Teddy

The incessant beeping of my alarm invades the quiet room, and it takes me a few hazy moments to wake from the fog to determine the source of the noise. I silence it, falling back onto the bed with a groan.

I know without looking: Jensen is gone.

It's rare to wake up with him these days. He's out of bed long before me most mornings now, even on the weekends when there's no rush to start the day.

I miss waking up in a tangled mess with him, the light touches turning into heavy petting and ending with our sweaty bodies moving together with kisses and moans and intense pleasure.

I'd settle for any type of intimacy actually. He's been so distant lately. Distracted. Moodier than usual. I often find myself missing my boyfriend even when I'm sitting right next to him.

I know he's working through something. This is what he does. He pulls away from the world when something is bothering him. I vacillate between wanting to give him the space to figure it out on his own and forcing him to face the things he's hiding from.

It's been a few weeks since we ran into Caroline. I thought with time things would slowly sort themselves out, but Jensen has only sunk further and further into his darkening thoughts as the days pass. Things are getting worse, not better.

I drag myself out of bed, straightening Jensen's shirt over my body from where it got twisted during sleep, and pad through the apartment in search of my boyfriend.

He's sitting at the counter, hunched over a mug of coffee. Judging by the absence of steam, I'm guessing the liquid has gone cold by now. He's motionless, his body a rigid mass on the stool. I walk up behind him, gliding my hands over his shoulders and clock the way they tense under my touch.

"Morning." My voice is soft—tentative—as I wrap my arms around his middle, resting my chin on his shoulder. "Have trouble sleeping again?"

He swivels on the stool to face me, forcing me to take a step back, and he stands. Placing a quick kiss on my forehead, he takes his mug to the sink and then leans against the counter, peering just over my head.

Mindlessly scratching his stomach, he finally meets my eyes. "You aren't dressed."

I glance down at my bare legs, fidgeting with the hem of the shirt. "Oh, uh, I just woke up. Not quite used to needing the alarm anymore. I got spoiled with your brand of wakeup call, I guess."

I can feel my cheeks heat, so I duck my head, and then I curse myself. Since when am I shy around Jensen? It's his stupid moods. They're throwing me off, messing with my mind.

He breezes by me, completely ignoring my comment, and heads to the door. "I'm going to get an early start today. Meet for lunch?"

"Uh, yeah, lunch," I mumble just as the front door closes behind him.

-

"HEY, J, SHOULD WE ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS over who gets the leftovers for lunch?" I ask as I barge into Jensen's office.

The room is dark. Slivers of light from the partially open blinds cast shadow lines onto the floor and empty desk. I pull my phone out to check for messages and when I don't find any, I backtrack, the harsh sun causing me to squint as I quickly duck out of the office building and through the door leading up to Jensen's apartment.

The apartment is empty, too. Even Scout doesn't greet me at the door. I shoot off a quick text to my boyfriend as I run down the stairs and back into the office building. Passing by Jensen's office, I rap my knuckles against Rylie's door and enter without waiting for an invitation.

"Have you seen Jensen? We usually meet for lunch, but I can't find him." I glance at my phone. No response. "No text either."

Rylie looks up from her computer and swivels in the chair. "He's working outside today, I guess. He came in about an hour ago and said he's changing up his schedule and will only be in the office in the mornings now."

I smile, crossing the room to sink into a chair in front of the desk. "Good for him."

"So this is a good thing?"

"Yeah. He's been kind of miserable being stuck in that office."

"He's been acting kind of weird lately, right?"

I look up from my phone, the question catching me off guard. Because, yeah, he has been acting weird lately. For the last few weeks actually. Distant and moody. Whenever I try to talk to him about it, he brushes me off, insists everything is fine.

I just didn't realize other people had noticed, too, though.

Nodding at my friend, I admit, "Yeah, he's been off for a while."

"Off how?"

I bite my lip as I think and then sigh. "He isn't as handsy, that's for sure. But maybe that's just because the newness of our relationship is wearing off? I don't know. I'm trying not to let it bother me, but I kind of miss him. That's silly, right? I see him every day. We work together and practically live together. We're together all the time. But, Ry, I kind of miss my boyfriend. He didn't even tell me he decided to change up his work schedule. Or that he'd miss lunch today. It's these little things that aren't really a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but they kind of add up and I'm trying not to make them into a big thing, but—fuck—I just miss him."

