in the small enclosed, brightly lit confines of a indoor firing range. The shots were like thunder, beyond even the ability of the noise-blocking headset she wore to eliminate them completely.

“Taecyeon.” Stephanie called out as he reloaded his gun. He could hear her, but he wasn’t about to reply her. He wasn’t in the mood to deal with her. Not right now.

*bang* *bang* *bang*. Another round from the .38 calibre Beretta was fired. Stephanie felt as if every shot was meant for her heart.

“Taecyeon?  A moment of your time, please? I know you don’t want to talk to me now, but we can’t keep avoiding this. “Tiffany brought a hand to his arm to turn him around, her eyes pleading with him. Taecyeon’s muscled arm shot out to shake her off and she stumbled back from his force, the headset knocked right off her head.

“Don’t tell me what to do Steph. You have no right. No right at all. When I said I wanted to be alone. I mean, I. Want. To. Be. Alone. Which part of that do you not get?”

“Taec…I’m sorry.”

“Stop. You don’t get the right to apologise. You don’t get the right to apologise for trying your best. But Natalie’s gone now. Nothing can change that. Not you, not me, not sorry. So, goodbye Steph.”

“I love Nat too, Taec! Don’t act like it doesn’t hurt me too.” The anger seeping into her voice.

“Oh yeah? You do? That was my sister that you failed to save Steph. MY. SISTER. Do you know how much she mean to me? I taught her how to write. I taught her how to ride a bike. I had so much more that I wanted to teach her, but because of YOUR incompetency, she died. In the hands of a madman. I didn’t even get the chance to say goodbye. So, your hurt, YOUR HURT, is no where close to what I’m feeling now. So, just go.” Taecyeon whispered in Tiffany’s face in a low and measured tone, irritation barely held in check made his words almost an accusation. His eyes burnt holes through her forehead. The muscle in his arm was tensed, his grip on the Beretta tight as he struggled to be in control.

“I’ll go.” Tiffany back down, tears brimming in her eyes.

“Yes, you do that.” Taecyeon spat the words out venomously and continue shooting, more rapidly this time.

Tiffany turned around and walked out the shooting range, knowing that every furious shot Taecyeon fired was meant for her heart. She had no one to turn to, at the moment she needed someone most. But what could she do? Natalie didn’t have anyone when she died either, and for a moment, Stephanie felt like a part of her heart died along with Natalie.

--

Tiffany picked up her drink and slowly swirled it around, watching the ice bump against one another and the glass. She glanced at the crumpled photo in her hands for a long while before going back to her drink. After five shots and a bucket full of tears, Tiffany slipped off the stool at the bar counter and watched the crumpled photo flutter to the ground. The happy faces of herself, Natalie and Taecyeon stared back at her mockingly.

“F*ck you all. Quit staring at me like that.” Tiffany said to nothing in particular and stumbled towards her room. She turned around just when she was about to enter her room and said, “You know what? The person who invented the phrase 'happily ever after' should have their ass kicked...so hard.” Tiffany let out a hollow laugh and wished for tomorrow to never come.

This … this is why I don’t deserve to have anyone, much less, you.

Part XVIII

“Taeyeon! Are you drinking?”

“Yes. No. I mean…not exactly.” Taeyeon replied innocently and fumbled to hide the bottle of vodka under the bar counter.

“Taeyeon…” Jessica threatened with gritted teeth, throwing in her signature glare to boot.

“It’s…It’s only because I can’t sleep. See, I’m not drunk.” Taeyeon placed the bottle back on the bar counter. There is only so much she can lie about after being caught red-handed.

“You’re coming back to bed with me, N.O.W. “ Jessica said, or rather, commanded and grabbed Taeyeon by the wrist to pull the latter off the bar stool. Taeyeon stumbled from the momentum, only to be caught just in time by Jessica’s arms. Jessica’s arms felt like the echoes of lost warmth on a winter day, like the crackling fireplace in a large forlorn house, like the comfort Taeyeon thought the vodka could provide her. Taeyeon instinctively pulled Jessica in by her petite waist and held her tightly, as if her life depended on it.

“Taeyeon …  what are you doin-"

“Shhhh. Let’s stay like this for a moment, shall we?” Taeyeon cut Jessica off before she could finish her sentence and as always, Jessica relented.

“What are we now, Jessica?” Taeyeon asked in a quiet voice. “Why can’t you open up to me?”

“What are you talking about, silly? I’ve told you everything about myself. Even the part where I bit the guy too hard on the lips on my first kiss and never saw him again.” Jessica deflected Taeyeon’s question with a light chuckle at the old memory.

“You know what I’m talking about Jessica…” Taeyeon whispered, refusing to avoid the subject as they always had.

“You’re drunk. Let’s get you back to bed. We can talk in the morning.” Jessica replied adamantly. Taeyeon looked up at Jessica, and they stared at each other like two bulls circling each other. Each willing the other to break first, to start the fight.

“No! Not until you answer my question!” Taeyeon rebuked and pushed Jessica away.

It was Jessica’s turn to reply quietly, “Don’t do this, Taeyeon. Not right now.” Jessica hated this subject. She knew that she had no say in what they would become, but she held on nonetheless, unwilling to break the carefully disguised relationship they shared, thinking if she did, she could lie to  herself for a little longer that Taeyeon would one day have a change of heart.

Taeyeon’s shoulders slumped as she tried to move towards Jessica. “Let me love you, Jessi. You know I can.”

“No, you can’t.” Jessica said with resolve in her eyes and stared straight back at Taeyeon’s tired and sunken eyes, willing herself to not cry. “You and I both know that I’m not what you need.”

“You’re perfect for me.”

“The one you can’t have is always the most perfect, Taeyeon. Don’t get yourself confused. I’m not the best for you. You know that. Don’t make this hard. For you and for me. Now, stop being a silly tart and come back to bed with me.” Jessica tried to keep her voice light, as if they were having a normal daily conversation. She turned her back away from Taeyeon to hide the tears that threatened to fall, only to find Taeyeon’s arms wrapped possessively around her. She could feel the hair stand on the back of her neck with a pleasant tingling sensation at the pit of her stomach as Taeyeon whispered into her ears.

“I don’t want the best. I want you.”

Jessica closed her eyes forcefully and bit her tongue for even thinking of being weak for once and giving in to Taeyeon. “My dear, please stop. You know that isn’t true.” Jessica shivered as Taeyeon’s arms left her. She still didn’t have the courage to turn around to face the older girl. She whimpered a little when Taeyeon raised her voice at her. Taeyeon’s thunderous voice shook the lousy apartment and threatened to bring the ceiling down on them.

“YOU ARE NOT GIVING ME THE CHANCE TO MAKE IT COME TRUE!”

“You do not know what you’re signing up for, Taeyeon. So stop being silly and stop shouting IN MY HOUSE. If you want to scream, leave.” Jessica’s voice, too rose a few decibels; her subtle agitation stark to Taeyeon. It wasn’t in Jessica’s nature to raise her voice beyond her cool and collected tone.

“Just give me a chance, Jessi. Please.” Taeyeon pleaded and tried to wrap her arms around Jessica again.

“The chance is not mine to give. Goodnight Taeyeon.” Jessica replied silently and dropped her gaze . She left a defeated Taeyeon behind as she head to bed and locked the door wordlessly with a racing heart. In the dark, she heard her own teardrops hit the pillow before she knew she was crying. She balled up and sobbed her broken heart out. She didn’t notice Taeyeon unlocking the door and slipping behind her on the bed and caressed her arm comfortingly.

“I want to love you, Jessica. Let me.” Taeyeon whispered matter-of-factly, delivering the bombshell in a quiet voice and buried her face in Jessica’s blonde tresses. Whatever control Jessica had was tore down by Taeyeon’s words. She brought her hand up to muffle a cry and choked on a sob. Jessica had always hated those weeping women in the movies, thinking they had taken her share of tears and her will was strong enough to keep her from wallowing in self-pity and from crying. Now, she wondered when and how she had became just another weeping woman … all because of Taeyeon.

Part XIX

The cooling night air whipped Tiffany’s black tresses in the winds as she raced down the city of Seoul with the roof of her car down. Aimlessly zooming around the city, Tiffany’s frustration slowly ebbed away, cooled by the damp spring wind that now penetrated her skin and calmed her distressed heart.

After two highways and uncountable taillights, Tiffany slowed her car to a crawl and the engine’s roar lowered to a low hum outside the Bronx. Tiffany sat in the car and contemplated whether to step out into the familiar place which no longer held any reason for her to be there anymore. In her rear mirror, she looked at her reflection and for a moment, the haunted face of a woman, weathered beyond her years stared grimly back at her.

With a sigh, she turned off the ignition and stepped out of the car. Her black hair fell loosely in waves over her smooth cream shoulders and she walked with leaden feet into the Bronx and into the booth Taeyeon and her used to share. She exhaled loudly and threw her head back with closed eyes to breathe in the cosy familiarity of the Bronx before lowering her head and running her hands through her hair.

--

From the counter, Sunny caught sight of a distraught Tiffany and wondered vaguely to herself what this wild child was doing in her modest bistro instead of the city’s newest and loudest club. She reached out to her notepad in her apron and strode towards the beautiful girl, clicking her tongue in distaste as she went.

“Why, today must be my lucky day to have your presence grace my humble bistro, Tiffany. What would you like to have?” Sunny spoke in a condescending tone and tapped her left foot in mock impatience.

Tiffany lifted her head to face Sunny and the latter almost choked on her next sharp remark at the sight of a dishevelled Tiffany with shadows under her eyes. Sunny pushed her disdain for Tiffany aside and slipped into the seat and sat beside Tiffany. She wrapped her arms around the girl without being asked and gave Tiffany a light squeeze. 

Tiffany liked the affable and motherly girl well enough, and felt envy at her easy self-assurance. 

No wonder Taeyeon was best friends with this protective girl, similarity in height aside.

 she thought.

“What brought you here, Tiffany?” Sunny asked in a measured tone. Sunny wasn’t the sort to kick a wounded animal when it's down and she wouldn’t spar with Tiffany tonight when the latter is obvious not in her usual form, putting her verbal guns back into their holsters.

“I didn’t have any other place to go and I thought of you as a friend, even if you hated me from my empty head to my manicured toes.” Tiffany stated matter-of-factly. Sunny snorted.

An awkward silence shrouded the two and Sunny broke the silence with a sudden exclamation. “Let me get us coffee”, before zipping out of the booth and into the kitchen.

Tiffany sat motionless and impassive as her eyes followed Sunny’s back before her gaze fell to her clasped hands on the table in front of her.

Sunny soon returned and placed the coffee in front of Tiffany, sipping her own. At least now, the coffee gave them both a good excuse not to talk with their mouth occupied. Tiffany looked up to give Sunny an appreciative smile before her smile returned to a flat line.

Although at times she had wished this beautiful girl dead,  Sunny’s kind nature wouldn’t allow her to leave Tiffany alone. Her worried gaze never left the younger girl. She hoped with her comforting presence, she could make her feel better. Sunny wasn’t used to a weak and helpless Tiffany. She would prefer to get the old arrogant Tiffany back. At least she wouldn’t feel guilty for thoughts of murder dancing in her imaginative mind.

Tiffany drew warmth from the cup of coffee between her hands and allowed the rich intoxicating aroma assault her senses. She felt a little more human now, to feel genuine care from a person that barely even liked her. It has been so long since she had been cared for, much less loved. Thoughts of herself single-handedly pushing Taeyeon away and thoughts of a dumb blonde in her place pained her. Suddenly, a large bubble grew in her belly, climbed up her windpipe and escaped her throat in a loud, uncontrollable sob. Her tears scalded her face with anger and guilt. Her hot tears appalled and embarrassed her but she was unable to stop.

Sunny put her cup, now empty of coffee haphazardly down on the table and it clanked loudly against the table surface as she wrapped her arms around Tiffany once more and gave the younger girl comforting pats on the back. Sunny didn’t even like her and she wondered how she got stuck with a wounded crying animal, wrapped in Gucci, no less.

“Tiffany, what’s wrong. You can’t come in here and just cry. It’s not fair to me!” Sunny protested.

“I miss her, Sunny. I miss Taeyeon.” Tiffany choked out in between heart wrenching sobs. Sunny froze and withdrew her arms.

“Taeyeon is doing fine now, Tiffany. Don’t you dare try to take her apart again.” Sunny hissed.

“I can’t live without her. She’s the reason I’m alive!” Tiffany exclaimed. “She keeps feigning death off for me, but she doesn’t teach me how to go on living and I don’t know how.”

“Nobody does, Tiffany! Nobody! But we keep trying. If you love Taeyeon enough, have the decency to find out!” Sunny voice rose in volume as she moved out of the seat and stood up, indignant.

“I can’t! I just can’t, alright? I don’t know how. Can’t you understand? I DO NOT KNOW HOW.” Tiffany looked up at Sunny in exasperation, emphasizing every syllable of her last line.

“Life is so precious. You have it. So LIVE your friggin’ life. Look forward and keep pushing on. That is all you can do. That’s how you survive, Tiffany. When it hurts so much and you continue to breathe, continue to try living … that’s how you survive.” Sunny shouted, attracting the curious stares of the bistro’s late night customers. She stormed off in a huff and left a sobbing Tiffany behind.

Tiffany could only stare into her now cold cup of coffee and watch her tears fall and sink into the brown liquid, disappearing like Taeyeon from the murky waters of her life.

--

FLASHBACK

Stephanie was six when her mother fell ill and became bedridden. Her dad tells her that 

Mummy 

has to rest a lot because she was sick and that 

Daddy 

was going to be home more often to take care of 

Mummy

, and the young Stephanie could only rejoice to have both her parents constantly around her, even if it meant no more playgrounds and walks in the park with

Mummy

, she was happy.

But as the months passed, 

Mummy’s 

skin became a blotched patchwork of yellow and grey, her face was sunken to the bone and with each brush of young Stephanie’s little hands on 

Mummy’s 

head, once beautiful and luscious hair fell out in handfuls.

Mummy 

became frail; her chapped lips cracked with every smile for little Stephanie, every word she uttered became more laboured than the one before until all that's left of her voice was just barely a hoarse whisper.

“Stephanie, Mummy is going to heaven with soon, and I want you to listen to your daddy well, when I’m gone alright?” Mrs Hwang croaked one autumn evening as the fireplace crackled with warmth outside in the living room where Mr Hwang was speaking agitatedly in a stern hushed voice.

“Why, mummy? Don’t you want to be with me?” Stephanie’s young innocuous mind couldn’t comprehend the gravity of the situation.

“Mummy is ill and Mummy will be going to heaven with Jesus and the angels will take care of me.” Mrs Hwang replied with a smile that didn’t quite reach her eyes.

