The hospital's roof was a massive garden that patients and visitors could explore for some sunshine and solace. However, on that day, the cold, drizzling weather meant no one was out for a stroll. The paths were deserted. Flowers and trees drooped under the weight of the relentless storm.

Eren was completely alone up here, with the world around him wet like his face and dreary like his heart.

As the rain cooled his cheeks and dampened his hair, he began to calm down. The miserable weather was welcoming, hiding his pain and washing away the salty heat of his tears. He walked through puddled pathways, meandering flowerbeds, and trickling fountains, until he came to a gazebo at the far end of the roof. In there, he could escape the rain, although he was drenched by the time he reached it.

Out here, all alone, no doctors or nurses or patients around, he sank to his knees as sobs wracked his body and sundered his soul.

It was all falling apart.

He was losing his mother.

The pain suffocated him with its intensity. He clutched his hands to his chest as if trying to pull himself back together, but how could he be strong when the woman who had always been his pillar of strength was slipping away from him?

Unlike his father, when it was over in a flash and there was nothing anyone could do, this time he had thought he could fight for his mother's life. He was sure he could save her in a way he had been unable to do as a child.

He thought he was strong enough!

Yet in the end, he couldn't save anyone.

Despite fighting doctors and medical insurance to get her treatment, despite selling everything he personally owned to cover the bills, despite working himself almost to death to pay for all of this ... he had failed.

Now, if he sold the house, maybe his mother would get the treatment she needed to pull through, but she would never smile like she did when she thought about returning to the house that had been so precious to her and her husband, or at least passing on that legacy to her son.

What was the use of a house if his mother was not there to hum in her garden and arrange flowers in the dining room?

On the other hand, what was the use of forcing his mother to live on if she was miserable that she could never go home and secretly hated Eren his whole life for selling that one place of joy?

Still ... Still ... even if she hated him, even if she cursed him for the rest of his life ... still...

"Eren?"

The voice cut through his grief like a razor blade. He leaped up, and a shiver rippled through his body at the soft, worried voice.

No! Not him! He was the last person Eren wanted to see.

Yet standing out in the rain was Jean, gazing worriedly at him as the pouring droplets soaked his clothes.

Jean walked toward him and Eren scuttled back. He tried to wipe away the tears, but they kept coming in a never-ending stream of anguish.

Jean stepped within the shelter of the gazebo with the rain drumming over their heads. "Everything is going to be okay."

"Shut up!" Eren screamed. "You ... You have no idea. No idea!"

"You're right, I don't," Jean admitted, "but getting upset like this, storming off on her, it isn't going to help."

"Nothing helps. Nothing I do!" he shrieked, his face contorting grotesquely in grief.

Jean paused and dropped his head. He really had no idea what to say. He had no idea what was going on besides that one word: cancer! How could anyone face that with the graceful poise of Carla Jaeger, and what child wouldn't break down like Eren?

He watched as Eren seemed to be in a slow motion crash before his eyes. He wavered on his feet, then dropped onto a bench, staring ahead blankly, only to slowly sink his head between his knees. Fresh tears tumbled down Eren's face and dropped straight to the wet ground below. After a few struggling sniffles, desperate not to give in to the pain, Eren took a deep, shivering breath.

Suddenly, he sat straight up and released an anguished scream. His voice echoed through the gazebo and seemed to pierce the storm itself.

Jean was shocked, but he also understood. He rushed forward and sat beside Eren, not even thinking as he wrapped his arms around the man.

"It's okay," he whispered soothingly. "Just breathe, nice and slow."

"No," Eren whispered, fearing that if he raised his voice, he might crack into another scream. "No, no, no, no..." He shuddered as he felt himself falling deeper into that yawning abyss. He began to gasp, as if simply breathing was now a struggle.

"Eren..."

"Go away," he hissed, his throat too tight to speak normally.

Eren leaped up and walked to the other side of the gazebo. He did not want Jean around, not when he was like this. He violently clutched at his hair as he kicked at the wrought-iron bench over and over again, until Jean feared he would break his toe.

Jean ran over to him, grabbed his shoulders, and yanked him back before Eren could kick again. "Calm down!"

Eren turned with a howl of rage and shoved Jean hard enough to send him stumbling right back out into the rain.

