23 June 2023

As soon as I got into my car, the second-guessing of my decision to quit began. I was relieved that I no longer needed to work with Courtenay. Knowing I would not be subjected to her manipulation and gaslighting would do wonders in reducing my anxiety. But that didn't take away from how I was feeling stressed about not having a job for the first time in my working life.

I had no recollection of starting the ignition, nor about driving. It wasn't until I found myself at a familiar home that I realised that I had in fact driven nearly 40km. A knock on my driver's side window had me jumping, clutching my chest in fright. Christof Blumenthal, my handsome German brother-in-law was looking at me. I could see both worry and amusement painted across his features.

"Nell, you okay?" he asked as I peeled myself from the safety of my Hyundai Kona. "Come inside. I'll make tea and you can tell me all about it."

Ever since Christof came into our family over 15 years ago, he and I have always been very close. Aiden had been on vacation visiting Germany's Mosel region's vineyards. He had met Christof, who was also there on holiday, and the two men had a whirlwind holiday romance. The rest, as they say, is history. Christof and Aiden had a love that I wished for; one that was filled with love, passion and lots of romance. While it wasn't always flowers and rainbows, they never let anything come between them.

Esther and Nana Betty were my voices of reason. They were the ones who saw things for the way they were and were unapologetic in their bluntness. Aiden was the one I went to whenever I had a problem that needed solving. Being a procurement officer working for our state's government, he was very analytical and had a logical way of viewing the world. Mum and Dad provided my siblings and me with the love and support only parents could offer. They encouraged us all to work towards our dreams and to do whatever made us happy. Caleb, Aiden and Christof's adopted son, was my joy and he taught me to have fun and to view the world with innocent eyes.

I loved the rest of my family completely. But my relationship with Christof was one that I thoroughly cherished. He was my confidant, the one I went to whenever I had something heavy on my heart or mind. He listened and allowed me to vent without trying to solve everything. It must be why my body decided to drive me to his house instead of anyone else's.

"Do you have anything stronger than tea?" I asked as the two of us headed inside the house.

"That bad of a day, hey?" I nodded despondently. "What's the poison for you then? Tequila, wine, vodka or gin?"

"All of them. I need..." I paused, turning to look at Christof, "Aunt Roberta."

I wasn't one to drink much, but those closest to me knew what kind of mood I was in by the alcoholic beverage I was drinking. Wine was my usual go-to. Tequila or vodka was for when I wanted to let loose and have a good time. A nice pink gin was my choice when I was in the mood for something classy.

... and an Aunt Roberta was when the shit had hit the fan. Today, the 100% alcoholic combination of brandy, vodka, absinthe, gin and blackberry liqueur was exactly what I needed.

"Scheisse (Shit)," he whispered, reverting to his mother tongue like he did when he was drunk, angry, or in this case, shocked. "One Aunt Roberta coming right up."

"Did I do the wrong thing, Christof?" I asked, heading over to take a seat at the island bench. I struggled a little getting up onto the high stools; even though I was 5'4" in height, I had short legs with a long torso.

"Well, that depends... What did you do?" he asked, turning and pointing a bottle of vodka in my direction. "You didn't kill what's-her-name did you?"

I shook my head. "I quit my job. Courtenay gaslighted me about the wedding cake I sent you pictures of. And then tried to manipulate the situation today by saying that she never said I could come in after delivering it to the venue." I scowled, remembering the look on her face. I used to think Courtenay was pretty with her unblemished skin, thin body and blonde hair. I now saw her for how she was—a person with an ugly heart.

As Christof made my cocktail, I filled him in on what had transpired over the past couple of days. I feared for my liver at one point because he forgot to stop pouring in the Chambord. It looked like this one was going to be very blackberry-forward.

My brother-in-law slid the concoction my way. Grabbing a bottle a bottle of beer from the fridge for himself, he took a seat on the stool beside me. "You did the right thing, Nell. I know there's a million thoughts going through your head, right now. They're probably telling you all sorts of 'what ifs' but remember that you did what was right for you... and your sanity. I didn't even know the woman and I feel myself going crazy because of her."

"Maybe it would have gotten better soon," I tried to reason. Even I could hear how pitiful it sounded. I wasn't surprised when Christof grabbed my shoulders and shook them gently.

