everyone drop a good luck for @nourinetomlinson here pls !! good luck on ur exams bestie xx

Louis doesn't sleep at all that night.

He takes his meds, but they don't work. He takes some melatonin he found in the washroom, but that doesn't work either. He tries a breathing exercise Miriam taught him for anxiety, and lays flat on his back and tries to relax his entire body, and even sticks some crystal Fizzy gave him that's supposed to "repel negative energy" underneath his pillow. Literally nothing works.

He doesn't think he's ever been down this bad before. After hours of trying to sleep, he ends up in the lounge, doing laundry like he always does to try and distract himself. Not even that works. He picks up one of Gracie's little dresses, and starts to think about how he yelled at her, so. Laundry is out too.

Sitting on the sofa in the lounge, staring down at Gracie's dress, he thinks about his dad. Which, usually he really tries to regress, and not think about, but it's bubbling up and making him feel a little nauseous. He thinks about his dad yelling at his mum the same way he did to Harry, always searching for the thing that would hurt her most. He can't believe he stooped down to that level.

Louis sighs shakily, burying his face in his hands. He doesn't cry, though. He can't bring himself to. He doesn't even deserve to pity himself like that. It's his fault that Harry and Gracie aren't there.

In this moment, he gets a bitter taste of what it would have been like if they had actually gone through with a divorce. It makes him feel sicker.

"Holy shit," Louis mutters to himself, standing up off the couch quickly and shaking his head. He can't let himself get into a dark place like that. It never helps. He runs his hands through his hair, most definitely messy and all over the place.

Shakily, he forces himself to walk to the kitchen, flipping on the light. The song lyrics are still laying on the kitchen table. He stares at them for a moment. He wonders if Harry even looked at the nice ones. He wonders if he even saw Gold Rush. Not that that matters, or makes up for the others.

Maybe some tea would come his nerves. It's four in the morning. He's definitely not going to sleep at this point. He shuffles towards the cabinet to get the teabags, his eyes catching a crayon-scribbled paper hung up on the fridge.

"My daddy is my hero. He takes care of everyone. He's really funny. He plays football and guitar. He's my best friend."

Louis swallows thickly. He supposes he really hasn't lived up to Gracie's expectations. He can't help it, he starts to breathe a little more heavily staring at that picture. Fuck. He stares at it for a moment before slowly sinking to the kitchen floor, burying his face in his hands.

♛

7:34

Louis: H. I'm so fucking sorry.

7:42

Louis: I don't know what to do

7:48

Louis: You not answering makes me nervous

7:53

Louis: Just tell me you and Gracie are ok and I'll stop

7:58

Harry: Gracie and I are fine.

That should settle a bit of the anxiety in the pit of Louis' stomach, but it doesn't. He feels deadweight laying in his bed, still unable to sleep. Now that he knows Harry and Gracie are okay, he picks up his phone and calls the other manager at the construction site.

"Lou, what's up?"

"Hey, um, I can't come in today," He mutters. He tries his best to sound normal, but he's not sure it works. "Sorry for the short notice."

"No problem, mate. You alright, though? You sound kinda...weird."

Louis clears his throat, sitting up a little so his voice doesn't sound as muffled. "Yeah, I'm fine. Just a little under the weather. Wouldn't wanna get anyone else sick."

"Right. Yeah, okay, just let me know tomorrow if you're coming in or not, okay?"

"Got it. Thanks, Z," Louis hangs up and lays back down. He sighs softly, closing his eyes and thinking maybe he can finally get some sleep. Wishful thinking.

He lays there for a while, trying to fall asleep until the door swings open, and he jumps. "Fuck," He curses, looking up to see Lottie standing there. "Christ, Lottie, almost shit my pants."

"Had to make sure you were alright," She huffs, tucking back a strand of hair that had fallen out of her bun. "Harry told me Zayn called him and said you didn't sound too good."

Harry had sent Lottie to check up on him. At least it shows that he still cares. Louis rubs his eyes. "Yeah, 'm fine, just not feeling great."

Lottie walks further into the room, plopping down at the end of the bed. "You piss Harry off?"

Louis sits up again, running a hand over his face. "Yeah, think so," Which, is difficult to admit out loud. It isn't easy to piss Harry off. "He took Gracie and left for Anne's. Which, we already know how she feels about me, so she's probably indoctrinating him into hating me too."

