Day Twenty Eight. Jack - 6:48

I think perhaps that waiting for Flyzik to finally get here was one of the most anxiety-ridden experiences of my whole fucking life.

Now Alex’s... gone. These thoughts, these fucking thoughts keep creeping into my head and they keep whispering the most horrible things into my ears. These things though are of course in the afterthought absurd, but when they're screamed into your ear by what seems like hundreds- thousands- millions of little voices, they seem all so fucking real.

Today the voices make me nervously unsure that Flyzik will ever turn up. Perhaps he doesn't care at all, and perhaps he's abandoned us entirely; after all, for someone like him that possibility isn't at all entirely unlikely. That is of course affected by our current situation, though, because I know that even though Flyzik cares very little for me, I know he cares about Alex.

Alex is what matters here. 

I need to put aside all these silly little thoughts and get over myself, because I'm not potentially dead, I'm just fucked up, and I need to fucking get over myself.

I tell myself this, but the voices are arrogant and ridden with emotion; they don't listen.

Alex was right. 

I should have known: Alex is always right.

Emotions are worth nothing but another anchor built solely to weigh you down. It seems easy enough to recognise that now and of course the hardest part is untying yourself from the anchors when they're what you've clung to and tied yourself up in for all so fucking long.

But I hold onto the fact that without these anchors I'll be free and then perhaps I could get away from this completely and I could find Alex. He's the only thing that seems to matter at all right now; my sleep has been terrible, and I've made very little effort to care, despite Cassadee's endless protests.

I don't think I've eaten much either. I don't feel like it's going to help, I just don't feel hungry, I feel empty, I just don't feel... not without Alex.

Fuck, I just need him here - he'd know exactly what to do, and even if I didn't agree with what he had to say, he knew that it'd always be right and it'd be my fault for not listening to him. Fuck, I deserved this didn't I? I never really listened to him, I never really gave him all he asked for - I was rebellious and a fucking bitch to him, and therefore perhaps I deserved this fate, this loneliness after all.

Because at the start, my only desire was this - 'freedom' as I would have called it, but in reality it's anything but that. Irony does always choose the best moments to strike.

Even if this is freedom, I know for certain that I hate it more than I could ever express, because this isn't freedom, this is loneliness, this emptiness, this is what it feels to be lost, and god I need him more than I could ever know.

Again, Alex was right again, because Alex always knew that the two of us were alike, meant for each other perhaps. He even told me, in the early days, and of course I hadn't listened; I'd ignored the truth, I thought him stupid and even a liar, but of course, he was Alex and he was right all along.

Maybe Alex had just been trying to get me to accept this when we had sex, maybe because he just knew what was best for me... Perhaps I had been ignorant to that also, and perhaps I'm still ignorant now.

Fuck, I need him.

He'd know what to do, how to cure me of this ignorance I'd cursed myself with. I think perhaps that Alex may also be some sort of god because fucking hell, he's free from this all, he's perfect... fuck, when he says he hears the angels and god speaking to him, perhaps he does and perhaps he's right, because how else, could he possibly be constructed so perfectly and efficiently if he weren't made entirely for God's personal use.

Now, now it all makes so much sense.

I hate being human.

I hate being ignorant to this all.

I need Alex back, and I need him back soon.

-

10:12

The doorbell chimed unexpectedly loudly throughout the house, almost as if someone had firmly pressed their finger down onto it with as much force as they could possibly muster, which with Flyzik's apparent lack of a gentle nature really wasn't at all that unlikely.

I scrambled to my feet, Cassadee shooting me a mildly confused look as I darted for the door, grabbing the key from the side and pulling the thing wide open in the space of a mere few seconds. I probably seemed pathetically desperate to the both of them, but I was, and I was just left to hope they had the compassion to understand.

Cassadee though didn't understand; I needed Flyzik right now, because quite honestly he was my best hope for finding Alex ever again. She really didn't see the situation that way though, and it really looked like there wasn't that much I could do to remedy that.

"Kid!" He exclaimed, referring to me as he preferred, his arms swinging around me in an awkward hug that only took place in the absence of Alex. With him here, none of this would even be considered plausible, but of course, loss changes people - it's something we can't, and just quite frankly don't want to understand.

"You doing okay?" He asked as we pulled away, eyeing me up and down in a weirdly concerned manner, because quite honestly I doubted that Flyzik's emotional capacities stretched quite as far as compassion.

I nodded in response, turning back to look as Cassadee wandered towards the door, peering at Flyzik from across the hallway. Her eyebrows were fixed up in a heighted position as she examined him in a manner awfully similar to the way he had just examined me.

"Cass, this is uhh... Matt Flyzik." I explained, turning back to Flyzik who appeared to be doing his best to look the least intimidating as possible; it wasn't really working all that well, seeing as he just gave off this don't fuck with me vibe, but he was trying at the very least - I had to give him credit for that. "He's, you know, the friend of Alex."

