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chapter fifty-six: just breathe
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"BREATHE. JUST BREATHE."

Indira Beren closes her eyes and exhales, fighting back a flicker of annoyance. Around her, she can hear nothing but the sounds of the forest — leaves blowing in the breeze, the river rushing past and lapping at the shores, birds singing in the trees. It's supposed to be soothing. Calm. Peaceful. Yet Indira feels anything but that as she sits cross-legged on the half-sodden ground. She wants to fidget, idle hands twitching to move with nothing to keep them occupied. Her patience is nearly at its end — no matter how hard she wants to be able to do ... this — and she knows she's only about ten seconds away from losing it.

      Restless, she cracks an eye open to look at Rey, who is sitting to her right — poised and peaceful; the perfect picture of a Jedi. Indira turns her head slightly and finds Finn sitting the same way to her left and Leia across from her. They all seem to be absent from Indira's discomfort; three tranquil figures at the heart of Yavin Four's jungle.

       Leia senses her unease and opens her eyes, shooting Indira a reproachful look. "Eyes closed, Indira."

      A huff escapes her lips. "It's not working!"

"Because you're not allowing it to work," her aunt replies, arching a brow.

Indira scowls. "This is pointless."

Rey and Finn both open their eyes, disturbed from their mediations, and Rey shoots her a pitiful look. "Don't worry, Indira," she says. "Things like this take time. You can't expect it to happen right away."

"It never took time before!" She protests. "And Finn was able to do it in a heartbeat."

      Rey smiles fondly at Finn — a special smile; one that Indira has come to recognize as reserved for him and him only. "That's because Finn is a natural," she says and he ducks his head bashfully. "The Force comes easy to him."

"Not exactly easy," he protests, always humble in the face of praise. "It just feels ... instinctual. Like breathing."

Her scowl deepens. "Apparently, it comes easy to everyone except me."

Leia rises from the root of the tree she'd been sitting on — the same tree that Indira's father had rescued from Coruscant many years ago before entrusting it to the care of a young couple by the name of Shara and Kes Dameron, who planted it at the edge of the forest just outside of their family home. "Let's take a break from meditation," Leia suggests and the group of three rise from the ground. "Finn, Rey — run the training course."

      The two of them nod respectfully towards Leia. "Yes, Master," they say in unison before turning towards each other and grinning.

     The training course was a series of obstacles that Leia had set up throughout the jungle with the help of Chewie so that Finn and Rey could improve on their physicality and fighting skills as Jedi-in-training. Rey had excelled in the course early on, besting Finn in their friendly competition nearly every time — but the more practice he gained, the more he grew closer and closer to becoming Rey's equal in terms of skill. Though she had no plans on becoming a Jedi any time soon, Indira had tried the course a few times as well and learned very quickly just how out of her league it all was. Even watching Finn and Rey throw themselves through the tasks with boundless enthusiasm was exhausting and more often than not, Indira chose to opt out of joining them. It wasn't as if she was going to be besting anyone in a lightsaber duel anytime soon.

      "You ready for this?" Finn asks, nudging Rey with an elbow.

       "Ready to win?" She shoots back. "Of course."

       "Oh, it's so on," he mutters.

       Rey smirks. "Don't get cocky."

      As Finn takes off running in the direction of the course, Rey hangs back for a few moments before turning to Indira. She reaches out and clasps the other girl's hands, squeezing gently. "It didn't come easy for me either," she confides, voice low and warm. "On Luke's island, I struggled and I failed during my training more often than I succeeded. I still struggle now — even if it doesn't always seem like it. But I got past it and I know you will, too."

      Indira does her best to force a smile onto her face. As much as she appreciates Rey's words of comfort, she can't help but feel mournful at the reminder that she'd never gotten the chance to learn any of this from her father — the one person Indira wanted to talk to more than anyone else in the world. Choosing not to go to Ahch-To when Leia had given her the chance was proving to be her biggest regret; especially since Indira had not been able to communicate with her father since his passing. The Force had seemingly vanished from her the instant that he died and no matter how hard she tried to reconnect with it, she remained cut off. Indira was as isolated from the Force as her father had been during the years he spent in exile.