"Louis," Lottie laughs softly, shaking her head. "He probably just needs to blow off some steam, he doesn't hate you."

"I know," Louis says quietly, even though that's what it feels like. That's what his mind is telling him.

"You overthink too much," Lottie says. She stands up off the bed and starts to pick up some of Louis' dirty clothes off the floor.

"Great observation," Louis mutters, laying back into the pillow. Lottie grabs his arms and pulls him up, and he whines. "Can you just let me wallow in peace?"

"Nope," Lottie yanks him out of the bed. Louis pouts, but he obeys, standing up off the bed. Lottie starts to make it for him, lifting his pillow and seeing the crystal Fizzy gave him. "Y've gotta be fucking kidding me."

"Fiz said it wards off negative energy," Louis shrugs.

"You're a twenty-seven year old man," Lottie scoffs, setting the purple crystal down on the bedside table. "And Fizzy is a wannabe witch."

Louis pouts as Lottie makes the bed. "You don't have to do this, Lots," He sighs softly. "You can leave, 's okay."

"And just let you sulk in bed all day? Not happening," She says, straightening out the duvet. "Get some clothes and get dressed. We're getting you out of the house."

"And doing what?" Louis asks, rubbing his eyes.

"Anything," She says, dropping his pillow back to the bed. "Laying in bed and hiding from the world is just going to make you feel worse. Wanna go to Starbucks? I'll buy you coffee."

Louis sighs in defeat. "Sure," He says after a moment. He feels as though his twenty-one year old sister shouldn't have to take care of him like this. He should be able to do it himself. That just makes him feel worse. He turns around and pulls some clothes out of his wardrobe.

♛

"See, isn't it nice to get out of the house?" Lottie asks, handing Louis his cuppa from the Starbucks drive-thru.

"No," Louis grumbles, taking his coffee. Lottie sighs, putting her own drink in her cup holder. Instead of pulling out of the lot, she parks in a space, sitting back and looking over at Louis.

"Louis," She says gently. Louis doesn't look at her. "Whatever you did, it can not constitute you being this miserable. Just apologise."

Louis keeps his eyes ahead of him, his coffee clenched in his hands. He doesn't say anything, though, just tries to compartmentalise all of his feelings. "Has Mum ever told you about my dad?" He whispers.

Lottie frowns, eyebrows furrowing. "No."

"He used to hit us," He says, eyes dropping to the cup of coffee in his hands. It's not going to be as good as Harry's, but he takes a small sip before continuing anyways. "He lost his temper way too easily, and was always screaming at both of us."

"What?" Lottie chokes out.

"I remember all of it," He says softly. "Everything. And I was only five. He would always find something that he knew would hurt her. And I..." He takes a deep breath. "I almost blamed Harry for having a miscarriage."

Lottie is quiet for a moment, like she's trying to figure out what to say. "Do you blame him?"

"Not at all," Louis says quickly, his tone maybe a little harsher than he meant it to be. That just proves his point. He sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I'm sorry. I don't know why I do that. Why I get so defensive."

"Maybe you should see someone," Lottie suggests gently.

"I already see someone," Louis replies.

"Louis, that's a marriage counsellor," Lottie says. "I'm talking about someone for just you to go to. You can't use your couples therapist as your own personal therapist. That's not fair to Harry."

Louis swallows thickly, looking out the window. "I don't know why I can't just be normal," He says softly. "Why I have to get so defensive, and dwell on things for so long."

"Seeing someone would help you figure that out," Lottie points out. "Your meds have definitely helped some, yeah?" Louis sighs, but he nods. "See what getting help gets you? I just think it's worth looking into. For your sake, and for Harry and Gracie's."

Louis winces when she mentions Harry and Gracie, the guilt over the fact that he hurt them so bad creeping in again. He takes another sip of his coffee and says, "Maybe."

After a while, the cold weather gets to be too much for them, even with the heat of the car. Lottie drops him off back at the house when they're done talking, and Louis finishes his coffee before flopping back on the sofa. The laundry still sits there, unfolded. He can't bring himself to do it, or anything except sit there and stare at it.