Her head moved slowly in a nodding manner in order to simply acknowledge my explanation, "yeah, hey." She smiled up at him and I just wondered how the hell she could maintain that standard of happiness in these circumstances when I couldn't even mange to fake it without him. "I'm Cassadee." She added, her smile widening to an extent that even made me a little uncomfortable.

Flyzik raised one eyebrow a little, stepping forward and peering around a little at the house. "Nice place, you've got." He commented upon the house casually, his hands lying low in his pockets.

"Uhh... yeah, yeah it is." She nodded, blushing a little, for god knows what reason. Girls are fucking weird, man. "You can hang your jacket up." She gestured to the coat pegs where my jacket and a few of hers now resided.

"I’m good, thanks." He pulled the dark hoodie closer around his body, but slid his vans off next to the other shoes and stepped forward, albeit a little awkwardly. I imagined however that he wasn't exactly at all accustomed to domesticities such as this.

"Alright then, kid, we've got a problem to solve, haven't we?" He pulled his expression up into a devilish grin.

His enthusiasm certainly both confused and worried me, but he had this glint in his eyes that could be mistaken for hope, this glint in his eyes that told me, that somehow, by some godly miracle, this guy seemed to have some idea what to do.

And honestly, despite my instincts, I was in no positions to deny that.

-

10:51

Flyzik chose himself an armchair that was positioned opposite the sofa, with the coffee table between us, he leaned forward as he sat in it, pulling out a notepad and a severely chewed down biro and throwing them down onto the coffee table in front of him without the need for an obvious explanation.

Cassadee and I took the initiative to sit on the sofa across from him. She still continued her distrust in him, displaying it more obviously than I thought she would have intended, via the means of offward glances and not quite so discreet body gestures.

I doubted Flyzik minded all that much though, because if he had any real problem regarding her, he would have voiced it by now. Well, I say 'voiced'...

She sent me a wary glance before gesturing with her eyes towards Flyzik and I gathered that she didn't entirely trust him at all, let alone in her house, and let alone with the fate of Alex, and quite honestly I didn't blame her.

Nonetheless I gave her a reassuring smile that signified that perhaps she'd just have to trust me on this one.

She appeared awfully reluctant, but she nodded in agreement regardless and I wondered why the hell anyone ever listened to me - I was clouded with emotion, useless, and irrational.

Alex was who we needed though; so I guess I'd just have to try to lock my emotions up inside of me long enough to get us through this and Alex alive. The whole matter was still spinning around in my head at a crazy wild speed, leaving me to cope with it in simply the best manner I possibly could, which evidently hadn't been awfully well.

"So, the simple fact is that Alex is either dead or he isn't." Matt stated aloud, glancing between the two of us and interrupting our silent conversation; constructed of only gestures and vague eye movements.

"What do you mean he's not dead?" Cassadee widened her eyes, immediately stuck in utter disbelief of his statement, of course, but that didn't mean she wasn't going to fucking interrogate him for it. "Jack saw the blood on the wall, and the pills gone. Jack saw this all first hand, come on. I don't mean to upset either of you here, but we have to look at this realistically."

"Don't worry," he paused, meeting her gaze, the corners of his mouth twisting up into a deviously sly smile, "I am." She sent him a confused glance in response, causing the corners of his mouth to curl up even further.

"Cassadee, was it? Yeah, the reality is that I know Alex a lot better than you do. Of course he's Alex, no one really has a clue as to what the hell could possibly go on up in that head of his, but I honestly think I have a much better idea than you do." And that was just about as tolerable as Matt Flyzik got, and this was most definitely a good day.

"Okay, okay." She let out a sigh, leaning back against the sofa, and possibly just fiving up a little inside, not that she'd ever even dream of admitting that aloud. "Just don't fucking upset Jack anymore." She hit Flyzik with a few stern words before she really let go though.

"Cass, it's okay, I'm okay." I insisted but she shook her head in utter ignorance of my reassurances. It pissed me off a little, and if I wasn't so preoccupied with Alex I may have been tempted to argue with her, but I was.

"Your boyfriend's dead - you're not." She slapped me cold, hard in the face with her words. A reminder unneeded; a reminder I should have forgotten, because honestly being reminded about Alex was the height of irony as he was the thing I just couldn't get off my mind.

"Actually, considering that he's Alex, it's rather likely that he's not." Flyzik butted in with the words that caught my breath in my throat as I struggled to think past this.

I was still a little star struck and overly enthralled with Flyzik's melodramatic fantasies and theories; they did seem awfully unbelievable and somewhat ridiculous, but by now I was clinging on to whatever I could, because by now I was clinging on fucking dear life.

