Kahel

CIRCUMSTANCES—mga bagay na pinagdaraanan sa buhay. Everyone has their own circumstances. May mga sariling story plot ang bawat isa, ika nga. Ang bawat tao ay walang eksaktong kaparehas na kuwento sa iba. We all have our own conflicts in life that greatly impact our life choices. Kung may mga kaibigan akong nasa ibang bansa na at maayos ang buhay, or has it better than me, marahil ay wala silang gaanong iniisip na kagaya ko. Wala silang pinapaaral, wala silang inaalagaang tao, or maybe they have enough support, unlike me.

And it's okay.

Life is not a race. We just happen to have circumstances that would delay us, force us to make a short detour or even make us choose a difficult decision on our own journey.

***

Ilang linggo ang lumipas. Pala-absent na ang dalawang lalaki sa harapan ko. Si Drake ay malamang busy kakapunta abroad, samantalang si Lance—

"Ed," pagsira ni Matthew sa mga agam-agam ko. "Kanina pa kita kausap pero tulala ka sa hangin. What's up?"

Binasa ko ang aking mga labi. May inilabas akong photocopy ng pahina ng isa sa mga librong kadalasan kong binabasa sa library.

"Remember this?"

"Gorgon... ancient Greek... O, anong meron?"

Iginala ko ang aking ulo. Abala pa sa pagtuturo si Ma'am.

"Mamaya after class, sa library may sasabihin ako."

"Tungkol saan?"

"Basta importante."

"Sige, cancel ko na lang ang meeting ko with the media company."

"E, teka lang. Saka na lang tayo mag-usap. May meeting ka pala."

"Anything for you, Ed."

Nakangiti sa harap ko si Matthew. Nakapangalumbaba siya. Sinigurado niyang nasa kaniya ang atensyon ko bago niya ako kindatan.

Kinahapunan ay nakaupo na naman ako sa tagong bahagi ng library. Sa gilid ko ay isang malaking bintana. Tumatagos ang sinag ng araw sa stained glass. Nagkalat sa kinauupuan ko ang iba't ibang kulay mula sa lila, kahel, and berde na nagmumula sa disenyo ng salamin.

Iniilawan ng araw ang mga alikabok na marahang lumulutang sa harapan ko.

Sa isang iglap ay hinawi ang mga alikabok ng nagmamadaling umupong si Matthew.

"So, what is this important thing you wanna tell me, Ed?"

Napalunok ako ng laway. Nag-aalangan pa rin akong magkuwento. Hinihingal si Matthew sa harapan ko. Nakatiklop pataas ang kaniyang tuhod habang nakasandal siya sa bookshelf sa kaniyang likuran.

Kinuha ko ang dalawang papel mula sa bag ko.

"Remember that day when Lance and I had the talk on the rooftop?"

"Yeah, so? With his lame excuse of ditching you in front of the swimming team for his scholarship in Germany?"

"Oo, but there's more to it."

Nawala ang pagkakasandal ni Matthew. Lalo siyang yumuko patungo sa harapan ko. "Go on, speak."

"This is stupid." Napabuntonghininga ako. Akmang ibabalik ko ang mga hawak ko sa aking bag. "You know what, Matthew, never mind. You won't believe me anyway."

Matthew grabbed my hand even before I could put my things away. "Try me."

Huminga ako nang malalim.

Marahan kong inilatag sa harapan niya ang mga hawak ko.

"Lance is ill."

Naghintay ako sa reaksiyon ni Matthew.

Kung matatawa ba siya o matutuwa dahil sa sinabi ko.

But he was silent. Magkasalubong ang kilay niya habang binabasa ang medical record ni Lance na nakahain sa harapan niya.

"He has some kidney stones, which started a year ago."

"Is that the reason why he has been tardy in school lately?"

"Oo."

"Is he getting treatment?"

"Yeah, but it doesn't seem to be working."

"I see." Napatingin si Matthew sa isa pang papel na inilatag ko. "E, iyan?"

In front of him is a drawing of a Gorgon. There were some descriptions as to what the creature is and the things it is capable of.

"Lance told me that, his symptoms started when he met Drake—" Mabilis kong tiniklop ang mga dala ko at inalog ang aking ulo. "You know what? Nevermind."

He grabbed my hand again. I was about to stand up at muli niya akong pinaupo.

"Kahel Edknell Robinson, sit down and talk."

