I got into the elevator and pressed the button for the topmost floor.

Yuki sunbae had invited me up to the terrace for a drink. According to him, it offered a brilliant view of the city, especially at sunset. So, I decided to enjoy this is-it-or-isn't-it-a-date situation with him to the best of my ability. Plus, I really needed to take my mind off Jungkook. I had tried to believe that all the things I felt in his presence (or absence) were just part of me becoming a fan of the band.

And sure, I admired them.

But with him, it was different. Since that day when he'd caught me sleeping behind the background, he'd taken to talking to me often whenever we shot together. It wasn't anything consequential - he'd review the shots sometimes, or ask about my health in the most non-suggestive-of-anything-more manner ever, and he'd taken to personally asking for me instead of sending a proxy whenever needed. It was all normal to him probably. But I was going a little crazy in my head. After all, I did spend an insane amount of time trying to catch him looking cute on camera as a part of my job.

But agh why did I have develop a crush on him of all the -

The elevator door opened and there he was, my living nightmare.

"Oh, hakseng! Didn't expect to see you today." He walked in and pressed the button for a lower floor.

"It's going up." I squeaked. But the elevator doors had already closed by then.

"Ah, it's okay. Are you okay though? You look stressed."

He looked at me with interest. I avoided staring back. He was probably out after a dance practice, or the gym, since he was sweaty all over. The jacket he wore over his vest was unzipped.

Of course I was stressed. All he needed to do was breathe in my presence these days, and I'd be stressed.

"I'm okay. Just bored. Where are you coming from?" I tried to change the topic.

"The gym. Oh, I must stink. Sorry!" He stepped away. I couldn't be sure if I felt relieved or disappointed at that.

He must have noticed the fresh bottle of water in my hand, for he asked, "can I have that bottle please?"
I gave it to him. His fingers brushed mine, for a moment. I didn't turn away as he drank it up. Water dripped from the corners of his mouth, down his neck - I tore my eyes away and told myself to have some basic decency. The elevator arrived at the topmost floor.

"You're really cool, hakseng. Thank you for this." he raised the now empty bottle to me. And then stepped out of the elevator, zipping up his jacket as he did so.

"You're welcome. But weren't you going downstairs?"

"I just remembered I have to make a call." We were now walking down the corridor that led to the stairs that eventually led to the terrace. He looked happy about something.

"The cell reception is terrible up here," I replied.

"Is it?" He asked with a worried expression. How does he not know, I wondered.

"Anyway," he added, "I owe you a bottle of water."

"Then I owe you a cooling pad and a balm."

He chuckled. "You sure do." He stopped at the vending machine. Every floor had one. "Do you want anything?"

Why did he have to be so nice when he was already so attractive and there was already nothing that I could do about it?
"Just a water bottle, thanks." He laughed at that, and I couldn't help but chuckle. Ah, shoot. This person would be very hard to get over. "Are you sure you don't want anything else?"

"No, I'm meeting a friend on the terrace - he's getting drinks already."

I thought his face fell for a moment. "You're not allowed to drink on the terrace, you know," he said with an air of seriousness.

"You're not allowed to drink that too." I pointed at the coke can in his hand with my eyes.

"How did you know?" He wore the same expression of bewilderment that he'd worn when he caught me behind the background. My heart skipped a beat before I replied, "that's why you're getting it from a vending machine up here rather than downstairs, aren't you?"

He blinked. "Is it that obvious?"

"No, I'm just really smart." I said with a straight face.

Wait, why did I say that? But he laughed. And I couldn't stop the smile playing on my lips either. My phone rang. Jungkook looked at my phone with an expression of pure betrayal. I rolled my eyes. My ringtone was View - a song by a rival company, and rival band. Yuki sunbae was on call. I had to go.

Ten minutes later, I was on the terrace. We were sitting on a concrete block that I assumed was the summit of a shaft, our feet dangling from its edge. I had a can of coke in my hand, but I was too shocked to drink it. I let the cold Seoul wind blow away some of my stress.

Yuki sunbae had called me ten minutes ago to cancel our plan. And then, Jungkook gave me a near heart attack by asking me if he could join me. I agreed automatically. I made a mental note to ask Ji Hyuk oppa if someone could be fired for drinking alone with a member.

So, here we were, watching the city light up as the sun went down.

"It's really pretty out here, isn't it?" he said. I looked at his face, and then back at the view. We were bathed in the orange glow of a setting sun.

"It is." I sighed. It really was. Even though the wind was cold, I felt warm on the inside.

"How's your song coming along?" I asked.

"Ah, I'm kinda stuck. It's quite frustrating." he gave a tiny laugh. I wished I could have hugged him then.

"It'll pass." I was advising myself as much as him. "I don't know anything about songwriting, but sometimes I just persistently shoot with the idea I have in my head, until I get my shot," I'd been looking in front as I talked, then I turned towards him and said, "If that doesn't work, I ask for help."

"I think I need to ask for help." He crossed his legs and sat to face me. "Help me."

"I-what?" Flustered, I imitated his pose and we sat facing each other.

"You know that I grew up - very differently from most people. School, friends, hang outs - all those things that you, and a lot of people possibly associate with growing up - I didn't have that. And I do miss it, you know. I'm grateful for all that I have - but sometimes I can't help but wonder -"

"-what it would have been like?"

"Exactly. That's what I want to write about. But I can't seem to - to -"

" - capture it."

"Yeah."

We chuckled.

"Sometimes we'd skip school, and take the subway to eat in another part of the city just to feel all grown up," I spoke.

"That sounds fun."

"It was. There was a guy in our group who liked me -" I stopped, embarrassed. 

"Go on - unless you don't want to." he spoke softly.

"- nothing, just, we went to an adventure park once. It was a really old one - come to think of it - probably wasn't all that safe either - but we didn't have money or time or brains."

"Ah, you've had a fun life, hakseng. You're always so serious but I guess there's a fun side hidden there somewhere." he replied, staring as if his eyes allowed him to search inside my head for my supposed fun side.

I buried my face in my hands, before looking up again. "I don't know if it's there anymore. That time feels so far away."

There was a pause. I looked at the glittering city stretching in front of us in the dusk. He was still looking at me. The first stars had begun to twinkle somewhere far away, but here, they were out-shined by city lights.

"We should go." I said. I suddenly felt really sad. As though I was living moments that were not my own. I wanted to get away.

Jungkook nodded. He jumped from the platform onto the terrace floor, and offered me a hand. I took it, though I shouldn't have, because my brain shut down at his touch. I jumped. A wave of shock went through my left foot so violently after I hit the floor that I lost balance. Jungkook caught me before I fell. I grabbed his shoulder and held on.

My heart gave up at that point. His one hand firmly clasped mine, while the other was on my back. Once again, I was glad that I was short, and it was his chest I was looking at, not his face. I don't think I could've looked into his eyes right then.

"Are you okay?" he asked, without letting me go. My eyes automatically traveled to his own then. You should've let me fall, I thought. But all I could say was, "Hmm?" Something about my expression made him laugh, and that broke the tension.

We let each other go. I was too caught up in my own emotions to see the kind of smile that was playing on his lips. After muttering sorry and thank you, I led us both out of that treacherous terrace.

Before we entered the building, he stopped me and said, "thank you for helping me. With the song and everything. I think I know what I feel now. What I want to write about."

The elevator ride was silent on its way down.