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(Many months ago . . . )

Derek was yelling at me through the phone and all I did in return was just stare at my walls with a blank expression. I never really interrupted him when he wanted to vent out at me, about me, so I let him finish before I let my own anger take control of me.

"You're ridiculous," I said, rolling my eyes even though he couldn't see me. "You always complain that we don't talk enough, or that I don't care about talking to you, but when I do have time to talk you're too busy playing some stupid video game with your friends. If you're gonna blame something on me, at least be logical about it."

"ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?" he yelled, again. "You're NEVER there. You're always out with your friends, drinking, partying or at the beach and refuse to even have ONE day off to spend with your BOYFRIEND."

"WHY ARE YOU ACTING LIKE THIS?" I screamed, feeling my blood boil. "I ALWAYS talk to you. I ALWAYS make time for you. Do you know what you do when we talk? NOTHING. YOU DO FUCKING NOTHING. You stay quiet for hours and barely say anything to me. Is that what you want? Is that what you think a relationship is? I am TIRED, Derek."

"Tired? Pft, yeah, sure."

"YES, TIRED," I said sternly. "I have loved you since day one, I've supported you through everything that has happened as much as I can, but I cannot keep taking the blame for the things YOU do."

"What is that supposed to mean?"

"When you get depressed, who do you take it out on? ME. And I let you because I know how much it hurts you to feel those things, but I can't let you keep doing it to me. You're trying to drag me down with you and I won't allow it."

"Oh, so now it's MY fault?"

"No, you fucking imbecile. It's both of ours, the only difference is I admit when I'm wrong, you just hide it because it's easier than accepting you made a mistake."

Derek breathed in and out and remained quiet after that. I was truly tired of taking the blame for everything. Anytime his anger problems surfaced or if his depression got worse, I was there to take the beating. I wasn't stupid. And it wasn't because I studied psychology, it was a human thing. He felt comfortable enough with me because we've been together for so long that he also forgot I was human.

I used to believe that he was the one for me, that he was my soulmate, that we were meant to be together. But life taught me lessons and made me realize there there is no "meant-to-be". Things just are. They happen, and sometimes they're gone. My relationship with Derek was crumbling, it had been for so long, and my heart was waiting for the inevitable truth.

Anytime Derek got depressed, he would stalk my social media and see that I was out with my friends and he would become so unreasonably angry that he would start spewing bullshit at me and it would cause unnecessary drama between us. And that was how most of our fights started.

It was always just shouting and blaming and me crying. There was too much suffering in this relationship and I could feel that we were both at the brink of a collapse. It was worse in person, though. When I would come visit him or him come visit me, it was nice for the first few days and then things would just flip upside down. Literally all my friends hated when he would visit me because he'd stay in my dorm with me while my best friend was out visiting his own family and we would fight for hours while people were trying to sleep that Derek got kicked out a few times.

And I was pretty sure I was super close to getting kicked out, too.

I held my phone for so long that my hand fell asleep and had to lay on my bed with my phone resting on my ear. We did some more arguing, more shouting, more blaming and the occasional crying; but that was usually on my end.

By the time we were done, we had hung up on each other and it was night. I was crying on my bed like always. I was never an angry person so the only way I could release unwanted emotions was to cry. The frustration level that I had with Derek was at its maximum.

Nathan entered our room at that point and saw me crying, when last week I told him I was done crying. But I was a liar and my emotions were weak. He sighed and dropped his backpack on the floor before coming over and jumping next to me on the bed.

"What happened?" he asked.

"What do you think happened?" I said, wiping my tears away with my shirt.

"Want to talk about it?"

"No, it's just the same shit."

He moved closer to me, wrapping an arm around me and closing his eyes with his chin on my shoulder. For a few minutes I felt better but then my emotions decided to come back with a slap across my face and I sounded like I was choking on a piece of biscuit from Popeyes. I pulled away from him and rolled to the end of my bed where I pressed my face against the wall and cried.

"It was really bad this time wasn't it?" he asked.

"I feel like we're going to break up and there's nothing I can do to stop it," I said while I gained control of my voice again. "I try to give him what he wants but it's not enough. I feel so insulted that he thinks I don't care about him or us. It hurts me so much because I've never given him a reason to feel that way towards me."

"Right, and you shouldn't doubt that you are a good boyfriend," he said. "I'm your best friend and I see you every single day and I see how good you are and how much you try for him, but Derek . . . Derek has problems and that he needs to accept."

