not eating food is harder than it looks.

as is forcing yourself to throw up the food that you just ate.

she didn't have the self control to go the entire day without eating food, she would ultimately just end up binging at night after a dreary day of eating nothing but fruits and maybe a granola bar here or there.

every time she binged, she just hated herself even more.

she would binge to the point of feeling as if she had to throw up, and then she would go and try to make herself throw up, but nobody told her how hard it was to force fingers down her throat and purposefully make herself vomit.

she managed to do it once, before she realized how much she hated the feeling of vomiting, and how disgusting the practice of purging really was.

was this truly the only way to become like her friends? if eating less was impossible, was throwing it all up the only solution?

to make matters worse, her mother was growing suspicious of her newfound eating habits.

"a growing girl like you needs to eat more, you eat so little food nowadays! eat, eat!"

she could feel tears of frustration pricking at her eyes when she heard her mother, who meant well, but all she could feel was her own self hatred pushing back against the woman.

"and which way does it look like i'm growing mom? up or out, huh? i don't wanna end up fat, like you!"

her and her mother didn't speak to each other the rest of the night,

and many nights after that.