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chapter fifty-nine: head versus heart
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      THE CHAIN AROUND HIS NECK seems to weigh heavier than it usually does as Poe Dameron stands beneath the great Uneti tree at the outskirts of Yavin IV's jungle. He fights the urge to tug on the silver ring hanging from the pendant, shoving his hands into his pockets to keep himself from fidgeting. His eyes scan the gathered group of people, their faces illuminated by the soft golden glow of the lights dangling from the top branches of the tree, and their serene expressions are enough to make him forget his own unease for a moment. It's a rare occasion that the Resistance has the chance to be together like this. Most of the time, such gatherings are reserved for funerals or other equally unhappy events. Not today, though. For once, they have something to celebrate.

     "Do you, Snap Wexley, take Karé Kun to be your wife?" 

      Snap's joy is contagious and just looking at his friend's smiling face from his spot in the crowd has Poe grinning from ear to ear — though his eyes are more than a little misty as he watches Snap and Karé take each other's hands beneath the Uneti tree. Both of them are dressed in the nicest outfits they've got; Snap wearing an all-black suit (and a cape — an actual kriffing cape) and Karé decked out in white from the top of her head to the very stylish boots covering her toes.

      "I do," Snap answers the general without an ounce of hesitation.

      Leia Organa smiles before turning to Karé. "And do you, Karé Kun, take Snap Wexley to be your husband?"

      Poe has never seen Karé look so radiant before. His friend is practically glowing as she nods and says, "I do."

      The two of them exchange rings, slipping them onto one another's fingers without breaking eye contact; seeming to only have eyes for each other. "Then by the power vested in me," Leia continues. "I declare you to be man and wife. Snap, you may now kiss the —"

      She doesn't get the chance to finish speaking the words before Karé is surging up onto her toes, pressing her lips to her husband's as the crowd bursts into cheers. People hoot and holler, clapping loudly, and Poe joins them; offering a wolf-whistle of his own when Snap deepens the kiss by daringly dipping his bride backwards. Eventually, the two of them surface for air, laughing and smiling as they press their foreheads together.

      Leia watches with an expression on her face that's not quite sad, but still a little mournful; seeming lost in old memories before she offers a few closing words.  "May your marriage be blessed, always," she says once the rowdy group quiets down, "and may the Force be with you for all your days."

     The newlyweds make their way down the aisle between the groups of Resistance personnel and other guests from the Yavin colony who had come out to show their support. Poe clasps hands with both of his friends when they pass him by, pressing kisses to their cheeks and squeezing their shoulders affectionately. His face hurts from smiling by the time the rest of the crowd begins to disperse, slowly making their way towards the reception area that had been set up in the grassy clearing closer to his father's house. However, the smile on his lips dies when he locks eyes with a familiar someone standing across the aisle from him.

      Poe can't look away and he almost wonders if the universe is trying to kill him because he swears that he's never seen someone so beautiful in all his life. With her hair pulled back and a few loose strands escaping to frame her pretty face, Indira Beren looks lovelier than any angel could ever hope to be.

     Somewhat dazed, Poe realizes that it's the first time he's seen her wear a dress. It makes his head spin when he thinks about it — the fact that, for as long as he's known Indira, the two of them have been caught up in the middle of a war; almost always dressed in uniform, never allowed anything close to a normal life. He swallows thickly, knowing then that he wants nothing more than to survive all of this — to grow old, to get married, to watch sunsets and sunrises every day, to have a house, to start a family, to see the girl that he loves wear a hundred more dresses — and he knows that he wants to do it all with her.

      Once again, Poe's thoughts drift to the ring around his neck and in that moment, it feels more like a noose than a necklace. He hates the selfish flash of desire that burns through his mind, leaving him with a thought he'd done his best to deny from the very first moment that he heard the news about his two friends getting married. It's an ugly thought — one he isn't particularly proud of — but no matter how happy Poe is for his friends, he can't keep himself from wishing that it'd been him instead.

     As he holds Indira's gaze, Poe has to wonder if it's just wishful thinking and his mind playing tricks on him, showing him what he wants to see, or if she really does look as wistful as he feels. There's something that looks an awful lot like longing in her red-rimmed eyes before she breaks his gaze, turning to give the great Uneti tree one last lingering look before she's dragged away towards the reception area with her friends.