"I feel like I make it sound like it's all his fault. I know I'm also problematic, but I try to be better when I see I'm in the wrong."

"Oh, I know you are problematic, too." He laughed but I was dead serious and just gave him a stare of death. "But I agree, you do try to be better."

"I just feel like shit that he always has to be alone. Maybe if we both got into the same school things would be different. At least we would have both lived together or something and we could face our problems together instead of over the phone."

"Are you going to see him next week?"

"I'd rather not talk about this anymore, honestly." I rolled back to the middle of my bed and then rolled over Nathan's body so I could get out of bed. I sat down on his bed instead as I put on my shoes. "Let's go out."

"Should I call Asha?"

"Um? YES? There's no way we're going without her lesbian ass."

Nathan picked up his phone and called Asha, our friend who hated men, unless they were gay. I was glad that Nathan decided to come to his dorm today, other wise I would have gone to the club by myself and that would just be tragic. I needed to blast my ears with some music and forget about everything but being alone like that just made things more depressing.

I laid back on his bed and just watched him as he talked to Asha. Nathan sometimes reminded me of Derek, which was AWKWARD as hell. The only difference was that Nathan was less on the muscle type and more on the lean side, his eyes were green not blue, and he wasn't so pale that he looked dead. He had blonde short hair and not black. And it's not exactly that they looked the same, it was more their personalities and behavior. And I meant pre-depressed Derek. Nathan was just very supportive, kind, caring and just a good looking bisexual guy.

At least Asha, who was also very close to me, did not remind me of Derek. Asha had beautiful dark skin, brown eyes like mine, she had the longest dreadlocks I had ever seen, short but completely murderous, and unlike Derek and Nathan, if I was being stupid or if Derek was, she wouldn't try to hide it behind white little lies, she would be honest with me because she cared immensely.

"She said she can't come tonight but if we go tomorrow she'll be there, so I guess it's just us."

"Are you going dressed like that?" I asked, eyeing his totally "student" look he had going on.

He rolled his eyes and went through the closet to find new clothes. I was tempted to look at my phone while Nathan dressed, but if I saw a text from Derek, I would just get anxiety and not want to go out, for the fear that the text would just be a break up text.

"Which shirt?" he asked, holding out two ugly shirts.

"Neither, they're ugly."

He dropped his hands and glared at me. "Seriously?"

"Yeah, we're going to a gay club and you want to go dressing like you're going to the rodeo?"

"Yeah? Gotta find a twink to ride this rodeo."

"I'm gonna throw up."

"Red shirt it is."

Since I didn't want to look at my phone, I asked Nathan to call an Uber. I was still going to bring my phone, but I wasn't going to look at it all night. When the Uber arrived, we left our dorm building. It was Monday, but for a few of us Monday was an empty day with no classes. The lucky ones, anyway. Most people took the Friday's off, but if I had the chance to delete Mondays, I would, and I did by making it my day of the week off.

The uber gave us candy and we ate them suspiciously. Free candy, so it was worth the suspicion. We got to the club and took our usual seats by the bartender. Nathan and I talked for an hour straight while drinking, and surprisingly nothing about Derek or my relationship.

It was very difficult to get me tipsy, mostly because I was always drunk every hour of everyday. So while Nathan looked close to passing out, I was still going strong. When a friend of his came by and they started talking, I walked around the club and awkwardly danced on my own to the music. A few guys tried to dance with me but I scooted my ass away.

Not one person I knew was here. Where the hell were all my gays?

When I came back to Nathan, all the seats were taken and he was still talking to his friend. Pouting, I walked around the bar and found an empty chair. I would have gone to one of the tables but they all had strangers and suddenly I was socially anxious.

There was a man there who stared as I took the seat. He was daddy material. He was maybe in his 40s with grey facial hair and a body a God. I smiled at him politely and he returned it. I was about to call the bartender to order a new drink when the stranger stopped me.

"I got it," he said, waving at the bartender and pointing at his own drink and holding out two fingers. "What's your name?"

"Leonardo, you?"

"Jaymes. You're very cute. Actually, the cutest guy I've probably seen around here."

Instead of taking the compliment like a normal person, I just snorted. Oh, but it wasn't a normal snort, it came out like a pig who had been slapped in the ass. Half of me wanted to be cocky and say I already knew, but I didn't have it in me to be sarcastic tonight.

"Thank you, Jaymes."

"Are you here with anyone or are you alone?"

"I'm here with my best friend, but he's talking to a friend."