“When are you coming back, Mummy?” Stephanie asked, her young mind hadn’t grasped the meaning of her mother’s words and things like death were alien to a child of only six.

“I …” Mrs Hwang was in the midst of trying to get Stephanie to understand her imminent death from her battle with cancer when she whispered in an urgent tone to her daughter. “Stephanie, hide in the closet, NOW!” before she summoned the strength to give Stephanie a light push with her bony hand towards the closet. Stephanie’s bright innocent eyes questioned her mother’s sudden order but did not challenge it. She clambered into the closet and watched her mother through the slits of the closet door's wood panels.

Mrs Hwang watched her husband approach her from the hallway outside her bedroom and noticed his crazed expression, his unfocused eyes and the gun in his large hand. She knew that there had been troubles in Hwang Corporations with his absence in the company when he stayed by her side to take care of her. She had never questioned him about his work, but as a woman and his wife of almost a decade, she could sense the ominous cloud of anger swirling dangerous around her husband at the very moment.

Mr Hwang came into the bedroom and sat by his faithful wife’s side and caressed her face with his free hand and brushed the wisps of hair off her forehead, exposing  the white, tightly stretched skin of her forehead and whispered, “Darling. How are you feeling today?”

“I’m feeling a little better tonight, dear.” Mrs Hwang replied in a strained voice. She clenched her fists that were by her sides to stop her fragile body from trembling.

“Well, I don’t feel so good myself today actually. You want to know why?” Mr Hwang asked, a sad smile spread on his charming, handsome face. Mrs Hwang could only stare blankly back at him. The man in front of her wasn't the husband she had laid beside every night for a decade. This man right in front of her was a stranger, a doppleganger of her husband. Her eyes turned red from the tears cancer prevented her from crying.

“My faithful partner, Mr Park has embezzled my company’s funds and when the market opens tomorrow, our shares would tumble down faster than lightning and it would be the end of my dead father’s hard work and his trust in me … because, I was by your side, 24/7, caring for you, loving you like a husband should. You. YOU distracted me from my work and now, it has to end.” Stephanie recoiled from the volume of her father’s voice and watched him point a gun to her mother’s head. Her eyes widen in shock but caught her mother’s gaze as Mrs Hwang turned her head towards the closet and gave Stephanie a reassuring smile.

 I love you

 those eyes said, before they closed in preparation for what is to come.

Mr Hwang pulled the trigger and the gunshot roared in little Stephanie’s ears before she watched her beloved father lift the gun to his head and fired a second shot, his eyes closed, tears streaming down his face. He fell almost in slow motion and landed on top of his wife, his bleeding head on her bosom, staining her white night dress with a crimson red.

Stephanie’s high pitched scream was the last thing that pierced the silent night in the now empty house meant for a once warm and happy family. Over a span of a few minutes, she had lost the two very people who never once let her forget how fiercely they loved her and overnight, Stephanie became alone for the many lonely and fear-ridden years to come.

Oh, that faithful night…

--

Tiffany jolted in her seat from the old memory that she swore to bury and her eyes glanced around her surrounding, her ears still ringing from the gunshots from her head. She quickly slipped out of the seat, sweeping the coffee cups off the table accidently and hadn’t notice them break into dangerous shards as she raced out of the Bronx and into her car, ignoring the dirty looks strangers were giving her.

She slammed the car door shut and drew her knees to her chest, taking in rapid gasps of breath like the frightened young Stephanie did, almost two decades ago.

“Daddy, don’t kill Mummy.” Tiffany pleaded in a soft voice to no one in particular, her eyes darting to observe her surrounding, as if at any moment, someone would put a gun to her head and threaten to shoot her as well.

Unknown to the world outside Tiffany’s car, a young Stephanie sat in the driver’s seat with her knees to her chest, crying for the parents she had lost, with no one to hear her cries.

Not even Taeyeon.

The only person who could help keep those painful memories at bay.

Part XX

In the darkness, Jessica laid in Taeyeon’s arms willing herself not to cry. Taeyeon stroked her arm and littered small kisses on her neck. Jessica did nothing to encourage her but also did little to protest. With nary a space between herself and Taeyeon. Their intimacy was excruciating slow and tender. It had forced her to feel, to really feel every touch that lit a fire in her nerves. Taeyeon gently pulled Jessica by her shoulder to face her with a propped elbow and with Jessica on her back. Taeyeon studied her features and wiped the tears off Jessica’s cheeks with the pad of her thumb. The tears that betrayed Jessica’s every word. The tears that spoke of her restraint. The tears that spoke of her pain. The tears … the tears that spoke of a love that never should have been.

In the warm yellow light cast by the moon through the window, Taeyeon unburdened Jessica of the t-shirt and shorts she wore, unwrapping her slowly as if she was a precious delicate porcelain gift. Her eyes drank in the feast of smooth and creamy skin for the first time, committing to memory every contour and every line. Jessica’s body was heavenly. Taeyeon kissed her every inch of her flesh, felt every tremor and shiver and her hands moulded, squeezed and caressed the younger girl, letting her gentleness soothe and unknot the tightly bounded heart of Jessica’s.

Jessica squirmed and buckled in pleasure underneath Taeyeon and her skilful hands, the peaceful silence of the house punctured every now and then with raspy gasps and shiver inducing moans from Jessica. Afraid of wounding the vulnerable Jessica and start another verbal debate, Taeyeon said nothing and didn’t question her good fortune, but wrapped Jessica in her arms and pressed her lips to hers. She breathed in the scent of her skin, pulsating with life, warm and sweet to her lips like the taste of crisp lemongrass and vanilla and closed her eyes.

After they had made love, they laid entwined, bodies coated with a film of sweat, engulfed in an unsettling mixture of joy and sorrow, painfully aware of their transience relationship.

Jessica knew that they had crossed a line they shouldn’t have. A line where on the other side, her heart laid opened and ready to be hurt. Jessica’s lips began to tremble and she lifted her hand to steady them. She knew if anyone looked too closer, they would notice the tears that stung her eyes and the sob she held inside would escape her throat.

“Talk to me  … please.” Taeyeon pleaded, Jessica’s eerie silence has scared her. She still had no idea where they stood, what they would become together. She needed to know.

“Please leave, Taeyeon.” Jessica simply replied, her voice weak. There was no room for argument with her quiet order.

Taeyeon knew better than to push her luck, afraid to lose what she had with Jessica. She gently slid off the bed and got dressed before casting one last look at Jessica who stared into space, her eyes carrying a pain and burden that was reflected in her own eyes and left the apartment with a heavy heart and memories of a body she might never get to feel, bare under her hands again.

--

It was almost 4am. The time when people crawled home from the clubs to settle for the night. The time when children are in their deepest slumber. But here Tiffany was, sitting on the doorsteps of Taeyeon’s house, hugging her bag to her chest and patiently waiting, tired from continually ringing the doorbell and banging on the doors. She shivered from the slightest of breeze and her teeth chattered as the cold seeped through her clothes and chilled her to the bone.

Her ears perked at the sound of a familiar engine’s rumble and the sight of headlights down the road that leads towards Taeyeon’s house. The road hadn’t had a single car pass by since Tiffany’s arrival. 

The car has got to be Tae Tae’s!

 Tiffany thought.

“Tiff … Tiffany. What are you doing here?” Taeyeon asked in surprise, the jingling of her keys stopped abruptly.

“Tae …” Tiffany managed to feebly utter. Taeyeon took in the sight of Tiffany. Her red eyes; her face puffy from crying; her hair wild and wind blown. 

“Look at you.” Taeyeon said with a regretful sigh and picked Tiffany off the ground. She brought the shivering girl into her house and placed her gently on the couch. She turned to flick on the light switches on the opposite wall when Tiffany held on to her arm with one hand as the other reached out to take Taeyeon’s hand, but the latter jerked away.

“Have to turn on the lights.” Taeyeon grunted and walk towards the switches.

With the lights turned on, Tiffany could see Taeyeon’s bed tousled hair and crumpled clothing clearly but she bit down the sharp remark spawned from jealousy that threatened to bubble out of her mouth. Taeyeon didn’t look like she had any intention to leave her place against the wall and she put as much distance as she could between herself and her ex-lover.

Their eyes met. But Taeyeon’s eyes darted away from Tiffany’s questioning gaze as though the simple action has burnt her. Taeyeon couldn’t hold the latter’s gaze for more than two seconds for fear of betraying her conflicted feelings. Thoughts of Jessica and their love-making were still fresh in her head.

“Why are you here?” Taeyeon asked quietly, her eyes staring intently at her floor tiles.

“I’ve got to see you again. I missed you. I’ve got a screw loose, you see.” Tiffany replied with unnerving directness. Her face scrunched up as if she was disgusted by her own words. It was always this way with her. She makes Taeyeon heart beat a tad bit faster with her tiny confessions disguised as sharp snide remarks. It was unfair. It really was. 

Now it was Tiffany’s turn to avert Taeyeon’s gaze, uncertainty billowing in the older girl’s eyes, before she glanced away. 

It was so alien and unnerving for Taeyeon to see Tiffany again. The times they had spent together seemed like just yesterday. Taeyeon didn’t know what to say. 

What could she say anyway? I’m sorry, but I’ve been trying my hardest not to miss you and I think I would have done it if you hadn’t appear at my doorsteps at four in the morning?

 So, Taeyeon stayed mum.

Tiffany couldn’t take the stifling silence and asked rudely, “Been at the Blonde’s huh?”

“Yeah. A lot actually.” Taeyeon calmly replied. Her eyes defiant.

“Really?” Tiffany asked airily masking her hurt and walked towards Taeyeon until their faces were just inches apart.

“Really.” Taeyeon affirmed with a simple word. “We’ve been sleeping together too.”

“What?” Tiffany drew back, alarm and hurt in her tone in equal measures. Taeyeon stared blank eyed back at Tiffany.

Tiffany staggered backwards. She stumbled back onto the couch and hugged a cushion as though it was her shield against Taeyeon’s statement and brought her knees up to her chest. A fresh wave of tears poured out of her eyes. “Why?”

Taeyeon, alarmed by Tiffany sudden change in attitude, flew to her side and tried to calm the wailing girl.

“Look, that wasn’t what I meant. I wasn’t SLEEPING with her, just sleeping over. “ Taeyeon tripped over her tiny fib and tried to appear as honest as she could.

“Oh really?  Because it certainly felt like you did.” Tiffany snapped back.

“I’m sorry.” Taeyeon lowered her head, ashamed. Some things just don’t change. Three weeks after, Taeyeon was still like a reprimanded school boy in front of Tiffany. “So … why are you here now?” Taeyeon asked tenderly. 

Like a pendulum, Tiffany’s mood and tone changed again. “Tae Tae, let’s … let’s get back together, why don’t we?” A hint of desperation coloured Tiffany’s pleading eyes. She reached for Taeyeon’s hand again and this time, the older girl didn’t move away. She only stared silently at their hands clasped together. The blank stare slowly turned into a frown as Taeyeon turned Tiffany’s palm skywards, her fingers tracing the freshly healed wounds that scarred Tiffany’s wrists.

“What are these, Tiffany! Have you been hurting yourself?” Taeyeon asked in astonishment. Tiffany withdrew her hands and crossed her arms.

“No. no, I haven’t.” Tiffany retorted. 

Taeyeon slide closer to Tiffany and pried her arms apart. Her voice cracked with emotion as she whispered softly. “Fany-ah. Why did you hurt yourself?”

“I deserved to feel the pain.” Tiffany replied vaguely.

“No one deserves to be hurt this way!”

“I do.” Tiffany got up and reached for her bag roughly causing the contents to clatter onto the floor. She bent to scoop her belongings back up when Taeyeon’s hand shot out and snatched the bottle of sleeping pills off the floor.

“You’ve been on these?” Taeyeon asked accusingly and held the bottle of sleeping pills in front of Tiffany’s face, shaking its content violently.

“Give it back! I had to, okay? I have had countless sleepless night since you left. The voices wouldn’t leave me alone.” Tiffany’s eyes were clouded with sudden fear. Her voice dropped to barely a whisper. “Natalie and Taecyeon are back to get me, Taeyeon. I’m afraid. I don’t want to be alone. The noise scares me.” Tiffany sobbed and crumpled to the floor and hugged the couch’s seat.

“Who is Natalie? Who is Taecyeon? Tiffany. Who are they? Why are they trying to get you? Tell me. I’ll deal with them for you.” 

“They are dead. They are dead and they are back to get me. It’s time I joined them.” Tiffany replied. Her voice was suddenly clipped, icy and emotionless. Her eyes became glassy as she stared into space.

“I don’t understand … Fany, I …” Taeyeon’s confusion written all over her face as she reached for Tiffany. Her hands barely grazed Tiffany skin when the latter sprung away from her with alarming velocity and ran behind the couch.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to get them killed. I’m sorry. Please, please don’t hurt me. Please go away. I’m sorry.” Tiffany whimpered. Taeyeon froze in her spot. What is going on? She thought. She took small cautious steps towards Tiffany and kneeled down in front of the frightened girl. She extended her hand towards her and beckoned her to hold it. But Tiffany only cowered further away from her. Her eyes made her face slid into a mire of fear. She was terrified.

“Tiffany … Tiffany. What’s wrong? I’m not going to hurt you.” Taeyeon said soothingly and took Tiffany by her wrist.

“NO! NO! Don’t kill Mummy! Please! Please! Stephanie would be a good girl. Please don’t kill Mummy!” Tiffany screamed as though she had gone berserk. Startled, Taeyeon wrapped her arms around Tiffany in an attempt to calm her.

“No one is getting killed. Shhhhh. No one is getting killed.” Taeyeon whispered into Tiffany’s ear. But Tiffany thrashed wildly like a cornered animal in Taeyeon’s arms, struggling to break free.

“Let me go! Let me go! Please! Just let me go! I’ll be good. I promise.” Tiffany wailed. But Taeyeon kept her arms wrapped tightly around the thrashing girl until she ran out of energy and her head lolled limply against Taeyeon’s chest. Tiffany’s eyes closed in exhaustion as Taeyeon brushed the tears off her mascara streaked face.

“What is going on, Tiffany? Who's Stephanie? What's wrong? Just tell me and I’ll make it right. I promise.” Taeyeon whispered to the now asleep Tiffany, serene and delicate in her arms. Tears streamed down Taeyeon’s face. She was scared, confused and chilled to the bone all at the same time.

Taeyeon held Tiffany close gently, as though, if she held Tiffany too tightly, she would break apart like a dry leaf, so fragile and brittle that one touch would crumble her into a million pieces. 

Like a shadow, Tiffany had silently wormed her way back into Taeyeon’s heart that was already bursting at its seams.