      Poe stands there by himself for a few moments longer, stuck to the spot as he watches her form grow smaller and smaller in the distance. Eventually, two people sling their arms around his shoulders and he finds himself caught in the middle of Finn and Rey as they chatter away enthusiastically. Poe throws an arm around the smalls of their backs, content for a moment to play the middleman between them.

      "I've never been to a wedding before," Rey is saying.

      "Neither have I," Finn replies and it makes Poe's heart ache; the way it does every time he is reminded of the abuse and abandonment his two friends endured during their childhoods — so different and so cruel compared to his own privileged upbringing. "It was nice."

     "Nice," Rey echoes before nodding in agreement. "Yes, I think I would want my wedding to be like that someday."

      Finn makes a choking sound before attempting to turn it into a cough. "And, uh, who exactly will you be marrying?" He asks, striving — and failing miserably, Poe might add — for something that resembles casual nonchalance.

      A wicked grin teases at the corners of Rey's lips. "Oh, I don't know," she replies, feigning innocence as they come to a stop near the edge of the reception area. She ducks out from under Poe's arm and makes a point of turning to face Finn, looking him right in the eye. "The right partner, I suppose."

      She slips away then, barely brushing against Finn and leaving him behind with a dazed expression; eyes wide and mouth agape. Poe heaves a sigh and claps his friend on the back, wishing him the best of luck before turning on his heel to seek out the company of people who don't remind him of just how terribly single he is.

     His search leads him to a table where Connix, Rose, Nakada, and a few other Resistance fighters are sat around with plates full of steaming food. Realizing that he'd forgotten to get his own plate, Poe turns on his heel and joins the end of the very long line at the table covered in chafing dishes. By the time he makes his way back to the table to eat, his friends have already finished eating and are gone; having abandoned their seats for the dance floor.

     Frowning, Poe takes a seat on a bench by himself and stabs moodily at his food. He barely notices when someone slips into the spot next to him until a large hand claps him on the back, distracting him from pummeling his grilled root vegetables into mush.

     "What are you doing all alone, son?" His father asks, nudging him gently with an elbow. "It's not like you to be such a recluse."

      Poe shrugs. "Everyone left, Papa," he replies, shoveling a forkful of rice into his mouth. "Nothing to be done about it."

      The look his father gives him almost seems disappointed. "I've never known you to give up so quickly," Kes observes. "I would have thought you would have put up more of a fight."

      Warily, Poe sets his fork down and pauses his chewing. "Are we still talking about me sitting alone at a table or are you subtly trying to lecture me about something?"

      His father raises a brow at him, seeming to ask, what do you think? before turning his head in the direction of another almost-empty table, where Poe spots Indira sitting in the company of her mother and her droid, EV-1. "You don't meet a girl like that," he says with a jab of his thumb in her direction, "every rebellion, son."

      Poe scowls. "You think I don't already know that?"

      Kes shakes his head. "Then why are you sitting here moping?"

      "Because she broke things off with me," he says, frustrated. "I would have married her today if I could have."

      "Broke things off with you for what reason?" His father challenges. "Because she doesn't love you?"

      Poe frowns. "No."

      "Because you didn't make each other happy?"

      His frown deepens. "No."

      "Then why?"

      "Because she lost her dad," Poe hisses, lowering his voice. "And now she's afraid to lose anyone else."

      His father purses his lips. "Yet you let her lose you."

      Poe bristles at the accusation, feeling defensive. "What else was I supposed to do? It was what she wanted."

      "And is it still what she wants?" Kes asks, leaning forward to look Poe in the eyes.

     "I — don't know," he finally admits.

      "Well," his father says, crossing his arms over his chest. "I guess you should work on getting the answer to that question."

      Poe runs a weary hand over his face. "But what if her mind hasn't changed?" He mutters, stomach twisting with dread. "What if I somehow make things worse?"

      "There's only one way to find out," Kes replies with a shrug.

      He shoots his father an accusatory look. "It's not fair," Poe complains. "You and Mom always made everything look so easy. I never knew how difficult this would be."

      His father laughs and shakes his head, squeezing Poe's shoulder fondly. "Son, it was never easy with me and your mother," he tells him. "In fact, the first time Shara asked me to marry her, I told her no. And when she asked me a second time, I told her no then, too. I was afraid of everything that could go wrong, but she never gave up on me — she kept on fighting — and eventually I got my head out of my ass and realized that she had been right all along." He pauses, voice lowering. "If you love this girl, if you truly love her the way you say you do, then you'll fight for her, too."