"So he's alive?" I exclaimed, a little too excitedly perhaps, causing Cassadee to release a weighted sigh. I knew how she felt about this and I desperately wanted to respect that, but I let my brewing insanity prioritise itself, because otherwise, I think without Alex, I would end up exactly like him.

Alone.

Loneliness is what drives true insanity and I slowly come to realise that this is what's driven him to the deaths of six and the events with me. Loneliness alone, but the thing with loneliness is that it gets addictive and you need it sometimes, and with some people you just can't lose, perhaps you have to lose yourself instead.

"We would hope so, yes, but as I've said, he's Alex, none of us really have a fucking clue." He finished his words off with a light-hearted chuckle that perhaps didn't quite receive the response he expected. "Okay, okay, we're going to try to figure this out though." He quickly recovered the gone aside causalities of his too light-hearted words.

"So if he's not dead, why the hell did he leave Jack alone with no explanation par an apology written in his own blood and an empty medicine cabinet?" Cassadee exclaimed, her pissed off gestures made with no effort to hide her resentment towards Flyzik.

"Yes, that's exactly what we're trying to figure out here." Flyzik added with an over exaggerated smile, formed as if he was talking to a kid and trying to hide in just how fed up he was with their never ending stupidities and general incompetence.

"So really you're just as clueless as we are." She let out a sigh, rolling her eyes and getting up. "I'm going to make lunch if you want to stay for it, just please don't fuck him up anymore." She directed her words in his direction, speaking about me as if I wasn't here.

Perhaps I would have cared if Alex were here. He wasn't.

"Giving up?" Flyzik raised his eyebrows, biting back what appeared to be the beginnings of a smirk.

"Realistic thinking." Cassadee answered with an eye roll released in full swing.

"I'd say pessimistic, honestly, but the line between the two is often very blurred." She shook her head at that, clearly more than a little pissed off with Flyzik by now. As she got up and made her way to the door, Flyzik added, "and yes, I'll be staying for lunch," perhaps just to take the piss.

She stopped for a moment, looking as if she was honestly rather close to slapping him across the face, but quite thankfully for all our sakes, she held it in and simply settled for slamming the door shut behind her.

I'd say perhaps this didn't turn out quite so thankfully for the door, though.

"Period?" Flyzik smirked, eyebrows raised as he gestured towards the slammed door.

"Dude..." My eyes widened, knowing even with my relatively incompetent knowledge of the female species, that period jokes were not a good way to go. "She's just... a little freaked out by you, I guess... I don't know."

"Yeah, I tend to have that effect on people - generally, it's rather amusing." He commented, his words utterly devoid of compassion, leaving me with quite a good idea of how he'd both managed to relate to and befriend Alex. I'd like to say I was jealous, but jealousy was utterly useless to me right now.

"So, do you actually have any idea at all as to how we're supposed to handle this?" I asked, honestly doubting he'd have anything to say at all, but holding onto my hopes for the sake of faked sanity itself. Because if you could fake it, you could make it... or you could drive yourself utterly mad trying, but either was good.

"It wasn't spontaneous - I know that." He began, clearing his throat a little to push back the raspiness with which his words habited themselves, "he'd been planning this... whatever he's done here for a while. He bulk bought a lot of those pills from me a few days before. I was reluctant to sell him that many, but you know, he's Alex, and I needed the money." He explained himself, his eyes drifting down in a clear sign of self-disappointment; I however wasn’t feeling particularly angry or sympathetic towards him.

I just wasn't feeling anything at all.

"What kind of pills were they?" My eyes widened, the possibility that Alex had been planning this for a while, let alone elaborately, never even crossing my mind. Then again, I'd never wanted it to, and that just went forward to highlight the terrible bias us humans and our emotions brought to things.

"Lots of well... pretty much everything. Mainly sedatives though, he does like his sedatives. A few recreational ones as well though - that surprised me. Alex doesn't do that shit." Flyzik shook his head a little as he recounted the experience, and his eyes hadn't met mine for about minute now.

"So what the hell do you imagine he's doing with all these pills?" I asked, doubting that he would at all have any kind of answer, but of course that was in no way going to prevent me from trying.

"If he's not clever, getting at least four centuries in prison for the amount of shit he's got in possession." Flyzik rolled his eyes and shaking his head a little as I tried my best not to imagine Alex being stuck behind bars for the rest of his life, leaving me destined never to see him again.

"He's Alex, though." I added the most obvious statement I possibly could, because well damn, I just kind of fucking felt like it.

He was clever - to get himself behind bars would never happen.

"Your unbreakable faith in him scares me a little sometimes, you know." Flyzik raised his eyebrows at me a little, but nodding in acceptance of my words nonetheless.

"Mmm..." I nodded, biting down on my lip a little, wondering whether to let the next few words slip or not - eventually, I did. "Sometimes it scares me too."

I Sit Awake And Wait Impatiently; The Same Mistakes Are Waiting To Be Made.

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