really wishin i could kiss poe dameron right about now; 1.6k words

/ / / 

It was well past midnight but neither you or Poe were ready to go back to your individual quarters. The two of you were sitting at a small table, sharing a bottle of something you didn't know the name of, whispering soft stories of old times. Times before you knew Poe. Times before you knew what it was like to be torn.

"Ma always tried to raise me in the stars," he said, glancing upward, as if he were glancing at Heaven to get a glimpse of her. "She wanted me to follow in her footsteps and be the best pilot known to the galaxy. 'Course, when she passed... my dad couldn't do it. He couldn't let me... you know. It was hard."

"Yeah," you said. You traced your fingers around the rim of your glass. "I know how you feel. When my parents died, Luke didn't let me do anything, either."

"What's it like?" he asked.

"What's what like?"

"To be raised by the most powerful Jedi in the entire universe." Poe's lips twitched into a smile. He propped his head up on the knuckles of his right hand, his elbow on the wood table. "I mean, the best Jedi known to everyone raised you. That's gotta be special."

"Well, depends on who you ask, who the best Jedi really was," you said, desperately trying to avoid the questions. To avoid the memories.

"Fine. At this table, Luke Skywalker is the best Jedi. So spill it. How cool was it?"

You inhaled and exhaled deeply, pushing your glass away from you. Speaking about your adoptive father wasn't something you were comfortable with. The trauma of losing your parents, of being taken in by your Jedi Master, and of promptly losing him when he sent you away three days shy of your eighteenth birthday was real. He had sensed your closeness with his nephew. You had related to Ben on a level no one could understand. He was your friend. The week after you were sent away, he turned to Kylo Ren. You heard he slaughtered all but a small handful of Luke's students. Part of you didn't want to believe that the rumor was true, but as Kylo Ren rose to power in the First Order, you knew it to be. You hadn't heard a word from Luke since he sent you away.

The pain was real in your chest as you forced the words out. "He was a really good teacher and he was my friend. I know he cared about me and... and I wish he would reach back out to me. It would be nice to know that he's alive. That..." You shook your head. "I don't know."

"Leia believes we can find him," Poe said reassuringly.

"But sometimes," you whispered, "sometimes I am not sure I want to see him again after he left me. He made me an orphan again."

Poe's hand moved to rest over yours, over the one that was tracing the rim of the glass again and again. You let your fingers still and your palm lay flat. Looking at him, you were once again overwhelmed by your feelings for him. Overwhelmed was a word you could use to describe yourself often when you were with him. He often dazzled you with his smooth words and honey-like voice.

Miraculously, he cared for you deeply. Deeply enough to run in front of a blaster-shot for you. To sit with you in the cantina all night. To hold your hand in the dark when he walked you home. And to listen to you with an open mind when you described to him exactly how it felt to be torn between the light and the dark.

You let him hold your hand quietly before you asked to go back to your room. He walked you there, pausing by your door to cup your face in his hands. His lips brushed the top of your head before he left you for the night.

If Luke was found, what would you say to him? Half of you wanted to see him. The other half never wanted to look at him again. Did he still count you as his daughter? You wished you had answers, but you didn't. All you had was this heaviness in your heart that couldn't be shaken.

And with that heaviness came your weakness. Desperation to belong somewhere led you to the same island, where the air was wet and tasted of salt and you were blinking water out of your eyes before you even met the waves. In a dark, dark pit in the stones, you found yourself in a room of darkness, staring at a reflection of yourself.

You were dressed in a long black gown that you didn't recognize. Your hair was down, let loose wildly around your shoulders. Your eyes were darkened with purple circles and you couldn't shake the yellow in your irises.

"No," you said, shaking your head. "No, I don't want this. I---"

What did you want? The reflection in front of you dimmed as a figure stepped up on the other side of the glass. You waited patiently for them to come into the light, and when they did, you breathed out a sigh of relief.

It was Poe, standing in front of you with a dashing smile on his face. You pressed your hand to the glass and his hand mimicked yours, covering the space where you touched. You couldn't help but grin as you stared at the way your fingers met, knowing that his eyes were on your face, looking at you like you were the best part of his life.

What did you want? You wanted someone to love you.

And Poe loved you.

He loved you the way your parents didn't have time to. The way Luke wasn't brave enough to. The way Ben Solo wasn't human enough to. Looking as frightening as you did in this moment, having accepted the darkness inside of you, he loved you.

You wanted to fall apart right there, tears streaming down your face. You wanted the glass to come down and for Poe Dameron to hold you. Only he could hold you and make you believe that nothing was going to ever hurt you again.

But there you were, on the other side of the glass, dressed in dark robes, with horrifying yellow eyes and sharpened teeth. And as you cried, you felt the darkness consume you, pulling you back into the grip of Kylo Ren, who was standing behind you, his fingers digging into the dips of your shoulders. There was nothing to hold onto to keep from being taken. You pounded your fists on the glass, desperate to shatter it and grab onto Poe.

You couldn't break through it. He was good and he was everything the light was: selfless, brave, heroic. And you were destined to be on the dark side. You were afraid, angry, selfish, and cowardly. Even as Poe screamed your name and fought to get to the other side for you, he couldn't, and you were taken away, swallowed up by the darkness and taken back into the water, where you could never reach him again.

Your body jumped out of bed. You ripped your body out of the tangle of blankets, gasping for air. It was too hot in your room and it made your body sticky with sweat. You stumbled out the door and ran off, leaving your room open.

Your fist tapped hard and fast on his door. You knocked several times, glancing down on either side of you suspiciously. You felt like a pair of dark gloved hands could drag you into the darkness at any moment.

His door opened and he rubbed the sleepiness out of his eyes. He mumbled your name, confused, then looked around you. His hands moved to your shoulders and he pulled you into his room, shutting the door tightly.

Feeling him reach for you was all that you needed. Your face pressed against the softness of his shirt.

"What happened?" he asked. You shook your head. "___, what?"

You closed your eyes. "If I told you, you would hate me forever."

"That isn't true," he said. He sounded hurt.

He stepped backwards until he could sit on the edge of his bed. He pushed you back gently, his hands gripping your upper arms. You stared down at him and he looked you over, searching for physical injuries that just weren't there.

You could see his back reflected in the dusty, cracked mirror that hung over the sink in the corner of his room. Standing in front of him was you. The real you. No yellow eyes, no black dress, no sharp teeth. Your cheeks were not hollow and there weren't shadowed circles under your eyes. You were yourself.

"You've gotta tell me something, kid," he pleaded. "What's wrong with you?"

"Nothing," you whispered. You looked back down at him, at his brown eyes wide with so much love and concern. He took both of your cold hands in his and you felt warm immediately. "I-I was just scared. And I... hold me."

He did. His arms opened as if on command and he pulled you onto his lap, where he pulled you tightly against him and wrapped his arms around you. You buried your face in the side of his neck and his hand ran up and down your back, and you weren't scared anymore.

The light and the dark was tearing you in two. But you knew without a shadow of a doubt that the light would always win. The dark didn't stand a chance against someone like Poe; someone who fought for you without even realizing it. The only person capable of pulling you back from your fear and anger and hurt. The only person that loved you.

Even without saying it, you knew that he loved you. And you loved him, too.