Ako naman ang nakasandal ngayon sa bookshelf sa likuran ko. Tinititigan ko ang kaibigan ko na nakataas na ang isang kilay sa akin at nag-aabang sa kalokohang pakakawalan ko.

"Lance thinks Drake is a Gorgon."

Ipinikit ko ang mata ko.

I waited for that burst of laughter mula sa bibig ni Matthew.

Ang tawa niyang malakas na kadalasan kong naririnig tuwing nagbibiruan kami. Ang tawa niyang nakakadala sa tuwing kaharutan ko siya noong high school.

But he was silent. Time-stood-still-like silent.

"So, hindi ka tatawa? Don't you think it's a joke?"

Matthew was just staring at me. Tila inaaral niya ang mukha ko. Halos isang minuto siyang walang imik bago siya napatingin sa stainedglass sa tabi namin.

"What if it's true, Ed?"

Nagulat ako sa sinabi niya. Napayuko ako para mas marinig siya lalo.

"You're kidding me, right, Matthew? How can a Gorgon exist?"

"What if lang naman, Ed. The way you explain it, hindi ka rin naman naniniwalang joke lang ang mga sinabi ng ex mo."

"I dunno. Hindi naman mukhang Gorgon si Drake. His hair is so fine. His eyes are dazzling. He's too naive to even curse someone."

Natahimik si Matthew. Kinuha niya ang papel mula sa mythology book at inangat patungo sa harapan ko.

"What if—" Hindi niya itinuloy. It was as if he were comparing me to the picture on the paper.

Ibinaba niya ang hawak niya.

"What if what?"

"Nevermind." Agad siyang tumayo. Halatang malalim ang kaniyang iniisip. Kanina pa magkasalubong ang kaniyang kilay. He suddenly extended his hand. "Let's go check on him."

"Who?"

"Your good-for-nothing, ex-boyfriend."

"Are you sure? Wala ka bang lakad?"

He started singing in an unfamiliar tone. "I already had enough fun. I think he deserves better."

Napataas ako ng kilay. Napakamot ako ng buhok. "Tula ba iyan? From what book?"

Hindi niya ako sinagot. Magkatabi kaming naglakad palabas ng silid aklatan.

***

"Sandali lang, may bibilhin lang ako saglit."

Pumunta kami sa ospital. Bago kami umakyat sa palapag kung nasaan si Lance ay may binili muna si Matthew mula sa convenience store.

I saw him running back while putting something in his pocket.

"Ano iyan?"

"Later, I'll give you one."

We were inside Lance's private room. Sakto at mag-isa lamang si Lance sa loob. Mahimbing ang kaniyang tulog habang may suwerong nakakabit sa kaniyang kamay.

"Are you his relatives?" tanong ng doktor.

Sabay kaming umiling ni Matthew. "Kaibigan lang po."

"Well, that should be enough. His parent live in Mindanao at wala masyadong tumutulong sa kaniya. Can I endorse to you some of his information?"

Sumang-ayon kami ni Matthew. Pinapirma kami ng doctor ng ilang consent documents about Lance's medical information.

Then he told us everything. My ex's diagnosis and the prognosis of his condition. Then he left us three.

"His condition is worsening?" Nakaupo na si Matthew sa kama sa gilid ni Lance.

Nakatayo naman ako sa gilid habang hindi alam kung ano ang gagawin ko.

"They did a trial of treatments sabi ng doktor kanina pero they were not working."

"Oo nga, and it seems that the stone is growing."

"Sa tingin mo Matthew, totoo ang hinala ni Lance about Drake?"

"I dunno, what do you think?"

"Pambihira ka naman, o. Kanina mo pa binabalik ang mga tanong ko."

Hindi ulit siya nakasagot.

Napabuntonghininga siya sa tapat ni Lance bago niya ulit ako nilingon. "Ed, I think I am asking the wrong question. Do you forgive Lance now?"

Napakagat ako ng labi. May parang tubig sa dibdib ko na isang taon nang nakabara sa paghinga ko nang maayos. Ito ang pakiramdam ng taong pinagtaksilan. Parang may paa ng elepanteng nakadagan sa mga baga ko at pinipigilan akong huminga.

