A/N : Part one of I love this beautiful pain but...it's all falling apart in my hands...

"I loved you so much "

A bit of a background story on tom. Warning! Tomjon! If you don't want to read a whole tomjon paragraph the skip the italic section.

What if I let you in?

What if I make it right?

Tom watched helplessly as the red car drove out into the big city. The love of his life just left him with no explanation or warning. He shut himself out of the world for the next two weeks,only coming out for food,Smirnoff and to use the bathroom.His heart ached as he remembered the old times,the happy ones.

He missed his laugh and his evil/excited grin whenever he was about to do something diabolical . He even misses the moments when tord would hog the blankets when they slept together.Tom growled sourly as he gripped harder on his glass bottle of Smirnoff.

He squeezed his eyes shut as tears begged to leak out,his whole body shaking slightly. Sometimes he can still hear his voice. And even sometimes he can still see him. But tom knows that his mind is playing tricks in him. Cruel ones they are. It is hard to let it all go,to let their past just disappear into faded memories.He knows that he has to move on,for the sake of himself and his friends.

But doing that tears himself apart,he cuts his skin just so he could focus on a different pain then what he's feeling inside. It's like they say, Scars heal,but broken hearts don't. Jealousy would fuel Tom whenever he sees his two best friends,Edd and Matt,cuddle on the couch together. Matt would whisper sweet nothings into Edd's ear while Edd would bury himself impossibly closer into Matt's chest. He used to have that with Tord. They used to be inseparable,nothing could get between them. Sure they would bicker every now and then,shouting out empty threats,but they would always be fine afterwards. Acting as if nothing happened.

On calm,warm nights,They would sit on the roof of the house and gaze out into the sea of sparkling stars that spread across the midnight sky. Tord's eyes would widen with admiration and fascination,moonlight would gleam off of his red and silver irises. Even now,Tom would look out his window,wondering if Tord was doing the same thing. Maybe the stars were the only thing that kept them 'together'.

The loud shatter of broken glass and a stinging sensation in his hands brought Tom back to reality. Smirnoff was spilt all over his hoodie and floor. Shards littered the wooden tile of his bedroom ground. Tom let out a loud groan of frustration only to hear footsteps rushing up the stair shortly afterwards. The door swung open and Edd and Matt were at the frame,looking at tom with worry written on their faces.

"Tom what happened? Are you ok?" Edd exclaimed,hurrying over to him.

"Ya I'm fine" the Brit stated simply,trying to ignore the pain that engulfed his hand.

Matt went downstairs to get bandages and a plastic bag but soon returned shortly afterwards. After cleaning up the mess,the three friends decided to all head down to watch a movie together. Tom finally felt at peace. Or so he thought.

What if I gave it up?

What if I want to try?

"Hello old friend"

The small Norwegian wore his signature smirk as he slowly stepped out of the gloomy shadows. Tom dropped his harpoons in utter shock. He felt a small lump at the back of his throat,but also fury boiling at the same time. But the communist brushed past him,sending a shiver up his spine.

"Tord!" A small flurry of green squeaked as it rushed over to hug tord.

The two small males held each other like they haven't seen the other in a million years. After a few moments they finally pulled apart.

A small hiss made Tom turn around to see a taller man than himself growl at Tord as he pulled Edd closer to his chest, "Matt it's ok,it's just tord" Edd giggled as he hugged his boyfriend in a reassuring manner.

