Huge trigger warning for self harm use do not read if you are sensitive. Please stay alive and stay safe. Don't self harm ever. If you ever want to talk I'm here.

Requested by REBELGIRL0309 This isn't exactly what you requested by I hope it suffices.

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You're not worth it.

Give up.

I'll be so easy.

Ezra jolted out of the nightmare and buried his face in his pillow.

"Just stop..." He whispered to the voices in his head. "Please..."

His face was wet with tears causing his long hair to stick to his face as he sat up. And swung his legs over the side of his bunk.

He had mastered crying silently over the past few months from when the nightmares started, he couldn't deal with Zeb or Hera or anyone trying to help because what could they do.

It's another sleepless night.

He hopped off the bed and made his way to the door, not looking back at his roommate as he opened the door and walked out.

He made it to the kitchen to get his normal glass of water. It was routine now. Nightmare. Wake up. Poor a glass of water. Drink. Go back to bed.

Do it. His mind whispered and his gaze landed on the open door of his room. Where his lightsaber lies.

He tried to push back the thought and focus on getting the water.

Walk in. Ignite it. Die.

He leaned up against the wall for support and could make out Zeb's snoring from the open door down the hall. It's so close.

Orphan.

Street rat.

You can't do this.

You'll never be a Jedi.

He shakes his head. I don't want this.

But I'll be so easy, get the saber, click the button, die.

"No..." Ezra whispered to an unlistening audience. "Help.."

He got off from the wall and grabbed a glass. Just drink the water and get back to bed.

Worthless. It seemed to be a word written on his forehead. Worthless...

The water poured into the cup. A fresh refreshing stream. Water. Bed. Simple.

He walked back over to his room, rubbed his eyes and found himself stopped in front of his nightstand.

No more problems. Do it.

He was so tired, so tired of these thoughts. His hand as if possessed reached out for the lightsaber and grasped it.

No.
Just put it down and drink the water.
Yes.
Pick it up and end it.

He carefully set the water on the stand where his lightsaber once was because now it was in his hand. The rough metal started to create an indention on his hand, he was squeezing it tight. He quickly ran out of the room and closed the door, sweating, nervous.

Should I?
Do it.

He held the lightsaber in one hand and ran the other along the wall, steadying his walk. The soft sound of his footsteps echoed though the halls of the Ghost. No more pain. He got into the common room and sat beneath the table, hiding from the world. His breathing was rasp and uneven, the only noise in the empty room.

The blade sprang to life at his will and a soft blue light emitted from it, he could see his hand, it was shaking. Ezra pulled the lightsaber close to his left arm.

Weak come on and do it.

A small stream of blood began to crawl out from his arm, dripping down his body and onto the floor. His clothes were getting red with blood but why did it matter. I'm not going to be here to clean it.

The pain it burned against his arm leaving yet another mark on his useless body. The one that couldn't block blaster shots. The one that had failed over and over again. The one that was too late.

His hand reached up, shaking, cut him again and again until his arm was a bloody mess of cuts and marks from his own lightsaber. Ezra could see the blood piling up on the floor seeping across the floor. Tears started to stream down his face and something between a gasp, scream and sigh released itself from his mouth. Finish it off, go on do it.

Just do-

"Ezra...?" A voice asked from the unlit hallway across from him.

From the blue light of his lightsaber Ezra could see Kanan standing in the doorway.

Ezra quickly unignited the saber and hid between the legs of the table, his heart eating a mike a minute.

Kanan flicked on the lights and the floor semi covered in blood from where Ezra was currently sitting emitted an unholy glow from the bulbs above.

Ezra saw Kanan's head peek under the table and it hurt to see his face. Disappointed, concern, care and love mixed into his face.

"Ezra come out."

The boy crawled out from under the table unable to say anything or stop the tears running down his cheeks.

"Come here." Kanan said and sat beside the boy . "Why are you doing this?"

Ezra just looked up at him and cried more, it was all he could do right now. His arm was burning, bleeding, the monsters wanted him to finish the job. I can't tell Kanan, I can't tell him I was about to kill myself. What do I tell him then? They made me do it? The voices in my own mind?

"I'm worthless." Ezra finally choked out between sobs and looked at his Master ashamed. "The nightmares, the demons they told me to do it."

Kanan gently placed a hand on Ezra's shoulder and with the other he loosened his padawan's grip on the lightsaber.

"How long have they been here?" He asked taking hold of the lightsaber from Ezra's hand and clipped it to his belt.

"Since... p-p-parents." Ezra finally managed to say. Kanan put his arms around Ezra and engulfed him into a hug.

"I'm here for you." The Jedi said and for the longest time the two sat there in silence while Kanan rocked Ezra softly back and forth back and forth. Ezra listened to the soothing sounds of Kanan's heartbeat and the steadiness of his breathing, keeping him tied to the galaxy.

"I may not be your father, I may not be your favorite person but I do love you Ezra. You do know that?"

"I do, I love you too Master." He looked up from Kanan's shoulder and smiled. "I do."

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Stay alive. ❤️