As the days rolled by, my resolve to climb the stairs and return to my Jiminie ebbed and flowed. I truly longed to reunite with the man I loved. While I felt a deep desire to be by his side again, I also knew I would miss my life here, too. The thought of seeing his smile and feeling his warm embrace filled my heart with joy and anticipation, yet the prospect of never seeing my family again had me terrified to leave.

Each day, I found myself toing and froing about whether to go to the stairs. With two days left here, I knew I needed to commit myself to a decision. At the end of the day, even if I did decide to go to the stairs, only the portal would decide whether I was to return to the man I loved... or stay here. But settling on whether to go to the stairs or not was the hardest choice I'd ever had to make.

Yesterday, I had my final meeting with my lawyer. I'd started the process of having my will written up at my first meeting with them last week. It was in case I left to go back to my Jiminie and also as a precaution in the event that something happened to me if I stayed here. I'd invested the money that I'd been awarded from my Uncle Jacob's crimes against me. Because I had been living frugally off my wages, I was sitting on a nest egg of a little over $3 million in cash and equity. That didn't include any inheritance money I had been left by Nana Betty as her estate hadn't been finalised yet. My accountant told me that my investments and stock portfolio had increased the payout I received by about 40%.

In my will, I left Caleb 10% of my money, which was to be set up in a trust that he wouldn't be able to access until he was 25. The remaining portion would be split equally between Mum, Dad, Esther, Aiden and Christoff. My lawyer said that if my assets were divided today, my nephew would walk away with $300,000, while the others would receive $540,000 each. None of my family knew how much I was worth. It would be a surprise for them to receive the money. Knowing that my affairs were in order made me feel a lot more relieved.

I'd spent all morning baking up a storm in my brother's kitchen. I had to admit that I missed our modern equipment. Making a pavlova here was so much easier using electric beaters or my stand mixer. Melting butter or chocolate could be done in the microwave in seconds rather than over a double boiler.

Everything was much easier, and a whole lot quicker—but was that enough to make me stay here? I was pondering that question over a cup of coffee while a loaf of brioche was baking in the oven.

"So, have you made a decision yet, Squish?" Aiden's voice brought me out of my thoughts as my fingers fidgeted with the warm mug in my hands.

I shook my head, and because his back was towards me as my brother made himself a coffee, I added, "Not one that I'm 100% sold on yet."

"Nell, you've gotta pull your finger out of your arse! You've only got two more days. You need to choose to go or stay and stick with that choice."

"You don't think I know that?" I snapped in irritation. I was not only frustrated by this decision but also at myself for not making it yet. "I've been counting down the days, sometimes even the hours and minutes. It's a big fucking decision, Aiden—one that will change not only my life but all of yours, too. So, please give me a fucking break."

"Hey, it's going to be okay," my brother murmured as he came to wrap me in his arms. He wasn't much for skinship with others apart from his husband and son, but I could tell he knew I needed this. "I'm not trying to push you or remind you of what you already know. I'm just worried. I can see how much you miss him and also want to go back there, but also how you're torn because you want to stay here too."

I often forgot how perceptive my brother was at times. Normally, he saw the world in black and white. Sometimes, though, he surprised us all by how many shades of grey he could also see.

"How about you talk to Nana Betty? She always gave good advice, so maybe she can help you now, too."

I squeezed my brother tight before I thanked him and wandered off into my bedroom. He was right though. I had talked to everyone in my family and had received their thoughts; however, there was one I had not spoken to. Nana Betty might not be able to tell me what I should do but I hoped that she would provide me with a sign of what to do.

꧁♥💜♥꧂

The drive to the cemetery was spent in silence with my thoughts. Thoughts of Jimin constantly filled my mind, making me ache with longing for his company. His smile and laughter replayed like a movie in my head and his kind heart was like a balm to my soul. I felt a deep ache in my heart, longing for his presence by my side. However, the idea of departing from my family, who had always been my pillars of strength, also stirred up a mix of melancholy and apprehension within me. The thought of being away from the familiar warmth and love of my family tugged at my heartstrings.

I felt like I was walking on a tightrope; it was like I'd come to a crossroads in mid-air. On one side, I could see a safe life that might be filled with happiness. The other, though, I could feel it was filled with the greatest love. The hard part was that I couldn't see further than one footstep in front of me.

Could I be happy living a life without an all-encompassing love?

Or would it be better to have a (possibly) short but very happy life?

When I arrived at my sombre destination, I grabbed the bouquet I had brought on my way here. I locked the car and made my way over to Nana Betty's grave. I knew my way since it was the third time I had come here since I'd returned. As I walked by the graves of the deceased, I couldn't help but ponder about the stories of their lives. I wondered if they had experienced happiness and fulfilment or if they found peace in the afterlife. I also thought about the loved ones they might have left behind, grieving their absence. Were these departed souls now resting at peace, or were they lingering on earth in a spiritual form, unable to find solace?

As I wandered along the grassy path that guided visitors to their loved ones, I smiled as I watched a small mob of wallabies nibbling on the grass. It always amazed me the resilience of grass here in Australia. The lawn I walked upon was a nice bright green colour thanks to the rain a few days ago; it had been brown and dry when I'd first come here.

One of the things I loved about this resting place for my grandmother was that the cemetery was surrounded by the bush. Nana Betty loved the Aussie bush almost as much as she loved the cattle farm she grew up on. She had lived on acreage her entire life up until she'd moved into the aged care home.

