Day Thirty. Jack - 18:24

"You don't love me, Jack. No one fucking loves me, not Rian, not you, no one." Zack snarls in my direction, the familiar look in his eyes long gone and replaced with a maniacal one that really seems so alien upon Zack's memorably innocent face - he's fucked up to say the least but today all of us are fucked up and there's very little anyone can do about that at all.

"I care about you, Zack-" I began and he steps forward from the doorway to face me, a menacing look igniting in his eyes.

"Spit out the shit, Barakat." He snapped, rolling his eyes away like any hopes I had of getting on his apparently none existent good side, because this was all so fucking ironic to see Zack call Alex a monster and then turn into such a ferocious monster that Alex is made to look like a fucking puppy.

"I love Alex, you know that." The words came out as barely more than a mumble, their only purpose served to provide Zack with answers he already knew too well, and he hated that. I knew he hated that. He hated Alex, just because I loved him.

I didn't understand how Zack could possibly imagine that he'd have the rights to emotions like this; after all, he'd broken my heart in the first place. I guess he didn't like the idea that it had been Alex, not himself, who'd been the one to fix it, but in my defence I couldn't wait forever with a broken heart, and Alex came disguised as a monster with a heart made of stone, so how was I to know just how hard I was going to fall for him?

"Alex is fucking dead." He yelled at me, stepping forward and causing me to shudder back into the wall in the childish hope that it, that anything may protect me from whatever Zack was planning upon next.

Quite honestly, now he scared me and that was something I'd never thought I'd say. I barely even knew this Rian guy he'd mentioned earlier, but I knew that he must have loved him, because god this Rian guy fucked him up real bad here, and that was becoming increasingly evident, because this wasn't the Zack I knew, this wasn't the Zack I knew at all and I hated that things had to turn out like this after all.

"He's not." I continued, not even believing in my own words by now, which was slowly destroying me too, leaving the both of us in an utter state of fakery.

"You're far too sure of this, Jacky." And that was the one thing he couldn't say, he just couldn't' call me Jacky, he couldn't do this to me - I wouldn't let him. I would not let him at all.

"Don't call me that!" My timid mumble grew a mane as it transformed into a lion's roar. "Don't you dare, fucking call me that."

"That was his little nickname for you, wasn't it?" Zack rolled his eyes, a smirk twitching at his lips. "Pathetic, don't you think? Why would he make you love him and trust him so much just for him to let you down in the end, just for him to be dead in the end? He's an utter asshole in my opinion. A Rian kind of asshole. I know how it feels Jack, just listen to me."

"Let me fucking leave." I snapped in response, his words meaning nothing to me - Alex had trained me for this, because emotions had uses sometimes of course, but in others they were useless and now being one of them.

If I were the same Jack from a month ago then surely I would have fallen right under Zack's spell. A month ago I would have fallen right under anybody's spell. You couldn't blame me though, I was naive and stupid. I hadn't a clue as to what the real world was like, not really.

"Not a chance - I'm keeping you safe here." Zack lied like he meant it, and that was how I found myself more in fear of my old high school crush than the psychotic serial killer I liked to call my boyfriend.

"But Alex-" I made one last attempt to try and convince Zack that I didn't care for him in that way, and that my heart lay firmly in Alex's hands, but it was clear that he was stubborn and that he absolutely wasn't having any of it.

"Alex is dead." He let out a weighted sigh. "Honestly, Jack, I don't want to say it, but I honestly am beginning to think that he's driven you insane too."

I gave up then - I wasn't quite that stupid. I simply left Zack with a blank expression before I turned away and put my trust in Alex, I put my trust in Flyzik and Cass, because they care and they'd notice I was gone. This was different to when Alex took me - my family didn't care, but when Zack too me, my new family, consisting of a drug dealer, a kind hearted office girl with a strong maternal flair, and my boyfriend, Alex Gaskarth, the serial killer. My new family, they care.

And with my hopes put into the three people in the word that I'd ever cared for the most, there was nothing left for me than to beg that Zack, that the whole world, was lying to me. I begged for Alex not to be dead.

I begged with all I had left inside me. I begged with all that Zack hadn't taken away from me - I begged with my hope, my love, and my trust.

-

Alex. 22:18

What I've been is, quite simply, a coward.

I never quite made it down to the police station; I couldn't even do that, god I'm pathetic and the urge to kill someone is stronger than ever before.

I think for Jack I'm still here but I know that's a lie, because the only reason I made my way out of the rut we were stuck in and down to the authorities was for Jack.

All I did was for Jack.

I was prepared for what I thought I'd face when I got there: the police, the interrogations, the arrest, the imprisonment, and the fact that I'd never see Jack never again, but what I didn't account for was what really made this all happened.

