Chapter 5

"You know it really does dampen a guy's confidence when you run out on them...right after kissing him," Ryan lifted her head, running her hand through her hair and seeing the sight of Sirius Black leaning against the wall at the other end of the corridor, a small smile on his lips that read nothing but sympathy that Ryan didn't exactly want, she didn't want to cause a scene or anything between her and Remus, but the thought of it meaning nothing ran through her head too many times for her to sit in that room with him beside her.

"I know," she whispered, her eyes falling away from him and to the many paintings that lined the hallways, she couldn't deny that she felt terribly embarrassed to have left Remus and to have left their group, it was just a harmless game, a silly game of truth or dare, and she got a dare, and that dare was the reason that she was sitting in a hallway almost crying, trying her absolute best to ignore the eyes of the boy in front of her, the boy who was moving towards her with a sigh tumbling from his lips until he was beside her.

"Y'know he does like you," Sirius chuckled, leaning against the wall as he faced her, seeing her legs pulled up to her chest, she looked so unhappy that it was almost foreign to see her so sad, to see her with a frown on her pretty face, because even Sirius couldn't deny that she was absolutely gorgeous, he was just the only one to realise that there was definitely more to it than just who she was, she was a closed book, no matter how open she seemed, and Sirius was definitely curious to know about her.

"Yes, like all boys do," she whispered, quickly regretting saying a word because she knew Remus wasn't like the other boys to stare at her legs, or her chest, or her in general, he didn't even act like he cared about that stuff, merlin he thought she was attractive but that wasn't what intrigued him, she intrigued him with who she was, with her love for art and writing and the fact that she could snap at any boy, and still be so confident, and whilst Sirius wanted to know more about her and how she was a closed book.

Remus just wanted to know her.

"They all like me, staring at my legs and stuff. I kissed Remus and I felt so much, as cliché as it sounds. My friend Vinnie has always told me that I should be embracing my teenage years, y'know, kissing guys, breaking hearts but it's just not me, I get attached to people easily and I hate to admit - because it's embarrassing - that I think I'm a bit attached to Remus, because he was the first guy not to stare at me as if I was some...some object that he could use for his own pleasure, and that hasn't really happened before. I like Remus a lot, he helped me in the library last year, but kissing him scared me, a whole lot.

I have never really liked anyone before, and I just, you remind me of Vinnie a bit, Sirius, I mean bloody hell you came after me, but I'm sorry to rant to you, but I'm just bloody terrified of what could happen, I'm not...fully what people think I am, I'm not just a pretty face or a body to those who want me, I'm more than that, and I'm part of something other than that and I don't think I'm ready to show that."

She shook her head, knowing that Sirius could easily go and tell Remus that she had admitted to liking him, that he could pick himself up off the window seat and bid her goodbye to return to his friends and tell them all the information that he had gathered whilst he sat there with her, watching the moonlight light her face, and probably lighting his too, he didn't like the girl in front of him, merlin, he liked girls, and being with girls but he just wanted to make sure Ryan was okay.

He wanted to make sure she was okay as a friend, as someone who had been through a lot whether she wanted to tell anyone or not, because Sirius knew, he had been through a lot too, he had been through tons and he recognised the pain, the familiar pain that struck Ryan's face when she pushed herself up and out of the common room, flushed cheeks and wide eyes, she had secrets.

"Y'know, Ryan, you're not the only one with secrets. I'm not stupid, I'm not innocent and I'm not some random student that you can pretend to fake who you are with, no one knows a thing about you. They know who you are - your name, the fact that you could easily be the most attractive person in this school, but you just don't care, you don't care about your looks in the slightest!

I wouldn't be surprised if you just showed up to class one day with bed head and pyjamas, but the thing is- no one would see anything different because of your beauty, and don't think I'm saying this because I like you, I couldn't do that to Remus, but I'm gonna find out what you're not telling everyone, Ryan, I'm gonna figure out what you're hiding."

"So, you're saying you came here to play detective?" she asked, her eyebrow raised, "cause you can look for clues of who I am, Sirius, but unless I decide to tell you - you won't find a thing."

He couldn't help but laugh, moving closer to the girl and throwing his arm around her, "I know I'm not really good friend material to you, Ryan, but I came here to comfort someone who needed to be comforted, so just take the damn comfort and spill your hopeless romantic feelings to me."

"Promise you won't tell anyone?"

"Promise."

-

"Ryan!"

The girl turned quickly to see Remus walking - well, running - down the hall, looking slightly flustered and a little sad too. Ryan couldn't help but worry that the expression on his face was caused by her but when he neared her, she couldn't help but realise that it was, that she was the one to cause the upset that he felt.

