Lacuna: A missing piece or part

Keith pov

Christine texted me and she said she wanted me home now. It was something important.

I felt dread begin to creep into my chest as I hesitantly and anxiously said goodbye to Lance and his family.
Lance immediately knew something was up.

"I'm sure it's nothing" I replied and gave him a small unsure smile. 
"Text me when you get home okay?" He said on my way out, kissing my forehead.
"I will" I replied before shutting the front door.

I was scared to go home.
I know it's something bad, I can feel it.
I was happy at every red light because it gave me more time.

When I finally got inside the atmosphere was tense.
"I'm home" I called, voice breaking slightly at the sudden pitch change.
Christine and Dane rushed from the kitchen towards the door.
They both looked horribly worried.
I slid my shoes off and walked over to them.
Christine had her lips pursed and was restless.
"I don't know what this but it's addressed to you" Dane said.
I know the tone he uses to try and his his fear.
He held out an envelope to me.
I felt a wet burst of panic shoot through my veins as he held it out to me.
I took it with my shaking hands.
Christine clung onto Dane's arm as I opened it.
A paper was inside.
A letter.
The printing was messy.
I felt as if I was going to faint.
It's the same printing as the box from the summer.
A lump formed in my throat.
Goosebumps ran up my arms.

"Keith,
You have been being observed from time to time. I know more about you than you think, You have been watched more than you think
The dagger, where is it? I know you opened
it. You don't me but I do know you. We will meet soon"

"No..." I said softly.
"No" I said again, louder.
"What?" Christine said diressed, voice cracking.
I'm being watched.
Who is this?
Christine grabbed the letter from me.
"I'm calling the police!" She yelled.
"What is it?" Dane asked and took the letter.
I felt light headed.
My vision began to dot and blur.
"Keith?" Christine asked.
"Sit down, Please" She said and put her hands on my shoulders and sat me down on the couch.
The lump in my throat got larger and I felt my bottom lip begin to tremble, like it does when I'm about to cry.
"This is goddamn insane" Dane growled.
"Keith, Have you noticed anyone suspicious lately? Like anyone watching you?" Christine asked.
"No, Not that I've seen" I replied, choking back an ugly sob.
"Who's doing this-W-Why me? Why me of all people?" I cried.
Christine sat next to me and hugged me.
She cradled my head to her chest.
"Who's doing this? Why now?" I added.
"I will not have you going outside anymore! You will be staying here for a while. I know you're still on break but I will not have you leaving this house until further notice" Christine said.
"Chrissy, He's a senior. He can't miss school. Plus he has finals coming up!" Dane objected.
I started to cry.
Christine rubbed my back.
"School is no where as near as important as Keith's safety!" She yelled.
I let out an uncontrolled sob and she gave me a soft shh and hugged me tighter.
"What about Lance?" I managed to croak.
"What about him? This doesn't concern him. Keith, now is not the time" Dane scolded me.
"Dane! That's his boyfriend. He's allowed to be scared for his safety too!" Christine returned.
"What if they try to hurt him? I'm with him so much that whoever this is HAS to know who Lance is" I squeaked.
"They won't hurt him, They won't hurt you either" Christine said.
"Dane can you contact the police please?" She asked.
"Why get the police involved? It's just a letter" Dance said.
"It's a letter that threatens the safety of our son! This isn't something that can be looked over!" She shouted.
"Jesus Christ. You're overreacting" Dane scoffed.
"Who wrote it?" I asked.
"I-I don't know honey" Christine replied.
"They know me. They know where I live, they probably know where I go to school" I said.
"Can you get him some water please?" Christine asked Dane.
Dane mumbled a yup and I heard him scamper off to the kitchen.
"What's going on?" I heard Meenah say softly from upstairs.
"Adult stuff Meen, Go play for a bit" Christine said in her best tone to cover up her worry.
"Why is Keith crying?" She asked.
"Nothing that concerns you, Go play" Christine said again.
She didn't say anything else but I heard her door close.
"Here" I heard Dane say.
I lifted my head.
He held a cup of water out for me and I accepted with trembling hands.
"What do I say to the cops??" He asked.
"I-I don't know. Just explain the situation and see if they can send an officer over" She stuttered.
"I want Lance" I said, Voice nearly gone.
"I know you do honey, This isn't the time okay? Just leave him out of your mind for a bit" She said.
"Forget him Keith! This has absolutely nothing to do with him! Stop thinking about him for 5 seconds and think about this!" Dane snapped at me.
He has never snapped at me like this, ever.
"Dane!" Christine hissed at him.
I took a sip of the water and then just went back to crying like the pathetic little faggot that I am.
"He needs to understand that not everything is about Lance!" He yelled.
"You need some time away from him. It's been too much. You're getting way too infatuated" Dane yelled.
"Until this bullshit is cleared up, You will not be seeing Lance until further notice. He's a distraction" He added
I've never seen him like this.
I can't do that.
Go without Lance?
How am I going to fall asleep at night?
Who will rub my back as I fall asleep? Who will give me morning kisses?
Christine didn't argue.
She agreed.
Maybe this is the best decision after all?

