Day Twenty Four. Jack - 5:23

Why.

The only word to run through my mind was that - why.

Why had things that days ago seemed to be going so well, turn so easily into a mess for the world obsess over? How had this even happened? How and more importantly why had I fallen right back to square one - to day one?

I'd fallen down back through this mess, but with no hopes of escape - only the knowledge that I'd have to go through it all over again, and honestly I didn't think I could handle that, and maybe Alex knew that too, but I had no choice now, because Alex's decision was final, and perhaps this time around I'd get that into this stupid little head of mine.

I'd tried far too hard to rebel; I'd always gone through with the 'knowledge' that Alex and I were equals, but the thing is, it was rather obvious that Alex called himself 'master' for a reason, and of course, only now it was coming to this stupid little head of mine, wasn't it?

The thing is though, I never did learn, did I?

Perhaps this time I'd be okay, and this time I'd just accept that Alex was in charge and that things would go as he said and under his rule, but I doubted I could keep my mouth shut long enough to let that happen, because that was the thing about me - I just had to have the last word; I couldn't accept that someone else, despite the honest and somewhat blatant truth, was right.

It always had to be me.

And then I discovered that really, I was the most arrogant one of them all; Alex was a saint to me, and he probably thought so too. Perhaps that was what was going on in that head of his and perhaps I had caused all this mess.

Alex believed strongly in humans and his perception of their idiocy and controllable nature, and when I'd came along and completely destroyed all he knew, maybe he broken down a little, and then maybe he decided that this state of arrogance was placid for humans and perhaps that made him up his game, leaving him in the state he was now and the blame entirely in my stained red hands.

It was all so clear now, and it was practically ridiculous that I hadn't seen it before, but then again, I guess it kind of fit then, because that's how my life was - ridiculous, and that's how I deserved things to be, so perhaps I did deserve what had happened, as of course sins warrant punishment - that's how this world works, even if it's only now I'm learning that.

I deserve it all, and as always Alex was always right.

He wouldn't lie to me - Alex knew best. He wouldn't guide my life in anything other than what he knew was right and best for me, because unlike the rest of the world, Alex cared about me. He just had a strange way of showing it, I guess.

Perhaps I should obey him now, and perhaps I should get some sleep.

Perhaps.

Or perhaps I shouldn't obey him, I shouldn't believe a single word that leaves his lips and I should escape while I have the opportunity, or even try when I don't, but I know by now that it's a long shot and even if by some miracle I do accomplish the impossible feat, it wouldn't last long at all.

I wouldn't know what to do, whom to go to, because by the day, it's becoming even further apparent that I really have no one else outside this house, and that honestly, even if it was entirely unintentional, Alex did me the biggest favour he could have ever done by bringing me here.

Even if it was kidnap, he still cared enough and even noticed me from the crowd. He cared about me, because I was still alive, and now, now I knew I should be thankful, and that I need to repay him for his sympathy and kindness, because it's there, it's always been there, Alex just has an odd way of showing it.

Love, however, I'm unsure about, but I suspect it's much the same, or at least I hope so, clinging onto the hope that it isn't greedy to hope the one you love returns your feelings, because now I want to listen to Alex, and I want to be righteous.

The man knows what's right and perhaps if I obey him and follow his conduct, he'll turn his attention towards me and there'll be love again, and even if things don't quite work out like that, then I think simply out of newfound gratitude, I'll be content with simply his forgiveness alone.

-

10:12

"Jacky..." I grew to consciousness slowly, awakening to the warm touch that spread through my veins as he placed his hand on my shoulder. It shouldn't have been like that, but of course, Alex had always been my ultimate vice, and there was of course nothing I could fall in love with than the one thing I shouldn't,

I let out a grunt to signify I was awake, before rolling onto my back and rubbing my eyes, getting as much sleep as I physically could before I did finally have to push open my eyelids and let reality take me through the day - something I was nothing short of dreading.

"Hey, you've got to wake up now." Alex murmured sitting down on the bed beside me and looking at me with strangely sympathetic eyes for having raped me last night; this of course being a fact I could never let myself forget, despite every glance he gave me and every time his eyes turned soft, and of course that stupidly fucking cute smile.

"Fuck off." And that was when I learned that my late night sympathies didn't translate into the morning light, and perhaps that was a good thing, because forgiving Alex for the third time could be quite possibly the worst move I could make, yet somehow I felt it coming on, even without my consent. Now wasn't that just beautifully ironic?