Part XXI

Taeyeon laid awake just beyond the reach of the first rays of the morning, as the sun slowly rises outside the windows. She was lost in her thoughts when she felt Tiffany snuggle into her, nuzzle her face into the crook of her neck and moulded her body against hers. She could feel Tiffany’s arms wrap themselves tightly around her torso as though, even in her sleep, she was afraid that Taeyeon would slip out of her grasp once she loosens her grip.

Tiffany shuddered from what Taeyeon thought was the cold morning air. The older girl pulled the blanket around Tiffany higher and smoothened it over Tiffany’s shoulders. Tiffany only nuzzled her neck again in response. Taeyeon could barely look at Tiffany. The taste of Jessica’s lips and Jessica’s body were still lingering fresh on her tongue. She felt like she was committing an act of treachery for wanting to feel the body wrapped around hers. A body that wasn’t Jessica’s.

Taeyeon could only look out the window and listen to the city around her, slowly stir to life. Taeyeon pursed her lips in bitterness. 

Why, why does things have to be so complicated? Why wouldn’t life just give me a break? 

She thought to herself. Self-pity didn’t suit her. Just as she was about to disentangle herself from Tiffany’s arms, she felt Tiffany’s arms pulling her in quickly and tightly, like the arms of a desperate beggar. A gasp escaped Taeyeon’s mouth from the sudden motion. Tiffany mumbled incoherently into Taeyeon’s neck as beads of perspiration started to pop out on her forehead, creased from … an emotion that Taeyeon couldn’t tell.

Was it fear that Taeyeon caught a glimpse of in Tiffany’s face?

What was it that Tiffany feared so much?

--

Flashback

“Taecyeon! What are you doing? Get off that edge right now! Are you out of your mind?” Tiffany’s frantic scream was a faint echo against the buzz of traffic 69 floors down. The wind raked mercilessly through her hair and her thin blouse whipped and hugged her body, threatening to tear with the force of the wind.

“Yeah. I’m out of my mind. Because of you, I’m out of my mind.” Taecyeon’s calm and collected voice contrasted sharply against Tiffany’s panicked tone. 

“Taecyeon. Please! Doing this wouldn’t bring Natalie back. I’m sorry. I really am. I want Natalie back as much as you do! Natalie wouldn’t want you to do this! Get off the edge of the building now! It’s dangerous!” Tiffany’s heart raced as Taecyeon rocked on his feet and turned his head to smile at her. A smile tinged with sorrow. The look in his eyes was intense. Tiffany can’t help but look away. 

The eerie serenity that surrounded the two lone figures in the dead of the night brought Goosebumps to Tiffany’s skin. It was so surreal. Taceyeon looked as handsome as ever. The sleeve of his sweater rolls up till his elbow at that precise length. His hair whipped by the wind, revealing his chiselled face and in the wind, Tiffany caught the faintest of his cologne dancing in the air. Tiffany loved his smile. His smiles were few and rare. The last time he smiled so longingly at her, they were at the beach promising to spend eternal with each other. But this time, along with the comfort and love the smile usually brings, Tiffany caught a hint of sadness and resignation. She could feel her heart twist itself when she saw the resolution and determination in Taecyeon’s eyes. Unknowingly, her tears start to fall, she knew that nothing she said now would bring Natalie back to life, or Taecyeon off that edge and she hated herself for her helplessness. For having to face the imminent death of yet another person she loves. She wondered if she was cursed. First to have her parents killed, then Natalie and now, Taecyeon. Like how it always had been, she could only watch in silence, move in slow motion, and cry till her tears ran dry.

“I take back what I said so harshly to you the last time I saw you. I love you, Stephanie Hwang, with all my heart. But I can’t face you every day and be reminded that Natalie is dead. Perhaps no one is to be blamed. Perhaps it was meant to be. Perhaps it was fate playing a cruel joke on the three of us. But it’s time for this to end. And it starts with me. I love you.” Taecyeon’s deep and chalky voice echoed in the silence of the beautiful night. He flashed yet another heart-wrenching smile at Tiffany. Tiffany could feel his gaze consuming her with those wretched, languid pale brown eyes. He tore his eyes away from Tiffany, inhaled sharply and took the last step forward in his life, with his arms wide open and his eyes closed before it ended 69 stories below. 

“Nooooo!” Tiffany ran forward waving her arms frantically over the edge in a bid to catch Taecyeon. But as always, she was a second too slow; a step too far. All that she is left with is his voice resounding in her head and the lingering cologne scent that has now clung to her hair and clothes. A bitter and painful reminder of her loneliness. A part of her had leaped off the edge with Taecyeon and never came back. And the gaping hole in herself that ached like he had held her heart in his hands and squeezed it dry into nothingness. She slumped against the edge of the building and cried. The only thing she knew how to get right.

“I love you too.” her voice now quiet, almost reverent. Only the wind could pick up her strangled whisper and it kept her accompany with its melancholy and sobering presence.

Maybe she really was cursed. Maybe she wasn’t. But she swore that that night would be the last time her fragile heart would be put through this torture. The night Stephanie died along with the last of the ones she loved and fought so hard to keep alive.

--

“Nooooo!” Taeyeon heard Tiffany scream.

“Shhh. It’s alright. It’s alright. Tiffany, calm down. It’s alright.” Taeyeon got up instinctively and enveloped Tiffany in her arms and rocked her gently.  Tiffany’s tears soaked her cotton top as Taeyeon coaxed the still asleep girl with comforting rubs down her back. Soon, the younger girl was deeply ensconced in her sleep again, her face relaxed and her arms around Taeyeon slackened.

Taeyeon gently laid Tiffany’s head on her pillows and watched the troubled girl cry in her sleep, shaking her head every so often as if in deny of something in her dreamland. Taeyeon carefully reached her hand out to touch Tiffany’s face and brushed her long black locks away from her face to reveal her smooth and soft skin, dampened by fresh tears. Tiffany whimpered in her sleep, drew the blanket more tightly around herself and curled herself into a ball. It pained Taeyeon to watch Tiffany suffer from something she has no knowledge of. It pained her even more to not be able to take away Tiffany’s suffering.

“How, how can I love you so deeply when I know so little about you?” Taeyeon whispered.

Who are you, Tiffany?

What have you make my heart become?

Taeyeon could not bear to look at Tiffany any longer. She quietly slipped out of the bedroom and out of her house. She started to run and she didn’t stop until she reached her destination.

Run.

Run with all her might. But no matter how fast and hard her legs pounded the ground, the tears would not stop falling.

In the knowledge of what she was about to do.

Part XXII

Jessica sat on her bed with only the sheets wrapped flimsily around her naked self. In the light of dawn, the weak sun rays peeked through the curtains and bounced off her flawless skin, catching the traces of dried tears on her face. A reminder of the turbulence in her head despite the early morning’s quiet serenity. Sleep had eluded her for a whole night. Unable to face the frustrations of trying to sleep anymore, Jessica sat up, holding the sheets to cover herself modestly around her chest. She caught her reflection in her dressing mirror and saw a woman she could not recognise staring back at her icily. She lowered her eyes, taking them off the sorry reflection of herself.  She couldn’t bear to look at herself for fear of being reminded how the past month with Taeyeon had reduced her to what she is now. Her eyes were fixed on the bed, her face partly obscured by her hair. A lonely teardrop escaped her eyes as she hugged herself and dug her chin into her chest.

--

Footsteps on the cheap wooden floorboard made Jessica straighten up immediately, inhale deeply and wipe away all traces of tears.

“Jess?” Taeyeon’s voice floated from her living room to her ears.

“Yes dear. I’m still in bed.”

Taeyeon with her hands in her back pockets, took heavy steps towards Jessica’s room and stopped apprehensively at the door. 

“You look beautiful.” 

Upon the sight of Jessica wrapped in her sheets, the words rolled out of her mouth before she could put any thought to them. Jessica gave her a wry smile before beckoning her in with her hand. Taeyeon took slow steps towards Jessica with her eyes focused on her feet. Her hands never left her back pockets.

Jessica just rolls her eyes and smiles good-naturedly. “Why are you back so early? Shouldn’t you catch up with some sleep of your own?” Jessica vaguely addressed Taeyeon who stopped by her bedside and made no move to sit down or get any closer to her. Jessica noticed Taeyeon’s anxiety and the fearful silence that shrouded her, but she made no effort to acknowledge it.

Without any preamble, Taeyeon said, “She was at my doorsteps last night when I went back.” For a moment, Jessica’s eyes widened before she returned her expression to the typical cold mask that she had honed and carried in front of everyone else.

“… Oh. How is she?” Jessica lightly questioned, not wanting to seem overly concerned.

“She is in my bed now.”

“…”

“She went berserk. She was screaming about people coming to get her. What do I do?”

Jessica’s heart clenched. 

All good things have got to come to an end.

 She told herself. 

And now is the time.

 Like a soldier readying herself for war, Jessica took a deep breath and whispered with her eyes closed in resignation. “Go back to her. She needs you.” She had intended for her voice to come out strong and steady. Instead, her voice came out strained and hoarse.

There was no fight in Jessica’s expression, just immeasurable sadness. Such sadness that Taeyeon had to turn away.  “I’m sorry.”

“Whatever for?”

“ I can’t just abandon her.”

“I know.”

“But we …”

“Hush.”

“…”

“Go.”

“What?”

“Go back to her. She might wake up any time soon.”

“But I can’t just leave you here. I …”

“Yes you can. If I had asked you to stay, would you have?”

Tears welled up in Taeyeon’s eyes. She didn’t have to reply for Jessica to know the answer. “… I’m sorry.” She whispered. “I’m so very sorry.”

“I know you are.” Jessica whispered. She reached out her hand to tuck a tendril of Taeyeon’s hair behind her left ear and cupped her face with both hands, not bothering that the sheets had slipped off her body. “I know. “She whispered a second time. 

“You were more than just a friend to me in the past month Jessica.”

“As you were to me.”

“…”

“But we’re grown women. Let’s not get caught up by a silly month. I’ve had fun. We had probably both lost our minds during that time. It’s time we go back to where we belong.” Her voice was so quiet and grave that it made Taeyeon’s hair bristle. As the words left her mouth, Jessica knew that one day, she would come to regret what she is doing right now. 

But a woman’s got to do what a woman has got to do.

 With finality, Jessica summoned the words to bubble out of her throat. “Good bye, Taeyeon. Good bye.”

Only then did Taeyeon draw her hands out of her back pockets to caress Jessica’s face. “I’m sorry.” She whispered again and pulled Jessica into an embrace. “When I said I love you, I meant it. When I made love to you, I meant it too. You aren’t any less special to me, Jessica. I know I’ve let you down. I’m sorry.” Taeyeon whispered into Jessica’s hair. “I would say I’m sorry to you for the rest of my life if that is what you need.” Jessica only snaked her arms more tightly around Taeyeon in response.

After what seem like eternity, Taeyeon reluctantly withdrew her arms from around Jessica and gave her a chaste kiss on her temple. “Will I see you again?”

“…” Jessica kept her eyes transfixed on her lap. It has never occurred to her how lethal Taeyeon’s love was.  Whatever portion of it she’s got anyway. 

“Jess…”

“You know where to find me.” Jessica finally looked up with all the bravado she could muster and simply replied with a small smile.  Taeyeon gave a tight smile of her own before she gave Jessica one last longing look and turned around to walk away. 

Clenching her jaw in order to keep composed, Jessica willed her hands not to reach out to stop Taeyeon. Jessica shouldn’t have been sitting still. Sitting still was like telling the world that she is okay with Taeyeon being taken away. But, she kept still. Through the heartache, through the pain. Her heart thrashed away in protest in her ribcage. But her mind willed her to stay still, willed her tears to stay at bay, willed her heart to not bleed.

Only when she heard her front door slam shut did she whisper out of Taeyeon’s earshot.” I love you too.” 

She can fool everyone with her bravado, but there is no point in fooling herself. Left alone, she sobbed. The warm morning rays, the sound of children’s laughter, the birds singing, all seem to mock her for her selflessness. For not giving her love for Taeyeon a fighting chance. But for Taeyeon, she was willing to be the martyr; to be the weeping woman from the movies that she swore she will never be.

Part XXIII

Taeyeon was unable to see the pavement or the people she had bumped into. Many gave her irritable glares but she didn't notice, for the tears that spills from her eyes in an unceasing flow.

Choosing was never easy, especially when the heart did not know who it really wanted.

Run.

All Taeyeon has done recently was to run, away from pain; away from confusion; away from love. 

Now, at the finishing line, she stood outside her own door, snivelling. She wiped her tears off with the back of her hand and straightened her shirt to gain some semblance of control before she turned the keys and took a resounding step into her own house and towards the woman she loved but didn’t know.

Standing at her room door, Taeyeon watched Tiffany sleep, curled up in a feral ball and an eerie, unnatural cold seeped slowly through her skin and bit into her bones. The room was cast in deathly silence. The only thing Taeyeon could hear was Tiffany’s unsteady, raspy breathing. She hadn’t dare walk any closer to Tiffany. A part of her heart just wouldn’t let her. So, she slid down against the door frame, with her knees pulled up to her chest and dropped her weary face onto her arms that were wrapped around her legs. What have I done?

“Hey.” Tiffany’s words drifted towards her like cigarette smoke, lazy and slow. Taeyeon slowly lifted her head from her arms and painted a small smile on her face.

“Hey yourself sweetheart. You’re up.”

“I am.”

“… erm. Would you like me to get you breakfast? I could go to the grocer…” Taeyeon awkwardly stood up and pointed her thumb over her shoulder.

“No. Don’t go anywhere. Come. Come join me in bed.”

Obediently, Taeyeon walked towards Tiffany’s outstretched arm. Tiffany gave a playful tug at Taeyeon’s wrist once the older girl was within reach and Taeyeon fell clumsily on top of Tiffany. Tiffany broke into a childish unrestrained giggle. Taeyeon couldn’t help but to get infected by the contagious light and husky laughter that rang in her ears pleasantly and made her heart swell. A sincere smile spreads across her face as she props herself up with her hands and came face to face with Tiffany.

The tinkling laughter died down in Tiffany’s throat from Taeyeon’s intense stare. In Taeyeon’s eyes, for the first time, she noticed the sadness etched in the older girl’s eyes and the sorrow that clung to the corners of her mouth. Tiffany brought a slow trembling hand to Taeyeon’s face to trace the outlines of her jaw, the bridge of her nose before cupping the frame of Taeyeon’s face with both hands as the older girl’s eyes flutter shut. Tiffany pulled Taeyeon face towards herself and placed a tender kiss on the older girl’s cold and shaking lips. It pained her greatly to see Taeyeon struggling to keep in control of herself, especially when she knew that she was the cause of a large portion of the older girl’s struggle. Her deeply ingrained sadness made her seem so much older in Tiffany’s eyes, but Tiffany had no idea how to take the cause of her sadness away. So all she do was to bare her vulnerable heart out to Taeyeon and pray that it would ease the struggle she was going through.