      Poe exhales deeply, squaring his shoulders. "You're right," he says. "What else have I got to lose?"

      "That's my boy," his father says approvingly. "Go and make your mother and I proud."

      Poe nods, rising from the table, but before he can leave his father stops him with a hand on his wrist. "Poe." He fiddles with the silver wedding band on his finger, tugging it free from his hand and offering it to him. "Take this."

      His eyes widen and he shakes his head quickly. "No, Papa," Poe protests. "I can't —"

      "Not yet, I know," his father interrupts. "But I want you to keep it with you, son, for when the two of you are ready. You already have your mother's and they should remain a matching set."

     Overcome with emotion, Poe takes the ring and tucks it away for safekeeping before clasping his father's hand between his and kissing it. "Thank you, Papa."

      His father cups his face affectionately. "You're welcome, my son," he says sincerely before patting him on the cheek. "Now go and perhaps the next wedding I attend will be yours."

      "I CAN HEAR THEM WHISPERING," Jana says quietly, sounding almost amused. Indira shakes herself out of her post-dinner catnap and squints, sitting up straighter in her seat at the table on the edge of the reception area. A little ways away, a gaggle of young Yavin locals are staring at the two of them; whispering behind their hands and occasionally giggling. Indira glares at them pointedly, watching their expressions transform when they realize they've been caught and slink away. "You'd think that on a day like today, people would have better things to gossip about than the fact that Luke Skywalker broke his solemn Jedi vows for yours truly nearly thirty years ago."

      Indira makes a face. "Not sure that's a mental picture I need, Mama."

      Her mother laughs and despite her sour mood, Indira finds herself smiling, too. The stares and whispers were something she was still trying to get used to. After her father's true identity had been exposed on Crait, Indira found that even amongst the small group of Resistance fighters that remained, she'd become something of a person of interest.

      People would stop and stare or grow quiet when she entered a room before whispering to one another when they thought she wasn't listening. That's Luke Skywalker's daughter, they'd say. General Organa's niece — and it often felt as if they looked upon her with great expectations, wanting something from Indira that she couldn't give them. She wasn't Leia or her father — not even close — and she never would be. The Skywalker legacy was a heavy burden to bear; one that Indira was not sure she was equipped to shoulder on her own.

      "I told you," her mother repeats with a wistful smile on her face, "we were young once, too."

      Indira rests her head on her mother's shoulder, watching as people abandon their tables to dance in the grassy area beneath the lights and sway back and forth with their partners to the music. She can just barely see Snap and Karé in each other's arms, looking absolutely over the moon to be with one another. It almost makes Indira start to cry again (she'd quietly bawled into a handkerchief throughout the entirety of the ceremony while Kali and Jess both rubbed her back) before she decides that no, she's had enough crying for one day.

     "Tell me a story from back then," she requests from her mother, hoping the distraction will be enough to keep the waterworks at bay. "A good one."

      "Hm," her mother says contemplatively. "How about the first time your father and I kissed?"

      Indira wrinkles her nose. "Gross."

      "You don't know the half of it," her mother replies, "considering that I puked on his shoes a few moments later."

      She gasps. "You didn't."

     Jana nods. "First and last time that I ever let your Uncle Han convince me to get drunk off of Corellian whiskey."

      "Which means you have good taste," a deep male voice interrupts. "And good judgement."

      Both Indira and Jana's heads turn quickly. EV-1 lets out a soft series of beeps, informing Indira's mother of the identity of the newcomer to their little group. "Thank you, Evie, but I know this one," Jana replies, lips quirking upwards. "Landonis."

      Lando Calrissian grins and the smile softens the weathered lines of his face, making him appear years younger. "You look lovely as ever, Jana."

      Her mother shakes her head stubbornly. "You always were a charmer."

      "It's not charm if it's the truth," Lando disagrees.

      Jana nudges Indira with an elbow. "See?" She says. "Charmer."

      The two of them continue to banter back and forth and Indira's eyes narrow at the coy smile on her mother's lips, observing the way she laughs and tosses her hair over her shoulder. Is my mother ... flirting? Indira gapes. Seriously?