        "Thank you," she tells Rey instead of voicing any of these thoughts aloud.

      Rey offers her a smile before turning to chase through the trees after Finn, leaving Indira and Leia behind. When Indira looks over at her aunt, she finds her watching Rey's retreating figure with a somber look in her eyes; seemingly lost in thought before she shakes her head to clear her mind of whatever was troubling her.

      "Come on, kiddo," she tells her. "Let's take a walk."

Indira sighs before offering her aunt an arm. As strong as Leia seemed, it was an undeniable truth that she appeared more fragile in the weeks that had passed since the explosion that had taken place onboard the Raddus. Though the veteran general had mostly recovered from the trauma she'd endured after being flung into open space, there was a weariness to her that hadn't been there before — although truthfully, Indira suspected that had more to do with losing her brother than anything else.

They come to a stop beside the riverbed, watching water trickle down the stream and lap at the pebbled shore. Indira closes her eyes and turns her face upwards to absorb some of the sunshine, not wanting to dwell on the familiar place. She'd visited this very spot nearly two years ago — though those two years seemed like an entire lifetime on their own — and the memories felt as if they might drown her if she let them.

       Poe presses his lips to the side of her palm, holding her hand to his face. "I'm glad you're here."

       She closes her eyes and rests her forehead against his. "So am I."

      "What are you thinking, kid?" Leia asks softly, pulling her from her thoughts.

       Indira shakes her head quickly, chasing away the memories. "Nothing."

        Her aunt looks skeptical. "Nothing, huh?" She repeats. "What about back there? That didn't sound like nothing."

        A heavy sigh escapes Indira's lips before she takes a seat on one of the large rocks next to the water. Her foot kicks a nearby stone and they both watch it sink to the bottom of the river. "It's been over a month," she finally says. "Why can't I reach him?"

       The him in question is Indira's father — Luke Skywalker; late Jedi Master. Before his passing, her father had promised that he would be with her even after death; that all she needed to do to reach him was just listen and breathe. Yet Indira's only link to him — the Force, which once burned warm and bright inside her — seemed void and empty; a locked door that Indira couldn't (or perhaps subconsciously wouldn't) allow herself to open again.

Leia chucks her under the chin. "I think we both know why."

Her jaw clenches and Indira shakes her head. "I don't."

"Yes, you do," her aunt says not unkindly. A hand cups Indira's face, forcing her to meet Leia's compassionate gaze. "You can't reach Luke because losing him hurt you," she tells her quietly. "Deeply. And no matter how much you tell yourself that you want to speak with him, there's still part of you that's scared to allow yourself to feel again. That's what is holding you back."

Indira grits her teeth, feeling her eyes burn with unshed tears. As much as she hates to acknowledge it, Leia is right. It was the same reason she'd broken things off with Poe; the same reason she'd withdrawn from everyone, really, save for her mother and Leia — and occasionally Finn and Rey, since they spent most of their time with Leia now that she'd taken over their training.

Isolation was safe. It didn't run the risk of breaking Indira's already fragile heart. But opening up and allowing the Force to flow through her once more? That pain seemed like more than she could bear. As hollow as Indira felt without it, things were easier when she was closed off from the Force. For so long, she had felt so much — the burden so heavy on her shoulders that she could hardly stand to hold it — and without the Force, she no longer had to feel it. She felt less grief, less anger, less pain — she just felt less — and that was so much simpler than having to feel everything from everyone all the time.

"I'm not scared," Indira protests weakly. Her voice wavers and she knows Leia won't be fooled by it. "And I'm not afraid to feel. I'm fine."

Her aunt remains unconvinced. "Fine? Is that why you ended things with Poe?"

       Indira's brow furrows. "How did you know —"

Leia ignores her. "Why you've hardly left your room in weeks?" She continues. "Why you've been isolating yourself from everyone since we left Crait?"

       Indira swallows past the lump in her throat. "I can't," she whispers, letting her face fall into her hands. "I can't go through it again, Leia. Losing anyone else ... that would break me. I just can't risk it."