"Jacky." He let out a sigh, running his fingers through my hair in a manner that I didn't want to be quite as calming as it was, but Alex seemed to have some sort of magical powers when it came to calming me down, or mainly manipulating me, and it certainly was working very much in his favour, even if I was a little biased to say so.

"What?" I snapped out in return, sealing my eyelids back shut and wondering if I could just lay here forever and forget I even once existed entirely - I mean I had to die some day, and it was simply Alex's decision as to how soon that day came.

I wondered how the events of the past twenty four hours had affected that decision, and still I wasn't quite sure as to which way I would prefer him to sway, but I didn't settle on it for awfully long, as after all the decision was nothing but out of my control and the only thing it could accomplish was weighing me down: the metaphorical chains to these temporarily free wrists.

"Jacky, I'm sorry, I just want to talk to you." He whispered, shuffling up next to me on the bed, yet in the circumstance, his gesture was more threatening than it was comforting, but it was Alex so perhaps that had been the intent, or the subconscious one at the very least.

Even if Alex wanted to be kind for some godforsaken reason at that particular moment in time, it was always as if his mind was holding him back - not quite letting him. And I hated that, because what else could I? Now, he'd resorted me into this situation of not quite complacent, placid yet reluctant compliance, but that was okay, despite the fact that I hated it.

"What about?" I grumbled, sitting up entirely and slowly edging as far away from him as I could in what I could call the most discrete manner possible. "How I'm your little whore and you want to fuck me all night?" I met his eyes with the most hateful glare I could muster from these fucking tear stained eyes. "How you're going to slit my throat and push a bullet into my skull?"

"No," He let out a sigh before continuing, perhaps disappointed in himself; he was fucking Alex Gaskarth and he couldn't end the life of some stupidly arrogant boy. I'd be disappointed too- in fact, I am, but not in me... in myself.

"I want to talk about how I regret what I did last night and that I am really very sorry." He met my eyes for the last part, probably in some mediocre attempt to somehow validate his blatant lie. I never understand the whole looking someone in the eye thing. If someone's a vaguely decent liar and are comfortable with going through with lying to someone, I'm sure they can manage to push away their morals (if they have any that is) long enough to make eye contact for a brief few seconds.

"Sure you are." I rolled my eyes, pulling my gaze away from him before I somehow managed to get myself trapped in it or something like that, which I said in sarcasm, despite the fact it was painfully and even scarily possible.

"Jacky, please..." He placed his hand in mine, causing me to stop and considering look back at him, even if it was only momentarily, but I didn't - I couldn't. "I promise you, Jacky. Three times is too much- this will never happen again."

He'd said that twice before and with every time it had only grown to mean less and less. And I began to wonder if I should listen to a single word he ever says, and if one single word of meaning ever left those lying lips.

"Three times is too much." I agreed, inhaling slowly in a haphazardous attempt to fight back my tears. "Twice is too much, though. In fact, one fucking time is one time too many, Alex." I turned back to burn apart his gaze with my glare, finally giving him and letting the eye contact that screamed to be, be. "Do you not get that or something?"

"I said I'm sorry, Jacky. What else can I say?" He struggled to meet my gaze in what I guessed to be guilt. In fact, I hoped and prayed that it was guilt, but things didn't certainly seem to be that way; this was Alex, after all.

"Nothing." I let out a heavy sigh, almost as if I was releasing everything; letting go all at once, which really sounded like a terribly foolish idea, yet I did it regardless. "You can't say anything that will mean something now."

"Then how am I supposed to fix things-"

He still didn't get it; the whole concept was fucking alien to him by now and it was accomplishing nothing short of tearing my heart apart. But perhaps that was for the best - I really didn't need a heart these days; after all, the thing had only brought me ache, pain, and this sickening little thing called love.

"You can't!" I screamed out, unable to stop myself by now.

"Jacky-"

"Shut up with the fucking 'Jacky's, okay?" I had just completely lost it, and in my head I'd like to say that it was entirely his fault, despite the obvious truth.

But really with Alex and all he's done, I wasn't exactly to blame. Partially, of course, but most definitely, not exactly.

"I'm sorry." He breathed out after a painfully prolonged period of silence and I bit my lip, daring to meet his gaze. The tables seemed to have turned, as I was now unsure where to go from here, and more importantly how the hell I could ever accept this apology, and of course, whether I really should.

"Sorry isn't enough." I let out a sigh; sick of this situation and the mess that was our 'relationship' and even just this damn planet we live on, because right now I thought I had the right to be pissed off at everyone and everything. Arrogance had really taken a hold of me by now.

"I know..." His eyes drifted downwards and he began absent-mindedly twiddling his thumbs, leaving a wave of guilt that really should have never existed to wash over me, but it did, and this one was really entirely Alex's fault - I didn't have to convince myself on this one.

