Jack. Day Ten - 16:43

"Jacky." He whispered, his words far too soothing for my sanity's liking, but then again, I should really be used to it by now, because Alex basically contradicts anything under the sun that can be described using the term 'sane'. "I really am very, very sorry." He ran his fingers through my hair, gently twisting my head to face his. I just shook my head at him, because if there's one thing I know for certain, it's that he is not sorry, he's not sorry at all. He's Alex; he doesn't do sorry. I learned that on Day One.

"I love you." I do wish he'd stop trying, but Alex is far too egotistical to be anything but relentless in his actions, even if they are clearly quite hopeless. Alex is just a persistent, if not mildly psychopathic guy, who every so often reminds me that he can and one day will murder me. When my light goes out, no matter how soon or how late into my future, I know it'll be Alex that puts it out; he's going to make sure of that.

"No, no you don't." Those had been the only four words I'd said to him within the last twenty four hours, and I'd been sure to make sure they were the right ones, and judging by the panicked expression upon his face, they'd had the desired effect. I wanted him to realise that he wasn't just in control, and that I was a person too; not that he was the best example of a civilised person, but then again, neither was I.

"Jacky." He pleaded, his voice coming out in a pathetically desperate tone. He didn't care and I simply had the pleasure of watching him fake it, because Alex didn't have the ability to care; he was a psychopath - it wasn't his fault, well not entirely anyway, he was just born like that. Or at least that's what I'd gathered so far. Reading Alex was proving unfortunately and predictably difficult, but then again, I think it was the challenge that made it just about worthwhile.

"Don't try and sweet talk me into anything, Alex." I spat his name with the most verbal poison I could muster, expressing my true and quickly growing hatred for the guy as best as I could. "You know what you did." And he did. I hope the thought runs through his stupid head every single day, and I hope, I hope he shivers as the guilt runs after it in a prolonged and eternal wild goose chase.

"It was a mistake-"

"A mistake that happened twice?" Mistakes don't happen twice; even Alex knows that. It wasn't a mistake; we both know that. It just hurts to know that someone so fucking special as Alex could do something so cruel and barbaric as that - sometimes I have to remind myself who he really is: a cold blooded murder.

"Yeah, Jacky. I'm sorry." He looked awfully innocent, and part of me wanted to forgive him, but that part of me was weak, and that part of me wasn't the part of me that had kept me alive over the past ten days; the part that didn't believe him had. I had to survive, and that's all that mattered: survival was of the essence.

"Yeah, that's all well and good," his eyes lit up like those of a small child, because he thought I was going to forgive him, he thought he was going to win that easily, he thought I was going to let him, but no, things just don't happen like that anymore, and that's his fault entirely, because I forgave him before, but never again will I. "All well and good, besides the fact that mistakes don't happen twice."

"But Jacky, this one did-" He should really stop trying and admit that he's a filthy liar. The both of us know that this isn't going to get him anywhere, and yet he persists upon still trying; Alex is weird, sometimes- in fact, he's weird quite a lot.

"No it didn't. It happened twice, and therefore it isn't a mistake." I was firm, and maybe a little harsh, but with someone as manipulative as Alex, well, I had to be, unless I wanted every word that left my mouth to be slowly crushed under his presence. I had to let him know that I wasn't just a hurdle to be stepped over; I was important, perhaps even more important than him in the eyes of the law.

"Jacky, please let me make it up to you." I scoffed; he could try, but I doubted he'd get very far, because he was Alex and he just didn't know, in fact, he didn't have a fucking clue as to how humans and their stupid little empathetic brains worked.

"And how are you planning to do something like that?" I queried, actually rather intrigued as to how the fuck he was thinking of pulling something as impossible as this off. If he wasn't Alex, then maybe I would have doubted him more, but unfortunately this was Alex and therefore it wasn't entirely that impossible for him to pull the impossible off.

"I don't know..." His voice trailed off, and his eyes drifted away; he was thinking - oh shit. "But, I'll think of something, and I'll make it special." He untangled himself from where he was sat, practically on top of me on a bed in a random room I'd never been in. He insisted that I had to be comfortable, which okay, maybe I wasn't entirely complaining about if it meant he got rid of the chains.

"I love you, Jacky. Okay?" I didn't respond, and pulled away as he leant down to press a kiss to my forehead, and then, of course I should have known - cue the big sad eyes. I let him kiss me though; I didn't know why, I just think I didn't even care that much anymore.

