Dedicated to all my previous crushes - for showing me
love can be the most beautiful or most painful thing

I fumbled with the buckle of my too-tight black jeans. Time to lay off the late night snacks. I took a deep breath and managed to zip up my jeans. I pulled at the hem of my lilac blouse and strudded over to my dressing table to put on some makeup. I just put on kohl eyeliner and applied pale coral-coloured lip balm onto my chipped lips.

I turned around to get my boots which were in my closet when I noticed a tall silhouette leaning against the door frame. I jumped back in surprise and my right hand immediately went over my heart.

"Stefan! You scared me," I exclaimed.

"Sorry," he mumbled. He looked awful. Well, he was naturally good looking but at this particular moment, he didn't look too well. He had dark circles around his eyes which were missing their usual sparkle. He was dressed somberly in all black.

I would have made a joke about how we are just visiting his father in the hospital, not going to his funeral if it wasn't for the fact that if there was a funeral, it would be because of me. 

"Give me a minute. I just need to find my purse," I said, avoiding eye contact with him. I opened my closet and looked for my purse.

Stefan appeared behind me with my black purse in his hand. "It was by your nightstand," he said in the same muted tone.

"Thanks," I said, finally daring myself to look at him. "You look terrible. Do you feel alright?"

He laughed but it was without humour. "I'm surprised you noticed since you haven't looked at me properly for the past two weeks."

He looked so hurt I couldn't even find a proper answer that would make it up to him. But I couldn't. It wouldn't help what I was going to say to him in a while.

I walked over to the door and put on my shoes. "We should get going. We are already late. Visiting hours are almost over." I turned to the door but Stefan blocked my way.

"We need to talk."

"Stef-"

"Now, Akansha. I need to know why you have been giving me the cold shoulder for the past few weeks. Don't try denying it," he said. His voice was a low growl. He was more upset than I thought.

My mind was scrambling for a million reasons that he would believe, that would make everything go back to the way it was but I had to go with the one lie that was at the top of my mind for weeks now.

"I can't do this, Stefan. Us. I can't do it anymore," I said, lowering my eyes to his hands which were clenched.

"Akansha. What do you mean? Look, if I did anything wrong, tell me. I'll make it right. Just don't do this. I love you," he said. His voice cracked when he said the last sentence.

When I looked up, I was surprised to see that he wasn't mad at me. He was tearing up. His green eyes were glossy and his face was pale.

I felt like someone was pouring acid down my trachea then decided to puncture my lungs. Every breath I took hurt, simply because I wanted it to hurt. I wanted to feel the pain I was putting him through.

But I had to do this. For him.

"That's the thing, Stef. I don't love you. Not anymore. If I continue this relationship, I would feel like I'm cheating you. I'm sorry but you have to let me go," I said, looking at the floorboards.

I looked at him at the risk of me immediately apologising to him and telling him the actual truth. When I did, I realised that I'm doing this to avoid him from shedding the very tears he was shedding now at his father's funeral. I raised my hand to wipe off a tear that escaped from his eyes but he flinched.

"Don't. Don't try to comfort me after ripping out my heart." He looked up at the ceiling and closed his eyes. He took in deep, ragged breaths. His lips quivered and he bit on his lower lip as if to keep in the words he actually wanted to say.

We stood in silence for a few seconds. I knew if we stood like that any longer, my eyes would betray my intentions by letting the tears I've been holding in fall.

"We have to go, Stef. Your mother would be waiting for us at the hospital."

He shook his head. "I can't spend twenty minutes in the car with you. I don't want you anywhere near me. At least not for a while."

"You have to. It's your dad we are talking about," I reasoned with him.

"I know," he said, looking me in the eye. "Which is why I'm going and you're not. I'll send him your regards."

He walked out of my room without a second glance. The moment I heard the front door close, I fell to my knees.

I know he was hurting. He was sad, heartbroken, angry even and I'm glad that he is although it hurts me. His anger would speed up the healing process.

Time would heal him. It always does. All he needs is some space from me and a couple of weeks, give or take.

I wish it was the same with me.