"Wovom zum Teufel redest du? (What are you talking about for devil's sake?) It would never have gotten better, Nell. She's a master in manipulation and gaslighting—that doesn't just stop or go away. You're naive if you think that." Christof took a deep breath, blowing it out slowly as he calmed down.

It wasn't unusual for Christof to have moments where his temper came out, but it usually wasn't directed at any of our family. So, to see this side of him was like a slap across the face as a wake-up call.

"You always try to see the best in people—and that is a good thing. But sometimes you've gotta put yourself first. It's okay to be selfish sometimes, Nell. You have a big heart, just don't let it get squashed by undeserving people."

I nodded, understanding his implied message: I did the right thing for me. Grabbing hold of my glass, I silently raised it in a toast before sculling the whole thing. I was going to have a wicked hangover in the morning, but that was Future Nell's problem.

꧁♥💜♥꧂

"I gotta stop," my father, Darryl Bennett, slurred. Over the past few hours, the rest of the family had descended upon Aiden and Christof's home. We all made full use of my brother's well-stocked bar. "I'm so sloshed, I shouldn't drink anymore."

My father only ever drank if he was at one of our homes since he was worried one of his students would see him if he did in public. Being a high school history teacher, Dad took his position of being a good role model seriously. The school he worked at was in a low socio-economic catchment area. This meant that unfortunately many of his students came from homes where alcohol and drugs were prevalent. Thus, my father liked to set a good example.

"Youse are welcome to crash here, Dad," Aiden commented, his voice—and diction—impaired by the booze in his system. "Mum's off her tits from the grog. I don't think any cabbies will pick youse up this time of the night, only the paddy wagons or booze bus will."

It was funny hearing my usually eloquently spoken brother speaking like a bogan when he got some liquor into him. We weren't a big drinking family, but tonight we were celebrating my freedom.

"Ta, will do, Sweets," Mum piped up, giggling at the disgusted look on my brother's face. He hated being called 'sweetie' since he said he was too manly for it. Turning to my sister, she asked, "So, tell me again when you are both leaving?"

During dinner, Dad suggested that I use this time away from the bakery to go on holiday. It wasn't something I had been able to do much over the past few years because my skills were highly sought after. The only times I had been able to get away had all been for cake decorating competitions. The last time I travelled was two years ago when I came second in one of the international competitions that was held in Paris.

As soon as the idea was floated, I got excited. I had done a happy dance when Esther suggested that I go to Costa Rica with her. She needed to go the following week for an article she was writing for a magazine. Her assistant, Brady, had to pull out from the trip since he needed to look after his niece while his sister was giving birth to her second child. The moment 'free holiday' left her lips, I accepted instantly. While my family and I gushed about how I'd finally get to see my favourite animals—sloths and tapirs—in their natural environment, Esther was on the phone with Brady getting the tickets changed from his name to mine.

"We leave in five days, on the 28th," Esther said. I was jealous of how she sounded so coherent while being the only person to drink nearly as much as me. She never sounded intoxicated and never got hungover, while I did. "We're going to the Osa Peninsula. I'm writing an article about one of the nature reserves over there to help raise awareness and hopefully bring in volunteers for them."

Frankly, I didn't care what we were doing once I heard that we would be seeing sloths, tapirs and the big jungle cats. Esther had said we would be in Costa Rica for about 10 days. It was a bigger trip than normal because she was not only writing for the magazine but also for her blog.

"Well, here's to a safe trip for you both," Christof toasted, the rest of us joining in.

⊱ ───ஓ๑💜๑ஓ ─── ⊰

24 June 2023

"I'm so jealous!" my friend, Isla Butterworth, exclaimed as our friend group caught up for brunch. Usually, I was not able to join since I had to work on Saturday mornings, so it was a welcome change. "You deserve this, Nell. And to go with Esther... you two will have a great time."

Isla, Esther and I had gone through high school together and were thick as thieves. It was actually Isla who introduced my sister and me to BTS. She had heard of the band when she was teaching in Korea, and when she returned, she showed us videos of the guys. The three of us each had different biases—Esther's was Jungkook, Yoongi was Isla's and mine was J-Hope. But we were at the end of the day, OT7 fans in our hearts.