"Cut it out. You know what you did." I snapped at him, my voice filled with everything but sympathy; my tune had changed entirely, from a lovesick sad song to a punk rock anthem of teenage angst and pent up anger regarding menial things and several school teachers.

"I'll make it up to you - I promise."

That promise was broken when I heard the sound of a key turning in the lock as he closed the door behind him, because Alex didn't trust me, Alex didn't love me, not at all and not ever.

-Flashback-

The tears didn't stop; they hadn't stopped for the last twenty minutes. My face was a tear stained wreck of stained red cheeks and droplets of salty liquid, and it was all because of him.

My whole body felt as if it was collapsing in upon itself, every bone, every muscle, every nerve shaking like crazy, only one thought pulsating throughout every cell - Alex Gaskarth is a liar.

He'd left me here for nearly an hour now, and in no way had my situation improved in anyway whatsoever, but at the very least he hadn't come in to watch me suffer, yet. I hope that would make him happy; seeing the tears run down my cheeks, seeing my body squirm in pain, seeing the glare I shot him the one time I managed to muster up the strength to glance up at him. I hoped it all made him happy; I hoped he was happy because he caused this all. There was no way around that fact, no way at all, and no matter how he tried to weasel his arrogant little head out of it, it simply wasn't adequate - it was his fault and his fault entirely.

"Enjoying yourself? Are you, Jacky?" Looks like I spoke too soon. I listened to the sound of footsteps on marble as he walked over to stand in front of me. "Little disobedient whores aren't supposed to be enjoying themselves. Maybe I'll have to spice things up a little." He put one icy cold finger beneath my chin, and pulled my head up to make eye contact with his. It simply hurt to know just how much he liked to be in control; he was utterly psychopathic and if that wasn't disturbing enough, he had disturbing and somewhat provocative tendencies.

"I wasn't disobedient." I choked out between tears and embarrassing voice cracks, however I wondered if I could ever count anything else as embarrassing ever again, seeing as I was now sat here in barely any clothing, struggling not to pass out from sheer sexual frustration. He didn't even try to make his downwards glances discreet; he liked to see me turned on, and he wasn't ashamed for that fact to be well known. "I did everything you asked, you lied-" He wouldn't even let me finish my sentence; that's the amount of control he needed to have to keep his schizoidic tendencies satisfied.

"Little whores like you should learn to keep their mouths shut, you know?" He ran a finger across my lips, stopping at the middle and pressing the tip of his finger to them in a shush sign. I felt like a small child, helpless and powerless, and it hurt even more when I realised that this was no mistake; this was exactly how he wanted me to feel, because I was no use to him within the grasps of sanity, of course. "Do I need to teach you another lesson-?"

"Please-" My words were cut off by the sobs that came out all at once, and then without any agreement from me, tears were streaming down my cheeks. He just stared, mouth agape as if he'd never seen real human tears before. He caught them half way down my cheeks with his fingertips, and looked back up at me with those big sad eyes again. I wondered what the fuck he was playing at this time, I was growing rather tired of these fucking sadistic ploys to get me to trust him and then instantly shatter that trust. I think he liked the look in my eyes, I think he liked the sadness; I think he liked the pain.

"Jacky- W-Why are you crying?" He almost struggled to get the words out, stuttering over the first few syllables; this was actually beginning to become somewhat hilarious to watch, because he really was a pathetic being to think he could just lie and manipulate his way through life, because so enough it'd stop working, and that soon enough turned out to be now.

"Why do you think?" I spat at him with all the venom I could muster. He just looked at me rather blankly, and I began to consider whether this was one of his tricks again, but I ended up explaining myself to him, regardless of what his motives behind it could possibly be. "You raped me, again. And now, now you leave me like this!" I gestured downwards, towards the rather apparent problem. "Do you even know how much it damn well hurts?" My voice broke as I raised it in desperation; I just couldn't even express as to how much I hated him - he wasn't even human, well not anymore anyway. He was a monster.

He wouldn't stop staring to the point it was beginning to creep me out; those two big brown, inquisitive eyes open mine and never leaving. "I didn't mean to hurt you." Lies. Lies. Lies. Alex was horribly good at lying.

"Yeah, of course you didn't." I snapped at him, the sarcasm being the arrow, and my words the bow. The shot was fired; I just hope he took the blow.

"Jacky, please I didn't. It was turning me on, so I thought it was turning you on too." I almost scoffed at his ridiculously excuse for an apology. Isn't that what all assaulters say? Isn't that the same lie you here every time? Yes, yes it is. Really now, I'm almost disappointed; I would have thought Alex would have had just a tad more originality, but you never know, do you?

