A/N This my friends, is a cliche infused dystopia parody. I mean no offence to the authors of books referenced- they probably didn't even notice these cliches and I forgive them. BUT I wish teachers would stop saying these are the books we have to read because it's gotten to the point where these cliches gnaw on my brain 24/7 and I had to let this out.

My name is Riley Burnwood.
I am known throughout the metropolis as the girl who is really smart but never goes to school and really strong but has absolutely no muscles whatsoever.
(This is especially impressive because I also have zero percent body fat!)

The point is: I'm obviously a feminist! And I never miss a chance to remind anyone (but my boyfriend). I am a very realistic example of a strong female character, meaning I have no flaws because if I did it would surely be demeaning.

I'm here to tell you about how my teenage life changed that fateful day. The day he held my foot and said everything would be okay.

Once upon an unspecified time in the future, in the war-torn and fallen USA...

I Riley Burnwood am at home, on my couch listening to my eyes tell me the news. Such a shame, no missing people found: that means my brother still remains dead or alive somewhere in the city.

Oh Turtleface, I miss you so.
My parents were murdered and all I had was my older brother Turtleface, however, he went missing months ago and I'm beginning to lose hope.

I look over to my desk, and see my brother's trusty dagger- Dustina.

Bloody blood red blood adorns her cold knifey surface, crumbling at the slightest touch. Of course, this blade was never used, my brother wouldn't hurt a fly. That's why they were after him.

I know what Turtleface would want. He'd want me to stab the king of the American Empire. That's who killed him, I'm sure of it.

I live in the capitol (Duh) so I could totally go to Fudgenugget's palace and kick his seventeen ripped guards in the face with my two definitely human totally human arms (with elbows).

Then I would instantly know where he sleeps and I would be just about to stab him until he pulls a gun out of his funky pyjamas and says he'll shoot my nonexistent boyfriend if I kill him.

My boyfriend will tell me to kill King Fudgenugget, even if it means he dies too but I won't be able to do it so my boyfriend will twist the gun out of Fudgenugget's hands and shoot him.

Anyway, I went to the King's estate and just as I was about to beat up a guard some white dude dressed in ripped jeans and a black-ish-blue-ish, V-necked, short sleeve but like short sleeve and three quarters, cecropia moth-bitten, 80% cotton shirt jumps out of a tree and knocks out the guard and 15 others.

What a hot stranger. I instantly notice his ice blue eyes through his blindfold. That's some ice I want to freeze in.

He opens the big large iron steel metal gate without a key and tuck rolls up the stairs into the house (without a key)

I follow quietly behind, careful not to be seen or his hotness could roast me alive.

He is able to run up the stairs to Fudgenugget's room completely unnoticed.

I however, am not so lucky.
A maid stops me before I can catch up to the mysterious boy.

"Francine?? Why aren't you Swiffering it up?!? A drop of dawn and you're gone you greasy pierogi!"

I'm really good at lying because my conscious died long ago in the land of far far away.

"I'm not Swiffering because it's 2000 and Swiffers aren't invented yet." Everyone here but me and mystery man is brick stupid so she doesn't question how she knows what a Swiffer is.

"K."

As soon as she leaves another figure looms over me, this one much more threatening. My voice quivered trying to answer as the man asked
"Are you Francine?"

"Can I just go up the frick fracking cracka lacking snicker jacking packer tracking FUH-REAKING STAIRS?!"

"No thank you." He replied. Those are fighting words.

Good thing mystery boy was in a fighting mood. He was for some reason watching the whole time and jumped down the stairs screaming like a mute man.

He kicked the guy where the sun don't shine and grabbed my arm. He pulled me up the stairs faster than a tortoise.

"Good thing I saved you because if I didn't you would not be saved by me."

I took instant offence to this.
"I would!" And to think that I thought he was a gentleman.

He was still hot. So I was only mad for a second.

"My name is Wyomingoregon CaliforniaTexas." He announced, not that I asked. What an attractive name. He seems so...united...

"I'm Riley Burnwood." I tell him, it's definitely safe to use my real name.

Wyomingoregon grabs my dainty girl female woman lady hand and leads me down the hallway to Fudgenugget's room.

He eased open the door and makes his way to the bed where a fat pig in a blanket lays. He stands over the lump with a ravenous look in his thigh. I mean eye.

He takes a knife out of his pocket. Wyomingoregon turns to me and says in a whispered hushed quiet tone "You can't tell anyone what you're about to see, or you'll be forced to work in customer service."

I nod as Wyomingoregon leans down to the sleeping king of America. Raising the knife higher he whispers haunting words into his eyes.
"I hope you had a nice sleep, my dear son."

"Was that a simile or is he your real son?!" I fearfully question.

"He's me uncle's brother's son's father." Wyomingoregon says peacefully.

"But...it couldn't have been a simile...it would have been...a metaphor!!" Wyomingoregon screeches like an eagle and suddenly his eyes go dark like my soul.

"It's my sixteenth birthday and that means I'm now a goat!" He yells.

He didn't pass the trials. If you don't pass the pop quiz in Mr. Intensename's class you turn into a furry. I didn't pass despite my apparent intelligence but I'm special so I get off the hook.

Wyomingoregon rushes at me and I punch him in the face with my female noodle hand. I'm super strong so it immediately draws blood, which drips down his face in intenseness.

What the shizzle?!?
He's special! No wonder we're both in the same place at the same time!