TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!

I wake up and all I can see is white light. It's hurting my eyes and I have a major headache. I slowly open my eyes all the way and turn my head to the side to see where I am.

The room has plain white walls and two chairs in each corner. There's a small table in one corner and I see a swivel chair next to my bed.

Fuck.

I'm in the hospital.

I look around some more. I have needles inside of me in different places. I'm hooked up to some weird machine and I have a monitor next to me.

Am I dead?

I take one big, long breath in and let it out.

Nope. Not dead.

The door opens and I see figures walk in. Mikey, Calum, Ashton, and Luke. A man in a white coat follows behind.

Once they all pile in the man shuts the door. I look over at the boys and their eyes are all puffy and their hair is a complete mess. Luke doesn't even have is lip ring in.

Did I cause this?

They see me awake and rush towards my bed.

"Hey. How are you?" Calum says weakly.
"I'm okay. You sound like you haven't gotten much sleep." I say.
"We've been worried sick."

They all nod and Luke gives me a faint smile. I smile back and sink into the pillows on my bed. It's not the comfiest, but it's not like I can go home.

The doctor comes over to me and sits in the swivel chair.

"Hello, Emeree. I'm Doctor Nickelson."
"Hi."
"It appears you have lost a lot of blood and have been sleeping for quite a while."
"How long is a while?"
"Three days." Ashton whispers.

Three days?!

Three damn days!

"Yes. Sweetie, I'm afraid you are going to have to stay here for a few more days so we can check on you. After that you are free to go home with these lovely gentleman." He says reassuringly.

I nod and he writes some things down on a clipboard.

"Do you mind if I ask you some questions?" He asks.
"Ask away."
"Great. So are you hungry?"

---

After Doctor Nickelson asked me about a million questions he finally left so me and the guys could talk.

I hated the questions, but I had to put up with it. Some of them were pretty stupid.

Are you hungry?
Are you sad?
Are you depressed?
Are you tired?
Why did you decide to self harm?

Simple. He shouldn't have asked though. It's personal and it hurts to think about my parents dying. Who would want to think about their parents dying either?

"Emeree?" Michael asks breaking my train of thought.
"Yes?"
"W-why w-ould you w-want to do t-this to your-rself-f?" He chokes.
"Michael ..." I sigh. "You wouldn't understand. Please drop it."
"No. Tell me. I've lived with this and don't say that they weren't my family because they were just as much my family as they were yours." He says. "I haven't cut myself. So why do you have to?"
"It hurts to much. A-and when I cut I-I feel a sense of security. You have control. You choose to press hard and die or to just do it to relieve the pain." I choke. "E-ever since they died I've felt a giant hole inside of my heart. I-I've felt so empty and it pains me. It physically hurts to think about them."

By now I'm crying.

"Michael, when I cut it hurts. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I regret it. It leaves the ugliest scars, but it helps me remember I can feel. It helps me remember that I'm alive. I-I'm so numb right now. I've b-been so numb since I got that fucking phone call." I say sobbing.

I look up at Mikey and silent tears stream down his face.

"Have you ever thought about what it might feel like to live in a world without you too, Em? Fuck, it hurts to even think about it. Did you at least write a note for each of us?" He cries.

He's right. What would he do with someone else dead in his life?

Maybe I do need to stop.

But once you start it's so hard to stop. It's the best pain reliever I've ever had.

Drugs just make me more numb than I already am. I feel blurry. Like I'm just a blob.

When I cut, I feel this pain and it helps me remember that I'm alive and that I'm not a ghost. 

It helps me feel again.

It helps my world feel not as numb.

But, maybe Michael is right.

Maybe I should stop. I mean Ashton stopped.

Why did he ever start anyway?

I cried. I guess this means I'm not soulless right? Lolz. So I've got a new fan fic coming soon called Separation ...

I still want u to vote if u think Arzaylea is an avocado!

Lots of love! ❤️🦄🎧