"It was only turning you on because you have a fucking sadistic and rather disgusting god complex." I fired the words straight at him, with very little regard for consequence.

"I'm sorry - look I'll get you untied and into somewhere more comfortable. There are loads of rooms in this house, and I could take care of that for you-"

"I can sort it out for myself, thank you very much."

-Flashback Ends-

Jack. 17:12

I almost found myself dreading the click of that door being unlocked and the use of his stupid pet name for me that would shortly follow, and then, I'd finally be introduced to this devious forgiveness plan of his, which would most likely only manage to fuck things up even further, and I knew this far too well, because this was how it happened this time, and only then did I realise that Alex did really lack originality, and much more so than I'd originally thought. Wasn't that just intriguing?

Alex just didn't seem to get it; humans, and our emotions were foreign to him. It was like he'd barely even been exposed to human society, but then again, there was his exceptional intelligence and his ability to successfully murder and kidnap six people without any police suspicion or investigation. Alex was just confusing; Alex wasn't like anyone I'd ever met before, in both good and bad ways, believe it or not.

It was nice to have a bit of originality, or so I thought.

"Jacky." The lock turned, sending a shiver down my spine. Fuck. I shuffled back along the bed to the wall, distancing myself from Alex as much as possible. "I've got your surprise." Shit. I was expecting the worst; I was expecting torture, more of what had happened a day ago, chains, or something equally taboo that of course he'd take far too much pleasure in, but when the door opened and I saw what was in his arms, it was quite possibly the thing I'd been least expecting.

In his hands was a laptop. Just a normal laptop, no consequences or side effects or anything else, it was just a laptop; a new laptop that I presumed was mine. Had he actually gone mad?

He placed it down on the bed, turning it on and crawling on beside it. "Do you like it?" I wasn't quite sure what to think. Nothing made sense, which of course, made me initially suspicious towards Alex's intentions, because nothing, nothing at all was ever simple with him. He patted the bed next to him and in front of the now booting up laptop, gesturing for me to come down and join him. I wasn't exactly that keen upon shuffling down on a bed near to someone like him, especially with the fact that this was a bed.

"Jacky?" He looked at me with those wide glassy eyes again, and despite the fact that I was reluctant to shuffle down from where I was safely situated with my back pressed against the wall, I swallowed my gut instinct and shuffled down to where he was sat, mainly because I had come to be just a little scared of him, especially now I hadn't a clue as to what the fuck he was planning to do now, and believe me, Alex was always at his worst when his actions and true intent remained hidden.

I watched as the laptop started up, and began to realise just how much I'd missed my own laptop back at home, which in turn then led to my suspicion that Alex had sensed that somehow, and this gift was something more than simply out of the kindness of his own heart. I began to even wonder if he had a heart, well I knew that blood was pumped throughout his veins, but a metaphorical heart, a heart in the sense that humans have one. Emotions. They were a weird concept; a particular concept that flew straight past Alex, and one that I still had to entirely get my head around. Human emotions are just so powerful, like, fuck!

"Why did you get me this?" I asked him. It was a genuine question, because I genuinely had no idea whatsoever. I wanted to know, desperately in fact, I just came to very much doubt that he'd let me know his true intent, because this was Alex, after all - I wasn't stupid enough to not have a clue as to what went on in that dysfunctional mind of his.

"Do you not like it?" He glared at me through suddenly angery eyes, and I felt myself panicking instantly, and I was fighting the urge to shuffle back and as far away from Alex as I could possibly manage to get, but I doubted that he'd approve of that idea very much.

"No, I'm just confused." I replied, hoping he wouldn't quite pick up upon my true and not very well hidden emotions.

"Oh."

"I thought you would have meant more of what had happened before-" I began, but I soon found myself interrupted by another useless and meaningful attempt at self-defence upon his part. Alex was awfully pathetic at times.

"Jacky, I would never!" I almost laughed aloud, but I stopped myself with the sudden rush of sanity like a litre of blood flowing to my head.

"Twice." I reminded him, hating how often I found myself almost required to do this in order to keep his head on the right way, "twice." He did look awfully disappointed though, which did make me feel more than a little guilty. I think maybe, he was just a little bit sorry, only if he was just a little, but I think it was the thought that mattered after all.

"Honestly, the second time at least, I just got so pumped up- shit. I didn't mean to hurt you." He looked me in the eyes, "and now I've messed things up and god-" He was a wreck and I didn't know what to do, what to say, how to help, fuck- Alex was important, I couldn't deny that, out of all things.