"Stay away from me, asshole. Just leave me alone."

Anger flashed in Jean's eyes as he gritted his teeth and spat back, "That's not happening, you bastard! I'm not leaving you like this. You aren't in your right mind. What if you do something really stupid, something that will make your mother cry? How could I face her and say I left you all alone?"

Eren's crying intensified as he screamed again in half-insane frustration. Jean scrambled back into the gazebo, tried to grab him, but Eren pushed him hard, trying to shove him out again. He felt like he was choking as pain burned in his throat.

"Dammit, you need to breathe slower or you'll pass out, and I ain't carrying your ass back inside."

"Get away from me." Veins popped up as his neck strained. "You don't care about me. No one does. Just leave me the hell alone."

"Fuck that!" Half in anger and half in worry, Jean grabbed Eren hard, crushing his arms flat against his torso and giving a tight squeeze that popped a bone in his spine.

"Let me go, bastard!"

"Not happening."

Eren struggled to break free, thrashing about, but Jean had his arms pinned against his body, and his taller frame worked to his advantage. Eren had been on the wrestling team and knew this hold. There was a way to break out of it, not with his weakened state and against a taller, heavier opponent.

"Let ... me ... go. Don't touch me. Don't..."

"Breathe," Jean said, his voice low and soothing.

At the words, Eren realized how dizzy he was getting. His breath shuddered as he inhaled deeply.

It hurts ... it really hurts!

Eren broke down completely, going limp in Jean's arms. He surrendered to the grief. The anger dissolved until nothing was left but intense pain.

Seeing Eren in such despair, broken and fragile, Jean could not help but feel sorry for him. Maybe they were rivals, maybe they hated each other's guts, but in this moment, Eren was just a son grieving for his mother.

That much, Jean could relate to. His mother's health had been poor all through his childhood, and there were plenty of moments when he feared he might lose her forever. During those darkest moments, he could run over to the Jaegers' house. Carla was there to hold him and let him cry, and Eren had always offered to play with a new toy or on a new video game, anything to cheer up Jean.

Now, Eren was all alone in this dilemma. His father was gone, his sister and best friend lived far away, no one was around to support him. How could he leave Eren when he was in such desperate need for support in this darkest hour?

"Eren..." Jean whispered.

Eren shook his head. "No ... no ... no..."

Jean looked around the dreary, wet garden as he felt a lump form in his throat. His oldest friend and worst rival was breaking apart in his arms, and Jean did not want anyone else to see Eren like this.

Eren suddenly gasped, stunned to find himself in an embrace. He tried to push Jean away, which only made his arms squeeze tighter.

"Shhh, shhh, it's gonna be okay," Jean whispered, rubbing along Eren's back, rocking him gently in a comforting manner.

It seemed to calm him down. "I can't ... I can't lose her," Eren finally managed to choke out, his voice thick with emotion.

"You're not going to. Don't lose hope yet. There's always hope."

Those words shook Eren to his core as he felt his eyes sting more, filling with another wave of tears. His heart burned, and his lungs felt ready to burst as the pain choked him. Instead of pushing Jean away, he found himself hitting his back in frustration.

"Dammit! Don't ... Don't..."

Eren's fists grew weaker as he eased into the warm embrace. His voice faded into a worn-out whisper. Even if the arms holding him were a man he despised, the embrace of another human made him feel warm ... safe. He did not want to be alone. God, he never wanted to be alone!

Eren buried his face in the crook of Jean's neck as his body shook with convulsive sobs. He gulped hard and spoke the next few words in no more than a whisper.

"Don't ... Don't leave me."

Jean's eyes widened, and his heart clenched. It surprised him to hear Eren say those words despite still hitting him with fists too weak to hurt. It pained Jean to realize that Eren had let go of his pride, just so he would stay by him.

"Idiot. I'm not going anywhere."

His grip tightened around Eren's shaking body. Eren grabbed onto Jean's shirt, clenching the fabric as he cried out his long-suppressed anguish. Jean's hand buried between the soft strands of hair, stroking Eren's head in slow, gentle petting.

Minutes passed with the patter of rain as the only sound between shivering sobs. Slowly, his cries eased into unsteady, heaving breaths as emotions wore out, too exhausted to sob anymore, the tears freely falling without stop. Eren stared out blankly at the sheets of rain that poured off the gazebo and curtained them off from the rest of the world.