“Tae Tae …” Tiffany voice came out timid and small.

“Hmmm?” 

“I … I’ve always wanted to say this to you.”

“Fany-ah, what is it?” 

Tiffany hesitates for a second as she nervously brushed Taeyeon’s hair away from her face. Without her hair in the way, Taeyeon’s bright eyes shone back at Tiffany and in her eyes, Tiffany found all the courage she had ever needed. She took a deep breath and whispered. “Taeyeon, I lo …”

Taeyeon’s brows creased. Tiffany’s words came at her like a meteor from outer space, whistling loudly, burning away the oxygen around her and took her breath away as it burst into flames and consumed itself before the ball of fire hit the dirt hard and sent Taeyeon’s mind reeling from the shock of the aftermath.

“Taeyeon. I love you.” The three words that Tiffany thought she wouldn’t get to say for the rest of her life, left her lips in an almost pleading whisper. She stared back at Taeyeon, waiting in trepidation for a response as her heartbeat thundered in her ears and the blood drained from her hands, leaving them cold and trembling in anticipation.

“Tiffany …”

“Don’t you love me anymore, Tae Tae? Tell me you do. Please.” Desperation lined her voice as the painful seconds and silence passed by.

“Tiffany. I … I do. Tiffany Hwang. I love you.” Taeyeon finally replied with resolution. 

“I’ve always do.” An impish grin complete with a killer eyesmile greeted Taeyeon and she felt oxygen rush back into her lungs as the fire of the meteor died down into a quiet crackle in Taeyeon’s heart. A part of her wants to go back to Jessica, but a larger, irrational part of her wants to stay with Tiffany just to hear the three words she had waited so long to hear, again.

Taeyeon pushed herself off Tiffany and sat up, an inerasable dorky grin painted itself across her face unknowingly. Tiffany’s strange, mysterious brown eyes welled up with tears and something in Taeyeon responded with a tug at her heart as she wordlessly extended her arms and Tiffany immediately climbed onto her lap and curled like a kitten in her arms. Tiffany’s slender fingers gripped her shirt tightly, just to make sure that everything was real and not a hallucination. Taeyeon could only close her eyes and envelope Tiffany in a warm longing embrace and let out a blissful sigh as the latter snuggle into her like a child.

In the single, transcendent instant, Taeyeon placed her worries, questions and confusion aside and allowed the voice of her heart to speak out and reach for the love that was within its grasp, hold on tight and pull it close. Unable to erase a love so powerful, all she could do was try to smother it for the past month. But like trying to put out a fire with paper, the paper only feeds the fire as it burned more wildly and grew stronger. Only now, with Tiffany in her arms did she realise how naïve she had been to believe that her love for this girl would ever die out.

--

With Taeyeon in the shower, Tiffany drew out the picture of Natalie, Taecyeon and herself out from her purse, trying to seek closure. By admitting her love for Taeyeon, she has taken the first step forward into her new life, away from the haunting memories.  The pain she would usually feel, felt a little duller this time. But her memories of Natalie were still as vivid, like it was just yesterday that the young girl was still alive. Tiffany could only close her eyes, shielding herself from the sight of her happy and carefree self in the photo, but no matter how hard she resisted, her mind enveloped her once again in a miasma of painful memory.

--

Flashback

Tiffany crossed her arms and pulled her leather jacket more tightly around herself as she leaned against the school gates. She smiled at the young boys that streamed out of the school and winked at a couple, just to see their faces turn a deep shade of tomato red.

“Unnie!”

“Natalie! What took you so long? I feel like I’m being stripped naked by the eyes of your hormonal pubescent male school mates!”

“You’re hot, that’s why!”

Tiffany only replied with a loud chortle and swung her arms over Natalie’s shoulder. She hadn’t realise Natalie’s ears turning red or notice how the younger girl pulled her closer and held her a little tighter than necessary.

“Anyway, how come you’re here to pick me up from school instead of my brother?”

“Oh. He has to work an extra shift today and he wanted to make sure that you, you this skinny little thing eat your dinner under my watchful eyes.” Tiffany said, half teasingly and half in a mock reprimanding tone. She head locked Natalie with one arm and tickled the younger girl with the other till tears escaped the vibrant young girl’s eyes.

“Enough, enough, enough!” Natalie cheerfully screamed and wormed out of Tiffany’s grasp and sprinted away.

“Come back here you little twerp!”

“Catch me if you can!”

“Just you wait! Once I get my hands on you, I’ll tickle you till you forget your own last name!”

Natalie stuck her tongue out in response and runs down the pavement with Stephanie chasing, hot on her heels. Natalie was like a sister Stephanie never had and Stephanie never let Natalie forget how fiercely she loved her even if she was just her boyfriend’s sister. With Taecyeon and Natalie, she had a family. A family she deserved. With them, she had found happiness. With them, she knew what it was like to feel included. To love and be loved. With them, she could imagine a future. Little did Stephanie know at that time, that everything was about to come crashing down on her.

--

“Dinner was fantastic wasn’t it?” Stephanie cheerfully commented and stuck her hands into the pockets of her leather jacket.

“Yeah, it was.” Natalie replied softly. In her mind, after a long battle with herself, she had decided that tonight shall be the night. But she had no idea how to go about it or where to start.

“Natalie, why have you gone all quiet all of a sudden?” Stephanie asked, concern lining her voice as she pulled Natalie in with one arm and looked at her downcast face with a motherly gaze.

“Nah, it’s nothing. I’m tired, that all.” Natalie said with a shrug.

“Don’t lie to me, young lady. There must be something on your mind.”

Natalie stopped walking and faced Stephanie.

“Actually, I …” Natalie stuttered and twiddled her thumbs.

“What is it, Natalie? Oh my God, please don’t tell me you’re pregnant! What am I going to tell Taec!?” Stephanie took a step back and her mouth widen with shock.

“What? No! No! I’m not pregnant!” Natalie stomped her feet and glared at Stephanie with flashing eyes and balled up fists.

“Oh. Oops. Vivid imagination. So what is it?” Stephanie broke into a grin and her eyes twinkled with mischief.

“I think you’re hot.” Natalie mumbled and returned to twiddling her thumbs.

“Wow. Thank you. I’m flattered. You’re not too bad yourself. You stopped walking just to say that?” Stephanie gave Natalie a friendly punch on the arm.

“No. Not just that. I think you’re smart, athletic, capable, sassy, and beautiful. The list goes on. But more importantly, I think I … I think I’m in love with you.” Natalie felt as if her ears were about to overheat and fall off like melting butter.

“What? No way! Hey Nat! Newsflash! It’s not April’s Fool Day yet!” Stephanie let out laughter of disbelief and gave Natalie a hard whack on the back like she had just told her that she was a man.

“Yes way.” Natalie whispered quietly as her gaze fell on her feet. Her voice was a sharp contrast with Stephanie’s loud boisterous laughter. Only then, did Stephanie felt the gravity of what Natalie was saying to her.

“Oh my God. Natalie … I’m with your brother. It must be just an infatuation. “ Stephanie’s voice had now lowered a few notches to match Natalie’s quiet voice. Her face was etched with worry and concern and she placed both hands on Natalie’s arms, holding the younger girl in front of her. “Natalie. Tell me this is just a joke.Please.”

“It must be a cruel joke on me then. I know. I know this is so wrong. But I keep telling myself what you told me. Just an infatuation. I've tried to get over you. You have no idea how hard I've tried. But can you explain why I feel this pang of jealousy whenever I see you kissing my brother from my room window?  Or why I wish I was the one you’re kissing. The one you said ‘I love you’ to?”

“Natalie. You know I love you, just not in that … that kind of way.”

“I know. But I’m just being stupid huh? I’m sorry. I’m sorry for telling you this. Just…just pretend we didn’t have this conversation. I…I got to go home. I can get home myself. You don’t need to walk me back. Thanks for dinner, unnie. I guess I’ll see you around.” Natalie turned and ran away with all her might, using the back of her hand to muffle the sobs she couldn’t stop.

Stephanie stood rooted to the ground, unsure of what to do or say, oblivious to the gang of thugs waiting silently in a dark alley down the direction Natalie was heading towards.

--

Taeyeon comes out of shower to find Tiffany balled up with a pillow muffling her crying. She immediately stopped drying her hair with the towel and ran towards Tiffany.

“Fany-ah, what’s wrong? Why are you crying?”

Tiffany only lifted her face from the pillow to look at Taeyeon with her tear soaked face and wrapped her arms around Taeyeon’s neck.

“Fany-ah…what’s wrong?” Taeyeon cautiously asked as she ran her hands soothingly down Tiffany’s back in a repetitive motion. All she got for a reply was Tiffany shaking her head and hugging her even more tightly.

Taeyeon gently pried Tiffany’s arms open from her neck and asked, “Fany-ah. Shhhhh. It’s okay. Don’t cry anymore. How about we take a walk in the park? Take in some fresh air? How does that sound?” Tiffany nodded meekly and her eyes disappeared into downwards moon crescents as she gave Taeyeon a sincere appreciative smile.

--

Hand in hand, Taeyeon and Tiffany slowly made their way across the park, towards the small lake beyond the trees. The ground was soggy, strewn with twigs and brown leaves from the occasional spring rain. The air smelled of fresh grass and morning dew. The sun shone brightly down on them and the birds and butterflies flew around, chasing their own kind in and out of the trees, without a care in the world. It was indeed a mesmerising and beautiful sight.

In front of the lake, Taeyeon found a dry spot and patted it to make sure it was definitely dry before motioning Tiffany to sit down beside her. Tiffany gave a fleeting smile and sat down with her head on Taeyeon’s shoulder. Like this, the two of them sat in silence, save for the crystal clear sound of flowing water and the faint rustling of tree leaves by the wind until Taeyeon broke the silence.

“Tiffany, is there something you want to tell me?”

Tiffany had her head down; eyes to the ground as she played with blades of grass that she have plucked out, utterly lost in her thoughts.

“Fany-ah…” Taeyeon prompted again at Tiffany's silence.

“I heard you. Yes there is. I think there are some things you should know. I know this may be a lot to take in right now and it’s okay to feel shocked or cheated, even. I once thought the things I’m about to say would be kept a secret with me to my deathbed. But right now, I think you have a right to know, for us to even have a shot at being together. So here goes. I used to be a cop. I have a gun hidden in the drawer beside my bed. I check that it is loaded, every night before I sleep. I...”

Taeyeon gaped at her before she realised herself staring and closed her mouth.  “Oh. Then why aren’t you a cop anymore?”

“I used to be based in California. But after Natalie’s and Taecyeon’s death, I quit the force and moved to Korea. I needed to reinvent myself.”

“Who are they?”

“My boyfriend and his sister. Fiancé to be exact.”

“Oh.” Taeyeon struggled to find something meaningful to say. “How did they erm … die?” she asked awkwardly.

“They died because of me.”  Tiffany turned to Taeyeon and stare at Taeyeon with red rimmed eyes. “I killed them.” her voice trembled with emotions held at bay like water struggling to break free from a dam.

“No. I wouldn’t believe that you have killed anyone. It can’t be true. I know you. I… “ hit by the irony of her words, Taeyeon stopped in mid-sentence.

Tiffany filled in the silence. “No. I didn’t kill them with my bare hands, but I caused their deaths, because I was a useless, undeserving, worthless piece of scum.” Anger seeped into Tiffany’s voice. “I’m a scum!” Tiffany shouted and punched the soft ground beside her.

“No you’re not! Don’t say that about yourself!” Taeyeon replied her defensively. She refuse to believe.

“I am!”

“NO! No, you’re not! I just know! “Taeyeon turned to her side and clasped Tiffany’s face with both hands, as if to extract some truth from Tiffany’s deep brown eyes.  Tiffany stared back at her for a few seconds before her steely gaze gave way to eyes filled with fear. Tiffany jumped slightly from the contact and wrestled herself out of Taeyeon’s grasp. But the older girl only held onto Tiffany’s head more tightly.

“Let me go!” Tiffany screamed deliriously. Taeyeon recoiled at the volume of Tiffany's voice, but her hands continue holding Tiffany’s face. “ Tiffany! Tiffany. Look at me. Look at me. Calm down!” Taeyeon tried to rid her voice of the panic that was rising inside of herself, trying her hardest to reason with Tiffany.

“Please, please don’t hurt me. Please.”  Tiffany whimpered, cowering from Taeyeon and hugged her knees. Her face scrunched up, a warning of imminent tears that threatened to fall.

“Tiffany, I… I’m not going to hurt you.” Taeyeon’s panic-stricken voice softened to an indignant whisper. The whole idea of hurting Tiffany was absolutely outrageous. Her hold on Tiffany slackens and the girl took the opportunity to scamper away and put a distance between herself and Taeyeon, crawling backwards like a victim from a horror movie. Taeyeon stretched out her hand to grab hold of Tiffany but was halted by her hysteric pleading.

“Stay there. Please. Leave me alone." Tiffany anguished cries were like shards of glass embedding themselves into Taeyeon’s heart. She has no idea what was going on. She was confused and almost as equally afraid as Tiffany sounded.

“Tiffany!” the very thought of Tiffany being crazy made her break out in cold sweat. She knew the difference between a sane person breaking down and a sane person going crazy. And Tiffany at that very moment wasn’t just breaking down.

“Don’t touch me! Don’t touch me!” Tiffany stood up and backed away from Taeyeon as the older girl made another fruitless attempt at trying to get a hold on Tiffany.

Puzzled, fearful and worried, Taeyeon mirror her actions and raise her hands up as a sign of peace. “Okay. Okay. I’m not going to touch you.” Taeyeon took two more steps away from Tiffany to reassure the frazzled girl before asking, “Tiffany, let’s go home, shall we? Home?”

“But… But my mummy told me not to follow strangers.” Tiffany's hysteric voice became light, high-pitched and girly, almost child-like. Tiffany pouted like a child and swallowed her hysteria with an innocent gulp. Taeyeon would have found Tiffany cute, if not for the craziness she was facing right now.

“Tiffany! Tiffany, please! Look at me! It’s me, Taeyeon. TAE-YEON!” the older girl emphasised the syllables of her name, wildly gesturing at herself, exasperated by the absurdity of the situation.

“Ohhhhhh! Tae Tae!” Tiffany's face brighten and she smiled like a child that was offered candy. She looked as if she was proud of herself for remembering Taeyeon. She let our a girly giggle before squealing , “Tae Tae!” and she rushed towards Taeyeon, threw her arms around her with a force that knocked Taeyeon backwards onto the grass.