The next week went by.
School has started back up and I wasn't there to see Lance, Hunk and Pidge.

The day I got the letter Christine and Dane argued for hours about me.
Christine wants me to be homeschooled now and Dane thinks she's blowing this all out of proportion.
I texted Lance and told him everything.
He said he wanted nothing more than to be with me at the time.
But he understood and like the angel he is; Respected Dane's wishes.

Christine went and finally picked up my first batch of anti-depressants that have been sitting at the pharmacy for weeks.

I have to take them in the morning.
And the next day when I did, I got sick almost instantly.
Everyone was gone and it was just me.
The house alarm was set and all the windows and doors were locked, blinds and curtains drawn.
I began to throw up and had a migraine for hours.

I was up all that night craving Lance's presence.
I wanted him to be there next to me, Kissing me everywhere and telling me how much he loves me.
I want him to hold me and rub my stomach.
My stomach is very upset now.
I've barley had anything to eat.
Dane called my doctor and said to just keep taking the pills until the symptoms wear off.

Days and days of throwing up everything I ate. Paired with migraines and spotted vision.
I didn't want to eat anymore.
So I stopped eating for a day so I ceased my vomiting.
When that batch of symptoms wore off I was so relieved.
Basically after those hell days I made up for all the meals I'd thrown up and wasn't able to eat.
The bags under my eyes got so bad even Cole pointed them out.
I'd been up all night for days. Worrying and every time I closed my eyes I was viciously attacked by thoughts and visions of whoever the letter writer was, kidnapping me and torturing me.
So I stayed up.
I didn't want to worry Lance so I didn't tell him.
My appetite had gone from one end of the spectrum to the other in just a few days.
From eating nothing, to eating everything in sight to fill my seemingly endless hunger.

I took long hour long showers every day and just ended up on the floor in a ball with my thoughts.

The withdrawal symptoms of being around Lance worsened.
I'd cry and couldn't even text him.
I'm a mess.
I've been moping around for days on end.
These pills are not doing anything but increase my appetite and make me even more sad.

I wore the same outfit for a week until Christine made me change.
A pair of sweatpants and a hoodie of Lance's.
That was the only thing keeping me sane, The scent of Lance.
My weight has increased even more but at this point I'm not even surprised, I don't care as long as I can just hide my body within Lance's sweet smelling clothes.
Lance was getting worried after 2 weeks of barely any word from me.
I feel like I'm trapped.
Trapped in the walls of my own house, fearing for whoever has been watching me.
Whenever I look in the mirror it just adds to my pain and suffering.
My eye bags are insane. This and how pale my skin has gotten.
I look sick.
I am sick.
My hair was already long but has gotten longer almost like a growth spurt.
It was so shaggy and messy.
I cut a bunch of it off this afternoon. It doesn't look bad.
Christine notice instantly and was mad I'd chopped the ends off my hair.
I'm having some kind of mental breakdown.
I can't cry anymore, I'm all cried out.
My mind is buzzing with jumbled up thoughts thanks to all the coffee I've been drinking.
I thought having all this time off school would be fun but Christ was I ever wrong.
Christine and Dane had no idea what to do at this point.
They don't want me going outside but they don't want to me to die in here.
The police are absolutely no help.
I could just rot away in my room and it wouldn't surprise them.
I'm sick.
Physically and mentally.
My eyes began to become bloodshot.
My fingers had become raw from all the picking I've been doing.
My weight has gone up more.
I'm numb.
The world feels dull.

