Jensen

FINN: Caroline sighted at The 365 Diner this afternoon. And she was looking FINE.

CHARLIE: Time has been kind to her.

VIVI: Seriously. Let it go. No one cares anymore.

SUTTON: Second that.

JJ: Third it.

SULLY: When did we ever care?

I groan as I read through the sibling text chat. It's been a few weeks and they're still talking about my ex-girlfriend's reappearance like it's some big news. I'm over it.

At least I've avoided running into her since that morning with Teddy. Mostly because I barely go into town anymore. I've become a bit of a hermit, avoiding any and every one whenever possible.

I even chose the most remote part of the farm to work all by myself. This decrepit fence has been on my To Do list for years, but it's never been a priority. I must admit it's been a bit cathartic working on it, the manual labor a healthy place for my anger.

Yesterday when I sat at my desk, my office felt more like a prison. The air was stuffy. I needed out before I suffocated. So I strode into Rylie's office and informed her of my new work schedule and just left. It was that easy. Why hadn't I done it years ago?

I didn't stop to think any further than grabbing the supplies I'd need. When I saw Teddy walking through the tall grass toward me, I realized it was the first time I'd even paused to think about anything other than the work. I'd completely lost track of time; and it felt good.

What didn't feel good, however, was seeing my girlfriend cry, especially since I'm the reason for the tears.

I know I've been extra moody lately. Probably not the most fun guy to be around. I can barely stand to be around myself most of the time. But it wasn't until I saw the tears falling down her cheeks and she was backing away from me that it really hit me.

I stewed by myself in my empty apartment last night. Pissed at myself. Pissed at my dad. Pissed at Caroline for having the nerve to show her face after all these years. And even pissed at Teddy for just walking out on me, even when I know that's not exactly fair or true.

I stare at my phone, debating whether I should text her. I haven't seen her since she walked away from me in this very spot yesterday, and I miss her. I've been missing her, if I'm honest.

The words she said yesterday have been rolling around in my head.

The only thing wrong with me is you.

Fuck, I'm an ass. I've been stuck in my head, unable to pull myself together, and she's been there. Patient and understanding. And concerned. She's been concerned. But I keep avoiding it all. Everything. I don't want to talk about it. Drag it all back out in the open. I just want it to go away.

But it's not going away. And I don't know what to do about it.

I scrub a hand down my face and stifle the ball of turmoil in my gut I can feel surfacing, wanting to work its way out. Leaning against the fence, I pull up my text thread with Teddy, giving in to the temptation to talk to her.

ME: Scout missed you last night.

TEDDY: Just Scout, huh?

ME: Not just Scout.

ME: You're coming back tonight, right?

TEDDY: I don't know.

ME: What the fuck, Teddy?

TEDDY: Let's not do this over text, J.

ME: Do what? What are we doing?

TEDDY: Fighting.

ME: I didn't realize we were fighting.

TEDDY: We can talk tonight.

TEDDY: That's if you actually want to.

ME: What is that supposed to mean?

Minutes go by with no response.

ME: Teddy?

ME: What did you mean by that?

TEDDY: Tonight, J. I'm not doing this over text.

-

TEDDY AND SCOUT WALK INTO THE APARTMENT as I'm loading the last of the dishes in the dishwasher. I close the door and lean my weight against the counter, folding my arms over my chest.

"Hey." I watch as she hangs the leash on the hook next to the door. "How was the walk?"

"Your dog is a bad boy. He chased after a squirrel, and I nearly died trying to stop him."

She crosses the room and pauses mid-step as if she's unsure what to do. Normally, she'd greet me with a kiss; and the indecision is plain across her face. I make the decision for her, meeting her halfway and pulling her body into mine for a hug. Reluctantly, she wraps her arms around my waist, resting her cheek against my chest.

I remove the hairband holding her braid together and begin unweaving her hair, our nightly routine, and I comb my fingers through the waves. "I've missed you." My voice is low, barely above a whisper.

When she doesn't say anything, I tilt her chin up to look at me. "I'm sorry I've been in such a bad mood lately."

"But why have you, J? I don't know what's going on in there." She pokes a finger into my head, her hand falling to her side afterwards. She takes a step back, putting a bit of space between us. "You won't talk to me."

"It's not that I won't talk to you, Teddy. I just don't want to talk about it period." I pick up her hand and lace our fingers together. "I just want to move on. Forget about it."

"But can you?" she asks. "Move on? Forget about it? I know you've been trying, but it doesn't seem to be working very well."

I release her hand and throw my head back, groaning. "Fuck, Teddy. I don't know what to tell you. I don't know what to do. Maybe I was right before about going slow. Maybe this is too fast. Maybe we're not ready for this yet."

With flushed cheeks and wide eyes, she raises her voice at me. "So we're back to that, huh? And why is that, Jensen? What's the real reason? You can't go from being all over me, fucking me in a closet at a bar, saying how much you love me and want me to move in to suddenly wanting to pump the brakes."

She crosses her arms over her heaving chest as she looks at me expectantly. I want to take back what I said, reassure her, tell her I do love her so much and want nothing more for her to move in. I want to smooth down her hair and kiss away the hurt expression off her face. But I don't. I can't. Because I'm just so mad right now. Broken. I can't fix us when I can't even fix myself.

"Why, Teddy? Why can't I change my mind?" I scrub a hand down my face. "I just need a little time. Some space. I need to think, and I can't do that with you breathing down my neck all the fucking time."

The hurt is visible on her face, and she takes a few steps back as if the words physically pushed her. "You need space? So it's more than taking it slow then? What is it you need to think about, J?"

"Fuck, Teddy. It's not like that. I just. Ahh." I throw my arms up and stare at her, hating myself with every passing second for doing this to her, to us. "I don't know. I'm confused right now. I'm just. Fuck. I'm fucked up right now, ok? I don't want to hurt you. I knew it'd be like this. I knew I'd fucking hurt you."

I step into her space, needing to touch her, but she backs up until she runs into the counter behind her, wrapping her arms tightly around her body as if she's protecting herself against something. Me? The way I'm making her feel?

"You're right." Her voice is low, barely audible, and her chin quivers like she's using all her effort not to cry. "Let's take some space. Think about whatever this is."

I grab her wrist when she tries to walk away, stopping her. "No, Teddy. Not like this. I don't want it to be like this."

Squaring her shoulders, she glares up at me. "Sometimes you don't get what you want, Jensen." She rips her arm out of my grasp. "I've followed your lead this whole time. Respected your pace. But I'm not a toy you can take out and play with whenever you want. Your emotional whiplash is exhausting. And hurtful. I know you're going through some shit right now, so I've been trying to be understanding and patient. But I'm here. Instead of shutting me out or pushing me away, you could lean on me."

I don't move or say anything. What can I say? She's right. Of course, she's right. Maybe she should walk away. Maybe she deserves better. I clench my jaw, the disturbing thought taking root.

"Maybe some space is a good idea," she says, and then she walks out of my apartment, leaving me alone with my ugly thoughts.

"Fuck!" I scream as I chuck a glass across the room, and it shatters against the wall.

I crouch down with my hands behind my head. "Fuck," I whisper. "Fuck, fuck, fuck."