As I approached the police station, my head hung low, I saw someone I thought I'd never see again, and someone I quite frankly didn't want to.

-

Alex. Flashback - Day Twenty Six.

The police station was nearing in step with my fate and by now, from the walk across town I was ready for this - I was ready for my own justice and god I was even beginning to get comfortable with the idea.

It was kind of easy really - all I had to do was remind myself why I was doing this, all I had to do was remind myself who I was doing this for - Jack. All of it, everything had always and would always be for him. I guess that's just the way my life had to be.

He'd brought them back - the emotions in their masses and god I couldn't leave him to rot away in our shared insanity. He reminded me of myself when I had a shot at life, and this time I could let that slip away, and quite I honestly I just wasn't going to let myself.

"Alex?" My heart stopped in my chest at the call of my own name. I felt like freezing right there on the spot and pretending I either hadn't heard or that my identity was one of another, but with the sound of quickened footsteps my instincts forced me to turn and face the one who my name had slipped from the lips of.

"Dude, hey! I haven't seen you in a while, about a month, isn't it by now?" I forced a smile as the man came to stand beside me, just across the street from the police station leaving me stuck horribly in the quicksand like reality that I couldn't make it even for Jack's sake.

"Yeah, Joe." I bit my lip, my gaze prolonged on its ascent, as I didn't particularly want to find myself face to face with Joe Barakat, especially not in the circumstance, especially not when my heart ached with guilt for his brother and just what I'd put the both of them through. "About a month."

"It's a shame you couldn't make it to that party, hey..." Joe let out a sigh, our minds now sharing the same subject, I assumed.

"I'm sorry about Jack." I didn't have to lie anymore, because I was sorry, for the first time in my life I was truly sorry and it was of course entirely Jack Barakat's fault. After all, no one else in the world was quite like Jack. Even Joe, being his closest blood relation didn't even come close. "I hope he comes back to you."

"Yeah," he puled his lips into what I could easily tell was a false smile. Fuck, this was a sorrow I'd caused and one I had to put right immediately, god if only, god if only I could just get to that police station across the road and then this could all be put right. "We just gotta hope he comes back alive..."

I could blurt it out to him right now, and then I'm sure he'd take matters into his own hands and drag me across to the police station on his own accord, but I doubted he'd believe me, considering this 'friendship' we shared, and then with the sad look he held what seemed to be permanently in his eyes, I just couldn't do it. I couldn't watch him break right in front of me, because Jack cared about his brother even if he didn't do a good job of showing it and now I didn't want to do anything that would even remotely hurt Jack at all.

"Don't worry," I heaved out a sigh, my stomach flipping around inside me, "I've got a good feeling about this, you know, Jack was always never swayed by people. I hate to admit it, but I've seen people bully him before I knew either of you, and he didn't care, he was always so strong about, and whoever this asshole who's done whatever he's done to him, I know that somehow Jack is going to bring them right down to justice."

"Alex, I'm glad someone cares so much about him, god, it feels like most people are just pretending to give a damn because it's the 'polite' thing to do, but I'm so pissed off with that, I don't care about polite I just want my brother back and I want someone to give the slightest of a damn." He exclaimed, his eyes travelling elsewhere. "He really needs the both of us. I've been praying for him every night, do you want to pray with me or something?"

"I didn't know you were Christian..." I trailed off as I slowly came to realise just how loss affected humans, just how loss affected people that I cared about.

"God's my only hope now, isn't he?" He let out a dark chuckle.

"I think Jack's strong enough without any kind of religious shit." I admitted, guessing I'd offend him just a little with that statement, but I guessed that it wouldn't be that bad if he got pissed off because then, perhaps he'd leave me alone and then I could make my way to the police station in search of the justice that Jack really deserved.

"Don't ever give up, okay, don't ever let him go, even if he survives, because I think that's when he'll need us, and he'll need you the most. Please don't be like the rest and stop giving a fuck about him, and leave him when the storm blows over."

"I won't." I smiled. "I promise."

-

Day Thirty. Alex - 22:32

I couldn't do it after that, I couldn't go in, because Joe's words had meant a lot more than I had imagined them to, because he hadn't just told me to do the right thing for Jack, he'd told me never to let him go, never to leave him.

I'd promised him I'd never leave Jack alone, and now was when I came to realise just what I was doing here, just how I'd fucked so much up without realising.

Perhaps I did need emotions after all.

I overestimated this head of mine far too often. I didn't just work like magic, I couldn't just work like magic and I had to accept that I was as much human as anybody else was, and most of all I had to accept these emotions, these feelings and I had to go back to Jack.

I considered making my way back across town and away from the little homeless shelter I was frequently the edges of, but I hadn't a clue that Jack would still be in that damn house of mine, and I could make him wait any longer, so I guessed I had to do something stupid, that I told myself I wouldn't do after I let that house.