It was like he was in another dimension, like a Star Trek mirror universe, and in this realm Jean was not a bully, but a friend.

* * *

1990 (Age 11)

"What do you think I'd be like in a mirror universe?"

Eren watched Jean jolt at the question. They had just watched a VHS tape of a Star Trek rerun. Mirror, Mirror had always been one of Eren's favorite Original Series episodes, and although Jean was not big into Star Trek, he still watched it with Eren.

Eren decided to start. "I think you'd have a goatee like Spock. You'd be super nice all the time, but also a coward."

"Are you saying I'm mean but brave?"

"Of course you're brave," Eren said, looking down at the Star Trek action figures they had been playing with before putting on the episode. "Oh, but you'd have a really pretty face, and not a horse face."

"Jerk! Well, you'd be super ugly, and mean, and girls would hate you. You'd also suck at sports."

Eren laughed at his insults. "That means you think I'm cute, nice, popular, and athletic."

"Well, that's true. Oh, but you'd be an awesome kisser."

Now Eren shoved him. "You ass."

Grisha called out from the couch, "Language, Eren."

"Sorry, Dad." He turned to Jean and whispered, "Don't talk about kissing in front of my dad. He'll think you're weird."

Grisha smiled to himself as he read the newspaper. "Oh, don't mind me."

"Let's go play in your room," Jean suggested.

Something stirred in Eren's heart. They gathered their toys into their arms and went upstairs. Eren could feel his cheeks getting warmer as he ascended the steps.

* * *

PRESENT DAY, 2003

Eren gasped as the flashback ended and he was back in the gazebo, wet and cold.

"Are you okay?"

He yanked away from Jean.

"Oh, but you'd be an awesome kisser."

What was up with that flashback? Hanging out with Jean? Watching Star Trek? Talking about kissing?

Hesitantly, Eren whispered, "Did ... Did we ever watch the Star Trek together?"

Jean laughed in nostalgia. "Boy, did we ever! I swear, I think you watched every episode a hundred times."

"What about the one with the mirror universe?"

"Oh, definitely! You used to watch that one or the episode with Sulu fencing every week." He eyed Eren, seeing flinches in his face. "Hey, are you okay?"

"I ... I remember..." He reached up and held his head.

"Whoa!" Jean grabbed his shoulders as Eren began to hunch over. "Don't start getting all weird on me. So you remember watching Star Trek. It's no big deal."

Eren burst out in a yell, "I don't remember watching anything with you. I don't remember hanging out, or eating together, or being anything but rivals. Suddenly, you come back into my life, and all these memories keep flashing into my head. It's like my whole childhood is being rewritten, and I don't even know which childhood is real. Now my mom is dying—"

"Don't say that!"

Eren screamed, "How much of her have I forgotten? How much of my Dad? When he died, did I only have half of the memories of him that I should? What happened to me?" he howled, clenching his hair and leaning over as he felt ready to vomit.

Jean pulled back, anguish on his face. Eren began to hyperventilate again, so Jean rubbed his back soothingly. Lowly, he whispered, "I knew ... you had forgotten stuff."

Eren's harsh breathing quieted just to hear him.

"At times, it seemed like you forgot everything, total amnesia, like in the movies, except you knew who people were. You just couldn't remember events, parties ... Halloween," he muttered. "Up until sixth grade, we were friends, we hung out all the time, we ... trusted each other," he muttered with sadness in his eyes. "We were closer than any other friendship I've ever had in my life."

Eren stared in confusion, and his eyes began to narrow. "We ... We really were friends? We'd watch TV and play with toys?"

"Yeah. I was jealous of how many toys you had."

"Mom said you'd eat at our house every week."

Jean burst out a laugh. "Practically every day!" As he saw Eren looking confused and distracted, Jean turned more serious. "Do you really not remember any of that?"

Eren shook his head. "What happened to me?"

Jean tightened his lips and shrugged. "In sixth grade, you were in the hospital for weeks."

"What? I don't remember that. What was it? A sickness? An accident?"