"Alex, it's okay." I placed an arm around his shoulders- god, what was I doing? What was I saying? What the bloody hell could possibly be running through my mind right now, I just fucking didn't have a clue - everything was a just a mess, but when was it not? Really, I should be used to this kind of shit by now.

"It isn't." He simply replied, his gaze away from mine as his tone devoid of all emotion in a terribly 'Alex' way.

"No, Alex." I inhaled far too much air at once and nearly choked on it. "I know what you did was horrible and unacceptable, but I want to try to make this better-" What, what was I even saying? Fuck, I didn't know at all, it just kind of felt, I don't know... right? No, it couldn't, but apparently it could, because fuck, it was, and it was weird as heck. It just didn't fit, nothing seemed to fit anymore in this insanity breached world and I think that was something I'd just have to suck up and get used to.

"You're going to forgive me?" His eyes lit up in a manner that reminded me of a small child. Fuck, was I? I didn't even know.

"Not exactly, because I don't think I can, but I'm going to try and make an effort to fix things, but only if you do too." I looked him sternly in the eye. "Are you going to try?" It only mattered if he would try, because if he didn't everything just would be shit, nothing would matter and we'd know. He just had to try, he just had to.

"Yeah, Jacky. I'm going to try." He pressed his lips against mine and I let him. It wasn't anything significant, just a short chaste kiss, but I think it was the most important kiss we've ever shared, because I think that just maybe, it was the only kiss that really meant something for both of us.

-

"This laptop?" He stopped snuggling me excessively to listen to what I was saying. "Is it really mine, I mean like internet and shit... you're going to let me use that?" I still couldn't quite wrap my head around the concept of Alex simply handing me this amount of freedom - it just was weird and horribly un-Alex-like.

"I'll be looking at your history, but yeah." He grinned at me, and quite frankly I wasn't sure if I quite believed it, but I was going to take it as it came. If he was going to say I'd have internet, then fuck it, I'd have internet.

"There'll be rules, won't there?" I didn't even need to ask to know his answer, because Alex was one hell of a control freak - that was for certain.

He nodded, "yeah. But these aren't to punish you; these are for both of our own good, okay?" I sort of didn't know if I did exactly believe him, but I just took it as it came, not at all caring that much for later consequences, I just wanted, I just wanted this tiny little stretch of freedom, even if it would only last  a day, an hour, a minute, or fuck, even a second. That tiny proportion of time would matter, because in that proportion of time I could just wash this all away and pretend that I was free again, and that someone like Alex simply wasn't an issue in a life as oddly simple as mine.

"Yeah, I understand." I nodded, just a little bit too eager to get online again. I didn't even know what I'd do. Maybe I'd just browse YouTube endlessly or something else utterly menial like that. It didn't even matter just how menial it was, it just mattered that it was freedom and in that one single moment, nothing could change, because really, I'd missed freedom and I'd missed it one hell of a lot.

"Good." He grinned at me, pressing a kiss to my forehead. "Don't go on Facebook or anything like that, because I don't want you talking to people you knew before." I was disappointed, but what he was saying made sense. "It'll be suspicious and messy. The police can trace internet signals, so make sure when you use this computer," he looked me directly in the eye, "your name isn't Jack Barakat, you aren't even Jacky. Use a different but consistent identity, be someone else."

I nodded, slowly taking in every word he uttered in my direction and letting it slowly imprint itself upon my memory, because for once, this was important, and not even vaguely, this was truly important at that. "I understand." I smiled at him; showing some enthusiasm was never a bad sign.

"I don't want you looking at porn, unless it's with me." He winked at me, and I couldn't help but let my cheeks flush a bright scarlet as I came to the realisation that he probably wasn't even joking, because fuck this was Alex, and I would presume that someone like him would definitely like his porn. "And basically don't do anything stupid or that'll get either of us exposed, other than that you're free to play online Flappy Bird or whatever the hell you want to."

"Thank you, Alex." I whispered into his shoulder as I embraced him in a close hug, making an extra effort to hold him extra tightly, because I wanted to show him, I wanted to let him know that this mattered, and most of all that we mattered.

"No, thank you, Jacky." I raised my eyebrows; confused regarding the intent of his statement, but then again, Alex was good at that - being a cryptic little shit and other irritating like things like that.

"What for?" I couldn't help but ask, because curiosity would always get the better of me, and that was for certain. I just don't think I was at all suspecting the answer I would receive.

"Being you."

Dressed Up As Myself, To Live In The Shadow, Of Who I'm Supposed To Be.

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