I brought my mobile, and I brought it for emergencies only, not to get cold feet and call Alex, and let myself fall back into rut, to cling onto him and never let go, but now it came to me that the source of our problems wasn't how I could never let go, it was how I could never hold on tight enough in the first place.

I didn't bring people down with me, I let them slip from my grasp and by the oddest of circumstances it took me Joe Barakat's unintentionally painfully meaningful words to remind me of that.

I remembered how Jack reminded me of myself when I still had a chance, and I remembered just how lost I was, just how alone, and all that I wanted, all that I needed was a hand to hold, and I knew more than anything I'd ever known before that I just wasn't going to let Jack fall victim to the same fate.

I pulled my phone out and I pressed down the power button, watching the life, hope, and love spark back into me as it did into the cellular device. It was kind of ridiculous really, how all it took to get me seeing straight again was the Barakat brothers and a cell phone I barely used.

Before I could even unlock the phone I felt it vibrate in my grasp and the call screen appearing on the display. It wasn't Jack though; the name displayed on the caller I.D. was Flyzik's. I guess he'd noticed my disappearance too. I just would have hoped it to be Jack's voice I heard first.

"Alex?" He practically screamed down the line as I picked up, and I put the phone against my ear despite the fact I could hear him regardless due to the tone of voice he'd chosen to use.

"Flyzik...?" I responded, not having prepared for the fact that anyone besides Jack would have missed me at all.

I mean, Flyzik wasn't one of the most likely suspects for care and worry, being a drug dealer and black market smuggler who had taken just a little bit of a disliking towards me in the recent past, which I must admit was mainly to do with just how much I was fucking up Jack, and just how much I couldn't see that.

I guess that somehow he could.

"You're fucking alive, dude what the fuck man? What the actual fuck have you done? Where the actual fuck have you been? You fucking asshole do you not even know how fucking worried we've all been, everyone thought you were fucking dead, you absolute dick. Give me a fucking explanation and be fucking glad this conversation isn't in person so I can't just slap you right across the face and perhaps aim a punch to your eye, and one to your balls, and everywhere else. I could fucking knock you out right now, you fuckwit, tell me what the fuck's going on!"

"I would have if you'd given me a moment to speak-" He cut off my sarcastic remark before I could finish, which I must say was just a little disheartening, considering that remark was something I had grown to be awfully proud of.

"Shut the fuck up Gaskarth, I don't have time for your bullshit right now, you understand me?" He continued in his ear-splitting tone of voice and I decided it was probably best to cut back the sarcastic remarks, if only for the sake of my own eardrums.

"I was going to hand myself in... To the police, I was going to go down to the police station and tell them who I am and what I've done-" I began to explain only to be cut off by another screaming outburst from a particularly pissed off Flyzik.

"Why the fuck would you do that? Who the fuck do you think you are? Fucking Jesus? You're just a sadistic little fuck who needs to calm the fuck down and assess the situation as if they weren't on some sort of artificial dickhead pedestal."

"Just let me speak, please. I just saw what I was doing to Jack and just how in love with me he was, and he how much he just couldn't be, because god I was fucking him up and no matter how horrible I was to him, he just wouldn't listen, and the only way I could give him a chance, the only way I could give him a chance at a life I never got was by forcefully removing myself from his life. I care more about Jack's chance at a decent life more than how much I need him."

"Well that sounds sufficiently sappy and love sickening, but please you absolute asshole tell me where you and Jack are?"

"Me and Jack?" Wait, what? What the fuck was going on here.

"He went out the other day, presumably to look for you, well that's what I think happened, he said he knew what he was doing. He just didn't tell us that he was looking for you, because Cassadee was there and she was convinced that you're dead, but god- fuck!"

"Dude what?" I exclaimed, thoughts running through my head like hell, because all I'd done by getting away was put Jack in more danger.

"He didn't go out to look for you at all..." And for the first time Flyzik's voice grew incredibly quite, and for first time I wanted him to yell again, because I couldn't handle this silence and this heartache, not at all.

"What the fuck has happened?" I yelled just to fill the silence.

"He thought you killed yourself, you know, and I'm scared, I'm just so scared, that he's gone off to do the same..."

You're Cold With Disappointment While I'm Drowning In The Next Room. The Last Contagious Victim Of This Plague Between Us. I'm Sick With Apprehension, I'm Crippled From Exhaustion And I Dread The Moment When You Finally Come To Kill Me

Hey guys:) I hoped you enjoyed this chapter and the return of Alex, who isn't actually dead like dude, you all thought he was that was kind of amusing actually;) Shh I'm joking;) I'd love to see your votes and comments - I love you all<3