Tiffany buried her face at the crook of Taeyeon’s neck and mumbled happily the older girl’s name again and again into her neck. “Tae Tae. Go home. Stephanie goes home with Tae Tae.” Tiffany whispered with a contented sigh.

“Yes, Tiffany. It’s me. Tae Tae. Let’s go home now.” an exhausted and strung out Taeyeon picked Tiffany up and carried her. She slowly made her way across the grass field in silence. The sweet scent of spring engulfed them in a peaceful silence like the calm before a storm.

“Tae Tae?”

“Yes Tiffany?” Taeyeon replied affectionately.

“There you go again!” Tiffany squealed.

“What?”

Tiffany giggled and cupped her mouth immediately with both hands. “You got my name wrong, Tae Tae. My name is Stephanie, not Tiffany.” 

Taeyeon felt as if the ground she was walking on was pulled out from under her feet. She could feel her chest tighten and her breath became choppy and erratic. Tiffany’s breakdown only fully dawned on her at that very moment. The confusion she felt from Tiffany’s actions made her light-headed. She became aware of her sweaty palms and of the tears that stung in her eyes. She could only raise her head towards the sky to prevent the tears from falling as she said. “Yes Stephanie… I’ve got it wrong.”

“I’ve got it wrong.”

Part XXIV

In her bed, Taeyeon watched Tiffany sleep peacefully under her duvet, her beautiful hair fanned out on her pillow. The delicate image a far cry from what she had witnessed an hour ago. Taeyeon’s hand hovered over Tiffany’s head, hesitant to touch her, for fear Tiffany would snap like a dry twig with the slightest touch. Tiffany was so fragile, so very different from what Taeyeon knew of her.

Taeyeon did not know if any of this was real. Everything happened so fast, like a terrible nightmare that had swept her off her feet and knocked the breath out of her. But the heat Tiffany’s body was emanating and her steady breathing tells her otherwise. Reminds her that everyone is as real as it can get.

Slowly, Taeyeon withdrew her trembling hand and quietly slipped off her bed. She needs fresh air to clear her mind and sort her thoughts out. With one last look at Tiffany to make sure she was alright, Taeyeon took her coat off its stand and headed out the door.

--

Unable to seek refuge at Jessica’s place, Taeyeon headed to the next best place she could escape to – The Bronx. But as her hurried steps brought her closer to The Bronx, her mind reproached her on how bad her timing and memory was. Latin music fluttered to her ears, pulsating, fast-paced and sensual. Every beat a reminder of someone she knew she should start to forget. Her mind told her to turn around and head back home. But her legs continue to carry her towards the entrance and through the swinging doors into the house of heavy music and a place where there is no shame in having bodies closely pressed together. A perfect getaway.

--

Jessica was leaning against the bar with a glass of martini in her hand with her hair carefully coiffed, full make up on and a body hugging dress that took a chunk out of her credit card. She was determined to dive back into the dating world…to be single and available. To… get Taeyeon out of her mind. Her eyes scanned the crowd for plausible partners for the night when a particular person’s entrance from the corner of her eye stopped her search.

It was her.

Jessica’s eyes immediately flew towards her, drawn by an acute awareness for her presence like an imminent doom. When she caught her eye, she looked almost as surprised to see her, if not more. But Jessica was quick to recover and flashed a beckoning friendly smile at her.

Jessica watched as the other girl strode towards her, consuming the distance between them with the length of her strides. She was the last person Jessica should face at the very moment. With every step the girl took, Jessica could feel the increasing strain on her facial muscles to keep up with her smile.

--

Jessica’s presence in The Bronx shouldn’t surprise Taeyeon. She would expect a superb dancer like Jessica to be present at The Bronx’s monthly Argentinean Night event. She could feel her heart pick up pace with every step towards the blonde haired beauty.

 No! I shouldn’t feel this way.

 Her mind chastised her. 

It must be the heavy bass from the music!

 She reasoned with herself.

She stopped a paper sheet’s distance away from Jessica, partly out of will from the relentless crowd, partly out of familiarity, partly because of the magical magnetic force that drew her close against all logical thought.

“Hey Jess…” Taeyeon managed to say out of formality. She was careful to avoid Jessica’s gaze. Memories of their tearful goodbyes were still fresh in her mind.

“Hey.” Jessica replied, almost flippantly. “What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be with Tiffany right now?” Jessica continued. The very mention of Tiffany’s name burned her tongue like acid.

Taeyeon opened her mouth, but no words came. She lifted her gaze to look into Jessica’s eyes ready to formulate a reply, but no thoughts came either.

Jessica could see the conflict in Taeyeon’s eyes when their faces were merely a hair’s breath apart. 

Was it just me or was it what I thought I was?

 A voice echoed in her mind. But Jessica attributed it to her heightened awareness for Taeyeon and labelled that split second, an illusion.

The awkward pregnant silence gnawed away at the both of them. Jessica was the first to break the silence. Taeyeon’s soft gaze was starting to unnerve her. It reaches out into that portion of Jessica’s heart that was carved out for specially for her. A part of Jessica’s heart that was meant to be boxed up and forgotten.

“Enough staring Taeyeon. C’mon. Let’s dance! We can’t let the night go to waste staring at each other in silence.” Jessica exclaimed and pulled Taeyeon by the wrist towards the dance floor that called out to her.

Jessica pulled Taeyeon into the heart of the crowd and started to move her body to the beat and lose herself in the addictive music. Taeyeon stood in front of Jessica, watching the girl move, trying her hardest to resist. Exactly what she was resisting, she herself did not know. It must be a crime to be with Jessica when Tiffany was in her bed, 

wasn’t it?

 But Jessica’s voice snapped her out of her trance.

“Stop standing there like a block of wood, Taeyeon! Dance!” Jessica shouted over the music and placed Taeyeon’s hands on her hips. Taeyeon returned her a small goofy smile and pulled her in, letting her rhythm guide her.

Heat.

Heat burning like the blazing sun coursed through Taeyeon veins like fire. Jessica had this effect on her when she danced. The only striking similarity she shared with Tiffany.

Every tinkling laughter, every sway of her hip enticed Taeyeon out of her thoughts, her confusion. Jessica was Taeyeon’s breath of fresh air. She has been from the very start and may always be. If only Taeyeon consciously knew of this fact.

Taeyeon reasoned with herself that there was nothing wrong with an innocent dance. Only thing was, every time their hips met, when their hands intertwine, Taeyeon knew that there was nothing innocent to the suggestive physical contact. 

The fire coursing through her veins was like a thirst she cannot quench. She cannot cool the heat in her veins, or stop how her body was reacting to Jessica. Her nerves were on overload. Every touch from Jessica sent a jolt of electricity up her body and numbed her mind.

As Jessica moved, she felt the sleek material of her dress move against her body, like a whispered caress over her skin. She could feel her body, feel its contours and feel every pulse of energy the music sent down her nerves. She moved as if she had not a care in the world. She knew Taeyeon was watching her. She knew there were consequences. But she was tired of being the responsible one all the time. She wasn’t expecting anything from Taeyeon. No love making. No reciprocated feelings. All she wants to do is to feel lost in the music. To feel the moment. To cherish every passing second with Taeyeon as if it was her last. 

Only when the pace of music slow down into a sultry purr did Jessica realise how Taeyeon’s hands remained on her hips the whole time and how the touch burnt her. W

hat was I thinking? I must be out of my mind!

“I’m sorry.” Jessica apologised and gently took Taeyeon’s hands off her hips with her own reluctant hands.

“Don’t say that word anymore. I’m tired of how we constantly exchange the words ‘I’m sorry’. Taeyeon whispered in a pained raspy voice. The softness of her voice eviscerated Jessica. 

Taeyeon held onto Jessica’s hands, unwilling to let go. She took a daring step closer towards her. “I don’t want to be sorry for the good times we’ve spent, Jess. I know I’ll be forever indebted to you. I know I am at fault. But I am not sorry for loving you. Just sorry that my love can only bring me thus far.”

Jessica remained quiet for what seemed like an eternity before allowing herself to whisper the painful truth. “I’m glad you had met her first. Because it would have had hurt me more if I’ve had you to myself then have you taken from me. It is better to never have you at all. You are like my sight. You showed me the colours of life. I would rather be blind from the start than to see the colours and have them taken away from me. So, let this be our last time. You and I need to move on.” 

Jessica’s audible pain was like a whisper of the winds on the mountain tops. Silent, but omnipresent. Taeyeon could feel it with every fibre of her being. Taeyeon’s hand reached to her. Thumb moving across her lips before capturing them with her own. Words do not need to be exchanged for both ladies to understand the finality and transientness of the moment. Their kiss was slow and warm. Lips grazing each other soft as silk. Every movement as if to memorise the emotions that ran through their veins like a river of lightning. Every touch spoke of love, pain and quiet restraint.

When their lips parted, Taeyeon and Jessica remained still. Their breath tickled each other’s faces. Taeyeon’s hands continued to cup Jessica’s face as they stood still in the crowd of slow dancing couples until the music came to a stop. A cue that it was time for them to genuinely part ways. Their eyes fluttered open as they stared into each other’s sorrow and pain filled gazes before Taeyeon lifted Jessica’s face and placed one last kiss on her forehead.

“I guess this really is goodbye.” Taeyeon quietly murmured. The words felt alien on her lips. But Jessica slowly extracted herself from Taeyeon and took a step back. It was like a splash of cold water, a remainder of the difficult reality. The blonde girl turned her head away from Taeyeon in quiet acknowledgement before the older girl turned to leave wordlessly.

There, left all alone, Jessica stood in the shadows lost inside the music, trying her hardest not to cry.

“Don’t hold back those tears.” 

A voice made Jessica suddenly aware of her surroundings again. She lifted her head to see Sunny, a face she vaguely remembered as Taeyeon’s friend from the previous Argentinean Night.

“I’m alright.” Jessica coldly replied. No one has to see her in such a sorry state. She attempted at a smile only to fail horribly as her quivering jaw betrayed her. Her smile twisted painfully across her face in a contortion of disguised pain.

“Of course you are.” Sunny replied neutrally, not a trace of skepticism in her voice. She quietly led Jessica towards the bar and poured her a drink.

“On the house.” Sunny curtly said. Jessica gratefully accepted the glass of scotch.

“Is it wrong for me to wish she will come back to me?” Jessica asked with a wavering voice.

Sunny only look at her with a quiet solemn understanding and poured Jessica another glass of scotch. Sunny had no answer to her question. All she can do was 

be there

 for the heart broken girl. Jessica gave Sunny a wry smile and gladly accepted it. She downed the strong liquor in one shot, allowing the liquid to course down her throat and left a path of burning sensation all the way to her stomach.

"I'll never have her. She will never me mine. Tiffany always had her, from the very start till this bitter end. She will remain with Tiffany and I, a fool. Do you think of me as a fool?" Jessica's question was almost inaudible. But Sunny caught it nonetheless.

"No. I don't. I think you're wonderful." Sunny sincerely replied.

"Thank you. I just want her to be happy." Jessica turned to smile at Sunny through teary eyes.

"I just want her to be happy." Jessica whispered another time to no one in particular and turned to face the crowd. Perhaps to convince herself. Perhaps to give purpose for her sacrifice. But no justification could make her hurt any less. Why do they call it heartache when her whole body was shaking with the pain? At that moment, Jessica finally understood that it is the people you love the most who can lift you up in an instant and destroy you without even trying.

Jessica leaned her back against the bar table as tears streamed down her face. She can only be strong for so long. Sunny mirrored her actions and leaned against the bar table beside her. The two ladies stood side by side against the backdrop of loud jarring music and watched the crowd in a comfortable silence as Jessica’s hand quietly crept into Sunny’s. 

The two still figures were almost surreal in the crowd of people dizzy from dancing, from the alcohol buzz and from promises of one-night stands. So many people. So many different reasons for being at one place. But God is fair. In the midst of the noise and crowd, Jessica has found Sunny. A friend in this hostile world. A friend when she needed someone most. In this noisy bistro, Jessica found her own version of peace, the beginning of a painful closure with Sunny, a crowd oblivious to her pain and countless glasses of scotch to come.

Sunny responded with a light squeeze of her hand and it stopped the tears from pouring a little. Sometimes a squeeze of our hand, knowing that someone is there and that someone understand is all we need to solider on through the darkest hours of our lives. 

The lights continued to flash. The music continued to boom. The people in the crowd continued to gyrate against one another. In the midst of the chaos. Jessica stood with Sunny's hand in hers in quiet gratitude.

At least for tonight, she does not have to be alone.

Part XXV

Tiffany could hear the door softly click shut, but she lay in bed, still as a dead corpse. She could hear Taeyeon slipping out of her coat and the landing of the keys on the wooden dressing table. But she kept her eyes closed and with the highest order of discipline she could muster, she continued her pretence of being asleep and stopped herself from springing out of bed.

Her hair bristled when she felt Taeyeon’s erratic breathing and her light caress on her cheek. The motion was so simple, the touch ever so common. But the honesty struck her like poison ivy creeping around her heart and squeezing it till it is on the verge of bursting. She could only sigh and melt into Taeyeon’s touch.

Tiffany could smell the foreign perfume that clung to Taeyeon like a wretched disease. But tonight, she had no energy left to question the source. Perhaps a part of her did not want to know either. It is easier to live in delusion than to hear a truth she knew she could not face. She can learn to come to terms with sharing Taeyeon, if that was the only way to keep the girl by her side. To have a portion is better than having none at all.

--

Taeyeon continued to stare at Tiffany as if the girl was a beautiful, exquisite ornament. Every stroke of the girl’s cheeks sent an unspeakable jolt of pain in her heart. The sacrifice she had to make for Tiffany was almost too much for her to bear. Choices were never easy. Decisions were never sane. But for Tiffany, Taeyeon would leap down a cliff without a second thought. All the girl had to do was, ask. With Tiffany, love had no logic. Love was an enthralling ride into another universe. Love was like a drug that made Taeyeon lose her senses, made Taeyeon willing to endure all pain just to have another taste. Love with Tiffany was dangerous. Love with Tiffany was unpredictable. But most of all, love with Tiffany, despite all its flaws made Taeyeon whole. It filled her up inside and made everything else seem so small and insignificant. Loving Tiffany was like living with punctured lungs. Blood would keep gushing into her lungs so as long as she loves Tiffany. Taeyeon has no control over her unexplainable love. All she knew was she would keep loving her with all she was worth, until the day the blood suffocates her and kills her. As the saying goes, once burnt, twice cautious. Only the truly foolish would go into love twice after being burnt. 

But, she was just a victim of a foolish heart.

This was Taeyeon loving Tiffany.

Irrational. Consuming. Dangerous.