She rounds her desk to sit in the open chair next to me. Reaching between us, she brushes a tear off my cheek. I didn't even realize I was crying, but sure enough my cheeks are wet. I let out a whoosh of breath and fall back into the chair.

"Shit, that kind of came out of nowhere. I must have been holding that in for a while."

"Is it his ex? Everyone keeps talking about Caroline sightings around town."

I roll my eyes. I'm sick of hearing her name. People seem to be obsessed with tracking her movements. "Yeah, things definitely got weird right about the time she blew back into town," I admit, playing with the end of my braid. "But he also has some family shit he's pretending doesn't exist."

"Family shit? Like what? None of the siblings seem affected."

"I'm not sure they know, to be honest. I don't think Jensen has mentioned it to anyone."

A few weeks ago, Jensen confided that he confronted his dad and that he admitted to the affair, but he didn't go into details and immediately shut down the subject. He hasn't talked about it since.

Although it's obvious that he's struggling, he won't let me in. He keeps pushing me away. I'm trying not to take it personally. Give him the space he needs to work it out. But it's getting harder to ignore, especially now when it feels like he's putting physical space between us, too.

-

I SHIELD MY EYES AGAINST THE SUN later that day as I trek through the tall grass on the edge of the farm. Jensen is perched against an old rickety fence, guzzling water from a bottle. Scout sees me first, and he barrels toward me, his head disappearing and reappearing as he runs through the overgrown grass.

"Hey, buddy. Did you miss me?" I scratch behind his ears and laugh as he disappears in the grass again, running back to Jensen.

I look up to see my boyfriend watching as I approach. He swipes an arm across his sweaty brow.

"I finally found you," I say once I'm close enough not to yell.

"Were you looking?"

"Yeah. No one seemed to know exactly where you were. And I sent you a bunch of texts. Did your phone die?"

"Don't think so." He digs in his pocket and pulls out his phone. "Oh shit. Yeah, you blew up my phone. Sorry, babe. It's on silent. I didn't think to check."

When I finally reach him, I loop my finger into his beltloop and tug him closer, standing on my tiptoes to kiss him. He turns his head, my lips grazing his cheek. I fall back onto my feet, letting my hands fall to my sides, and take a step back.

He grabs my hand, rubbing his thumb over the pulse point on my wrist. "We're at work, Teddy."

"Umm. Ok. What happened to, I'm the boss, I can do what I want?"

"I promised you I was going to be better about that shit, remember?"

I look around at our deserted location. "There's no one here, J. We're alone."

He drops my hand and stands to his full height. "I'm going to get back to work. This fence won't fix itself." He turns his back to me. "I might be late for supper. You don't have to wait."

I begin walking backwards, biting my trembling lip, willing myself not to cry. "I won't be there. Book club. Remember?"

I cringe at the sound of my wobbly voice, and Jensen looks over his shoulder at me, but I spin around so he won't see the tears fall. I don't bother swiping them away as they continue to saturate my cheeks.

"Teddy?" Jensen calls after me, but I keep walking.

"Teddy! Wait!"

I hear his footsteps behind me, and I squeeze my eyes shut tight, trying to stop the tears. But they continue to stream down my cheeks anyway.

I feel his hands on my arms as he turns me to face him. I keep my eyes closed. His thumbs wipe the moisture off my face. "Baby." His voice is a soft whisper. "Why are you crying?"

I still don't open my eyes. Instead, I shake my head in response, not trusting my voice to speak.

"Teddy, what's wrong?"

His large hands cup my cheeks, tipping my face up to him. "Look at me, baby."

Finally, I open my eyes. He's peering down at me with the wrinkle between his brows. The one he gets when he's concerned or confused or upset or frustrated or any myriad of emotions. I trace my finger over it, but it doesn't smooth the wrinkles.

"What's going on, Teddy? What's wrong?"

I circle my hands around his wrists, pulling his hands off my face, and I take a few steps back. "I think that's a question you need to ask yourself, Jensen. The only thing wrong with me is you."

I take a few more backward steps. When he doesn't say anything, I take a few more. "I think I'll stay at my place tonight. After the book club meeting."

His eyes widen and he closes the space between us, but before he can touch me, I hold up my hands. I take a few more backward steps before spinning around and walking back through the tall grass, away from him.