        Gentle hands draw her face from her palms and Indira finds Leia looking at her with wizened brown eyes. "Believe me, sweetheart," she says solemnly. "I know the feeling well. In my life, I've loved and I've lost more people than I ever thought I could bear. But I'm still here. Do you know why?"

She shakes her head. At times, Indira had assumed that it was sheer anger and power of will that had kept her aunt going after all the tragedies she had endured. "Why?"

       "Because I was never alone. I had Han, Luke, your mother, Lando — I had my friends — and when I couldn't be strong, they were strong for me." She pauses and squeezes Indira's shoulder. "Your friends will be too, if you let them. No one person can do this alone, Indira."

Her eyes sting with unshed tears and Indira rubs at them fiercely. "But wasn't it the Jedi who preached non-attachment in order to maintain peace and balance?"

"You're no Jedi, kid," Leia tells her gently. "And I know it might be strange to consider, but did it ever occur to you that the Jedi might have been wrong about a few things?"

Indira frowns. "I never gave it much thought," she admits.

Her aunt smiles wryly. "Well, maybe try thinking about it sometime," she suggests before taking Indira's hands in her own and squeezing gently. "The ability to love does not make a person weak, Indira. It makes them strong. Don't you ever forget that."

        Indira opens her mouth to respond, but before she can say anything else, the sound of engines roaring overhead cuts her off. For a moment, panic seizes her chest and she thinks oh gods, the First Order has found us! but then she sees the telltale shape of X-wings up above alongside the familiar silhouette of the Millennium Falcon and a few other ships. Relief washes over her as Indira realizes that they're under no threat from attack ... but the feeling only lasts for a moment before another sort of dread makes her stomach twist. Because the return of the wayward ships can only mean one thing. It means that —

       Finn and Rey come tearing through the trees without warning, wearing twin expressions of glee on their faces. "He's back!" Finn shouts, filled with excitement. "Poe's back  — come on!"

       Indira swallows thickly. It means that Poe is back.

WHAT REMAINS OF the Resistance has gathered on the front lawn of Kes Dameron's home — their unofficial base HQ, for the time being — to greet the returning ships that had touched down in the grass surrounding the property. Indira lingers near the back of the group, hands tucked into her pockets and head slightly bowed to stay out of view. From her position, she catches glimpses of a few familiar faces — Rose and Stefan and Connix amongst them — but her focus remains trained on the returning pilots, heart pounding fiercely in her chest.

       Shortly after the Battle of Crait, C-3PO had received a transmission from Jessika Pava alerting the Resistance of her and the rest of Black Squadron's whereabouts. In their quest to find allies for the Resistance, the team of flyers had been met with heavy opposition — some more violent than others — and they'd been in dire straits. Naturally, their commander had been the one to answer their plea for help; flying out on his own to bring Leia's pilots — and any other allies they'd managed to scrounge up along the way — home. That'd been weeks ago, with relative radio silence since. A few transmissions had been delivered directly to the general, but otherwise it'd been quiet on that front — until today.

One by one, the pilots begin exiting their ships. Indira sees a flash of white-blonde hair and tan skin escaping from the cockpit of an X-wing as Karé Kun touches down on land. Seconds later, Snap Wexley's burly figure reveals itself as he frees himself from the confines of his ship. However, it isn't until two dark-haired females pop up from an unfamiliar Y-wing that a sharp gasp escapes Indira's lips.

Something inside of her seems to break and her feet move almost of their own accord. "Kali!" Indira shouts, barreling past everyone until she reaches them. "Jess!"

Kali drops her helmet to the ground. "Indi!" She cries and then her arms are open and Indira is rushing into them, laughing and crying and holding her best friend as tight as she can. Jess joins the hug and the three of them embrace, heads pressed together and hands clutching one another's shoulders until they finally pull away.

