Justin

I don't blame Addie's cousin for making that stinging remark.

Chemistry is a class that makes me nervous. Although the teachers have been made aware of my condition, Chem still gets to me – especially during the lab component. One seizure and I could be spilling a corrosive substance all over the person beside me or myself. That aside, nervousness is a major component that induces the seizures. Be it going in for an appointment or simply entering a class, if nervousness is involved, it's bound to happen to me.

What I'm basically saying is that Sophia Clarke has seen me have a partial seizure countless times. And each time, I have made the dreadful mistake of trying to talk back to her. I don't know why – where the tumour was and the scar tissue now resides in my brain is what causes the English malfunction; it's what prevents me from speaking.

The fact that epilepsy can snatch more than my licence from me pisses me off. Not being able to talk makes people think of me either as a rude guy or a total freak.

So it's no wonder that Sophia hates me.

When Mom picks me up from school later that day, I'm completely drained of any energy I had. And – surprise, surprise – it's not because of a seizure. What people don't understand is that the very essence of their judgemental emotions is enough to wear me down.

When we get home, I head straight for my bedroom, not wanting to get into a conversation with Mom and give her the daily update that would go something like, "Oh, on the plus side, I talked to Addie today and didn't have a seizure. But on the downside, her cousin hates me."

With my bedroom door closed, but not locked, I stare at my phone, wishing that Addie would text me. It's become a habit of ours. I know I said we didn't talk much, but we do text a lot. And I've come to enjoy it.

Sighing, I grab the book I've been reading for the past couple of days. For the past five years or so, books have been my only friends. I find the characters to be more relatable than actual people. They also never leave you behind; they're always there for you no matter what. 

Ten minutes later, my phone dings.

I'm really sorry about Soph during lunch. I don't know why she was acting like she was – usually she's really nice. Seriously, though, Justin. I'm so sorry.

Guilt spears through me. I should have stayed – Addie probably wanted to say that to me during lunch. But the aura invaded my stomach while she was talking to Sophia and I panicked. What I have with Addie, I don't want to lose, and when the aura hits, I can never be sure if I'm actually going to have a seizure or not. That's why I ran.

Lucky for me, I didn't have one.

Unlucky for me, I didn't spend as much time as I would've liked with Addie.

It's okay. I quickly type back.

While the message is labelled as "read," she doesn't reply to me.

Two minutes pass. Four minutes.

I begin to worry. Did I say the wrong thing?

And then my ringtone goes off.

It's Addie.

My stomach clenches in fear. Why is she calling me? Since when do people actually call each other? Shit.

But I suck up the questions and answer. "Hello?

"Hey," Addie replies. "I hope I'm not interrupting anything."

"No. I was just reading a book."

"I'm sorry about earlier, Justin."

Talk about getting right to the topic. It's odd, having someone apologize to me. Usually, I'm the one apologizing – saying how sorry I am for being a waste of space, of being incapable of doing things a normal human being does on a daily basis. But I can't say that I don't like it. It makes me feel like someone other than my mom actually cares about me.

Tired of holding my phone up to my ear, I put Addie on speaker phone and toss my iPhone onto the bed, laying down next to it.

"It's fine, Addie," I say.

"No." I can picture her shaking her head. "It's not okay. The comment Sophia made was rude and completely out of character – she's usually nicer. That was a bitchy thing to do."

I close my eyes and smile, holding back a laugh. Hearing Addie swear is something that's out of character. "Seriously, Addie, it's fine. I've got thick skin – she's going to have to do a lot more to hurt me."

"Oh," she says. "I just thought that...y'know...she did hurt you because you weren't there when I got back."

"Yeah, sorry about that. I needed to go talk to my Chem teacher about my grades. As you saw, I'm not doing good in that class." That's an understatement. I'm failing. Drastically. And I thought Chem 11 was hard.

Addie's silent on the other end for a few seconds. "I meant what I said; about helping you with Chemistry," she offers. "That happens to be the class I'm doing best in. If you want help, I'm here. No cost."

I consider my options. If Addie were to tutor me instead of Mom getting me a tutor, we wouldn't have to worry about money, which is something we're struggling with. But then again, she could find out the secret I want to keep her safe from, which would probably scare her away. My condition is a taboo everyone is afraid of.

Agreeing would also contradict who I am – I know better than to become friends with people because they always leave me behind.

But Addie...I can't help but categorize her differently than most people. The way she dragged Sophia, her own cousin, off to the side to scold her about what she said was intrepid.

I begin to do different calculations in my head about how to make this work. Addie could come to my house and I could make sure I take my meds a good hour before she arrives. I could also avoid coming in contact with any sugar and make sure I get the full eight hours of sleep I need.

Yeah, I think I can do this.

"You don't mind?" I wonder aloud.

"Not at all," Addie babbles. "Oh my gosh – this is going to be fun. You could come over after school or I could go to your place or we could go to Starbucks. Don't worry, McCallister – you're gonna pass this course with flying colours."

My smile broadens with her abundance of positivity. "Thanks."

"You're welcome!"

We lapse into a comfortable silence, and I take the time to picture what she's doing right now. In the background, I can hear the sound of pucks hitting the boards.

"Are you at a hockey game?" I ask.