"Hopefully you can meet a hot Costa Rican man," the woman sitting beside me teased. Kylie Sexton, like her name, was very open to sex and she had been the pioneer of the 'Get-Nell-Laid' team. "Get him to show you his anaconda."

Being a pastry chef who had her own patisserie, Kylie understood the life I had. I liked to hide away in my house or the kitchen out the back, whereas she was flirting up a storm with handsome men. I had met her when we had both gone through the Le Cordon Bleu college together. While my friend had started her own business right away, I'd gone to work for someone else. She had been trying to convince me for years to go out on my own. Kylie often sent customers to the bakery whenever they needed a cake since she didn't offer that. I knew that she'd rather I get the money than someone else.

"You're so lucky Regina couldn't make it today," I giggled, looking at Kylie. "Because you know she'd have whooped your bum with her thong for that comment."

"I swear, she needs to get laid more than you, Nell."

"Ky," I said in warning. Kylie and Regina had a love/hate relationship at times. I loved the fifth member of our friendship group, but Regina could be very judgemental about all things sex-related. She was raised in a very strict religious family, and because of this, she was still a virgin at the age of 34.

"Anyway, so what's the goss on Esther and... what's his name?" I was grateful for Isla changing the topic.

I filled my two friends in on my sister's latest beau, a professional photographer named Tom. The two had been dating for a couple of months now. "Tom. They're okay but I'm getting a little annoyed at his flightiness. Esther says she understands his lifestyle. I've been trying to tell her that there is a difference between being committed to a job where you can get pulled away at any time for a shoot, and just ghosting her for days or weeks at a time."

"The plight of good dick," Kylie remarked. "I mean we've all been there where the guy is a bigger dick than his cock, but he's still amazing in bed."

I nearly spat out my coffee as I started giggling. Coughing as it went down the right way, I nodded. "That's why I am exclusive to Bob. He never complains, always gets me off and the only thing I need to do is to replace his batteries when they die."

"Yeah, battery-operated boyfriends are good, but they can't cuddle afterwards, can they?" Isla teased. She sighed as she usually did when she pictured her Colombian boyfriend of three months. None of us had him met since he worked FIFO and lived in Hervey Bay. "I wouldn't trade Manuel for anything."

"Yeah, but at least Bob won't leave me like the others have when they realise I can't give them kids. I'm not one for a root with a stranger, so I'll stick with my vibe for my sexual release and Hobi for my emotional support." I smiled thinking of the one man who had helped me most.

Hoseok had become my bias when I needed him most. My life had changed in an instant when I had a hysterectomy that rendered me unable to ever carry children. Hobi's smiling face and bubbly personality helped me. Through their music, I began to process the loss of my dream of being pregnant. I'd often found myself in a state of desiderium for not being able to personally conceive a child. But BTS and their songs helped bring me back from the darkness.

Out of the five of us girls, I was the only single one. I had been burned in the past and now I had closed my heart off to love. It had taken a toll on me emotionally, mentally and physically when I was cheated on by my ex-fiancé. It didn't help that several exes brutally dumped me because I couldn't provide them children. Instead of losing the weight of a useless fuckwit of a lover, I had gained over 20kg. I had never been a skinny person but instead of the toned and muscular body I had in high school, I was now what you could call flabby with lots of cushion for the pushin'. Esther used to be the bigger of the two of us, but now I was a similar size to my twin.

"He's out there, Nell, the man who will love you unconditionally," Kylie said softly, placing her hand on mine. "Don't lose hope and please don't close your heart off from finding him."

I wiped the stray tear that slid down my cheek. Even after seven years, the pain of knowing I'd never be a biological mother hurt. Usually, I could bury that pain. The hangover from last night's drinking, though, was pulling down my mental defences.

"Yeah, nah. You know how I feel about that, Ky. The universe hates me and has decided love isn't part of my destiny. I'm okay with that now... no point pushing diarrhoea up a hill with a fork."

I could tell my friends hated my position on love, but nothing was going to change my mind. The definition of insanity was doing the same thing time and time again and expecting a different outcome. I'd be insane to think that a relationship would have a different outcome other than the guy leaving me when he found I was barren.

'No, I'd rather protect my heart and just close myself off. I don't need anything other than my friends, family, BTS and a good vibrator.'