Some nights Keith liked to stare up at the stars, and pretend he was still here with him. He would sit in the frigid midnight air, trying to remember every detail of the man he had lost. The feeling of his well kept hair under Keith's fingers, smooth and clean unlike his own. The warmth of having someone to lay down beside you. The tenderness and safety he felt with shiro, and with no one else since what little of his family that was left had gone. Shiro had become his family.

Other nights however, the memories became too painful.  Some nights he felt like giving up on everything. On shiro. On himself. He couldn't stop himself from thinking "he left  too".

The same conversations repeated over and over in his head.
*******
"I still just see stars"
Keith stared up at the lights twinkling in the sky. He didn't understand why they had to spend the night cold on the roof of the garrison, especially  when they had so few nights left together until shiro had to leave. If they were going to break curfew there were better places to be.

"True, but you don't 'just' see stars"
Shiro smiled as he spoke, and Keith followed suit, resting his head on the older man's shoulder.
"And what does that mean?"

Shiro closed his eyes for a minute, thinking, then chuckled under his breath.
"I don't know, nothing probably. But you want to agree, don't you?"

Keith doesn't respond, but let's out a sigh.

"Well, think about this. That star you are looking at, you can't even comprehend how far away it is from earth. But you can still see it all the way from this building. If the light from that star can make it all the way here, even if only as an insignificant ball of light, then imagine how spectacular it must be up close. What do you think it's like to feel the heat of that star, far away from our own sun? I can say whatever I want about ingenuity, about the importance of this mission. But more than anything I want to know what that feels like"

"You mean... Hot?"
"That's not what I meant."
"I know... I'm just doing it to be difficult now"

Shiro wrapped his arm around Keith's back, sensing his unease.

"Shiro, I..."
He wanted to say, "shiro, I love you"
But no.
No. He can't say that.

"I, I can't- I don't know what to say to you shiro. I'm worried about you. I'm not good with words the way you are, but- I'll miss you. I don't know why I'm even here without you"

Shiro pulled away from Keith to look him in the eyes.

"Keith, you are here because you are the best pilot in your age class. None of the cadets even compare to your abilities. You are where you are because you deserve more than you ever had, or whatever you think.

And besides, I will come back"

"But what if you don't? Anything could happen out there"

He laughed again.

"Knowing you? you would drag me back down here yourself"

*******
Thinking back once again, he told himself no. It doesn't matter what he wanted. He couldn't give up on him.