Jaymes paid for the drinks when they arrived and I thanked him. I felt awkward taking a drink from a stranger. I only really let my friends buy me drinks, or sometimes friends of friends who wanted my Italian sausage but knew they couldn't get it because I was taken. I looked to see if Nathan's friend was gone but nope, they were still talking.

I mentally noted to destroy him if he dared to bring any guy home. We did not have separate rooms. Our room was nice and big, but our beds were literally next to each other and I did not want to deal with him having sex beside me. Actually, it would be an upgrade. He only ever brought girls home and had never even dated a guy before. Never even had sex with one, so if he did tonight, I'd let it slide. I'd even throw him a celebration party.

The drink was extremely strong so I only gulped half of it before I grimaced and poked my tongue out multiple times. That probably looked suggestive.

"Don't like it?" he asked, laughing.

"Not my kind of drink." I actually wanted to say that it was old people drinks, but I didn't want to be rude.

"Do you want to dance with me?" he asked.

"Mmm, no, I don't really like dancing, especially with strangers, no offense."

"Do you think you might wanna go to my place with me later?"

"Oh, no, I have a boyfriend."

"Oh, alright."

"Sorry if I gave you signals, I didn't mean to."

I was about to finish my drink when Nathan appeared, took it and swallowed it. He tapped my shoulder and grinned. I would have fought him but I didn't buy the drink and I didn't even like it. That reminded me of something I wanted to do.

"Hey, let me buy you a drink since you bought me one," I told Jaymes.

"Really?"

"Yeah, why are you surprised?"

"Most guys are assholes to me after I buy them drinks or turn me down," he said, giving Nathan and I a friendly smile. I knew the guy was nice. His face was literally NICE.

"Well, I'm not most guys, and I don't think anyone here is an asshole." I called out the bartender and asked for my favorite drink: a margarita.

"He's right, I've been to other gay clubs and the guys are SO annoyingly cocky," Nathan said. "This one is nice, we like it the best. Everyone is friendly and fun. And the drag queens are also the most talented ones, so . . ."

"Are you straight?" Jaymes asked, raising a brow. I fucking lost it.

"No? Why? Jesus, was Leo right? Do I look like I'm going to a rodeo?" Nathan said, looking down at his clothes. "I don't even get how he thinks I'm going to a rodeo, I look NOTHING like a cowboy."

"You just don't . . . seem . . . like you belong here," Jaymes stammered, almost like he wasn't sure what he was trying to say. I actually found that offensive. How do you seem like you belong in a gay club? First of all, I was not one of those people who believed straight people couldn't come to gay clubs. Everyone was welcome, the only problem I saw was if those straight people who wanted to come in would be rude or not. Gay clubs were a special place, and it was definitely our place, but anyone was welcome as long as you were nice and not a stupid person thinking we were only here for their entertainment.

"I mean . . . I sucked a dick once, but that doesn't make me less gay than anyone else. I'm bisexual."

"Ah, bisexual."

"Yeah, bisexual."

"Have you...?"

"Have I what?"

"Done it with a guy?"

"No, I haven't found the right guy to hook up with. I don't just pick out whoever and bang, jeez."

Suddenly I wasn't liking Jaymes anymore. There was something judgemental about him. He probably had No fats, fems, asians, blacks written on his Grindr profile. Unfortunately, it wasn't rare to see gay people be iffy about the whole bisexual thing. Even gay people weren't safe from ignorance.

If only Asha was here. She would have torn him a new hole to be fucked in.

"Sorry, we're gonna go now, but have fun Jaymes, hope you find someone tonight," I told him and grabbed Nathan, running far away from that side of the bar.

We ordered more drinks and took them to the dance floor where we danced together. The music was so good tonight. Everything sounded amazing, like my ears had been closed all this time and finally opened. I closed my eyes and moved my body with Nathan's.

My body's trippin on you. Feeling higher than the moon.

Oh, yeah. I definitely felt high. Some guy was staring at me while I danced with Nathan, like creepily staring. I glared back and pulled Nathan's face closer to mine. The lights flashing over our heads began to blind me. I forgot how much time was wasted on the dance floor, all I remember was how perfectly Nathan's body danced with mine. We danced a lot together, but this time felt different.

I couldn't properly form sentences, let alone thoughts. After God knows how long, Nathan grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the club. We managed to call an Uber while we laughed at how funny our voices sounded.

Sometimes I could still hear the music in my head, so I kept dancing even outside on the streets. There was even a ghost drink in my hand. I could feel it, but I couldn't see it. I bit my lips as I pointed at Nathan, beckoning him to march his ass back to me and dance.