      In the few previous interactions she'd witnessed between her mother and Lando, Indira had noted that the two of them seemed fond of one another, but she'd never thought it was indicative of anything more than platonic feelings between two old friends — not until now, that is. She turns to shoot EV an incredulous look, wanting to see if her droid is picking up on the same thing too, but finds that the little bot is gone; having flown across the room to hang with BB-8 and a few of the other droids while her services were not required.

      "You up for a dance, Jana?" Lando asks.

     "Only if you don't mind leading," her mother replies and Indira definitely does not want to even consider the possibility of any sort of innuendo hiding behind her words.

      Lando grins. "For you, it would be my genuine pleasure."

      What the hell? Indira demands silently, watching as her mother takes Lando's outstretched hand and allows him to pull her up from her seat. "You'll be alright without me for a bit?"

      "Go," Indira says, making a face. "Before I decide to drink Corellian whiskey and puke all over your shoes."

      Her mother and Lando both laugh as they slowly make their way to the dance floor, joining the array of other couples who are already there, and leaving Indira completely and utterly alone. From her seat on the perimeter, she spots Kali and Jessika drunkenly twirling around with one another — though they're positively tame in comparison to Finn and Rey, who are nearly beside themselves with laughter as they dance around each other in circles, waving their arms wildly and stomping their feet. Indira's chest feels oddly tight, watching from the outside looking in, and she scrunches her face up stubbornly when her eyes start to sting.

      No — no crying, she insists, sniffling almost angrily. No more crying, damn it!

      "This spot taken?" Someone asks and Indira groans, resting her head on the table.

      "No," she says, voice muffled. "Have a seat."

      Poe Dameron slides into the empty space next to her on the bench and Indira turns her head to look at him, thankful that his attention has been diverted to somewhere across the room, where Leia is refusing Chewbacca's attempts to get her to dance. Slowly, Indira slides back up into a proper sitting position and joins his silent observation.

      "Who wins this argument?" Poe asks. "The general or Chewie?"

      Indira considers this. "I think someone once said that you should always let the Wookiee win," she muses. "But I don't know if that person had met Leia Organa."

      Poe laughs. "Fair enough."

     The two of them sit in awkward silence as the song changes to something slow, watching people cling to their loved ones on the dance floor as they sway back and forth to the rhythm. Even Finn and Rey have slowed their wild routine to something gentle; her arms looped around his neck and his hands resting on her waist.

      Poe turns to look at her. "Dance with me?" He asks, his voice soft and hopeful.

      Once again Indira finds herself saying yes, even though her head is screaming at her to tell him no as she lets him take her hand and lead her to the dance floor. It's just a dance, she tells herself when his warm fingers curl over hers, drawing her in close so he can settle his other hand over her hip. One dance, she repeats as the two of them start to sway together. Totally harmless.

       Except it doesn't feel harmless; not with the way he's looking at her, eyes soft and warm and full of something that makes her chest ache. The way she wants to hold him tighter doesn't feel harmless, either; nor does her desire to put her arms around his neck and press her face into the spot between his shoulder. To rest her forehead against his and share the same breath with him. To — kriff, she really needs to stop thinking like that.

      Indira clears her throat, needing to say something — anything — to keep herself from giving into any one of those particular urges. "The, um," she says, "the ceremony was really nice."

      Poe nods. "It was."

       She swallows thickly, unnerved by his reticence. "Everything turned out great."

      "It did," he agrees politely.

     "Karé and Snap seem really happy," Indira continues, trying one last time to win more of a response from him.

      "I'm sure they are," Poe says, but offers nothing else to the conversation.

      Indira bites her lip and decides to keep quiet until the song is over and she can go back to her room and bury herself underneath the covers of her bed for the next three days. The silence between them is so loud that it seems to scream. Indira is hyperaware of everything — the warmth of Poe's hand on her hip, burning through the thin fabric of her dress; the equally overwhelming intensity of his gaze, locked on her face. Looking at him feels an awful lot like looking into the sun, so Indira pointedly stares over his shoulder at the other people around them.

     "Tell me you're not thinking the same thing that I've been thinking all night," Poe finally says, voice low and quiet.

     Indira blinks, startled. "What?"

      His gentle grip on her hip shifts so he can lean back and look down at her, making it impossible to avoid his gaze. "Tell me the thought hasn't crossed your mind."

      She shakes her head, refusing to answer the question even though she knows exactly what he means. "I don't know what you're talking about."

      "Come on," he murmurs. "We both know that this could have been us."