The ginger looked genuinely confused, "Who's tord?" He mumerd,and tord walked over to him,which only made Matt hold Edd tighter. "It's me,Tord?...you seriously don't remember me?" "Uh uh" . Edd pulled away slightly, "He use to live here?" He hinted,Tom walked into the conversation with a cold snarl, "Yeah! Used to!" In the corner of his eye,Tom could see a sadden and guilty expression flash across the Norwegian's face,but just as quickly it appeared,it left just as fast as he walked into the living room. "Where are all the sofas?" Tord questioned as he looked around,stuffing his hands into his hoodie pocket. Edd,who managed to wiggle out of his protective boyfriends grasp,walked over to his old time friend. "Tom sold them to pirates" Tord laughed audibly and reached up to poke Tom's cheek, "Ha! Classic stupid tom!".

~~~~~~~

He hated it. He hated it so much. First he left him without any explanation,then came back like everything was ok? And just to make matters worse.Edd decided to have them share his bedroom,until they could clean out Tom's old room. To be honest, it could've been way worse. Tom sighed at He laid on his back,staring at the plain white ceiling. He had trouble sleeping,he's always had,ever since tord left. But this was different,an aching feeling gnawed at his stomach as if he knew something deep in side of him was telling him something was wrong. But Tom decided to shrug it off as he got up and headed towards the door. Just as he was about to open the door,soft snoring caught his attention.

He looked down to see the small Norwegian fast asleep one the air mattress that was spread across the wooden floor. A red blanket was tucked underneath his chin,and a Gray pillow that was placed under his head. Tom watched as the blanket move up and down slowly,his hand still on the doorknob. After a few minutes,He decided that he should head back to bed,maybe sleep would come to him shortly.

Tom woke up to a warm feeling. His blanket was warmer than it was before,and he had less space. Looking over at his bed stand,he saw the clock read 4:45. It was way too early to be waking up. He turned around to see tord laying right next to him. He was shaking. Tord was curled up in a little ball,his hair was a mess,and he had bags underneath his eyes. Small quiet wines of distress came from the small man,tears leaked through his shut eyes. He looked like hell. Tom sat up,looking down at tord in shock,confusion and worry.

Just as he was about to wake him up,tord let out a loud cry. He jumped up in fear and fell backwards off the bed. Tom let out a gasp of shock and crawled over the other side to check on tord. The Norwegian sat against the blue painted walls as he hugged his legs helplessly,crying silently into his knees. Tom slid of the edge of his bed and carried tord up and sat him on his lap. Small arms wrapped around his body as cries of pain filled the room.

"I'm sorry! I'm so f-cking sorry!" Tom arched an eyebrow as he looked down at the small man in his arms,something fluttered softly in his stomach. Next thing he knew,he was hugging the communist back. The loud cries soon quiet down till it was just soft sniffles and hiccups. Tom curled his index finger and lifted Tord's chin up til they where looking face to face. "What exactly are you sorry for? Hmm?" Tom prompted softly,Part of him had a feeling why tord was so distresses,the other wanted to go back to sleep and forget about their past,But then again Tom knew he wouldn't be able to sleep without getting to the bottom of this.

Just as he was about to ask again,Tord looked down. His eyes glimmered with guilt and his face hot with shame, "I-I'm sorry I didn't tell you I was leaving-" he choked out,his voice starting to crack as he fought back the tears, "A-and I never wanted to hurt you but...but I was so scared that you'd never want to speak to me again o-or that you would disown me-" tord stared at his hands as he fiddled his thumbs in an attempt to calm his anxiety.

"I was planning to tell you- I swear I was! But I couldn't bring myself to..." Tom look down at his ex,shocked at his words,he pinched the bridge of his nose before looking back at the Norwegian.

"Ok so let me get this straight,you didn't tell me because you were scared?" Tord looked up at tom,his eyes dimmed in shame.

He slowly began to crawl off of Tom's lap,but the Brit wasn't having any of that,he wrapped his arms around the smaller males waist and held him in place. Tord let out a small whine of distress,and tried to push the taller man away from him,his face clearly indicating that he was uncomfortable.

A feather soft feeling on his right temple is what made him stop struggling, Tom placed a soft reassuring kiss on the side of tords head.

"Tord" Tom whispered softly,his voice calm and soothing. "Tord you didn't have to be scared,I wouldn't disown you or stop loving you" The Brit took a deep breath before continuing, "I just wish you would've told me..." he trailed off a bit towards the end.

He gently placed a hand at the side of tords face,wiping a tear away from his eye, small streams flowed rapidly down tord's checks. "Please tord,Please promise me that you'll tell me next time you do something drastic like that!" Tom pleaded helplessly not even realizing that he himself was crying. Tord shook his head violently before crying out "I promise!" And with that he flung himself at tom,wrapping his arms around neck and grossly weeping into the crook of it. Tom held onto tord tighter,burying his face into his shoulder. Years of bottled up pain was finally released,the two howled their grief until they could no longer.

They stared at each other in the eyes,a soft feeling warmed up inside of them as their faces inched closer. Tom lifted tord's chin up and delicately placed his lips on tord's. The Norwegian cupped Tom's cheeks in his hands,deepening the kiss slightly. A fierce blush spread across both of the males faces,they shared a passionate kiss. Tom picked up tord-whose legs where coiled around Tom's abdomen- placed him on the bed,and hovered over him.

"I love you...so much" Tom whispered softly,saying words that haven't been spoken in what felt like eons,tord purred loudly as Tom bent down and pecked his forehead. "I love you too" Tord smiled,his voice breaking in pure happiness. Tom laid down next to tord and pulled the covers over them,they both fell asleep in each others arms. Happiness doesn't last forever...