We danced and danced, acting foolish. Till our Uber came and honked four times.

"Oh, shhhith," Nathan said.

We jumped inside the car and giggled all the way back to the dorm building. We wouldn't stop annoying the driver and he threatened to drop us off in the middle of nowhere if we didn't behave. We didn't behave, but we stopped annoying him and turned our attention on each other.

His eyes were changing color. And sometimes, they were all colors. I wondered what my eyes looked like to him. Were they basic brown? Ultimate brown? Godly brown?

Our Uber dropped us at our destination, thankfully. We wobbled like penguins back to our dorm room, and when we entered, that's when everything changed.

We went straight to my bed and kept laughing at each other, for no reason. Then everything quieted down and we started making out. The music from the club was still playing in my head and I could still see the lights flashing, but in my room.

Nathan took his shirt off and my hands began to explore his smooth skin. All I could think of was how hot he was in this moment. And then I saw Derek, not Nathan. I continued to rub my hands over his body as he kissed my neck and dragged it down to my chest. He ripped my shirt off and kissed lower and lower until I moaned and crossed my legs.

"Wai—" I breathed as Nathan pulled down my pants and then his. "Der . . . Der . . . Ek."

He pressed his lips to mine and I forgot everything I wanted to say. I wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled him closer to me, not wanting to let go of the warm feeling. He flipped us over so I was on top of him and I grinded down on him.

The rest of our clothes were gone. The rest of the night was gone. We had sex with the music still blasting in my mind. Everything was spinning, my thoughts were loopy, but the pleasure and desire burned into my skin like a long lost lover.

~

Ring . . . Ring . . . Ring . . .

Yawning, I woke up to the sound of my phone on the floor. I remembered hearing it for a long time but only now was I acknowledging it. As I stretched and groaned, everything slowly started coming to me. The fear and realization hit my stomach like a bomb of anxiety. I opened my hands and my hands searched and searched till my finger tips connected with a warm body.

No . . .

"Oh, God," I started bawling. My head hurt. My throat burned. And I was not ready for today.

"Wh—Wha?" Nathan mumbled, waking up.

"Why . . ." I sobbed, my voice hiccuping with every breath I took. "Nathan, why?"

The realization was hitting him also. He quickly covered himself when he saw that we were both naked. Every part of my body felt disgusted. I could still feel him inside of me. How could no part of me stop it? How could I let that happen? And how could he not try to stop it? Why did we . . . why . . .

"Leo...?" he said softly, touching my back. I flinched and pushed him away. "Leo . . . I'm sorry."

"We always, always get drunk. We always sleep and cuddle with each other all the time, but we never did anything because we weren't stupid. And we weren't . . . aren't into each other like that. So why? Why this time? What the fuck happened?"

"I don't know, I really don't. Leo, I promise you I didn't . . . I . . ." He sighed and stopped trying to speak. We just sat there, me crying and him thinking.

"Did you . . . force me?" I asked.

"What? How could you say that? You know I would never do that to you. I don't know how it happened but there's no way I would hurt you."

It seemed like we were both sharing the same kind of thoughts. It didn't make sense. I remembered everything, but I didn't remember ever wanting to stop or thinking rationally. I just wanted his body on mine, wanted his lips on mine, wanted him in me. But HOW could I think that or want that? I didn't want Nathan like that. He was my best friend, I saw him as nothing more. How could I do this to Derek . . .

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[Author's Message]: Uh oh, spaghettio. So, I was actually going to write a lot more during these descriptions but . . . couldn't. OBVIOUSLY. I was so frustrated because the chapter would have been better as third person, and I should have done it in third person, BUT WHEN I REALIZED IT WAS TOO LATE. I spent all day writing this chapter and I was NOT going to re-write it lmao. I was gonna write how there was more problems with Derek and how upset he made Leo which was the main reason he wanted to just leave his room and go out and have fun, so he didn't have to worry for once. BUT, more will be said next chapter ;) . . . IN DEREK'S POV! I hope you guys liked the chapter, PLEASE leave a comment and vote. SO MANY people read and commented, but barely any of yall voted >:( You know how that makes me feel? BACKSTABBED, BY MY OWN AMAZING FOLLOWERS. SMH. So what do you guys think of Nathan? Hate him? Forgive him? Think it was his fault or no? LET ME KNOW. It won't be the last of him you'll see ;) ;) ;) ;)