The second letter came.
The police were called again right after.

It read:
"Where are you?
You can't possibly hide forever.
The world is waiting.
Come out, Keith"

No return address as usual.
My address wasn't even on it.
It just showed up blank at the door.

I was too drained to care.
I'm being stalked.
Wonderful.

The night terrors started.
Sure I've had them but not like this.
They're more realistic.
I've woken everyone up by screaming at the top of my lungs in the middle of the night.

Only moments after Christine got home from work today I had been looking at myself in my bedroom mirror for too long.
I'm a disgusting mess.
I punched my mirror multiple times with all of my might. The glass shattered and sprayed everywhere. My knuckles were bloody and full of shards.
Christine cried as she bandaged my new found hand wounds.
She picked the glass out with tweezers and I normally would of been grunting at the pain but I barely felt a thing.
She carefully made sure there was no more glass in my skin and washed my knuckles up and bandaged them up in long white bandages.
Dane and her cleaned up the mess of glass on my floor and threw out my broken mirror.

"You can't be doing that Keith" Christine said as I was getting into bed.
"I know" I mumbled.

My room has been cleaned top to bottom.
You'd think my room would be just as messy as my life?
Wrong.
My ocd won't allow it.

Christine considered letting me return to school before the second one arrived.
After it came.
Back to square one.

I'd missed my finals.
That was a week ago.

A police officer came to talk with me.
He asked me too many things that triggered me and I started crying.
That's how weak I've gotten.

Second week of February was when a light found its way into the dark abyss that has been my life.

Lance hasn't seen me for well over a month.
He'll probably want to break up with me on the spot.
I wouldn't want to deal with me either.

It was a Saturday night and Dane decided to let Lance stay over to spend time with me.
He thinks it will help.
It fucking better.

Lance is going to be here at 7.
I'm anxious, more than I have been.
I took my shower and actually combed my matted hair.
I put some checkered pj pants on, Lance won't care.
I'd put on a faded grey nirvana hoodie on.

"Thank you" I said to Dane at dinner.
"For what?" He asked.
"For letting Lance come" I replied.
"You deserve it" He smiled.

As soon a Christine opened the door and before Lance could even take his shoes off, I was on him within seconds. Hugging him tighter than I ever have before.
"I'll let you two be" Christine said and left the room, shutting the door behind Lance.
I started to cry once Lance's scent reached my nose.

"Hey, Hey it's okay. I'm here" He cooed as I stood on my tippy toes to throw my arms around his neck.
I almost knocked him over.
"I'm sorry" I cried.
"Shh" Lance said and hugged me back, putting his arms around my now larger waist.
"I'm here now Keith" He whispered and kissed my hair.
"I love you so much" He said.
A lump formed in my throat that I couldn't swallow it.
"Let me kiss you" He said.
Lance cupped my face and kissed me.
Lance squeezed me to tight I could barely breath.
"I cant believe it been over a month" I sobbed.
"I know, I know" He said.

He literally hugged for a solid 5 minutes.
Lance finally let go.
"You were crushing me" I chuckled.
That's the first time I've laughed in so long.
"Are you sick? You're not lookin so good" Lance frowned.
"Yeah, I haven't been doing so hot" I mumbled.
"You cut your hair" Lance mentioned.
"I did" I replied.
"It looks nice, I like it" He smiled.
"Can we just cuddle please? I've been so deprived of happiness and affection and I need you to hold me more than anything right now" I whimpered.
"You don't even have to ask Keith" Lance smiled again.
I gently look his hand and he shifted his bag over his shoulder and we went to my room.
I shut the door behind us and Lance set his bag down in it's usual corner.
I did have my blinds up today but I walked over and shut them again.
Lance sprawled out on my bed and I smiled.
I got onto my bed next to him and put my back to him.
"Why do you have your hoodie on? You've told me you hate cuddling with it on as you always say they're to bulky" Lance spoke up.
Hoodies are my go to when I'm sad.
"Mm" I mumbled and sat up and slid the pullover hoodie off which left me in just my t-shirt. I have worn short sleeves in weeks. This feels foreign.
My shirt underneath is just my iconic rainbow tye dye one. It's tighter on me now. It hugs me more and I don't like that.
"That's better huh?" Lance cooed.
I nodded.
I resumed to putting my back to his. Lance wrapped his arms around my waist.
He's so warm.
If he truly remembers my body from the last time we did this, he'll notice I've gotten bigger.
I just want to feel small.