"Yes," Addie replies. "In order to graduate, I need volunteer hours, so I keep score at my brothers' hockey games. It works out because Dad and Uncle Hart are their coaches, so I just get a ride with them. Although...the rides home make me want to vomit up my after-school snack. How have they not created some kind of technology that can rid hockey gear of its nasty scent?"

I reach for the book I was reading and inspect the cover, dragging my finger over the glossy letters. "You'd think they would, hey?"

"Definitely." Addie pauses. "So do you want to come to the Halloween party we were discussing at school? It's not a big one. Jacey, Nadira, and Sophia will be there, along with my Uncle Hart, Aunty Elle, grandparents, brothers, and Mom and Dad. Jake and Alex always have some friends over, too. It's not that big. But you and your mom are welcome to come."

I hesitate. Halloween's never been my thing. And although strobe lights and shit like that don't cause my seizures, they still bother me. I mentally sigh. Looks like I've fallen victim to the stereotypes that life tends to thrive on.

Just as I'm about to reply to Addie, Mom opens my bedroom door. I quickly look at her, and the question she had dissipates from her lips.

"Who are you talking to?" Mom asks, smiling coyly. "Who's making you smile? You haven't smiled like that in years."

Shit.

"Uh, a girl." Shit times two. I've probably just made Addie think she means nothing to me.

This catches Mom's interest. She leans in the doorway, arms crossed. "A girl?"

I clear my throat and nod. "Her name is Addie. She's trying to get me to come to a Halloween party that her and her family are having. You're invited, too." There's no point in trying to lie to my mom – last time I did that, I was in deep shit.

Mom's face instantly brightens. Though she knows I hate being social, she still takes any chance she has to get me out of the house. "That would be lovely! What's her address?"

Addie, who I momentarily forgot was on speaker phone recites her address, all while my cheeks burn. This is not what I wanted the first interaction between my mom and Addie to be like.

"Great," Mom smiles, winking at me. I roll my eyes and stifle a groan. "Can't wait to meet you, Adelaide."

I press my face into the pillows and groan aloud this time. Leave it to Mom to embarrass me.

"I'm just happy you're all coming," Addie replies, and I can hear the smile in her voice. "Oh crap – I have to go now. Jake and Alex just stepped onto the ice. Bye Justin and Mrs. McCallister!"

As soon as Addie has hung-up, I toss the pillow away. "Seriously, Mom? You know I'm not a fan of Halloween!"

Mom sits on the foot of my bed. Her apron is covered in flour and her cheeks are pink from the heat of the oven. She must be baking bread. "Honey, this is going to be good for you. You need to get out more."

Anger flares deep within my gut. I've had this conversation a million times with my mom and she just doesn't seem to understand it. Nobody does. The anxiety that comes along with having epilepsy is torture – especially when anxiety is what causes the seizures almost ninety per cent of the time. It's a chain reaction that I have no control over – it has control over me.

It's fucked-up.

But I don't get into the argument with her again. I'm in a good mood from talking to Addie, and I don't want to ruin it. So I just agree, all while wondering what the hell I'm going to do.

I do, however, like seeing my mom happy – she deserves to be happy after all the shit she's been through with Dad and her own family betraying her. Stupid fucks. My list of enemies is longer than my list of friends, and most of the names on that list are family members, my dad being number one. Saying I despise them is an understatement.

But the one thing that destroys me is that they still don't think they did anything to hurt me and my mom.

They overlook it like the elitists they are.

Mom reaches over and squeezes my hand. "Trust me, Justin. You're going to have a great time."

That's not what I'm worried about, but I nod my head. "I'm sure you're right, Mom. Maybe it was a good thing you walked in."

Mom laughs, getting to her feet. "Dinner will be ready within the next ten minutes. Come down then, okay?"

I nod, slouching against the pillows and thinking about what went on, what I agreed to. And then a thought occurs to me.

Just as Mom is in the doorway, I break the silence.

"Don't tell Addie what's wrong with me," I whisper loud enough for my mom to hear.

She freezes, looks over her shoulder, and gives me pained look. "You know I can't do that, Justin. Someone always needs to be aware of what's happening. If not, you could get hurt."

I squeeze my eyes shut. "Then tell her mom or dad, tell them both – just please do not tell her and make sure they don't tell her. It's the one thing I'm asking for, Mom. I don't want Addie to know."

Mom studies me for a moment. "You really like this girl, don't you?"

I nod my head even though it feels wrong. I should know better than to start falling for someone, trusting someone.

But something about Addie has enriched my curiosity.

She stood up for me, and then called to apologize for her cousin. She's offered to tutor me.

No one – even before I was diagnosed – has ever shown this much interest in me.

Mom sighs, tightening her greying ponytail. "Okay," she finally says. "But I need to tell her parents. It's hard for me to leave you alone, Justin, so knowing that someone knows and can help you always calms me."

I breathe a sigh of relief. "Thank you, Mom."

She leaves without another word, closing the bedroom door.

I stare at the popcorn ceiling and tentatively reach up to touch my scar.

As usual, I cringe at this shameful mark embedded into my scalp.

It's a reminder of what I've been through – things I wish I could forget. Things that have caused me to push people away because it's like once you've been hurt, you're terrified to get attached again. Like you have this fear that every person you start to like is going to somehow break your heart.

I push people away when all I really want is someone to hug me and tell me it's okay.