There's a knock on the door after a little while. Maybe Lottie came back to tell him how to live his life some more. Sighing, Louis gets up off the couch and trudges over to the front door, pulling it open.

Harry is standing there, in the same clothes as yesterday, his jacket on top. He looks beautiful, of course, but also so tired. Louis blinks at him. "C'mon, we've got an appointment with Miriam in twenty," He says.

"I-What?" Louis stutters.

"We're going to get this sorted, c'mon," Harry says, his voice flat. Louis frowns.

"Harry, we can sort this out ourselves," Louis argues weakly, but he shuts up when Harry meets his eyes.

"I won't be able to handle it if you say something like that to me again," He admits, tone a bit quieter than it was before. Louis feels an ache in his chest. Silently, he grabs his jacket off the coat hook and slips it on, following Harry out to the car.

He almost offers to drive, but Harry doesn't seem like he wants to be helped right now, so he stays silent and climbs into the passenger's seat. The radio is playing some soft, acoustic station. It doesn't do a great job of soothing him.

They drive in silence. Louis wants to say something to him, because the quiet is absolutely killing him, but every time he looks up at Harry, and sees how sad and tired he looks, it shuts him right up.

They finally get to the counselling office. Louis follows behind Harry, feeling a little relieved when the receptionist tells them Miriam is ready and waiting for them. He couldn't bare to sit in the waiting room, another few minutes of silence might kill him.

"Okay, it's never good when a client needs an emergency appointment," Miriam says as soon as they walk into the office. Harry sits right down on the sofa, crossing his arms.

"We need to argue," He says, voice a little hoarse. "But whenever we do, we just go around in circles. So. We need you here to supervise."

Miriam raises her eyebrows. "Okay," She nods. Louis, reluctantly, sits on the other side of the couch. "Could I...maybe get some context?"

"I wrote a few songs," Louis admits quietly, looking down at his lap. "With...Taylor Swift. She's a friend of ours."

Miriam blinks. "Okay, I'm going to try my best to move passed that."

"Harry told her I applied to uni and I wanted to write, so she invited me to write some songs with her," Louis can feel Harry's eyes searing into him. "So...I wrote some. Five. And two of them were about when Harry and I's relationship was...bad."

"Ah," Miriam nods slowly. "And you didn't like that, Harry?"

Harry takes a slow, deep breath, trying to find what he wants to say. "No," He says after a moment. "I didn't like that. I got upset over it, and maybe overreacted a little. I've...pretty much gotten over that part of it. But Louis...Louis came back harder. And he...implied...that the miscarriage was my fault."

Miriam looks over at Louis. "I did, but I didn't mean it," He says quickly. "Haz, I've never felt so bad about anything in my life. I swear. I really didn't mean it."

"Then why did you say it?" Miriam asks.

"I don't know," He groans, leaning his head back. "I was just frustrated, and I guess I was looking for the most hurtful thing I could say. But I didn't mean it."

"Why do you always do that?" Harry asks softly. Louis sighs, running a hand over his face.

"I don't know," He admits quietly. "I don't know why I always do that."

"Do you think maybe you get a little too defensive?" Miriam asks gently. "Because you feel like you need to protect yourself?"

"Okay, no," Harry interrupts. Miriam blinks, surprised. "This isn't going to be another therapy session for Louis. Our whole relationship always has to be about him, and his issues, and why he feels how he does-" Harry gets a little choked up. He takes a deep breath before continuing. "When I'm the one who's feelings are hurt. I'm not letting my feelings be overpowered, and I'm not letting you enable it anymore."

Miriam leans back in her chair, considering it for a moment. "You're right," She admits, nodding. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be focusing on Louis so much," Harry sniffles, leaning back in the sofa and looking down at his lap, like he's embarrassed of his outburst. "Do you feel like Louis is the main focus of your relationship a lot of the time?"

"Yes," Harry says, without a bit of hesitation. "And I don't...really mind it. But I'm really struggling right now, and the last thing I needed was someone blaming me for something I already beat myself up over everyday," His bottom lip trembles, and he won't meet Miriam's eyes. "But he's the one everyone's checking in on."

Louis stays silent. He feels nauseous. "I didn't ask anyone to check in on me," He grumbles. Harry sighs, wiping his eyes. "Don't you think I was a little upset over you taking my daughter and leaving?"