"You don't know what's been going on have you?"
I asked him softly and turned around in his arms.
"Only partially" Lance said.
Lance was wearing acid wash jeans and a black star wars t-shirt.
It's a very soft shirt and I've never seen him wear it. It must be new.
I put my head to his chest and he rubbed my back.
"What happened here baby?" He asked and ran his thumb over my bandaged hand.
I pointed over to where my mirror used to be hanging up.
"Awe Keith" Lance said and hugged me.
"We'll figure this out" He added.
He kissed my knuckles.
"I haven't been doing well" I said, almost a whisper.
"I've noticed" Lance replied.
"Nothing has been going right. I got sick off my antidepressants for days and days and I could keep anything down. I was told to just wait the symptoms out. I stopped eating for almost 2 days and the vomiting stopped then I started eating everything in sight since I hadn't eaten a proper meal in so long.
The stress eating started again but worse this time.
I've been loosing sleep from the night terrors starting back up but they're so much worse Lance...they feel real. I've been waking up screaming and not having you here for that hasn't been fun.
I'm so lost. I need to get help" I cried.
Lance sniffled and tried his best not to cry for my sake.
He held me tight.
"I don't want to leave you again" He mumbled into my hair.
"I'm going to spend my time with you here and now. I'm going to make it worth it" He said.
"Just hold me for now, tell me you love me. I need it" I whined quietly.
Lance obeyed and let me lay on his left arm so his hand could be on my back. He let his other arm sit on my waist and he held me close.
"I want to put a smile between those chubby cheeks of yours" He said and kissed my forehead.
"You can try" I murmured.

I cherished the time Lance held me.
He rubbed my back and stroked my hair.
He made sure to kiss me lots on between.
I'm surprised he hasn't just dove right in and grabbed a big handful of my ass yet. Maybe he knows it not the time.
I breathed in his nice boyish scent.
I pressed my chest and stomach to his and draped my arm over his waist.
I'm just remembering when we first met and how skinny I was compared to Lance.
That seems like such a long time ago.
That was 7 months ago.
7 months.
How have I gotten to be such a big mess in just that amount of time.
I was happy.
I know that I for sure weigh more than Lance now.
Not a doubt.
That's not a good thing either!
He's 7 inches taller than I am.
In 7 months I've managed to gain 30 pounds all together.
All of this probably progressed not even for 7 months.
I didn't start gaining weight until about August. I stayed at that weight until just about a month ago.
I'm 30 pounds heavier than I was in June.
That's disgusting.
I'm not overweight but I sure feel like it.
I'm a "healthy weight" according to lots of bmi charts but I don't feel that way.
I went from being underweight to on the verge of being overweight.
I'd prefer going back to being underweight than being as heavy as I am now.

I expressed this to Lance with much hesitation.
We've talked so much about my weight.
So much.
As much as I hate talking about this, I think it helps me feel better sometimes.
Lance always has something nice to say to me.

"Just answer me! Do I weigh more than you now?" I whined to him.
"Stop! You're perfectly fine Keith and that doesn't matter!" Lance retorted.
"It does matter! If I'm at 145 right now and weigh more than my 6'1 and a half boyfriend, that's a big concern!" I shouted and crossed my arms.
We were sitting up now. My back was to Lance so he couldn't see my front.
"Just tell me Lance....It will help me" I said.
"How will it help you?" He asked.
"It'll let me know how much weight I have to lose" I grumbled.
"But you don't need too? You're not underweight anymore! You're at the literal perfect weight. Beyond perfect!" He exclaimed.
"Come here grumpy boy" Lance said in a baby voice and snaked his arms around my stomach and forcefully pulled me over to him.
"Ow!" I said.
He was pressing his hands into me too hard!
"I've got an entire armful of Keith now. That's all I need" He smiled and nuzzled his face into my neck.