"Why do you keep doing this, Alex? I mean you say you're sorry afterwards and you make a really fucking convincing performance of it, but you never even seem to care when you're doing those things, and sometimes I don't think you understand just how complex emotions are at all." I let out a second sigh, accepting that I'd really pushed things over the line once again. "You can't fix things with a simple and overall meaningless apology."

"It's not meaningless, Jacky." He pulled his gaze up to meet mine, almost offended by my distrust in his apology, which I really had an awful lot of reason for, and that reason was really all down to him. "I wouldn't have apologised if I didn't mean it. You know I'm not that kind of guy."

"I know, Alex, but you've done this twice before and honestly I just don't know if I can afford to believe you a third time now- I mean, it was hard even trusting you on the second, like as if the first wasn't hard enough, but fuck- Alex, please just try to explain... why does this keep happening?" I needed an answer and I needed to keep digging even if the fact that there simply wasn't one was left in such plain sight.

"Because I need to be in control." He blurted out of nowhere, and into a silence that I was certain signified that I wouldn't receive an answer, and just this once it felt great to have been proved wrong by Alex.

Maybe I should never expect anything, then I'd avoid disappointment, but you can't just live like that; disappointment is a part of life, and it's a risk you have to take if you want to feel anything at all, and I do, because simple human emotions are the most powerful thing on this goddamn planet.

"You don't Alex- why, why do you need to be? I mean, what's going to happen if we're just equal, because Alex that's how normal people in normal relationships act." I met his gaze for the last part, my words tumbling from my lips before I could accurately judge as to how he might react to a statement like that.

Alex really didn't like the concept of 'normal' at all, and I could see why: he wasn't the type to have any hopes of fitting into a 'normal' society at all. Alex seemed to take pride in his difference and perhaps that was something I should be in envy of, but I guess Alex's kind of different was too different for me, even.

"Things go wrong and bad things will happen if I'm not in control..." He suddenly grew very quiet, pulling his limbs into his body and almost mimicking my body position of a few minutes prior. Irony again rearing its ugly head amongst our conversations.

"They won't, Alex, please trust me - they won't." I gave a squeeze to his hand - I didn't know why, it just felt right, and that was how I was living these days; it was impractical, irrational, and downright dangerous. It was also entirely Alex's fault, but that didn't mean I loved it any less. "I wouldn't lie to you."

"People have said that to me before."

"Did they lie?" I asked, wondering what I was uncovering here and almost more importantly as to whether I really wanted to know as to what had made Alex like this, because whatever or whoever it was, I was well and truly terrified of them.

"Yes." It was definite and certain and he didn't even have to think as he pushed the word between his lips, and that slowly began to break my heart into little rose tinted glass shards, laying on the floor in a pattern that didn't quite fit into a full heart anymore.

"I'm not other people, though Alex." I let out a sigh, not quite wanting to continue, but I knew by now I had very little choice. "I'm Jacky."

"You're special." He agreed after a while, almost as if he was trying to convince himself that I wasn't out to kill him or something, which really would have been rather ironic.

"I wouldn't say that-" I began to protest, almost out of a mixture of instinct and modesty, but I really wasn't sure as to why for the most part.

"You are." He was convincing me now, and this time, I openly let him; reluctance was out of the window these days. "You really are Jacky, and you just don't understand how you matter so much and that hurts me sometimes."

"What hurts me is when... it's hard to explain, but sometimes, Alex, it seems like there's two different people - there's this you - nice you, and then there's the Alex from last night who yelled at me and did what should have never been done even once, let alone three times." I admitted; despite the insanity that I guessed would come as a buy one get one free with my words.

"I think there's three." He pushed his words out almost as if he, himself, was afraid of them. "Three people - there's bad Alex, good Alex, and stupid Alex."

"Stupid Alex?" I raised my eyebrow at that one, wondering how someone with such arrogance could ever possibly admit to his own stupidity, but with Alex nothing is ever at all predictable.

"Yeah, that's me right now..." He let out a sigh and I wanted nothing more than to hug him until everything was better, but we weren't five anymore, and things had stopped working like that.

"What? Why?"

"Because stupid Alex has fallen in love with you, and there's no hope of that ever ending." My heart skipped a beat- several beats.

"I wouldn't call that stupid."

"What would you call it then?" He asked me with wide eyes.

"I'd say perfect. Perfect Alex."

Well I Thought That We Could Sit Around And, Talk For Hours About Things I Couldn't Say To You And Things That We Could Never Do.