"You blamed me for killing our baby!" Harry raises his voice a little. "It's not enough for you to constantly make me feel bad for working too much six months ago?"

"Because it was fucking horrible!" Louis argues. "Do you know how terrible it is for a kid to only have one parent around all the time? I do. And I was angry Gracie had to experience that too."

"I never left," Harry huffs.

"It felt like you did," Louis says. Harry presses his lips together, obviously emotional. "Do you know how fucking lonely I was for two years?"

"Louis, we had no money before I started working, and you know that," Harry says shakily. "I needed to."

"I would've rather had no money if it meant having you instead," Louis replies.

"That's unrealistic!" Harry exclaims. "That's setting our family up for failure! You don't think it killed me, coming home most nights to find you were already asleep? You don't think that destroyed me, that I was lonely too? That I didn't beat myself up everyday for not being able to be with you?" Louis looks away, to the floor. "I made a huge fucking sacrifice for you and Gracie, and all you do is bitch and moan about how lonely you were?"

"You're mad because I'm telling you how shitty it was not having you around?" Louis scoffs.

"Louis, you know that's not what he's saying," Miriam interrupts. "I think we're moving in circles here a little bit."

"That's all we fucking do," Louis runs a hand over his face.

"I've gone two and a half years feeling guilty because of how much I worked, and part of that is you constantly bringing it up. I was always the first one to apologise to you for hurting your feelings. "Harry admits softly. "I think about it everyday, how much I hurt you."

"You can't forgive yourself because Louis hasn't forgiven you yet," Miriam says gently. Louis looks over at Harry, seeing how somber he looks, and deflates a little.

"I forgive you," He says quietly. Because, looking at Harry in this moment, and how sad he looks, completely erases how angry he is. "I mean it. That shit...doesn't matter to me anymore. Not if it hurts you that much."

"Growth. Love to see it," Miriam nods, grinning.

"Are you sure?" Harry asks softly. "Because I'm sick of being the bad guy here."

"If anyone's the bad guy, it's me," Louis assures.

"Okay, there is no bad guy," Miriam corrects. "You're both very good guys who just do bad things sometimes. That's literally a majority of the entire human race. Now, I'd like to hear more about these songs, please."

"Okay," Louis sighs. "Um. I write five songs. Two were about how bad our relationship used to be, two about how good our relationship is now, and one was about...Haz. And his mental health."

"And those first two were the ones that upset you?" Miriam clarifies. Harry nods sheepishly. "Why?"

"I guess I just got upset that he was bringing it up again," He admits softly. Miriam nods. "And...the fact that Taylor's pretty popular, so there'd be, like, thousands of people listening to songs my husband wrote about how shitty I treated him."

"Understandable," Miriam nods. "And how did you initially react?"

"I...told him I didn't like that he did that," Harry replies. "And I could have said it in a better way, but I've been hormonal. And sad. And it honestly just pushed me over the edge."

"And do you think there was a better way you could have reacted?" Miriam asks.

"Yeah," Harry nods. "I could've been a little less...reactive."

"So next time he does something to upset you, I want you to keep that in mind, okay?" She says, and Harry nods again. She looks over to Louis. "You realise what you said really hurt Harry's feelings."

"Yeah," Louis sighs softly. "And I feel horrible."

"And you're not going to do that again, I hope," Miriam says. "You're going to remember how much it hurt him."

"Definitely," Louis nods. "I, um. My sister, she mentioned she thinks I should see my own therapist. Not a couples one."

"I think that'd be good," Miriam gives him a small smile. "It'd be good for you, and it would make these appointments more successful as well. I can refer you to someone I know, if you'd like."

"Okay," Louis nods, solemn.

"Harry, maybe you should look into it too," Miriam says. Harry frowns, looking down at his lap. "You're clearly struggling, and I think it would be good for you to have someone to talk to."

Harry sniffles, swallowing thickly. "Okay," He whispers. Louis looks over at him, and Harry looks back, biting his bottom lip before looking back to his lap. Louis knows this isn't going to be fixed that easily.

ok thoughts?? i'm not loving this chapter but idk lmk what you think

also any suggestions to add to my state of grace Spotify playlist?? (if you want to listen you can find it @heartfullofharry on Spotify!)