"I ... I didn't ask much," Jean mumbled. "I tried to eavesdrop on the adults, but ... well, a lot was going on at my house at the same time, so I didn't ask too many questions. You were gone, and then you came back, and ... and you weren't the same. Your parents sent you to therapists pretty much from sixth grade until I moved away. I'm guessing, after losing your dad, you kept seeing them."

Eren nodded slowly. He could not recall when he first began to see mental health therapists. At first he had been too young to understand who these nice people even were. As he became a teen, he began to understand. He did not know why he was seeing them, though. He thought it was simply a normal type of doctor everyone saw.

"I used to tease that you got your brains sucked out by aliens and refilled with tapioca pudding."

Eren pouted as he grumbled, "I remember that."

"Being a nerd, you remembered everything we learned in school, but events, vacations, even little things like what movies you watched, the games we used to play ... stupid things ... but important things. It was like you had no clue what we were talking about."

"If you knew I lost my memory, why didn't you say anything? Why didn't Mikasa, or Armin, or anyone else?"

"Your parents told us not to push the matter or it could be bad for your brain. If you couldn't remember something, we were to avoid talking about it. Personally, I think that was a bad call. We all forget parts of childhood as we grow up, but you forgot about being eleven ... when you were twelve."

Eren calmed down and stared out into the rain. "And you don't know why?"

Jean looked aside and muttered, "Like I said, I didn't ask too many questions. You and I were ... not on good terms by then." His face showed, this was an understatement. "We had a big fight."

"The school dance," Eren recalled.

"That was merely the first fight. Even though I tried to make up with you, it was like you forgot who I was. Who I really was. Like you were so mad at me in that moment, your brain decided to only remember the worst parts. It made me furious, and I kept thinking, how dare you forget me, but your parents wouldn't let me say anything. Your dad got mad when I tried. It didn't help that I became an asshole right around that time."

Eren snorted wryly and grumbled, "That, I remember."

"Look, I'm good friends with a psychologist. I'll tell him about you, see if he wants to take on your case pro bono. Or hell, I could pay him in beer for you."

"I don't need charity."

"Consider it compensation for years of fucking up your life. I'm probably a large reason why you need therapy anyway."

With a deep sigh, Eren sat upright and used his tie to wipe away tears. Jean yanked out a handkerchief from his pocket and handed it over. Eren mumbled a weak thanks as he used it to dry his eyes. However, tears continued to pour out, not with any force, just a steady and unending stream as years of pain drained from his heart.

He covered his mouth to hide his quivering lips and let out a frustrated, bitter laugh. "God, this is embarrassing. I'm pathetic. I can't stop crying." He hated feeling weak. Not like this. Not in front of this person.

Jean pulled Eren's hand away, but Eren yanked back, trying to look away. Jean grabbed both of his wet cheeks between his hands and made Eren look up at him.

"Then don't hold it in, you idiot. Let it all out, or it'll tear you apart. Your brain is already screwed up. Don't make it worse. And don't give up yet. I know you. You're too damn stubborn. You were never the type to give up, even when the whole world tried to beat you down."

"I think you mean when you would beat me down," Eren mumbled.

Jean realized he deserved that comment, because it was true. "We'll figure something out, so just ... have hope. You're a fighter, Eren." He felt awkward as he smiled. "That was the best thing about you. You never gave in." He felt a flinch of guilt as he knew what that also meant.

Eren had never passively allowed Jean to bully him. He had always fought back. It was one thing Jean admired so much about him, and why he liked to pick on Eren most of all. He saw in him an equal.

Eren's brows furrowed as his bloodshot, puffy eyes searched deep into Jean's light brown ones. Suddenly, Jean felt lost in those eyes, the way the tears glistened in the corners, the way his eyelashes clumped together, and the glisten of the gray sheets of rain in that vibrant, teal-green gaze. He couldn't help but stare in awe.

Were his eyes always this beautiful? Damn, those eyes are like drowning in a sea!

As warmth sank into his heart, his thumbs moved on their own, wiping Eren's tears away, caressing his moist cheekbones. His face had always looked so chubby and soft as a kid, but now ... Eren had very masculine features, yet still plenty of youth in them. His hair was getting really long, and Jean's fingers combed back some unruly wet strands.

Jean yanked his hands back and cleared his throat. Dammit, now he was the one feeling his heart shivering in an emotional mess!

