I am a perfectionist yet a realist. This combination could potential cause a lot of problems, and believe me, it does. My perfectionist tendency actually is one of the biggest factors in my overflowing negativity.

I seek a world of perfection. I am past the point of knowing that this way of thinking is futile because the world will never be perfect. However, my expectations are set at a level of perfection, as if I have a set of blueprints deep inside my subconscious that immediately assess everything, it sees to the copy of perfection I have inside my mind. It is for this reason that when I see a something, good or not, my mind automatically focuses on the aspects it’s missing, the negative.

Seeing the negative in everything, thinking of the worst possible scenarios, being cautiously suspicious of everything… years of this will make you quite the realist. There is just hardly any space for idealism.

Being a realist also brings about it's whole own perspective, and for the record, can make you quite...Umm.. depressed at times. My expectations of perfection and the realism I observe in the world are often so far from each other that it brings about so much inner turmoil and it makes me feel stupid, confused, upset, powerless and useless. Sometimes ignorance is bliss, but you can’t help knowing the things you do...

Often I find myself wishing I never was born. Yes, way a lot. I obviously had no choice in the matter, and since I’m already alive and I value the existence of life (though it may not seem so), I am forced to reconcile my resentment towards the world.

But now, I am growing up and experiencing more than I ever had before. All this new knowledge expands my mind but it also brings it’s own trails of despair. I know that as long as I keep living, there is time to get up and to try again. My goal right now is to find that purpose and motivation that is so lacking in my life.

If I don't, I’m sure I will make the same failures over again. Yet, I’m still at a level where I can rise up against my failures and repair the damage I had previously inflicted. That’s the only thing giving me hope for now when I am fighting alone.

It’s only in these brighter days that I can look back and see the darkness I was in before. But that doesn't mean I’m in the light. But I am in a marathon called life and unless I’m going to kill myself, (which I’m not) I still have a long way to go. So I’ve been gathering myself, trying to pull myself together to get ready for the next chapter in my life.

All this time, while I have given my heart and mind time to settle, to rest, I have gotten a tad bit more optimistic. I'm not deep down in the dungeons anymore but I can still feel the sting of pain when I think about the past. This sounds quite morbid but I forced micro punishments (a bit bigger than micros) upon myself. One example: I hate any form of physical activity and sweating, exercise, but I would force myself to exercise and run. Run until I was soaked in sweat, legs burning, lungs feeling like they were about to explode, feeling a pain worth crying over.

Because only in physical pain would I have a good reason to cry and feel sorry for myself or that what I literally I think of. It's just a simple example I've punishment myself way harder than that. It was that I had everything I could need: family and very counted friends who supported me, financial stability, 35% safety and comfortable home, the ability to achieve what I had set out to do.. yet society treatment and my lack of motivation let everything go down the drain and I lost the chance to pursue my dreams in the way that I had originally intended.

For quite possibly the first time ever, I was truly affected by what I was feeling (& still though). I avoided anything that I felt was similar to my situation because it would only remind me again. But at the same time, I gravitated towards sad, angsty, tragic books because it gave me an legitimate outlet to think while I pretended to not remember that I had failed in huge part of my life. I felt that it was pathetic for a failure like me to cry over something that I had let happen. I felt that I didn't deserve to feel sad over my failures because I was the one who brought it upon myself, it's always my fault. It’s hard to even put into words how horrible I felt inside! I felt like a waste of space, so worthless yet good for nothing. I felt deeply that it hurt to even think about it. I tried to block out my own mind and distract myself with anything that would prevent me from thinking. Books, anime, drawing, chatting, music etc. All day long, so that I would never have a silent moment to think about how worthless I was. I stay up until late morning or even not sleep at all because if I was not tired enough to pass out as soon as I hit my pillow, then I couldn't let myself lay down to have a still moment. Any moment that was silent, my mind would have a rampage, remind me of my failures and destroy me inside again and again.
I needed help but I never had that courage to ask for, I tried my best to secure myself but my body language showed conspicuous signs and my thinking was infected too.

Motivation, determination and purpose. With me, these are hard to come by. Rare occurrences. Yet from an outsider's view, I would most likely believe that I have achieved a decent amount for a person of my age and skill level. Most people that I come into contact with are impressed with where I am in life. Yet, I am unable to feel happy about anything I have achieved because I can only see the flaws in myself and my life. All that I have gained and worked for was achieved by what felt like dragging myself to keep the pace with societies standards.

Because of this fact, I have always felt tired. Mentally tired. But recently I felt entirely exhausted. So exhausted with everything, with life and my ego. I just wanted a break. To do nothing.

while I still had my own responsibilities and duties, I'm letting things slip. For brief relief, I'm letting myself to relax a little while hoping to get by and fulfill my responsibilities to the minimum, like always. But it haven't work this time and I am really having some serious failures. I am really disappointed in myself and everyone around me, who had been supporting me are disappointed as well. I felt worthless and disgusting. I'm wallowed in self pity, self hate, and disappointment for months. I cry every time I would even think about any of it, which was basically every 5 minutes. I shut myself off from the world. I don't want anyone to see me.

It’s quite normal for me to keep mostly to myself. If I had food (I forgot to eat sometimes), water and necessities I would rarely leave my room "on my own desire". Everything fits into a category. Inability to comprehend it doesn't change the reality of the situation, and my attempt to do so is how I make sense of the world. You might find it whimsical that I try to classify everything, I find it just as eccentric that you don't. That's because I think differently, and the way the differences in my thought processes are measured is throw categorization into cognitive types. Also I'm humble to spot my uniqueness over other people, not to offend anyone. your mind is a thing to be understood and properly maintained. Simply understanding it won't change how it performs, but it will change how you interact with it, improving your overall experience and helping you react better in emergency situations. Enough with rambling.