My favourite story Nana Betty told me was about growing up in the bush was how she had rescued orphaned wildlife and nursed them back to health. Her favourite 'patient' was the brushtail possum she looked after when she was a teenager. Nana Betty always loved to name the animals she looked after. She gave the possum the name Toby, who turned out to be very naughty. He found a way into the cupboard where my great-grandmother was hiding the Easter chocolate. The little bugger then ate it. My veterinarian great-grandfather acted swiftly and saved the little possum from potential chocolate poisoning. When Toby was healthy, he was released back into the wild so he could find a mate and live out his life.

I smiled at that memory as I turned down the correct laneway and wandered to the end. I kneeled in front of the gravestone and uttered, "Hi, Nana Betty," as I removed the wilted flowers and replaced them with the fresh bouquet. The smell of roses and gardenias filled the air and I took in a deep breath. It felt like my grandmother was here with me. The warm breeze wrapped around me like a hug as I sat in front of her resting place.

"It's almost time and I still don't know exactly what to do. Part of me wants to stay here because this is the home that I know. Our family and my friends are here, plus it's safe for me." As I spoke, tears started to fill my eyes. These were a mix of emotions—sadness, frustration, longing, and fear all blending together. Each feeling weighed heavily on my heart, making it hard to continue speaking. "Another positive is that there's no looming clock counting down to the potential doom of my relationship... and life. One of the big downsides, though, is that I don't think I will ever feel the same way for someone else as I do for Jimin. I would end up settling for someone else. Is that fair for me or the guy?

"But then, I only have to think of something that reminds me of my Jiminie and I have to hold myself back from running straight for the stairs to return to him quicker. He's the love of my life, like how Grandpa Jack was for you. The fact remains, though, that I will never be able to provide him with a baby. If I went, it would mean that by the start of July, I'd lose both him and my life."

Tears were streaming down my face, yet I made no effort to wipe them. It was inevitable that fresh ones would fall in their place anyway. "I have been thinking about what the Oracle said before I came here. He told me to think with both sides of my brain. Esther and I have been thinking outside of the box, as that's what I think he was trying to tell me. We've been trying to figure out a creative way for how both Jimin's and my DNA could be transferred into a baby. So far, though, I haven't thought of anything that wouldn't land me in a straitjacket. It also can't give me a permanent criminal record."

I laughed at the insane thought that had come to me at the fan meet. "One knows they're desperate if they consider approaching BTS' Jimin for a sperm sample to attempt self-impregnation. Of course, I didn't go through with it. I'd be lying if I said the idea wasn't appealing in a tiny way, though," I said with a sardonic laugh. I immediately rejected the idea. "It would feel like I would be betraying my boyfriend, even though it would technically be his sperm. I'd also be afraid of being labelled a sasaeng and getting arrested for sexual harassment.

"Bubbles came up with an idea that might work if I was able to somehow conceive or at least fake a conception. You remember that crazy lady who booked Esther for the photoshoot?" I laughed at the memory of when Esther had told us all at a family dinner years ago about a photography client. She was a psycho, money-hungry girlfriend who tried to convince her boyfriend she was pregnant by using silicone baby bumps. On the day of the shoot, Esther was so convinced that the woman was pregnant. It was only during the editing process that the seam of the fake belly had been evident. "If we thought that fake belly was realistic six years ago, they are so much more advanced now. Your other granddaughter bought me a set of five that could take me from barely showing to looking like I was carrying a full-term baby."

I kept on giggling while I shifted in my seat to follow the changing shadows created by the sun. My legs were getting tired from being crossed, so I stretched them out in front of me as I leaned back on my hands. I looked up at the trees that bordered the cemetery. The subtle eucalypt scent mingled with the flowers that were now in the full sun.

"It's nice to see Betty having visitors," I heard a man say as he laid a small wreath of native flowers beside the bouquet I had brought. I was startled. I didn't know that anyone was here, let alone someone who knew my grandmother. The older man came to sit beside me and even though I had no idea who he was, I felt no fear. "The name's Ernie. I used to work for your grandparents on their dairy farm when I was younger and the three of us became very close despite our age differences. I heard about your grandmother's passing and I knew I needed to come and pay my respects one last time. It's taken me a while to come from Mornington Island. 'Better late than never, Ernie,' Betty would say if she was here."

I introduced myself to the man. As we chatted, I learned he was an Indigenous Elder for the small island in the Gulf of Carpentaria. It was interesting to learn about my grandparents from someone who knew them both when they were younger. Hearing stories from my dad and also from Nana Betty was great but this hit differently. It was as if I was getting a snapshot into a specific time of their lives.

I noticed a branch moving in the wind, which made me gasp. I saw a koala sleeping, nestled in a fork high up in the gum tree next to me. In all my years on this earth living in Australia, I could count on two hands how many koalas I had seen in the wild like this. Tourists thought Aussies saw koalas constantly but because they hid themselves so well in the forks, they went unnoticed most of the time.

Ernie motioned with his head towards the sleeping marsupial, "You know, that's a very lucky sign right there. In Indigenous symbology, koalas represent intuition, nurturing, and protection. They are a reminder for us to trust our instincts and to protect those we love.

"That's not all though," he continued, unaware of the epiphany I was having. "Because they eat the toughest leaves, koalas are a symbol of adaptability. Their sleeping habits teach us to find comfort in difficult times. Whenever I see a koala like this, I know it is a message from one of my ancestors. It seems like you've been struggling with something. Your grandmother has sent you a message."

With that, Ernie left me to my thoughts and the message my grandmother had sent me. She had been listening to me the whole time and this was the sign that I had been looking for.

"Wow. You were always the best sounding board, Nana Betty. I know what I have to do now. Thank you."