Eren sniffled softly as Jean pulled himself away. His gaze never wavered, until Jean caught him staring.

Feeling awkward, he stuttered, "Wh-What? What is it?"

Eren stayed quiet for a few seconds before whispering, "I thought you were just a horse-faced bastard, but I guess there's a tiny bit of humanity in that rotten heart of yours."

Jean's eyebrow twitched. "Fuck you, you asshole! Shut up or I'll drop you off the edge of this building."

Eren snickered through his stuffed-up nose. "Idiot. You wouldn't do that."

"Would too!"

"You'd make my mother cry." Eren flashed him a grin. "I know you'd never do that, you liar."

Jean felt even more awkward when he saw that smile gleaming out from the gloom. He scowled and looked aside, giving Eren a pass this time but swearing in his heart that he would make him pay later.

"Feeling better?" Jean muttered.

"Not really, but calmer."

Jean snorted a laugh and shook his head. "You always did calm down around me, you big baby."

The memory from a few days ago flashed into Eren's mind: them playing soccer, him getting injured, Jean kissing his nose, and Mikasa telling the school nurse that Eren always calmed down around Jean. Did Jean still remember such a random moment? He glanced up, worried about that, but not daring to ask him.

"Are you going to be okay?" Jean asked with a note of real worry.

Eren's mind clashed between the Jean he remembered—a bully who called him names and got into fights with him all through school—and the Jean from these new memories, which felt more like the Jean standing before him now: someone who would still tease him, but who could hug him and worry about him when things went bad.

It really was like a mirror universe episode. Jean even had the goatee!

What happened to make Jean change into that nightmare school bully?

Eren wiped away the last of the tears onto Jean's handkerchief. With a tiny smirk of mischief, he blew his nose into it before handing it back.

Jean sneered in disgust. "You're so gross. Keep it. You might need it more today."

That was true. Eren doubted he had cried out the last of his tears. This was going to be a long, painful experience. He tried to force himself up. Right away, Jean was on his feet and offered his hand to help him. Eren stared at it for a few seconds, then reluctantly took it. As he pulled himself up, he realized one of his legs had gone numb, and it gave way under him, sending him staggering.

"Whoa, careful!"

Jean grabbed Eren before he could fall and pulled him up against his chest without thinking. Eren steadied himself by pressing his hands on Jean's shoulders.

"Stupid leg," he grumbled, hissing as the pins of needles spiked down his nerves. He looked up into Jean's face and muttered, "Thanks again."

Suddenly, Jean realized that Eren's face was very, very close. He could feel the breaths tickling the bottom of his lip. Their noses were mere inches apart. Then Eren gazed up, and his eyes locked with Jean's. Those oceanic teal eyes wanted to suck him into their watery depths and drown him.

Jean gulped hard and choked out, "Uh ... y-yeah, just wanna make sure you don't fall." As quickly as possible, Jean yanked back and turned away.

Eren also looked aside, upset that he had to rely on Jean this much. How pathetic! Jean was probably going to tease him about this for months.

Quietly, Eren said, "Can I ask something?"

The gentle voice made Jean's heart pound, and he almost leaped in panic. "Wh-What?"

Questions had swarmed into Eren's mind amid all the dark fears, questions that were inconsequential in the face of sending his mother into hospice, but now they were allowed to surface.

"Why did you follow me here? And how did you know what flowers to buy? Did you know my mom was here? Have you been visiting her?"

"I knew those were her favorite flowers. She grew them all the time. As for the rest..." Jean felt like he needed a break from the awkwardness, so he put his hands on Eren's shoulders and whirled him around toward the garden's entrance. "That doesn't matter at the moment. Now, go to your mother. She needs you."

"But..."

"No buts! Go." Jean gave him a shove, and Eren stumbled out into the pouring rain.

Eren steadied himself and turned back around to the gazebo. "Fine, but don't expect me to thank you for this, horse-face."

Jean retorted back, "I wasn't expecting you to, little Jaeger."

Eren cracked a brief smile at their old, comfortable teases. He began to walk away, but Jean suddenly bolted forward.

"Hey, Eren!" he shouted out through the storm.

Eren turned around, getting soaked in the rain.

