I had tried to lock you out, keep you away.

But what I didn't know was that you had, in the short time we knew each other, already made a place for yourself in my heart. in my life.

Before you, after you. Everything that's not you is but an insignificant blur passing through time, stuck in place.

Loving you was easy. Missing you is harder.

❈❈❈

It's a hot summer Saturday when Jungkook knocks on Taehyungs front door, by himself this time. He only has to wait a couple seconds until the door is almost ripped off of its very hinges, flying open with a 'woosh' of cool air. He was expecting to see Taehyung on the other side, but instead looks down (and down) to see an overexcited little girl grinning up at him. Ah, the brunette's little sister, the one that had tried to make a move on him. Jungkook doesn't really remember her name — something that begins with the letter 'N'? — as he's banished the embarrassing memory and most of that confusing night to the very dark and deep depths of his mind, something to ponder on late at night years later. But he smiles awkwardly back at her anyway.

"H—"

"Nari! How many times have I told you not to answer the door by yourself?!"

Once again Jungkook, perhaps naively, expects Taehyung to be the one rounding the corner to scold his little sister but instead comes someone else entirely — however, he might as well be a mini Taehyung with how similar the two look. Sloped nose, pert lips, bright dark eyes. But there's something different about him, (and not just his height) something unsure, cautious, hostile even. He reminds the blue-haired man of a wild animal, squinting from afar like he's not sure if he should fight or flee. Hit or hide.

"Oh, it's... You."

-

"Taehyung is asleep?"

"Yes."

"Well... Can you wake him up..?"

"No."

"No?"

"He's tired. Mum said let him rest."

"But, like... I'm already here... This is the time we agreed upon.."

Taehyung seems to have a total of three siblings (unless another decides to pop out of nowhere) and they are all equally as unhelpful. Nari is stuck to his side like a parasite, asking trivial questions about everyday life that Jungkook doesn't really feel like answering right now — especially when it comes to his, lack thereof, love life, of which there are plenty. The boy who looks identical to Taehyung is staying quiet, sitting on the singular armchair shoved in the corner with his knees up to his chest and his arms wrapped around himself. Hostile was definitely the right descriptor for him, if looks could kill Jungkook would be heaving his last, cinnamon-scented, breath. Finally, the girl who looks the oldest of the three. She's splayed over the overly soft three-seater Taehyung had compelled Jungkook to watch the movie that he doesn't remember the name of on. Her hair is tied up into a ponytail and her tone is almost annoyingly decisive. She looks a lot less like Taehyung but the resemblance is still there.

Silence fills the air as both parties are lost on what to say next. But that doesn't last long.

"So, are you in a relationship right now?" Sparkly eyes blink up at him.

The quiet boy speaks up. "Nari, stop asking such stupid questions." Jungkook feels relieved, suddenly overcome with great appreciation for the lookalike. Then he mumbles something Jungkook can't hear. However, the eldest girl seems to. "Chan, be nice." She reprimands sternly. 'Chan' just rolls his eyes, looking the other way.

Once again, there is only silence. Awkward silence. Jungkook feels like he's being judged by these three children as they sit on the couches and he stands jarringly in front of them. The house seems accustomed to them, it bends and shapes to their will, they look natural against the white walls and dark, slippery, floors. Jungkook is like a traveller on a path not accustomed for him, pushing through thick thorns and branches only to fall upon territory unkind to him. Where the habitants want nothing more than for him to spin around and run back to where he came from. The little baby is nice to him, at least.

But he was invited here, he reminds himself. And he's got work to do.

"One of you need to go wake him up. Now." He doesn't want to come across like an asshole, but he also doesn't want to be pushed around by a bunch of five-year-olds. Jungkook straightens his posture as his tone grows harsh, cold. He knows he can be intimidating if he wants to and he will not be pushed around by a bunch of two years olds. Chan gives him that wild, weary look again, Nari's eyes lose a couple sparkles and the girl he doesn't know the name of adjusts her position so it's less relaxed, more uptight. When none of them answer, Jungkook feels himself grow exasperated. It's a hot summer Saturday morning and he doesn't want to be dealing with this. He closes his eyes, willing himself not to snap at the literal toddlers. "Can one of you wake him up? Please?" The pleasantry is something he tacts on as an afterthought but it seems to be the reason one of the babies slowly begins to stand up. Specifically, the nameless girl who seems to be the leader of things. At least when Taehyung isn't around.

"He's..." She was confident in telling him no before but now she seems hesitant to even look in Jungkook's direction. "He's napping in my mum's room. I'll take you to her but if she doesn't want you to wake him up then there's not much I can do." It seems as though Jungkook had come across as an asshole. He feels bad. But there's not much he can do to amend that right now.

"Thank you. Really."

"...Yeah."

