wasn't sure if i would post this, but decided to in case anyone else needs to read something like it. yesterday would have been my papaw's 73rd birthday. he passed away eight years ago. it feels like a lifetime ago but at the same time it feels like it happened just yesterday. it broke me in ways i know i will never heal. but out of that grief came my love for writing, and somehow the super poorly written jack frost fanfiction i wrote the week after his death became this account and these stories. and so, like every year on this day, i'm writing something centered around grief, because my grief is real and my comfort characters are real and this is what i have used to cope. and it works. 

so if you're grieving, no matter how much time has passed since you lost them, just know you're justified to give yourself space and time and be patient with yourself <3

/ / /

"She's gone."

As soon as those words were spoken into the air by Commander D'Acy, your world stopped. As your breath left your lips and your body froze in its place, everything you had ever known was suddenly torn from you. Your last remaining family member. Your mother. The news was delivered to you in a second and in those two words, everything changed.

Poe turned his head to look at you. His expression was heartbroken, not only for himself as he lost his mentor, but for you. Finn started to silently cry, reaching for you and Chewie at the same time. As Chewbacca started to wail and fell to his knees, the tears overcame you.

"Gone?" you rasped. Commander D'Acy nodded, bottom lip trembling. "She's... she's just gone?"

Poe stepped forward and placed one hand on the side of your face, bringing you in close to him. "Shhh..."

But there was no quieting the storm inside of you. Your body shook violently with the sobs that you could not stop. Poe brushed his fingers through your hair slowly, pressing a kiss to your temple before turning his head away to release some tears of his own. Chewie continued to scream in pain. Poe reached for him and he shoved his hand away.

"Chewie," you pleaded. You didn't want him to push Poe away or hurt him further. Everyone was grieving. But Chewie just shook his head, and Finn and Poe knew that it was best to let him be for the moment. He was the last remaining out of Luke, Han, and your mother.

And you---

You were the last remaining of your family.

Your brother was lost. Your uncle always believed that no one was ever really gone, but you weren't a fool. He was gone. He was consumed by his selfish wants and desires and all of the blame of his shortcomings that he placed on your parents, and it killed him long ago. He told you once that he killed Ben Solo and you believed him. He murdered your father because his mentor told him to. He tried to kill Poe, Finn, and Rey all on separate occasions. He constantly tried to flip Rey over to the dark side, using her own insecurities against her. He was a monster. Your brother was gone.

Your father was gone.

And now your mother.

She was underneath the canopy of a tent. There was a stool by her bedside. As you sat down, Poe lingered by you, his hand on your shoulder. After giving a gentle squeeze, he spoke softly, "I'll give you some time."

"No." Your hand clamped down on him in a panic. Your voice was a shaky whisper. "I can't do this alone."

"Okay. Okay, I'm right here." He held your hand.

You inhaled slowly as you looked down at your mother's face. Her cheeks were pale. Her eyes closed. She looked like she was sleeping, like a princess in those fairytale stories she told you as a child. It shattered you to touch the back of her hand and only feel ice cold.

"Mom," you said, voice cracking. The tears were falling already. "I don't even know what to say. I don't understand why this is happening to me right now. You always said I was strong enough to withstand anything, but I'm not. I can't do this anymore."

Your head dropped as you sobbed. Your mother was the strongest person you knew. She lost her entire planet and both of her loving parents in a split second. She was forced to watch them die by the order of the Empire, in the custody of her biological father. She fought for your father when he was placed in carbonate and taken to Jabba the Hutt. She risked her life for him and Luke on multiple occasions, or so the stories say. She lost your brother and somehow survived knowing that her son killed her husband. Only a handful of days later, she lost Luke. Nothing that happened to her ever made her cruel or weak. She only stood taller after every tragedy.

But you? You were falling apart at the seams.

"What am I supposed to do without you? How can I live... how can I live knowing that you're gone, too?" You lifted your head and looked at her. "Mama, you always told me that everything you were, I am. I don't want to say you were wrong, but I don't feel like I am good enough to be you."

Poe knelt by your side. His hand left yours and he brushed your hair back off your shoulder. "Baby, look at me. I know it's hard to see it right now, but you are strong. When you lost your father, you were there to comfort your mother. When you lost Luke, you didn't let it stop you from fighting. When Kylo Ren tortured you for information, you didn't give it up. Physical or emotional pain, you fought through all of it for the good of the Resistance. You are one of the strongest women that I know."

You shook your head slowly. Thinking back, it shocked even you that you were able to hold your ground as Kylo Ren tortured you and Poe separately after he'd arrested both of you on Jakku. The pain of it being your brother willing to hurt his sister and the man she loved and the agony of having every memory ripped from you carelessly was immense. But you did it, clinging to Poe's cries of your name as he pleaded with you to stay strong. It ended up being him that gave Kylo access to the memory of BB-8.

"I was strong for you," you said. "Always you."

"Just like your mom. She was strong for her people, strong for the Rebels, strong for Luke, your father, Chewie, and finally, strong for you. Your pain is real just as hers was. Your grieving is real just as yours was. And I know there had to be times when she was hurting so badly that she thought she couldn't move on. What you're feeling now... she's felt this before, too. I just know it."

It was just a tiny one, but a smile appeared on your face. You looked down at Poe. He continued to brush his fingers through your hair slowly. He reached up and gave you a lingering kiss on your forehead. Your eyes closed. He sighed and pulled back, touching his forehead to yours. He swallowed hard and squeezed his eyes shut.

"I... I do have to tell you that Leia made me acting general. Rose just told me."

"Really?" Opening your eyes, you saw his worried face, lowered toward the ground. "That's... that's great. Shouldn't you be happier about this? What's wrong?"

He almost flinched when he heard your answer, as if he was expecting worse. "Given the circumstances? No."

"I mean, yeah, but she wanted this for you. She knew when she was gone that you'd be the best one for the job. I'm proud of you. You deserve to be the general, Poe." Touching his cheek, he finally breathed out in relief and smiled. His hand pressed against yours, pressing it against his face long enough for him to kiss your palm. You closed the space between the two of you, touching your forehead to his.

"I was just afraid it'd hurt you. I didn't know---"

"No. No, it couldn't hurt me."

"Just know that I'll do everything in my power to take care of you. You're not alone. Whatever you're thinking, just know that I am here for you and that I love you. We'll get through this together."

"Whatever comes next..."

His hands grabbed both of yours. "We'll get through it. You're stronger than you know."

It was only with Poe that you truly felt like maybe you were stronger than you thought. He brought out the best in you. The loyalty of Luke. The selflessness of Han Solo. The courage of your mother, Leia. Poe reminded you of who you were. A Skywalker, an Organa, and a Solo. You carried those you had lost in your heart, and you would carry them there forever. No matter what the future held, they would always be with you, and you knew that Poe would always be by your side.