"You're both okay," Indira says, tears streaming down her face as she looks her friends over for any injuries. One of Jessika's legs is strapped into a brace and Kali has a few scrapes and bruises decorating her face, but otherwise the two seem to be relatively unharmed — or, at the very least, not permanently damaged. Relief washes over her like the tides of a flood and it's the first time in weeks that Indira has felt anything other than anger and sadness and grief. "I was so afraid after I —"

Her voice falls silent, cutting off any mention of the dream she'd had aboard the Raddus, where Indira had seen her friends in danger. It was no longer some great secret about who Indira's father was — everyone who'd been on Crait knew the truth and gossip had always spread fast within the ranks of the Resistance — yet she still found it difficult to speak about.

Jess and Kali exchange a meaningful look with one another before setting their hands on her shoulders. "We know," they say in unison.

Indira's brow furrows. "You do?"

Kali nods. "Threepio can be a bit of a gossip," she confesses, scratching her head sheepishly. "But honestly, I always knew there was something special about you, Indi. And after your mom was ..." her voice trails off. "Well, it wasn't hard to put the pieces together. So don't be too mad at Threepio; he just confirmed what I already suspected."

"And since we don't really do secrets with each other, Kali shared her suspicions with me," Jessika adds, sounding apologetic. "So I sort of knew, too."

Indira shakes her head in disbelief. "Since when?"

They share another glance before answering. "After Starkiller."

A sharp exhale escapes her lips. "Oh."

They'd known. They'd known! Months of keeping such a burdensome secret to herself, yet her friends had known the truth since the very beginning. In hindsight, Indira wanted to kick herself for not realizing it sooner. Kali knew her like the back of her hand and Jessika was one of the cleverest people Indira had ever met — of course they'd known!

Jess squeezes her shoulder. "We're so sorry, Indi," she says mournfully. "For not telling you and for everything else. We heard about Crait — losing your dad like that must have been —"

"Leia!"

Indira freezes. Her heartbeat seems to stutter and stall like a failing engine and the air escapes her lungs in a single whoosh. She spins on her heel to see a familiar dark-haired figure striding towards the general with purpose. His dark curls are tousled, sticking up in every which way, and his face is unshaven and scruffy, but even after spending weeks apart, Indira thinks she would know him anywhere.

      "Commander," Leia greets Poe Dameron with a nod of her head and a twinkle in her eye. "It's very good to see you."

       He grins and for some stupid reason it makes Indira's chest ache. "Good to see you, too, General."

        "You've brought friends home with you," her aunt notes.  "Walk with me. Tell me what we've got."

      He nods, obliging her. "Well, obviously you know Black Squadron," he says, pointing towards his teammates. "Karé and Snap, Jess and Kali —"

      He falters when his gaze lands on Indira and his face softens. Something hopeful and warm gleams in his eyes and for a moment — just a moment — time and distance seems to melt away. Indira wants to run to him. She wants to hold him just as tightly as she'd held Kali only seconds before; to let him lift her off the ground and spin her around; to kiss every inch of his face and apologize for telling him goodbye weeks ago ... but then she forces the thoughts away and breaks his gaze, ending the moment just as quickly as it'd started.

      Poe he clears his throat, continuing his introductions. "And there's a few others you might recognize as well —"

      "Red Two, reporting for duty," a gruff male voice says and Leia gasps.

       "Antilles, is that really you?" She demands.

        Wedge Antilles grins, eyes crinkling and gray hair glinting in the sunlight. "Yes, ma'am. I heard you were in need of pilots."

        Indira can't stop herself from smiling when she sees him. Last she'd heard, her old instructor from the Hosnian Academy had still been teaching when the planetary system went up in flames at the hands of Hux's planet-killing weapon. Yet by some miraculous stroke of luck, Antilles was here — hearty and healthy; the veteran of an old war, ready to fight the good fight again — perhaps for the very last time.

      "Desperately," Leia admits. "Retirement didn't suit you?"

Antilles looks over his shoulder, catching the eye of an older woman standing near Snap and Karé. "Well, you know Norra," he says fondly, nodding towards the woman who Indira realizes must be his wife — and Snap's mother. "When Temmin and Karé came knocking, she couldn't refuse her son."

"Naturally," Leia agrees. "I'm glad Snap was able to persuade you both."