-

Jungkook has been sort of on edge lately. Two weeks had passed since he and Taehyung had decided to help each other out. And while breaking down the initial wall of art block and regaining inspiration was a massive step forward, Jungkook still hadn't decided on a final piece. He had belatedly realized that having a painting of Taehyung just sitting there, even if it was from an intricate angle, was completely out of the question. His professor was more interested in the story behind art rather than the art itself. You could be Leonardo da Vinci in the flesh and present to him the astonished Mona Lisa on a silver platter and he'd still scoff at you, he'd ask who Mona Lisa was, who Mona Lisa was to you. And you better believe that a passing grade is only achievable if you meet his frustrating set of pretentious rules. Jungkook thinks art shouldn't have rules, that self expression should be whatever the expressor wills it to be. Why can't it just be a pretty portrait of a pretty boy and why can't that be enough? Why can't putting pen to paper, paint to canvas, be enough? Looking at everything as if there's some deeper, emotional meaning to it is just exhausting and draining and pretentious. But what Jungkook thinks, doesn't seem to matter. (Ironically enough.) Self expression my ass, he thinks.

Jungkook doesn't know what he wants his final piece to be. He doesn't know a lot of things. What he does know is that (rejection stings, and) pulling an emotional story from Taehyung would mean getting emotional with him. And he had already promised his heart protection. He had already promised his body and soul and mind that he would stay away, that he wouldn't get hurt. Emotions hurt no matter how bright they shine. No matter how good they feel. No matter how beautiful they are.

"Haewon. And I'm sixteen." She replies when Jungkook asks her name. "You already know Nari, she's eight." They pass the large canvas Taehyung had let Jungkook keep at his house, because hauling it to the bus stop when he had just awoken from a nap seemed like the worst punishment man had to offer. "And my brother, not Tae, obviously, is Chanyeol. He's fourteen." Jungkook nods, the walk from the living room to Yeijin's room seemingly hauntingly long.

When they finally arrive, Haewon doesn't knock on the door, but she does open it slowly and gently, like she doesn't want any noise to be made. Like she doesn't want her presence to be heard. Or maybe Jungkook is looking too far into it. Being an art student has poisoned his once simple mind, he sighs.

The room, red. Just like last time. In fact, Jungkook is positive everything is exactly how it was when he entered a week ago. Soft rug, dusty smell, chair full of cushions and blankets, tv playing an old English show. (The same show, same episode, as last time?) It's almost like this room is unaffected by the movement of time. Jungkook remembers, in his mind of missing memories, learning once about a word. Atemporal; existence without correlation to time. Both a mystical word and a scientific word in its own right. Equally as charming as it is horrifying. This room, atemporal.

There is one thing that is different from last time. A presence. A comforting presence. A terrifying presence. Kim Taehyung. Jungkook's heart leaps at the sight of him, it's almost embarrassing how fast his face heats up. But he had promised. Heart, body, soul, mind. Taehyung looks comfy snuggled up next to his mother. He kneels on the plush floor but his weight heavily falls upon Yeijin's knee as she runs her hands through his soft brown hair methodically. His quiet snores pierce through the quiet room and it's apparent by the way he's positioned that he hadn't intended to fall asleep, perhaps he had just wanted to talk to his mother. His mother, however, doesn't seem all that interested in waking him up. Haewon had warned him, after all.

Yejin averts her eyes from the muted television screen and looks at her daughter with slightly furrowed eyebrows. Then her gaze flickers up to Jungkook who long ago lost his intimidating aura, especially in the face of someone older than him. "Mum, Jungkook is saying that Taehyung told him to come around at this time for work so now that idiot needs to wake up and make this idiot his problem and not mine." Jungkook's eyes widen at Haewon's complete three-sixty in attitude. Once the sensible older sister and now the whiny daughter. "Hae! Must you be so rude when we've got guests over? And don't call your brother an idiot."

"Unwanted guests.." She mutters, suddenly resembling her younger brother heavily.

Jungkook doesn't know how to feel about the fact that Yejin hadn't said anything about Haewon calling him an idiot.

Jungkook takes a couple steps forward. "Sorry for the intrusion, Mrs—Miss Kim, but I don't have a lot of time and need to get my project finished soon... I hope you understand?" He can feel Haewon's eyes on him but doesn't know what kind of expression she is making. Yejin sighs. "Of course, I understand, child. Tae's just been so overworked recently... Here, I'll wake him up right now." So she does, carefully jostling her son awake. It takes a couple shakes but soon Taehyung is blinking his pretty eyes open. He yawns, scrunching up to hide his entire face against his mother's knee, and then he looks up at her, fluttering his eyelashes fully awake. She takes his hand and caresses it gently.

"Did I fall asleep?"

"Yes, sweetheart."

The scene is sweet and syrupy and practically dripping of love and affection.

And emotion.

Jungkook's eyes widen as he's hit with the realization that he's found it. He's found a loophole. He's found the way he's going to keep himself safe. He's found his final piece. He's found his passing grade.

I've found my final piece!

"What..?"

"..."

"Oh, did I say that out loud?"

❈❈❈

Published: 03/05/24

Word count: 2026