~~~~~~~

Tom went out to go buy more Smirnoff, since he was sure as hell he would finish the last one with in ten minutes. It's been a month since tord came back and Tom has fallen deeper in love with him by the second.

He absolutely loved it when he would feel Tord's small warm body pressed against him on chilly fall nights,Tom would snake his arms around tord's small waist and bury his face into the back of his neck. His short boyfriend would often whisper "Jeg elsker deg" in his ear as they cuddled on the couch together. Tom felt as if he was in heaven.

Tom walked up to the cash register with two bottles of Smirnoff and pulled out his wallet,taking out his I.D before handing it to the cashier. As he walked out the store with his beloved purchase,a wanted poster caught the corner of his eye. It was a picture of tord. A stil emotionless expression spread across his face. Tom quickly snatched the paper off the glass wall and stuffed it into the plastic bag that held his Smirnoff. Tord and him were going to have a long conversation about this.

The Brit let out a small grunt slip past his lips as he reached up to the driveway of the house. His ears perked as he heard the neighbors door open. A small male soon appeared behind the fence,his happy expression made tom feel warm and comforting. (Smol tomjon warning and mention) Before realizing it,his feet automatically led him over to the wooden barrier.

"Hello Tom!" His neighbor chirped happily,"hey Jon" tom smiled back,setting his stuff down in the grass. He folded his arms across the top of the fence and looked down at his ex. "So I heard that tord is back.." Jon mummerd, Tom sighed lovingly at the thought of his beloved boyfriend, "Ya he's back...and I couldn't be happier." He looked down at Jon who had a rueful smile. "I'm happy for you.." he whispered. Guilt pierced Tom's stomach at the look of his ex's expression. Sh-t.

After tord left,tom had been swallowed into deep depression. He couldn't move on and didn't want to that is until Jon came up to him.

What if I learned to love?

Tom walked tiredly out to the backyard,he held a bottle in his hand as he made his way to the tree. He slumped down to the base of it held his head back against the dry bark. He let out quiet whimpers of pain and distress before chugging the fiery liquid. Tom stood up and flung the glass bottle at the tree,shards flew everywhere and one cut his cheek. He hissed in pain as the blood trickled down his chin. I deserve it. I'm not good enough for anyone he growled and banged his head against the hardwood. He let out a cry,a small scratch formed on his forehead and began to bleed.

3 months. 3 whole months of pain and suffering.

He just wanted it to end. Tom then heard footsteps crunching the leafs behind him, good. Maybe it's a murderer. He felt a small warm hand on his shoulder.

"A-are you ok?" Whispered a hushed voice,laced with concern.

Tom tensed up a bit and looked behind him,it was one of his neighbors.

"I'm fine-" tom groaned,a loud gasp interrupted him.

"My goddess!" His neighbor exclaimed worriedly , "y-your bleeding!"

Before tom could protest,the small blue clothed man grabbed his hand and led him over to the fence. Tom slid down and sat in the grass, "Jon please,I'm fine I really am-" "no you are most certainly not!" Jon scolded in a motherly fashion. He knelt down and pulled out a few tissues out of his pocket,he then frowned and stood up.

"Stay right here,I'll be back" with that he gave tom the tissues and climbed over the fence. Might as well put these to good use. Carefully,tom used the tissues to clean up the blood and to help stop the bleeding. It sure did sting. A small grunt was heard above him,he looked up to see Jon crouched on the top of the fence before jumping down with an oof.

"Sorry I took so long" Jon laughed nervously, "it took me a while to find the bandaids" he then sat down and began to patch tom up, "it looks like the bleeding has stopped, that's good!" Jon cheered.

Tom watched as Jon pour some alcohol on a cotton ball before gently dabbing it on his cuts. He let out a loud hiss of pain,and Jon retracted a bit, face filled with worry. "I'm sorry! I know I'm hurting you,I just don't want these to get infected" his voice quivered in shame and guilt. He then place the bandaids on and stood up. Tom watched as he extended his hand out to him,hesitantly,tom grabbed the small hand and pushed his foot against the grass.