"It took a bit of time, but he wore us down eventually," Norra Wexley chimes in. "Although, he and Karé did throw in a bargaining chip that helped sweeten the deal."

Leia's brow furrows. "Did they now?"

Snap and Karé join hands before stepping forward, looking a little sheepish as they approach the general. "We wanted to wait and ask for your blessing first, ma'am," Snap begins, rambling nervously. "But we figured you wouldn't mind —"

"— we want to get married," Karé finishes, eyes beaming. "And we'd be honored if you would officiate the ceremony."

Indira's eyes widen with surprise. She watches as her aunt blinks once, twice, three times. "Married?" Leia finally repeats, brow furrowing. She pauses to consider this for a moment before shaking her head. "Why the hell not? We could use something to celebrate around here."

      A cheer of celebration goes up from the surrounding troops as Snap and Karé triumphantly lift their joined hands in the air. Jessika wolf-whistles through her fingers while Kali cups her hands around her mouth and hoots loudly, making Indira laugh. As the crowd begins to break apart, Leia allows herself to get caught up between the soon-to-be newlyweds, letting them talk her ear off all the way up to the house.

Indira watches with a smile, though she finds herself searching the crowd for Poe. She finds him a little ways away, engrossed in enthusiastic conversation with Finn and Rey. The two Jedi-in-training link their arms through his, steering him away from the group, and Indira watches their retreating figures until they're out of sight. That familiar, frustrating ache in her chest threatens to return and she clears her throat, forcing the feeling away. She thinks that she might try and do the same — slip away to be on her own again now that the excitement is over — but her friends have other plans.

      Kali slings an arm around her shoulders and Jess does the same on the other side, keeping Indira sandwiched in the middle and leaving her with nowhere to run. "A wedding," Jessika sighs dreamily. "There's gonna be so much food — I can't wait!"

"Of course all you'd care about is the food," Kali says with a fond eye-roll as they walk towards the house. "Romance be damned, right?"

"I already have enough romance in my life," Jess disagrees. "But food ... that might be my one true love!"

Indira snorts. "So I take it there won't be a wedding for you two anytime soon?"

"Soon?" Kali repeats. "Nah. But in the future ..." her voice trails off as she shoots Jess a small smile. "Well, that's a conversation for another time."

Jessika turns pink, ducking her head slightly. "Yeah, another time," she confirms, unable to keep the grin off her face. "But who knows, Indi — maybe you and Poe will be next!"

       Indira stops dead in her tracks, forcing the others to stop. "No," she says sharply, watching their smiles fall. "I don't think so."

Kali and Jess exchange a concerned look. "Did something happen?"

       A laugh bubbles up in the back of Indira's throat even though nothing about the situation is funny. Still, part of her wants to giggle. Evidently, C-3PO wasn't quite as up to date on gossip as her friends had thought.

Swallowing thickly, Indira forces herself to straighten up. "You girls really missed a lot while you were gone," she tells them with a forced smile. "Poe and I broke up."

a/n: WELCOME TO ACT III EVERYONE!!! 🥳

i feel like i have so much to say yet i can't put it into words?? it's mostly just like ... hello!!!! how are we all doing???? how are we coping after tros???? i'm so happy to be writing this book again and to have come back to this story. to all my returning readers: i've missed all of you so much and i hope you're still here with me! to all my new readers: welcome to STARDUST and thank you for taking the time to read this book. please don't be shy — interacting with you guys is the best and it always makes me happy to hear from you. with that being said, as i mentioned in my previous author's note: this book is going to be a little au from episode ix's plot. a lot of it will be drawing from the comics/some other canon reading material/fan theories and my own personal ~agenda~ if u will, so be forewarned! as always ... if you're not okay with that, you don't have to read! we won't hit the actual timeline of the movie for at least a few more chapters, but i'll include a spoiler warning when we do in case some of you still haven't seen it yet and don't want it spoiled. i think that's all i've got to say. thank you again for reading and i'll see you all in the next chapter!!!! ✨ EXPECT TO SEE INDIPOE AS AWKWARD EXES

POSTED ON:
12.29.19