"You're gonna be okay," Jean said with a smile of encouragement. "You're a survivor. You're gonna make it."

Eren arched his eyebrow up high. "Did you just quote Destiny's Child?"

Jean's face burst out red. "So what! I like that song. Beyoncé is cool. Got a problem with that?"

Eren chuckled to himself and shook his head. "Maybe I need to listen to that song more." Then he turned to walk through the meandering garden path to the doors.

Jean stayed in the gazebo as a hazy gray curtain of rain separated them. Eren briefly turned around at the door, gave Jean one last smile of thanks, and went back inside the hospital.

As soon as Eren was out of sight, Jean released a breath he did not know he had been holding. His hand wiped over his mouth and he swallowed as a strange feeling coursed through him. Then his hand drifted down, and he rubbed over his chest. It felt like something was nudging at his heart, a strange sensation that pricked at an old, dark scar.

What the hell just happened? Did we just have 'a moment'? God, no! But those eyes ... those fucking eyes! That lucky bastard always did have good looks. What the hell am I even saying?

The rain made him shiver as he raced inside. Rather than going back to Carla's room, he took the elevator to the ground floor and went back to his car.

It had been a long day, so rather than see about joining up with his co-workers in drinking, he decided to head straight home. The rain was not helping his feelings as he sat in traffic, too flustered to yell at bad drivers.

He just wanted that day to end, and he prayed that Eren would not misunderstand him. He still hated Eren, still felt he had almost destroyed his life, but he lost any desire to pester him, not after what he learned about his mother.

He had hated Eren for many reasons, but mostly jealousy, thinking Eren had a charmed life with a perfect family and rich parents.

Now, his father was dead and his mother...

"Dammit," Jean whispered, feeling like he too was losing someone close.

While Eren's young life might have been happy, his adult life was a living hell. All that work he had piled upon himself, driven to work harder, fueled on pure caffeine, stressing himself out to the point of physical exhaustion, risking his own health, yet still spending his evenings with his mother, all on top of a two-hour commute by bus ... Eren was pushing himself toward an early grave, all for the sake of taking care of his mother.

Jean realized how much of an asshole he had been over the past month, all while Eren was suffering silently. If he had not followed Eren that day, then come Monday he might have teased Eren like usual, telling him that he looked like crap and should drop dead at home to free up his spot in the company.

And if he hadn't been there today, how would Eren have managed to go through all of that alone?

Seriously, he had no idea what Eren was dealing with. Jean grimaced with a sinking feeling of guilt, because deep down inside, he knew that this shouldn't be an excuse for his behavior.

He wanted to make up for it. Somehow...

He thought he knew of a way. It was a long-shot, but maybe ... hell, anything was better than giving up.

As he thought about what he could do to help Eren, Jean felt the same prickling in his heart, a sensation that worried him. He tried to ignore it, shoving it down.

You're just going to help Carla out. It's for her, not him. She was cool, and Eren was an ass. I'm doing it for Carla! For Carla!

# # #

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https://youtu.be/YCYaALgW80c

Stay was a 1992 hit by Shakespears Sister. It was one of my first favorite "serious songs" as a kid, my introduction to gothic pop, and the video inspired my budding storytelling interest. It's a whole sci-fi love story, a battle between life and death, emotional and terrifying, all created in under four minutes. I cannot say enough how that video influenced me as a kid, an example of how to create a complex universe with so little.

(BTW - Have you noticed that all of my chapter titles are song lyrics? The line from Stay "When your pride is on the floor / I'll make you beg for more" inspired this chapter's name, while the chorus repeating "Stay with me" became the title for this story.)

Mirror, Mirror was the 4th episode of the 2nd season of Star Trek. It introduced the idea of the Mirror Universe with its fascist Terran Empire, a plot device which would shape the entire franchise, as well as serving as the Trope Codifier for using a "Beard of Evil" to signify someone is an evil twin.

Jean quotes Destiny Child's song Survivor, which came out in April 2001, two years before Beyoncé went off on her solo career. In fact, this scene occurs just one month before her first solo album, Dangerously in Love. Jean has a small crush on Beyoncé. (Don't we all!) Oh my God, I can't believe "Survivor" came out 23 years ago. I'm getting old.

https://youtu.be/Wmc8bQoL-J0