Jon pulled back to help him,using both hands. Tom got up rather quickly and Jon began to fall backwards. Before his body would his the ground,the Brit caught him. "Thank you" the small man whispered and tom helped him stand up. "No problem,you helped me so I thought I Would return the favor" he chuckled softly,reaching down to gently ruffle the others hair. Damn was his hair soft.

~~~~~~~

The two went to their respect houses. Ever since that day,they began to hang out. Feelings slowly warmed up,and tom was slightly terrified. He was falling for Jon. He can't be falling in love with another man,not so soon. It's only been a year since tord left. Tom ran his hands through his hair in distress,he sighed and picked up Susan. His fingers lazily plucking the medal strings.

"If you gave me only one wish,I wouldn't want to feel this way." He sang "they told me I'd have your memory,but all I want is you to stay. And I can't stop my mind from haunting me" tom let his emotions pour into his voice

"it's like a scar on a butterfly's wing. I wanted you to know." He trailed off a bit at the end as tears trailed down his cheeks.

Nonetheless he continued, "This beautiful pain that I feel is all because of you.and one day these bones will heal and leave me with the truth. And I'll give you everything if it's the last thing that I do oh~"

The tempo slowed down as tom began to relax. "This beautiful pain,this beautiful pain,this beautiful pain, for you~" .

His bedroom door creaked,and tom shot his head up to see Jon looking at him in astonishment. "Tom" he whispered softly,his hand slowly raising up to his mouth. "Tom,that was beautiful. I didn't know you were such an amazing singer" the Brit felt his face warming up and he looked away, "T-thanks" he muttered quietly.

"Oh! I almost forgot. I um,I'm sorry for interrupting you,but I just wanted to see how you were doing. And Edd was kind enough to let me in. So if you want,I'll be on my way-" "Wait!" Tom pleaded,he patted his hand on his bed and Jon slowly made his way over. "A-are you ok tom?" Tom bowed his head in shame, "I'm sorry" Jon tilted his head confusement as he crawled closer to where tom was sitting.

"Sorry for what? You didn't do anything wrong" he whined,settling down,reaching out to comfort his friend. "For this" Before Jon could react,tom quickly but gently,pressed his lips against the other's.

After a few heartbeats,Jon loosened up and limply hung his arms over Tom's shoulder. Tom snaked his hands down to hold Jon's waist. The smaller man wrapped his legs around the brits abdomen,the two men slowly sunk down onto the mattress.

They kissed passionately,their lips moving in sync. When they pulled apart,tom buried his face into Jon's chest, "I'm sorry,my feeling just took control of me,I couldn't help it. You just looked so beautiful" tom mumbled shyly. Jon giggled and held the Brit close "it's ok ya goof,I love you too" the eyeless man then hovered over him,and gave a soft kiss on his cheek.

Jon hummed in content, "I love you" He whispered.

"I love you too"

They soon got together.Jon would even accompany the guys on adventures. He would sit on Tom's shoulders and laugh with his boyfriend. Matt and edd would smile at eachother,Happy that their friend has finally moved on. But they soon became distant. Three and a half years of joy and love,then tord came back.

~~~~~~~

Tom reached down and grabbed Jon's small hand and looked him in the eyes. "Jon,I'm sorry. I just-" "Tom." Jon reached up and wiped a tear from Tom's pitch black eyes,his hand slowly trailing down and gingerly soothes his cheek. The Brit leaned into the hand, "Tom it's ok,I understand. We can't keep this up,tord's back and" Jon took a deep breath before continuing, "And I think Eduardo has feelings for me. I don't feel the same way but,I'm willing to give it a try" he smiled ruefully.

Tom smiled back and picked up the small man. Jon sat on top of the fence and hugged tom tightly,his arms wrapped around his neck. Tom hugged back and whispered in his ear, "I loved you so much" the two males hugged tighter, "I loved you too" after a few moments they let go and Jon went back to his side of the fence. "See you around tom!" Jon giggled softly as he made his way inside,Tom smiled and waved back, "See you around Jon"

Tom bent down and picked the plastic bag up,his hand reached in. The wanted poster in his grasp,now to deal with tord.

Word count : 3429