"Hindi ko sigurado, Mat," nauutal kong tugon. Kumuha ako ng bangko at tinabihan silang dalawa. I was just looking at the floor nang may mapansin akong tumutulo mula sa mga mata ko. "I just can't believe he did that to me. He was such a nice guy. Pero ang bigla niyang pag-deny sa akin habang pinupukol ako ng mga masasakit na salita. I f-felt... b-betrayed."

Tumayo si Matthew. I could feel his hands rubbing my back.

"He was the first person to talk to me in high school. When no one wants to be my friend dahil naiilang sila sa itsura ko. Because I was different. Drake and I used to be outcasts when we were little. When Drake went abroad, I only had myself. Lance was the very first person to approach me and ask me to be his friend."

"I know."

"Hindi lang kasi ako makapaniwala Mat. I felt so lost. Para akong astronaut na lumulutang sa kalawakan. There was no gravitational pull. I was just there, floating and nowhere to go. Each second of being alone felt like eons, lightyears, or millennia. Tinatangka kong lumangoy sa kalawakan but no matter how hard I swam, I was just stuck there. On that same spot. Alone. Abandoned. Afraid."

"I'm sorry, K." Bigla akong natauhan nang marinig ko ang boses ni Lance. Inangat ko ang ulo ko. Mulat na ang kaniyang mata at nakatingin sa direksyon ko.

He started to extend his arms.

Agad ko itong inabot.

"I was such a selfish boyfriend, I know. There was no excuse for what I did. Hindi kita nagawang ipagtanggol. Inuna ko ang sarili ko. Nagpadala ako sa pressure ng ibang tao instead of standing up for you... for us."

I was sniffing and crying like a grade ten student na nakipag break sa jowa niya. I was squeezing his hands just to make sure that he knows I'm there, listening to every word he said.

"I never even got to kiss you," sambit niya sabay tawa nang mahina. "God, I miss taking you to the park. To our kwek-kwek dates. 'Tapos 'yong mga tig-sasampung pisong movie tickets sa sinehan tuwing Wednesday nights. I miss that so much."

"Baliw!" halakhak ko. "Magpahiniga ka na nga."

"I think. I've rested enough. I just want to thank you for talking to doctor for me today."

"Nasaan na ba kasi ang mga magulang mo?"

"They are—uh..."

"His parents don't care about him," biglang singit ni Matthew.

"Shh! Matthew," saway ni Lance.

"Stop pretending that you're strong, Lance! I heard you over Drake's house habang kausap mo ang magulang mo sa phone. Ever since you were a kid, you've been taking care of yourself at hindi ka na nila kinakamusta man lang."

Akmang tratayo si Lance upang sawayin ang kaibigan ko. Pero agad siyang napahiga dahil sa kirot sa tagiliran niya.

Natahimik si Matthew. Hinayaan naming mawala ang kirot ni Lance hanggang sa makatulog ito.

***

Maghahating-gabi na. Magkatabi kami ng kaibigan ko sa bintana sa gilid ng kuwarto ni Lance. Pinagmamasdan namin ang pasyente mula sa malayo.

"You know what, Ed, he really must have his own circumstances, kaya nagawa niya sa iyo iyon." Tinaasan ko siya ng kilay. Kumurba ang isang bahagi ng labi ko. "O, baka isipin mong kampi ako riyan sa ex mo ha? Ang akin lang, may mga life experiences tayo kaya siguro natin nagagawa ang isang desisyon. On his case—"

"I know, Mat. Sa kaniya ako natutong maging working student, actually."

"Really?"

"Yeah, wala na siyang nanay. Ang tatay naman niya ay may ibang pamilya na nauna kesa sa kanila."

"Oh. But still, having his circumstances does not justify what he did."

"I know," singit ko. "He must have been pressured by my previous team too. Remember when I told you that I felt like I was an astronaut floating in space?"

"Yeah."

"I guess he was an astronaut too but... h-he... he was heading to the sun. He was a good boyfriend before that. He would take me for lunch. Ka-chat ko magdamag. Kausap ko sa telepono. He would even force me to study, kaysa ang maging adik sa DOTA gaya ng ibang taga-kanto. Sa tagal niyang mag-isa sa buhay at sa unang pagkakataon ay pinili niya ang sarili niya. He has been aiming for that scholarship since we were in our first year of high school. Hindi lang talaga siguro tama na ako ang ginawang kondisyon para bitiwan niya ang mga pangarap niya. I just wish he talked to me sooner."