He's not admitting that I've gained weight. Not really anyway.
I know he can tell. Lance isn't stupid.
Even before I brought it up I know he could tell.
I'm not the small little baby he learned to love anymore.

"We're the exact same weight Keith" Lance said after a few kisses.
"Oh" I said.
"I was exactly 115 only 7 months ago" I mumbled.
"Listen to me baby, I'm not overweight and you are not either" He said and kissed my nose.
"Please just listen to me. You are such an amazing, beautiful and strong person. Stop letting your weight control how you see yourself. It's just a number. It doesn't define you as a human. You are healthy and that's all that matters. Your body type is such a unique shape and it's so rare to see it on males. Please don't feel bad about gaining a little weight, It's not that big of a deal" Lance gushed.
He rubbed my side.
I'm starting to finally listen what he has to say.
"I'll admit: Your face does look a little sickly but your body looks great as per usual. Nice, round and soft" He added.
"I've missed you so much. Thank you" I said and finally turned around.
I stood on my knees and threw my arms around Lance's neck.
I cradled his face to my chest.
As I wrapped my arms around Keith's middle he shifted uncomfortably.
I got comfy and rested my hands on his body.
I noticed lots of changes with Keith as soon as I saw him.
He looks sick.
His face is so pale, gaunt and pasty, his eye bags are atrocious, he's gained a lot of weight and his big eyes are full of sadness and despair.
What's been going on in his head?

I'm going to try and not mention the weight directly to him, it makes him so uncomfortable so I'm not going to trigger that.
His body looks good though.
Maybe not his sick looking face but his body looks nice.
It's so much rounder than it was and that makes me happy.
I want Keith to be at a healthy weight, he was before but now it's just spot on perfect.
I'm just remembering how scrawny he used to be when we first met.
That wasn't a great sight but the way he is now is great.
He's nice and plump now.
So much than being so scarily skinny like was.
His stomach seems so much rounder, soft and plush.
I don't want his face to be all sad, It hurts me.
I want his face to go back to the round set, chubby-cheeked bright eyed angel that I know.
In no means am I calling Keith fat or overweight.
He comes nowhere near either of those.
He's just nice, round, chubby and plump now.

As we fell asleep that night Keith allowed me to rub his belly.
As weird as that is, It made him feel better since his stomach has been upset.
Stress to him causes his tummy to get upset which causes some bloating, I know this very well.
He was almost asleep, I can tell by his breathing. I slowly ran my hand up and down his pronounced stomach.
He seemed happy.
I kissed his neck a few times and squished his belly as I rubbed.

I'm only worried about this because I'm afraid people at school might call him out because he gained so much weight. I don't want that.
Keith is known for wearing crop tops and little shorts but I know he won't want to do that. Sure he'd look great but he probably wouldn't feel that way.
Would his tiny little shorts even fit him anymore??
At this point it's a mystery.
Considering how much weight he's gained a seriously doubt it.
30 pounds, Thats quite a lot of chub.

Soon enough Keith fell asleep.
My hands were still on his tummy when he entered dreamland.
Oh how I'd love to cover his middle in kisses right now.
Keith would squirm and giggle, just be adorable as always.
I agree that almost everything about Keith has gotten larger.
I've missed him so much. My body has been aching for his touch. Getting to rub his pudgy belly was a treat for me.
Soon Keith shifted a bit in my arms and turned to face me. He doesn't often do this.
He was still asleep, his eyes shut.
Keith wrapped his arms around my ribs and pressed his head to my chest. All subconsciously. He's asleep still.
He couldn't get as close as I liked as his tummy has gotten pretty big so he can't come as close as he used to. It truly is almost like he's pregnant. I can feel how warm and soft the bump of Keith's belly is. It's pressing against my stomach. I can feel his heartbeat through it.