That was the power she had over her, the power that terrified her.

--

On the surface of the duvet a single tear rolled down Taeyeon’s child-like face and splashed like a diamond. Tiffany could almost hear the splatter of the tear burning a hole in her cold, cold heart. 

The rustling of clothes and the sudden coldness that brought goosebumps to her arms alerted Tiffany of Taeyeon’s departure from her bed side. Once she heard the shower come on in the bathroom, she sat up and half wrapped the duvet around her more tightly, as if it were to stanch a wound.

Why did Taeyeon always have to do this to her. To make her so confused. To bring her heart to so many places and back. Taeyeon had stranded her in an unknown place that just had nothing tangible to fight, nothing wrong to bring to justice. To a place where only love matters. To a place where there was no room for the voices in her head. But she was so accustomed to fight against the current, to fight herself, to fight the world. She hated it. She hated how Taeyeon could reach out and take her away so effortlessly. It makes her feel weak, insubstantial, and insecure. A place where only love matters shouldn’t exist. A place where she can be relieved of her pain should be impossible to exist. But in Taeyeon’s arms, she had found that place. Tiffany can only step away from such a perfect place, for fear that the perfection was just a reflection in the water that would ripple and disappear when she touched it. Like a house of cards that will come crumbling down with the slightest disturbance.

Tiffany pulled the duvet away and took decisive steps towards the bathroom. Determination gave strength to her expression. She wanted a part of the perfection. She was going to learn how to step forward without having things fall apart like it has with her family, Taecyeon and Natalie.

--

Taeyeon let the cold water splash down on her face and pulled her hair back with both hands. She wanted the cold to seep under her skin and sober her up.  To wash her clean of her sins. To punish her for breaking Jessica’s heart. She could have had it all with the mature blonde beauty. But Tiffany had pulled her back like she has always done. She did not want to think of the ramifications. She did not want to think of how long her relationship with Tiffany would last. All she knew was her heart had made the choice from the very start and all she could do was to follow it.

The sound of the shower’s glass door sliding open and the gush of cold air made Taeyeon gasp. Before her mind had the chance to register, Tiffany stepped under the shower head in front of her and stood there with an expressionless face staring at her.

“Tiffany! What are you doing stepping into the shower fully clothed? You’re getting all drenched! Come on. Let’s get you dry.” Taeyeon exclaimed like her usual caring self. She turned the tap off and grabbed a towel to wrap it around Tiffany. She tried to pull Tiffany out but the stubborn girl refused to budge and continued to stare at her like a dead goldfish.

“Fany-ah. What are you doing?” Taeyeon asked, exasperated.

Tiffany made no attempt to respond. She stretched her hand out to touch Taeyeon’s face, her fingers tracing the lines as if in exploration of something she had never seen before. 

Taeyeon froze at her touch. The shiver she felt had nothing to do with the coldness of being naked and wet. The crush of longing was bearing down on her chest.

“Fany-ah…” Taeyeon whispered.

“Don’t talk you fool. Kiss me.”

Taeyeon gladly obliged.

Tiffany let the towel around her fall to the ground as Taeyeon crushed her lips against her and pushed her against the wall. Tiffany could feel the heat of Taeyeon’s body through her thin cotton shirt. Their teeth clashed, their hands in a frenzy until oxygen became a necessity did they part their lips. Taeyeon’s gazed at Tiffany, her confusion written all over her face. What was Tiffany’s purpose in doing this right now?

The backs of her fingers drifted over her cheek, then turned to stroke with soft, searching movements over the delicate flesh of her ear, spearing gently, so gently, into her hair. “Why are you doing this to me, Tiffany?” Taeyeon whispered into her ears. “Why?”

“Love me Tae.” Tiffany’s raspy voice sent shivers down her spine.

“You know I do.”

“Then show me. Show me how much you love me.” Tiffany replied and peeled the wet shirt than clung to her body off. Clad in her bra and boy almost non-existent shorts, Tiffany knew she was a sight to behold. She almost chuckled out loud when Taeyeon’s gaze fell from her face to her chest and her mouth fell into a stunned ‘o’. But what surprised Tiffany most was when Taeyeon’s closed her mouth and returned her gaze to her face when a sad almost unreadable expression and whispered, “You don’t have to do this for me to love you, Tiffany.”

For a split second, Tiffany almost felt ashamed of herself. She was about to bend down and pick her shirt up when Taeyeon lifted her up as if she was the weight of a feather and carried her out to the bed.

Lying face up on the bed with Taeyeon looking down at her, Tiffany looked into her eyes. Deep, fathomless. Eyes to drown in. “Why are you doing this to me, Tiffany? Doing things that I can’t understand to me? Loving you was the hardest thing to do. I’m not made of stone. I get hurt too. So stop doing these things to my heart if you don’t intend to keep it.” Taeyeon whispered and a tear splashed down from her face. Tiffany reached up to wipe her tears away and brushed her closed eyes gently with the pad of her thumb.

“I love you, Taeyeon. So, love me.” Tiffany whispered.

Taeyeon’s eyes shot open at her words incredulously. “What?” she gasped, spoiling the quiet atmosphere with her loud exclamation. Tiffany giggled at the sight of Taeyeon’s face. “I love you Tae. So love me now.” Tiffany repeated, before pulling Taeyeon down and flipping her over.

“Now, where were we?” Tiffany purred as she straddled a naked and visibly surprised Taeyeon. Taeyeon wrapped her fingers around her nape. Drew, with ineluctable pressure, her face towards her, and stopped the slow aching descent with her lips against hers. This time, the kiss was slow, patient and loving. Her lips were velvet, her touch like satin against her skin. When Taeyeon’s lips kissed their way down to her neck, Tiffany let out a soft moan and pressed her body into hers. Her hands collapsed against the cool surface of the bed’s headboard when the trail of kisses went south and her breasts were released from the restraints of her bra. Taeyeon kissed, sucked and kneaded her at all the right places until she felt weak and boneless. She felt the flame light up in her body and the unfurling ball of tightness at the pit of her stomach as Taeyeon turned her over with her back against the bed and let her hand trace its way down to pull the tiny piece of clothing out of the way before returning her hand to where the piece of clothes once was. A slither of wetness ran down her bare thigh. Tiffany buckled her hips back and forth in delight with her eyes squeezed tightly shut. Her mind was blank except for pinpricks of lights bursting in her head in fireworks of different colours as Taeyeon picked up the pace. Taeyeon allowed her free hand to roam around Tiffany’s body with dexterity and her mouth to taste the sheen of perspiration at her favourite twin places. Every touch, every kiss Taeyeon showered Tiffany was with the love she felt for her inside. Tiffany rode Taeyeon’s delectable fingers until the peak of her destination before she screamed and strangled the pillow under her head and let out a deep shuddering breath of satisfaction. 

Taeyeon’s weight came down on her, as the lean muscles of the older girl’s arm slackened and wrapped itself around Tiffany’s body. Taeyeon’s head was at her shoulder, and she could feel the heat of her racing breath on her dampened skin as their chests rose and fell in tandem.

“Say those words to me again, Tiffany.” Taeyeon’s breath tickled her sensitive ear.

“I love you.” Tiffany whispered into Taeyeon’s hair and wrapped her arms around the girl by the small of her back. “I love you.”

For Taeyeon, those three words were enough. Enough for her to pull through. Enough for her to find strength to navigate the thick smoke of unanswered questions. Enough for her to know that her sacrifices were worthwhile. Questions can wait till the sun fully rises. For now, under the tired waning moon, those three words and Tiffany’s embrace was all she needed as her exhaustion lulled her to sleep in the arms of her lover.

For Tiffany, those three words marked the beginning of a tough journey. But with Taeyeon’s hand in her, she knew a small chapter in her heart can close in peace. She smiled as she felt Taeyeon’s steady breathing, the twinkle finally returned to her eyes.

Part XXVI - Closure

It was a new day. 

The birds chirped. The children laughed. The air smell of fresh dew and life. Standing in the balcony, hair tousled, shirt flapping gently with the wind, Tiffany sucked hard at her cigarette before exhaling with a big sigh. Her left hand held the cigarette between her forefinger and her middle finger as she rest both elbows on the metal railings, her chin in her right palm. Not bothering if the ashes fell below and singed the beautiful kid's hair below.

Tiffany was in Taeyeon's blue button up shirt, the sleeves rolled up her forearm and in nothing else but her black laced lingerie. She wondered how on earth did the air she breathed smell like Taeyeon wherever she goes. She figured it must be the shirt she was wearing. The scratchy, choking cigarette smoke was the only thing that smell vaguely like herself. She wanted to keep a part of herself, albeit just the smell of her past. But she can't help but to love the combination of smoke, vanilla, rum, strawberries ... and Taeyeon. 

She could get used to this.

Taeyeon had left early, said something about trouble at work. Unsatisfied with the hurried kiss she received, she made the older girl half an hour late by tugging at her pants and pushing herself up against her. Tiffany smiled at the thought of Taeyeon's face. A cornered rabbit she is.

Tiffany stubbed the cigarette in the ashtray, lifted her coffee in delicate china to her lips before sauntering back into the house to avoid the morning chills. For the first time is so many years, Tiffany was all alone but she didn't feel afraid or suffocated. Even her dreadful apartment took on a brighter shade of colour, the shadows chased back to where they belong.

Tiffany placed her coffee on the beside table and plod herself down on the bed adorned by rich maroon and luxurious gold. Tiffany sat with her legs crossed, mentally conjuring up images of Taeyeon yelping in surprise if she arrive at her workplace dressed the way she was now just to cure her boredom. But she decided against it. Tiffany was going to be a good girl. Or at least she will try to be one. But the thought couldn't stop the smile from spreading beautifully and gracefully on her face.

With the only amusing thing to do strike off her list of activities to fill her day, she heaved a sigh and laid backwards, crashing her head into the soft pillow and placed her arm over her eyes.

Before she could drift off to sleep, pictures of times she had felt so at ease clawed their way back to her memories. But this time, those memories did not eat her up like acid corroding her mind. It no longer felt like her mind was about to implode. Instead, it had brought her a sense of lingering, of bittersweet loving that she wasn't sure she was able to ever forget. The promises that couldn't be fulfilled. The lives that could have been saved. The person she would have become if things turned out differently. Life wasn't always fair. Tiffany had always gotten the short end of the stick. But she wasn't going to hold on to the resentment or the bitterness. Not anymore.

Tiffany sat up and swing her legs to the side of her bed. She took a deep breath, as if readying herself to leap off a cliff. Even if she wasn't doing that, it felt like it as her trembling hand reached for the drawer that she hadn't open in years. The screech of rusty metal against the wooden drawer only reminded her of the time that had slipped by. In the large drawer by her bedside, sat a picture of herself in Taecyeon's embrace, a thick black woolen sweater of his that now smell of dust and mold and the dusty box that held their engagement ring.

Tiffany brought a hand to her mouth to muffle the sob that threatened to escape. Only yesterday it had seem like they have had the time of their life, the remains of their glory days now sat abandoned in her drawer. Only yesterday were they making memories that they had thought would make for a good story for their grandchildren as they grew old together, hand in hand till the day God claimed their souls.

But that faithful day had came for Taecyeon earlier that it should have.

and here Tiffany was, left with nothing but a torn heart and whispers of yesterday's promises and memories.

She opened the box and took the beautiful ring out of the box and slipped it onto her fourth finger. It fits just right.

Just like it had so many years ago.

Most of all, it hasn't lost it's shine.

unlike Tiffany's world that had fallen apart as the ring sat in its cushioned box, mocking her.

Tiffany changed out of Taeyeon's shirt and slipped into his woolen sweater and a ragged denim shorts before grabbing the picture and the keys to her car.

--

Heavy clouds loomed above Tiffany threatening to pour with its rumbles of thunder as the waves lapped gently at Tiffany's toes. She pulled the old photo out of her pocket and stared at it longingly. It was a lifetime ago of happiness that she had lost. But she was no longer angry at the unfairness of the world, or herself for the things she could have done or said. She was resigned to her fate.

It was a lifetime ago. A lifetime she had to learn to let go. Unknowingly, a tear fell and landed in the picture. It blurred the smile on her face in the picture before it rolls down onto the sand as the first of raindrops fell around Tiffany.

With a swift flick of her thumb, the flame from her lighter burst out radiantly and stood strong across the rain that fought to extinguish it. The tears from her eyes poured out more heavily with the closing distance of the picture and the flame.

"I'm sorry. But I have to let you go now." Tiffany whispered as the flame licked and slowly engulfed Taecyeon's arms across her waist, to the smiles on their faces and the twinkle in their eyes. She let to wind take the ashes of the picture and carry it towards the sea's growing angry waves. It landed silently on the waters before a wave rolled in and ate it up into its dark depths under the sea.

The rain washed away her tears and her hair clung to her scalp. She crumbled to her knees and dug her hands into the soft sand. She pounded and screamed all the pain that had grown and infested in her very soul. She was angry. She was let down by the people she loved. She was abandoned. She was alone. She could have had the world. But life had to rob her of her happiness, time and again.

She missed Taecyeon. She missed Natalie. She missed her parents.

But one by one they had all deserted her.

They were her undoing.

She could not keep up with the breaking of her heart. She could not cope with the lost. She had given all she had but had nothing in return. She was tired of hurting. She wants to be braver. But when the pain came knocking on her door, she had no means of keeping it out.

She cried until there was no tears left in her. She pounded the sand until her hands bled. She cried and pounded until she was reduced to a boneless wreak, soaked to the bones breathing in and out ragged breathes.

"Don't do this to yourself, Stephanie. It hurts me to see you this way." His rich baritone reached for her like a sweet caress and rang in her ears.

She raised her head to see Taecyeon in a distance, wearing that black woolen sweater she had on. His handsome chiseled face smiled back wistfully at her.

"Why did you leave me?" she sobbed. "Don't you remember the reason you loved me before? How could you leave me all on my own? How could all of you do this to me? I loved all of you. Every single one of you with all my heart."

"I'm sorry, Stephanie." His head hung low. "I truly am."

"I'm sorry too." Tiffany whispered as she slipped the ring off her finger and placed it in his outstretched palm.

"It's okay." he replied and wrapped his arms around her once more. She buried her face in the familiar woolen sweater of his and pulled it in as he held her even more tightly. It was the last time she could ever feel his hard chest against her fragile frame. She closed her eyes and leaned into him.

"I love you. I always have."

"I love you too."

"I wish nothing but the best for you two. You deserve to be happy, Stephanie. You deserve a life with Taeyeon. But don't forget me."

"I wouldn't."

Those were her last words as the rain and waves claimed him and Tiffany was left all alone on the sand but stronger inside. She pushed herself up, peeled the black woolen sweater that clung to her skin off and buried it in the sand, along with Stephanie and all of her past.