"Well, you had your talk. So do you forgive—"

"Yes!" Nakangiti ako kay Matthew bago pa niya matapos ang tanong niya. "Mabuti namang tao iyang si Lance. You should get to know him more."

"I know, Ed. I know." Matthew was smiling. May bigla siyang inabot sa akin. "O, ito."

"What is this?"

"Get-well-soon bracelet. Tig-isa tayo."

"Adik. Hindi ba dapat para kay Lance iyan?"

"Hindi na niya kailangan niyan. Matagal ang buhay ng masamang damo." Natawa siya lalo. He put the bracelet on my wrist. "I hope you get well soon from all your circumstances, Ed."

I was smiling at that thing in my hand. Kulay blue na bracelt na halatang mumurahin.

"Friendship bracelet ba ito, Mat?"

"Oo. Mamaya bibili ako ng mas malaki at itatali ko sa leeg ng ex mo."

Nagtawanan kami sa loob ng kuwarto. Ilang minuto pa ay natahimik na naman kaming pareho.

Napansin ni Matthew na magkasalubong na naman ang kilay ko dahil sa sobrang pag-aalala ko kay Lance.

Kinalabit niya akong bigla. "Wanna know a secret?"

"What?"

"The day I found you crying in the library when we were in high school, Lance was there too."

Mabilis na nawala ang ngiti sa mukha ko. "Really?"

"Yeah, he was outside the door, though. Palagi ka niyang sinisilip sa library. He was making sure that you would go home safe after school."

Nakaramdam ako ng tubig na umaagos sa pisngi ko.

Ang mabigat na paa ng elepanteng nakadagan sa dibdib ko ay tila unti-unting gumagaan.

"Why are you just telling me this, Mat?"

"Because it's not my job. It's his own volition to hurt you and it's his responsibility to get inside that dark library and to apologize himself."

Nilingon ko si Lance. Mahimbing pa rin ang tulog nito. "Well, he did say sorry a couple of times now."

Mat and I started smiling again.

"So, I don't mean to get into your personal life, but—eh...why haven't you kissed him when you were still together?"

Umasim ang mukha ko. Tinawanan ko si Matthew.

"Siguro, masyado pa kaming mga bata noon kaya—"

"Sows, I bet you just want your first kiss to be with someone special."

Natahimik akong bigla.

Naalala ko ang nangyari sa ilalim ng puno ng saging... sa Tarlac... habang umuulan sa kalagitnaan ng gabi. Kasama si ano—

"If I kiss him, would that make you happy, Mat?"

"Of course not. Somehow, gusto ko rin naman na ako ang maging first kiss mo."

"Baliw!"

Mabilis akong tumayo. Nilapitan ko si Lance.

"Seryoso, Ed? Gagawin mo?"

"Oo. It's fine. He's not my first kiss anymore."

I leaned forward.

I kissed Lance on the lips.

It was just a smack but I saw him smile a little.

"Ayan, puwede na siyang mahimbing nang tuluyan," hagalpak ni Matthew.

"Siraulo. Iyang bibig mo." I ran my fingers through Lance's hair. "I sure hope he gets better."

"He will. Ed, he will. And... I will miss you, my dear friend."

Mabilis akong napalingon kay Matthew.

Agad siyang nawala sa kuwarto.

He left the door open and he left me alone, wondering where on earth he went after that.

***

The following day, I heard the good news that Lance suddenly felt better. Sabi ng doktor ay mabilis at kusa nang lumiliit ang naninigas na bato nito.

I was working in the mall that day. Naghahanda na akong umuwi upang daanan si Lance sa ospital.

I was in the staff room when I heard Annie calling my name. May pinapanood siya sa cellphone niya.

"Boss!" she shouted. "Hindi ba, high school mo ito? Siya 'yong favorite model mo, hindi ba?"

She showed me her phone screen.

It was a news video. Kaka-upload lamang one hour ago.

"Nandito po tayo sa Mattias National High School," sabi ng news reporter. Agad na nakuha nito ang atensiyon ko nang banggitin ang pangalan ng dati kong paaralan. "After one year of searching for the missing statue, kusa na lamang po itong sumulpot sa loob ng library."

I zoomed in on the video. Nilapit ko pa ang mukha ko.

Medyo madilim at hindi ko maaninag ang ipinapakita sa balita.

Suddenly, an upward chill came running on my spine.

Then, I saw it.

On the wrist of that statue.

The familiar bracelet that Matthew was wearing last night.