"Ca-can you come with me, please?" he asked, not able to utter any other words to her whilst she silently nodded her head, allowing him to guide her in the direction that he was taking them. They passed by students in the hallway, she was sure she would be late to class now with the different plan to follow Remus in the direction he was going but she figured she owed him some sort of explanation, that whatever he wished to say to her, to shout at her maybe, was something she deserved.

Though it was Remus Lupin, the kindest boy she knew who had taken it upon himself to place his hand at her lower back in order to guide her better, and she couldn't exactly deny that she enjoyed him so close to her, touching her, she just wished she hadn't run out on him, she wished he was more.

But saying that, she wasn't ready yet, she wasn't ready to give herself to him or to care for him as more than a friend. She fancied him a whole lot and whatever happened between them wouldn't change how she felt but she couldn't do anything until she was fully capable of sharing all of her secrets with him.

But right now, she wasn't sure she would ever be able to.

She followed him into one of the classrooms that hadn't been occupied with a teacher for years, leaning over her to close the door behind him whilst she stared wide-eyed, feeling him so close to her was something new, and she was terrified that he felt the same way as she did.

"You know I've never really felt good about myself," Remus admitted, taking a few minutes of silence to walk around the room, oblivious to the guilt that flooded Ryan's stomach, "I thought maybe this year- for reason I just...can't tell you, I would maybe finally be able to cope with who I am and what I feel.

And the year was turning out great, it was, and there was this girl, oh Merlin, she was something else. She was so...gorgeous, she had this ability to make people laugh, and smile, and she could kill someone with a look if she really wanted to. She loves to write, and draw too, and I was so incredibly jealous of her best friend who doesn't go to Hogwarts for some reason but in her cute voice did she tell me that they were just friends, and she probably didn't know why I wanted to know that they were just friends but she told me anyway, with the cutest blush spread across her cheeks.

The thing is- so many people judged her based on appearance and for a while I did too, but I became observant, when people stared, I wanted to help her, I'm not calling myself different, I'm not saying I'm not like the rest but I wanted to be there for her, I didn't want to stare at her like they all do, - Ryan, I wanted to know you!" he turned to her suddenly, seeing the look on her face, feeling the guilt pound in his heart.

"You chose to kiss me, Ryan, I'm not blaming you for doing that because it was a dare, it was just a dare and it meant nothing, but why did you go?"

"That's exactly why I left, Remus," she laughed softly, shaking her head, her voice was barely audible, "I couldn't stay in that room beside you knowing that the kiss meant nothing because it didn't mean nothing to me...it meant everything to me!"

"What?!"

"Don't you get it, Remus, you are the only boy, the only one to see me how I am, in this school in our year, besides my friends, you are the only one who has ever cared about me to actually see me as a person, and not as - as an object!

I have liked you ever since you got that book down for me, when people stared at my skirt rising up my legs, you where the one to reach up and grab the book for me, and when I turned, your eyes were on mine, not my body, I want that, I want you, I want us, Remus - but it meant nothing, it was a dare, that's why I ran because I couldn't fathom the thought of kissing you without truly having you.

But the thing is, I'm not...I'm not ready to have you yet, you don't realise how incredible you are, you don't realise that you are so amazing, so bloody amazing, and I have so many secrets, Remus, kept from you, kept from everyone and I don't know how long it will take me to truly be able to share those secrets, and I couldn't do that.

I couldn't do that to you, I couldn't knowingly keep things from you if I were to be with you," she shook her head, furiously wiping the tears that spilt from her eyes, "the school year has barely started, but Merlin it's been eventful."

He pushed himself forward, walking towards her slowly, and when she thought he would stop - he didn't, he kept walking until each of his hands were on either side of her face, allowing her to stumble back until she could catch herself.

He wiped her tears softly, his thumbs brushing her skin as gently as she could ever imagine, her eyes wide as he stared into them, "I will wait for you, I've waited for months, I can wait some more."

She couldn't help the laugh, stepping closer to him until their foreheads touched, and she could feel the goose bumps spread over her body. She pushed herself up, capturing his lips in a slow, lingering kiss, one that had more meaning than the one a few days ago.

"Someday, Remus Lupin," she nodded, "but...friends?"

"Merlin, I'd rather be your friend than nothing, Ryan," he mumbled, still completely dazed from the fact that she kissed him, "I'll just pretend that I'm not falling for you."

"Who knows," she murmured, tracing her fingertips over his cheek, "maybe I'll catch you."