"Goodbye."

Tiffany took one last longing look before she took shaky but determined steps towards her car, a new fire burning inside of her kept the cold at bay.

It was a new day.

Chapter XXVII

Tiffany returned to the house. Most of the rainwater had evaporated off her skin, leaving her shivering in her soaked clothing. She stood in the hallway and felt water from her shorts roll down her thigh and left a trail down her leg. For a moment, she had no idea what to do. She felt disoriented, like she had been sucked into a vacuum to a state of mental paralysis. Everything felt unreal, and her brain was refusing to function. She was stripped bare of any thoughts.  For the few seconds that she stood still, her senses  heightened.

She noticed how the sunlight splash across the room through the window and the lightly fluttering curtains. She saw the flecks/specks of dust floating in midair as she reached out to touch them and watch the particles bounce and float surreally away from her hand. She hears the low hum of the ventilator. She registers every breath that she took. She feels the warmth of the floorboards that sent pleasant tingles up from the soles of her feet. She tasted the scratchy ash taste from the cigarette she smoked before she left the house.

For the first time, she lets out an uninhibited laughter that alternated between chortles, snorts and grunts.

For the first time, she felt liberated.

--

Taeyeon stared down at her bank account book. Her savings were modest. Being a part time singer and a part time DJ really couldn’t quite bring in much money. She looks up at the intimidating sparkling diamonds, the Tiffany blue and the glittery sliver ribbons. She closed her eyes to remember Tiffany’s face. She closed her bank book and strode purposefully into the store.

--

Tiffany poured coffee beans into the coffee machine and placed the empty pot underneath the nozzle. Suddenly, even the simple act of making coffee seems to lift her spirits up. With the sound of crushing coffee beans and bubbling coffee in the background, she spun around and headed to the shower.

--

Taeyeon was warmly welcomed by the smell of coffee and the sound of running water in Tiffany’s apartment. That was a first in the house. It rarely smells more than expensive perfume and cigarette smoke.

With determined steps, she made her way into the bedroom and gently eased the bathroom door open. She can make out the silhouette of Tiffany behind the fogged glass that separated the shower from the rest of the bathroom. Familiar shivers tickled her senses like little electric pulses under her skin. She took a deep breath and stepped inside.

“Hey.” Taeyeon greeted and made herself comfortable atop the capped toilet bowl.

Tiffany spun around surprised and slid the glass door open enough for her to stick her head through. “Hey.” She called back unsuspectingly. “You’re back early!”

Taeyeon smiled and replied distractedly “Yeah. I am.” Anyone in her position would have been distracted. Tiffany pressed up against fogged glass … delectable sight.

“Well, you’re just in time.” Tiffany reached for the bath towel that was just out of reach and Taeyeon chuckled at the silliness of Tiffany trying to hide behind the fogged glass and reaching for the bath towel. After all, what was there that Taeyeon hasn’t seen? Tiffany’s face scrunched up in determination didn’t help at all.

“You can just step out you know?”

“and have you eyes feast on my naked body like I was a piece of meat? No, thank you.”

“suit yourself. I’m just going to make my way out…” Taeyeon stood up and snatched the bath towel away. “with this.”

“Hey, YOU!”

Taeyeon giggled, scooting out of the bathroom like a bolt of lighning and slammed the bathroom door shut.

Tiffany irked, swung the door open with such force that its hinges creaked laboriously in the process and heaved a sigh before the door came to a stop when it slammed against the wall.

Taeyeon caught Tiffany in her arms and wrapped her in the bath towel halting the girl from unleashing her vexation with the force of a hurricane. “There, there. No need to rush. Told you to step out, didn’t I?” She cocked her head playfully and grinned back at her.

Tiffany’s eyes narrowed into dangerous slits and shot imaginary poison arrows at Taeyeon. Taeyeon’s hands lifted into the air and she held it there like a punished schoolboy, backing up slowly towards the bed, before spinning around and making her quick escape out.

“You’re such a KID!” Tiffany yelled, but could not help but to laugh at the simple joy she felt.

--

Clothed, Tiffany padded out to the kitchen where Taeyeon was, sipping at coffee and gave her a light punch on her arm.

“I hate you.” Tiffany said while helping herself a cup of freshly brewed coffee.

“I love you too.” Taeyeon teased and wrapped her arms around Tiffany from behind. Taeyeon was impossible to deal with. Tiffany hate to show how easily satisfied or happy she was with Taeyeon, whatever that dorky girl did. So she opted for nonchalance to mask how she felt.

“So how was work today?”

“Good.” Taeyeon lazily dragged out her word.

“Great.” Tiffany retorted as she eased herself out of Taeyeon’s grasp and plodded down at the sofa and flipped through the channels absentmindedly.

Taeyeon stared at Tiffany with puppy eyes as she sat herself down beside her.

Tiffany stared back at her with a raised eyebrow “What is it that you want Tae?”

“Nothing.” Taeyeon happily chirped and buried her face in Tiffany’s lap like a dead penguin, with her face down and her arms by her side.

“Are you sure?”

“Sure, I’m sure!”

“You’re acting all strange, Tae. Hand over the truth now! Did you crash your car? Or are you guilty of flirting with another girl today? Did you sell off my Vodka collection? Oh my God, you did, didn't you?” Tiffany turned her head around to her bar counter just to make sure. Her Vodka collection was precious to her.

“No to all counts.” Taeyeon replied, deadpanned.

“Then what is it Tae?”

Taeyeon peeled her face off Tiffany’s lap, smiled another one of those crazy grins of hers, got off the sofa and onto her right knee. Tiffany’s look of mock anger gave way to irritation and irritation gave way to disbelief as Taeyeon extracted a small squarish box and opened it to reveal its content.

“What … what is this Tae?” she stuttered.

“Will you marry me, Tiffany?” Taeyeon asked in quiet anticipation and her voice wavered with uncertainty.

Tiffany gaped at her like a choking fish, her mouth opening and closing but no sound escaped between those beautiful lips.

“Will you marry me, Tiffany?” Taeyeon repeated again with all the sincerity she could muster, this time more solemnly, more softly. All traces of childishness and goofing around gone. “I love you and I cannot imagine waking up to a day without you by my side.  Please say yes?” The plead in her voice, vulnerable.

For Tiffany, the room seemed to hold still for a moment; only her pulse hammered. She forced herself to talk a long, deep breath and her mouth to form the shape of words she is about to utter.

The pure look of love in Taeyeon’s eyes intoxicated her, inebriated her, coursed through her veins like a fire ignite and pooled at the pit of her stomach while simultaneously filled her heart to the extent of joyous bursting.

“Yes.” Tiffany whispered, her throat constricting and her eyes brimmed with tears.

“Yes, Yes, Yes, YES!” Tiffany repeated, each yes louder than the last as Taeyeon slipped the ring onto her right ring finger. Tiffany leapt out of the sofa and barrelled into Taeyeon like a cannon ball and knocked the poor tiny girl onto the floor. Taeyeon gave a loud throaty chuckle and littered kisses all around Tiffany’s face and neck while she giggled and squirmed in her embrace in a tangle of limbs.

Everything seems to radiate so brightly for Taeyeon whenever Tiffany is present. She had a captivating beauty, the sort of beauty that struck fear into the hearts of both men and women. Men found such loveliness indomitable, and women knew their own beauty lost its lustre in the light of hers. Taeyeon cannot believe that Tiffany was hers and only hers after such a long and torturous journey together. Her litter of kisses slowed down as lips found each other.

“I love you too.” Tiffany whispered in between kisses and Taeyeon knew she was speaking the truth.

Chapter XXVIII

Tiffany was lying across her but Taeyeon was not conscious of her weight. She s4irred and Taeyeon pulled her closer, Tiffany was holding her like child after a nightmare. She brushed back her dark bangs and gazed lovingly at her exquisite features. Taeyeon pried herself loose from Tiffany’s embrace and dressed herself. Grabbing her car keys from the dresser table, she tip toed out the door.

--

The naked branches welcomed the snow with open arms and turned white. Lights%2u20came on around the neighbourhood. Children ran out their apartments and twirled in the falling flakes of snow which started in whispers before gaining momentum with the billowing wind.

Looking out her window, she watched as a family gathered around a bare Christmas tree slowly dressing it up with ornaments while exchanging joyous laughter. She smiled her characteristic smile, a smile that doesn’t seem to reach her eyes. Eyes that reflected a deep sorrow and longing. She wrapped her arms tighter around herself.

After countless hours by the window and watching lights goes out, one after the other in her neighbours’ own, she lifted herself up and dragged her feet towards her stash of liquor in her kitchen cabinet. She traced a finger along the assortment of alcohol behind it stopped at a bottle of Smirnoff. She plucked the bottle out of the neat line of bottles and twisted the cap off with a quick turn of her wrist. Her tears were falling behind she was even conscious of it. Her hand was shaking so badly that she had to put the mouth of the bottle to the edge of the glass behind pouring the liquid out, watching it splash into the glass, rising high on the sides behind settling down. She savoured the smell as the glass came up and the burn as in coursed down her throat.

The snow has fallen, Christmas is nearing. Why is it that I’m alone when there is someone for everyone?

--

The cold wind slapped Taeyeon on the face as she stepped out into the dark street from the apartment building. She hadn’t realise that it had started to snow. She blew hot air into her cupped hands and jogged her way to her car. Sticking her key into the car door, she pulled the door open, opened the glove compartment and pulled out two airplane tickets she had bought the day before.  

Paris

. 

Tiffany will be elated! 

Taeyeon can’t help but to givee2520herself a mental pat on the back for her sheer ingenious. The cold blast of wind gave her bum a smack before she hurriedly closed and locked the car door. She can do more mental praising of herself with a cup of hot chocolate. She turned around to shuffle back into the apartment building, only to collide with a drunken girl.

“ ’m sorry.” Taeyeon exclaimed, before sidestepping the girl only to be halted by the flash of blonde hair. 

Jessica?

Taeyeon pulled the girl up with both arms, only to have her worst suspicion was confirmed. “Jessica! Jessica! Can you hear me?” Jessica gave her a drunken grin in return, showing no sign of recognition.

Damn it! Taeyeon mentally cursed. She unlocked her car door and gently pushed Jessica into the passenger’s seat, snatching the bottle of Smirnoff out of her hands in the process and clambered into the driver’s seat herself.

“Jessica, it’s me, Taeyeon. Jessica!” Taeyeon urged with her voice, as if convincing Jessica would make her any more sober.

“Taeyeonnnn…” Jessica slurred. She put both hands on the sides of Taeyeon face and caressed her cheeks.  Eyes of liquid smoke behind Jessica’s blonde hair examined her. There was a clarity in Jessica’s gaze. She held her gaze, a beat too long for comfort before she turned away awkwardly.

Taeyeon knew that a line had just been crossed … again. She was still determined that nothing would happen between them, but equally certain that if it did, she’d be powerless to resist.

“Jessica, you’re drunk. Let me send you home.” Taeyeon pulled Jessica’s hands down gently and muttered more to herself than to the beautiful wreak of a girl. She started the car engine in silence, the airplane tickets on the dashboard sat there, staring at her, challenging her to do anything more.

The night sky was darkened smog, hazy and moonless. Streetlamps shone through the darkness and lit the snow covered roads. Paris wasn’t just a honeymoon. Perhaps it was a getaway. Taeyeon can cheat the world, but she could not cheat herself. She knew she had been selfish in her choices. She had been selfish with Jessica. She had been selfish with taking the blonde girl’s maturity and kindness for granted. She was thankful that Jessica had tried her very best to make a quiet exit from her life as she had so quietly wormed her way into Taeyeon’s heart.

Taeyeon did not doubt her love for Tiffany. She did not doubt her dedication to the reckless girl. Tiffany would always have the lion share of her heart. She can never leave her.

But equally, she did not doubt the love she had for Jessica or the quiet times they had shared. There were no fireworks, no rapid burst of colours. It was like the gentle flowing of water down the river that had brought calm in her most turbulent times.

Not for the first time, tears beyond her control found their way down her porcelain cheeks. It had sliced through her conscience to see first-hand, Jessica’s pain. Not the silent control the girl always had, but a pain that screamed to be assuaged.

“I’m sorry. I’m so very sorry. I’m not sorry for … us. But I’m sorry for making you go through this. I wish you would forget me. I wish you hadn’t loved me the way you do. I’m sorry. I was and still am a selfish b*stard.” Taeyeon sobbed,  her head against the steering wheel.

The alcohol was working its way through Jessica, coaxing her tongue loose, tempting her to say things she knew she will regret the next morning.

“You’re beautiful.” Jessica simply 3aid. It wasn’t an empty compliment. Taeyeon knew that. “It’s you I want, Taeyeon.” She said. “You I need.”

With one hand Taeyeon held hers, while with the other she pushed Jessica away. “Don’t do this.” She pleaded. Those were her words, but her eyes said something different. Glee and guilt pressed at each other within her. The blurted virgin%2pconfession sounded strange coming from a woman who pride herself for her restraint and it burned a hole in Taeyeon as surely as if it had been a blowtorch. She had single-handedly brought Jessica’s walls down but hadn’t been around to stay.

Jessica continued and spoke clearly despite her inebriated state. “I don’t want to be on your conscience Taeyeon. That wasn’t where I wanted to be.”

The silent implication of her words spoke volumes.

The airplane tickets continued their judgemental stare at Taeyeon. Her mind was made up, perhaps against its will. “Let me take you home.” Taeyeon’s tone was civil, no more, no less. It was laced with an indifference that cut through Jessica's very being - deeply. Civil was for colleagues. Civil was for acquaintances. Civil was for enemies. Civil wasn’t for ex lovers.

“No.” her voice was so soft as to be almost inaudible. She was drunk, but she had her pride.

Taeyeon watched as Jessica stumbled out her car and made no motion to stop her. Jessica stopped to give her one last look, a look of unfathomable disappointment and acceptance.

“I love you...but I can't do this any longer.” Taeyeon whispered, chaste and ashamed.

Jessica could not let herself to utter the exact same words. She was convinced that the physical acknowledgement would tear her world apart. So, she returned a small smile, pained and longing before she stumbled her way back into the dark blackness of a winter night.

Chapter XXVIIII

She did everything with a sense of detachment, as if she was a third party watching herself move, watching her talk, anticipating her own next action. She watched herself slip back into bed and watched herself fashion her facial muscles to give a semblance of a smile when Tiffany discovered the tickets to Paris underneath her pillow. She watched herself wrap her arms around Tiffany when the girl flung herself at her with enough force to make the bed creak painfully. She watched herself blush in embarrassment when Tiffany mock punched her in the arm for hugging her too tightly as if Tiffany was a float in the middle of a raging sea.