      Her eyes squeeze shut. "Poe."

      "Could still be us, someday," he continues softly. "If you want."

       Indira opens her eyes. "I told you," she says, voice wavering. "I can't lose anyone else —"

      "I know what you told me," Poe acknowledges. "And I understand why you did it. But tell me, sweetheart, how does any of that make sense when it means you losing me, regardless?"

      "It's different," she insists even as her lips tremble and her chin quivers. "It's my choice."

      "I know," he reassures her. "And I respect it wholeheartedly. But before you make your mind up forever, if you'll just let me say something to you one time — and then you'll never have to hear it again — could you do that for me?"

      Say no, her head is screaming. Tell him no — yet she finds herself nodding, choosing to listen to her heart instead. "Alright," she breathes. "One time."

      Poe lets out a soft sigh of relief, closing his eyes momentarily before he starts to speak. "I know you're not ready right now," he begins. "And I don't want to push you — you're still grieving and you deserve all the time that you need for that — but damn it, Indira, I am still in love with you and I'll wait for you as long as it takes, so long as there's still a chance that someday, we could make each other happy."

      Her eyes well up with tears and she blinks stubbornly. "Poe," she says, but he shakes his head.

      "If there's not a chance — if there's not even a possibility of you changing your mind someday — then tell me now and I swear I'll never say another word about it again," he vows. "But if there is even the slightest chance, then I promise that I will spend every day of the rest of my life — however long that may be — fighting to prove to you that it is worth it."

       A shuddering exhale escapes Indira's lips. They've stopped dancing now, stuck still in the center of a crowd full of people, yet it feels as if they're the only two beings alive in the whole entire galaxy. "So, what do you say, sweetheart?" He asks, offering her a soft smile. "Will you let me fight for you?"

      Her mother's words from earlier echo through her head. Having something good — even for a short time — is better than never having it at all, she'd said. You feel afraid, but you love the person anyway ... But could Indira be that brave? Could she willingly open herself up to the possibility of that kind of pain?

      Indira takes a step back and his face falls. "Poe, I —"

      Someone screams and the sound makes her blood run cold.

      "Leia!" Finn shouts, his voice high and panicked. "Leia, it's Rey — something's wrong."

      Their previous conversation all but forgotten, Indira shoots Poe a worried look. Before she can say another word, he's barreling through the crowd of people to where Finn is kneeling. Indira follows close behind, stopping short when she sees Rey on the ground. The younger girl is curled into a ball with her hands clutching at her head as she whimpers, eyes squeezed shut and tears streaming down her face.

       "Get out of the way," a woman's voice barks sharply, pushing people to the side. "All of you, move."

      Seconds later, Leia breaks through the crowd and kneels at Rey's side next to Finn, placing a hand on the girl's shoulder and closing her eyes while taking slow and even breaths. Eventually, Rey's seizing stops and she opens her eyes, gasping for air as she sits up.

     "We have to leave," Rey says without preamble. Her eyes are wide with fear. "Leia, we have to leave."

     "What did you see?" Leia asks calmly, not betraying any emotion. "Rey, deep breaths. Tell me what you saw."

      She shakes her head, trembling, and Finn offers her a hand that she takes readily. "I don't know," Rey says, choking on a sob. "But Kylo Ren — he's done something terrible."

      Leia's face hardens. "What did he do? Rey, tell me."

      "I don't know," she repeats. "But he got into my head — I tried to keep him out; he's done something to make himself stronger." She shudders, squeezing Finn's hand tightly. "It wasn't like before — it was like he was in control."

       "That's not your fault," Finn says quietly. "Rey, whatever he did — you're not to blame. It's okay."

      Her head whips back and forth as she shakes it again. "No, you don't understand," Rey insists. "He saw where we are. He knows we're here. We have to go, now, before it's too late."

a/n: too lazy to come up with good wedding vows so it was short i apologize 😴😴 anyways!!! WOWIE A LOT HAPPENED. jana and lando? 😳 once again: the first order is the ultimate cockblock. what WAS indira going to say? 🧐 and WHAT TF DID KYLO DO? 🤬 more to come on all of this in the next chapter. shit. is. about. to. get. real. LET'S GO!!!!! feel free to throw your tomatoes now if u must 🙄🍅

p.s. this is finn and rey's wedding dance. ur welcome.

POSTED ON:
01.22.20