She watched and all she could feel was remorse.

--

Taeyeon sat quietly in the seat beside Tiffany as the girl rambled on about brands she can’t pronounce and is too prideful to try. She fidgeted in her seat as if ants had crawled into her pants, oblivious to Tiffany’s awareness. Only when the constant excited chatter since dawn died down did she turn to face Tiffany to meet a pair of piercing brown orbs.

‘Stop staring at me Tiffany. It’s creeping me out.’

‘Not until you tell me what’s wrong Tae.’

‘Nothing’s wrong. Flying jitters perhaps.’

‘…’

Taeyeon returned an awkward smile which could easily be mistaken as a grimace and hoped that Tiffany would look away.

‘Paris, here we go!’ Taeyeon exclaimed with a weak fist pump to add in an attempt to lighten the sudden change of Tiffany’s mood.

The silence was so deep and encompassing that it seemed to swallow her remark and whirl it down the black hole of felonies against Tiffany. She could only drop her head in defeat.

‘I’m sorry… I…’

‘Shhh. We can talk later.’

Questions and doubts can wait. Tiffany knew lies and facades when she sees them. But the pain in Taeyeon’s face did enough to twist her insides that she bit her tongue before any questions slipped her mouth and she gently took Taeyeon’s hands into her lap and stroked them to calm her own mind.

--

The quiet hum of the plane’s engines slowly lulled her to sleep as her head became heavy and her frown eased itself off her brows.

There were too many thoughts in her head. Thoughts she could not comprehend. She finally had a solid grasp on what she had always wanted. But why is it that an unexplained guilt nibbled at her conscience, robbing her of the happiness she had deserved?

Like an anchor, Tiffany’s hand held her down and prevented her from drifting away with the knowing waves and the float away with the wayward wind.

--

The sudden realisation of the enormity of a life together with someone aside from herself hit her in the guts, subtle as a sledgehammer and knocked the air out of her system. She had learned to be selfish, to believe she was the centre of the universe, so there wasn’t much room for anyone else - until Taeyeon carved a place for herself in her heart.

She was caught between love and escape, loyalty and selfishness, the past and the present. The thunderous waves were coming in, the time has come, when she is caught in the conflicting currents and her only option was to hold her breath and take the plunge.

Taeyeon was a heart too hot to hold, a flame that burned her soul.

The thoughts of love, pain and lost fermented in her mind and like wine that is kept too long, it now tasted bitter.

Passing her days in loneliness had become an end in itself – an empty existence that gave her no satisfaction.  But Taeyeon had taken that loneliness away and gave her something so beautiful and precious that she had the sudden urge to run before the beauty of the moment turned into dust.

She shook the thoughts away from her head.

Her heart pounded loudly in her ears in sharp contrast to the quietness of the plane cabin.

Tiffany signalled for a stewardess and had herself a glass of whiskey.

--

Taeyeon quietly unpacked both Tiffany’s and her week worth of luggage upon arrival at the pricey hotel that had a perfect view of the Effiel Tower outside the balcony. She had been quiet the whole journey and she was aware of Tiffany’s prickly mood.

She had to find a way or another to tell Tiffany about Jessica. She was worried that the revelation would burst their bubble of temporary happiness and bring her back to ground zero. But the thought of Jessica was a burden too heavy to carry. She couldn’t help but to feel like Jessica was an illicit affair she had behind Tiffany’s back, as pure and sincere the love had been.

Her mind was made up.  All she needs now is a bravery that she isn’t sure she had to carry through with her decisions.

--

Tiffany sat in the corner, a cigarette hanging loosely between her lips. She watched Taeyeon intently as the older girl moved around the room efficiently, always careful to avoid her gaze. She stubbed the end of her cigarette into the ashtray and blew lazy wafts of smoke into the air. Standing up, she strode towards Taeyeon, mindful to keep a respectful distance between the two of them.

‘Is there something you would like to say Tae? I had enough of your tiptoeing around me for today. TELL ME!’ Every word rose in decibel in accordance to the rage that was building up inside of Tiffany.

Taeyeon moved forward, but she took a step back to maintain the distance. She could not afford to let her any nearer. Any nearer, her walls will crumble and she’ll find herself too weak to move away, even if she hears her heart shattering like so many years ago.

Taeyeon’s silence scared her. The darkness was starting to find its way back into her mind. The light that was Taeyeon is dimming as the seconds passed by. She searched for truth in Taeyeon’s eyes only to find clouded ones staring back at her.

‘Please, tell me. I don’t want to feel lost anymore.’ Her anger gave way to fear and her eyes betrayed her , brimming with tears. ‘Please.’ Her voice was a whisper. A tear splashed. Taeyeon was looking at her but she cannot see her. She was out of focus from the hot, angry tears spilling down her face.

Sometimes, words aren’t needed to know the truth. The silence was an answer to her question. She steeled herself and prepared to say what she had rehearsed in her head. ‘Wherever you may be, I will always love you. Love you enough to set you free. Love you enough to know I’m not good for you. So walk away before I change my mind. Walk away before it hurts too much to let you go.  Walk away before it is too late.’

‘No!’ Taeyeon gave a startling shout. She had many things that she wants to say, but right now no was the only word she can find. She threw her arms around Tiffany and buried her face in her hair.

Fiercely embraced, Tiffany struggled to break free only to be held tighter.

‘Time. All we need is time Tiffany. Will you stay and have faith in me?’ Taeyeon looked at her. Looked right at her.

Tiffany looked away from the questioning gaze and whispered. ‘Only if you will love me.’ She had said it. Stripped bare of pretenses, her whole being laid bare and vulnerable waiting for an affirmation. Love made her this way - tired and afraid. Evident exhaustion filled her words as her heart and pulse beat in hard heavy slugs.

Taeyeon’s eyes misted. ‘I promise. Please don’t run away. I cannot live without you by my side. So stay. For you. For me. For an eternity.’

Tiffany closed her eyes and held Taeyeon face to her own. In the quietness, tears dried on their own. They shared a breath of shared existence honouring fate that had weaved their lives together and left them forever intertwined.

--

Lieutenant Choi whistled a happy tune as she drove her Land Rover, heading towards home after a 48 hours shift and a success case closed. The windows were rolled down to allow the morning breeze to wash away the stinking remains of cigarette smoke and rotten doughnuts in her car. Stopping at the red light, she smiled as the city stirred and came to life…until she saw a blonde girl around her age stumble on the walkway and fell on the road. She parked her Land Rover quickly by the roadside and rushed towards the stranger.

‘Miss! Miss! Are you …’ The question died in the throat when she saw an empty liquor bottle rolling out of the stranger’s hand.

Oh great bother. Another drunk. 

She muttered irritably to herself. The stranger has a large gash on the forehead from the fall and blood was oozing out from the wound rapidly. 

This is going to need stitches

. She hoisted the stranger up and lean the stranger’s small frame against her own not-so-tiny one. She heaved the passed out stranger towards her car and carefully placed her in the passenger’s seat. The stranger’s head lolled out at an awkward angle. Lieutenant Choi let out a tired sigh and gently put the seat back and adjusted the stranger’s head to a more comfortable position before shutting the door and driving off towards the nearest hospital.  Lips blue from the outside cold stared back at her. She rolled the windows back up and placed a blanket over the stranger’s shivering body.  

A girl so beautiful should take better care of herself.

--

Jessica’s hangover reared its ugly head, in the form of a choking frothing sensation at the back of her throat and it only meant one thing. She swung the sheets away from herself and leapt out of the bed fast enough to put any sprinter to shame.  She stopped dead in her tracks when she realised that she was in a foreign room. 

Oh nevermind that!

  Her mind screamed at her to find a bathroom. When her eyes registered one, she flew towards it, flung the door open and slid to the toilet bowl like a batter touching base and threw up the remains in her stomach. She half choked and half sobbed as bile rose and poured itself vulgarly into the toilet bowl. She stood up with one shaky hand pressed against the ceramic wall and another that weakly wiped the sides of her mouth.

‘You’re awake now.’ A voice spoke.

Jessica turned towards the owner of the voice who stuck pieces of tissue out at her.

‘Here. Use these.’

‘Thank you. Who are you and where am I?’ Jessica asked as she apprehensively took the offered tissues.

‘I’m Lieutenant Choi. You’re in a hospital right now. I found you by the roadside passed out with a large ugly gash on your forehead, so I brought you here.’

‘WHAT!’ Jessica gasped turned towards the mirror. Her ghastly reflection stared back at her. She had bandages on her forehead and dark circles under her eyes. She abashedly looked at Lieutenant Choi through the mirror’s reflection  and said quietly, ‘Thank you.’ She closed her eyes as another wave of pain coursed through her throbbing head.

‘Why don’t we get you back to bed? Shall we?‘ It wasn’t a question, more of a vague order. Jessica was too tired to resist help when Lieutenant Choi gingerly helped her towards the hospital bed.

‘The doctor advised for you to stay the night since you knocked your head pretty hard against the pavement.’

‘Okay.’

‘Is there anybody I could call?’

‘No’

‘You’re not very friendly, are you?’ Lieutenant Choi commented as she drew the curtains to welcome the warm winter rays.

The brightness blinded Jessica; she would have shielded her eyes if her arm would listen to her brain commands.  ‘No. I guess I’m not.’ Her tone cold and flat.

A nurse entered the room and set food on the table for Jessica and asked if she was feeling fine before quietly leaving the room.

Jessica had thanked her but left the food untouched.

‘You should eat.’

‘I don’t feel like it now.’ Jessica replied defiantly, but she did gulp the water down to clear her scratchy throat.

Lieutenant Choi peeled the foil package and stuck the plastic fork into a small piece of chicken before wordlessly putting it in front of Jessica’s mouth.

‘You don’t have to do this.’

‘I want to. Please eat.’

The hangover was enough of a bother. Jessica did not have the physical capacity to argue with the determined lieutenant.

‘It tastes like sawdust.’

‘You’ve been drinking.’

‘I know.’

‘Why?’

The simple question struck her. Unconsciously, her hands pleated the blanket in her lap. ‘I’m going through a rough time.’ Even the delicate phrasing churned painful memories.

‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to pry.’

‘It’s alright.’

The palatable sorrow made the lieutenant uncomfortable. ‘Why don’t I get you hot soup from the cafeteria downstairs?’ She said hastily.

The lieutenant’s discomfort brought a small smile to Jessica’s face. She had found it rather endearing.

‘Alright.’

‘Alright. I’ll be back.’

--

Sipping on hot soup hungrily, Jessica was oblivious to Lieutenant Choi looking tenderly at her.

Lieutenant Choi had noticed her sunken eyes, slumped shoulders and the thick bruised cloud of sadness that lingers in the air. But she had also noticed Jessica’s delicate ethereal beauty. How her blonde hair frames her face, how the sunlight casts her in a beautiful glow. There was something about this new found stranger that drew out her protective nature and gave her little butterflies in her belly.

‘I’m done. You can leave without being worried about me now.’ Jessica’s voice broke her out of her quiet reverie.

‘Um. Well then. I guess I should get going now.’ Lieutenant Choi awkwardly stood out and swept imaginary dust off her lap. She turned to leave but swung back to face Jessica and stuttered. ‘Well. Um. Hm. I find you beautiful.’

The small compliment warmed Jessica’s heart. She tilted her head teasingly and looked back at the lieutenant.

‘What did you say?’ She asked, even though she had heard what the lieutenant said perfectly clear.

‘I…Um. Nothing. Take care of yourself. Good day!’  Lieutenant Choi took quick strides towards the door to escape the embarrassing situation.

‘Hey! Wait!’

Jessica’s voice stopped her in her tracks.

‘What is your name?’

‘My name?’

‘No. Your mother’s.’

‘What?’

‘Your name of course, silly!’

‘Oh. Sooyoung.’

‘Thank you Sooyoung. Will I see you again?’

‘See me?’

‘Yes silly. Do you have to repeat everything I’ve said?’

‘No. No. I’m sorry. It must be the lack of sleep. Of course. If you would like to, that is.’

‘I would. I need to thank you proper another day.’ Jessica replied with smile.

‘Great!’ Sooyoung replied a pitch too high. Excitement did funny things to people’s voices. She hurried away to avoid any more embarrassment, but she could not help but to do a little fist pump once she was in the lift and alone.

Jessica watched the nervous lieutenant leave with her hangover a little less bothersome and her day a little brighter.

She crawled under the blanket and realised she had been smiling the whole time.

It’s time to get better.

--

Nude on a Parisian beach, Tiffany twirled around and skipped towards the waters as Taeyeon followed meekly behind, highly aware of her nakedness.

‘Come over here you prude!’

‘You’re totally crazy!’

‘You’re a nun!’

‘I really shouldn’t have listened to you.’ Taeyeon rolled her eyes, covering her chest as she ran into the waters and engaged in a childish water fight with only the moons and the stars for company.

‘Ow!’ Tiffany had the back of her hand to her eyes. Taeyeon immediately stopped splashing water at Tiffany and hurried to her side.

‘I’m so sorry. Are you alright?’ Worry laced her words and she gently pried Tiffany hands away to inspect the damage.

‘Boo! Hahahaha!’ Tiffany grinned. When she smiled those eyes had twinkled with mischief.

‘You insufferable brat!’ Taeyeon grabbed Tiffany by the waist from the back and tickled them until the latter was spluttering water from her mouth, tired from screaming for help only to have her voice echo back at her and had frightened sleeping sea animals burrowing into the sea bed.

Their bodies were hot and flushed. Their hair wet but spirits high. When Taeyeon had finally stopped, she circled her arms around Tiffany’s waist and pulled her close, bare skin against bare skin.

‘Let go of me you creep.’ Tiffany said in an embarrassed whisper. She was glad the darkness masked the blush that coloured her face.

‘And if I don’t?’ Taeyeon whispered and laid a kiss on Tiffany’s bare shoulder. The taste of saltwater, vanilla strawberries and rum that was distinctively Tiffany intoxicated her.

Tiffany spun around and whispered. ‘Then I’ll do this.’ She gently pulled Taeyeon face towards her and she kissed her, slowly and longingly. The kiss spoke of love, of hope and of belief. When they pulled apart, Tiffany quietly laced her fingers with Taeyeon in the water and laid their foreheads together. With her eyes closed and seawater dripping down her lashes, Taeyeon had never been more beautiful to her.

‘I loved her.’ Taeyeon whispered. She opened her eyes and gave Tiffany a tentative look.

‘I know.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘Do you love me?’

‘Without any doubt.’

‘Will you keep loving me?’

‘Till my last breath.’

‘That’s all I need to know.’

Love is a losing game. Tiffany would not care if she has been and will be defeated. All she now knows is she would gladly surrender…

Body and soul.